Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

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I was not able to meditate properly yesterday, in the last segment, I meditated in total 7h, yet the last 4h segment of the 11 hours I meditated for maybe 1h and 30 min or so. I was so tired and I keep getting tired I don't know exactly why, if it it caused by meditation and I just notice the sleepniess that is present anyway, or if it is something else for e.g hormones.

I did take an haemogram so I know that I don't have any issues with my thyroid, yet I am iron deficient since I mainly eat plant based foods, so I take supplements. I take vitamin b12 and iron supplements + vitamin c and d. I am still very tired I mean I could sleep again, I don't know if this is just exhaustion because of meditation ? Or because of other reasons that I am not socializing enough or anything like that, but this hill is you live like a recluse. I definitely going to get my workout in and hopefully there are some people there I can't stand only hearing people through my headphone it is not as compelling as sitting together with a bunch of people and meditating. The whole energy of the room is different I also feel I can deal better afterwards with the collective unconsciouness if that makes sense. 

Now today will be another 8h session from 14:00 till 23:00 with 1h break in between so 9h. I will not meditate before like yesterday, so I have time to clean up my room which I partially did and to go to the gym, as well as washing and folding my clothes. 

Still overall I am not very happy with my meditation progress I am not sure if it is my motivation if it is the techniques or that I am doing meditation instead of yoga and all of this stuff. 

My challenges definitely did not work, I will plan my week, I hate to work, yet there is nothing really better to do, I don't like this nihlistic outlook and I don't neccesarily like the task of reverse engineering since it's way way to technical. I love humans I love theory I never liked pratice, yet this is all what they focus on. Theory can also be very pratical, yet I took pratical theory in a sense, this region does not fit me, I can't write it often enough. Conservatives scare me and induce more fear than anything else. 

On Friday I went out with the girl with who I am working with we just visited the rural area of france nearby, since it is 20 minutes or so away from here. So, that was fun, yet I miss extroverted people in college there are so many introverted fuck faces, I can't see these ugly moles with their fucking glasses every ISTJ and ESTJ. Just burn them to the ground, I love them, but there are to much of them. Anyway, we visted an art gallery as well as shortly a bunker area where the U.S fought against Nazi-Germany. As well as some old church where they stacked human bones inside of a shack which was open, there where metal bars on the side, so people could see the bones. I touched the skull of one of the dead humans in there, and in general touched every skull of the sculptures at the art gallery. There was one artist who made a calendar of 365 days with famous personalities. From Carl Jung, to Picasso, to Bach, to even Sri Aurobindo and Jiddu Krishnamurti, it was fun discovering the faces of the famous people. Yet, this is what I miss and hate about this rural area, people just study and go home and fuck their family the whole time and go out with the old buds for some booze.

No new people, no adventure, no excitment. Even as a quite heavy introverted person, I do enjoy going out a lot, I can be outside and alone too, that is not the point, the point is expoloration and adventure. Btw, the girl is from pakistan and actually has already been to Meekah and the giant stone is called Kaba IIRC and if I wrote it correctly, so this was fun to talk about. This is what I love about extroverted people openmindeness and non-judgmental. Still, she complained about the same things here as I do, the people are really just peasants, there is not better description. Corrupt neopotism, would describe them very well. There is no real authentic farmer, someone who works hard and earns his shit, as well as is knowledgeable of how the field, the plants growing on there, the cattle etc works. They are hedonistic car fanatic peasants, I don't get along with these materialist very well. 

Today as far as meditation goes it will be the pain processing algortihm as well as the feel good pratice, so training pain, compassion as well as concentration. 

Unfortunately, I missed the part of the retreat I wanted to learn the most about, I have the recordings and it was an advanced programm, so no real introduction, I've read over the script again and learned what shinzen explained. Impermanence has expansion and contraction. So, this is that. 

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The retreat is over I am lying in my bed now and I am typing with my Phone. 

Shinzen talked about kanaka samadhi which is what I trained for intuitvely, I still am quiet sensetive and unfortunately to sucessful with my progress in Meditation. 

As well as my pursuit in knowledge He gave me a couple of things to ponder about. 

I currently intuit that I am pursuing all-specic love, some form of piti or simply just kanaka samadhi. 

Also that we live in the age of Do IT yourself. Yet, people don't give as much Support. Oder people seem to have a stronger bond of communion. Yet, that is that. 

I am a bit tired of training, I feel I am still mentally to weak to handle long periods of Meditation subsequently. I did one duration sit for approx 4h with some movement. During the other Segments I moved a lot, I have a painful experience to pain, because of my scar and I recently lived with a lie up 15 years or so in my life. My mom Gold me IT so casually, Yet I already know her non-empathic side. 

Otherwise I am still as confused as before I asked a question During QA but tbh I can't go deep in this journal this is all so subtile how am I supposed to explain that? It's possible but reading books would give me Mode benefits than anything Else. 

I want to move. I want to be able to sit longer and stretch my body, I am still frustrated with my results. Overall happiness is fleeting and biologically I'd be better of meditating for 30 years and reach unconditional happiness literally. 

There is room for conditional improvement. Yet, I don't know anymore. Nothing seems to bear fruits. 

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What do I want to write about I went grocery shopping and listend to the audiobooks principles by same philanthropist, (or phil an thro pist) so........................ I wanted to reflect on the chapters I listend to to get the most out of my day. I also worked out but I wasted my morning again as well as, shortly after work. I don't make much progress currently more on that soon.

The audibook mainly talked about I started with chapter 10 I listend to it a couple of times while I felt asleep, so my subconscious processes some of this, and I naturally when journaling write about some stuff potentially. Anyway first point of this because it revolves around the subconscious is the basal ganglia is responsible for habit forming, it apparently with a quick skim over wikipedia is responsbile for affectivity, willpower, step by step planning, anticipative thinking and a bunch of other stuff. So, that is cool to know I do think my anticipative thinking especially in the verbal releam even if I can't properly show it in english, but still I do correct english speakers, I just don't write about topics that include higher vocabulary. Still, the way I speak and write english is very secular, objective and potentially even scientific, I don't get in these releams anymore of creative right brain potential, which brings me to my next point. 

The author talked about right and left brain that left brain people are called bright and right brain people are called smart, and that left brain thinkers are linear thinkers ( I know this is old, but interesting nevertheless !) and right brain thinkers are imaginative and creative and that it is important to know about, how each one thinks and learns, or interacts with the opposition. I will listend to this part again because I have loop holes in my understanding here.

The next part was about radical openmindeness, the author explained that radical openmindedness is detectable for instance by people asking open questions and staying curious without making a statement! Statements or sentences such as : " I might be wrong. but this fridge smells." or " I might be wrong, but line 37 is wrong" are apparently signs of an closedminded thinker, because it is a statement, of course tonality etc matters. But, the point is statements and denial are two parts of closedmindness, for e.g I see myself as openminded, yet I have to constantly be vigliant if I am or not. Also, using but in a sentence if you read the book "How to wind friends and influence people" is the number one denial to watch out for, when talking. For instance a friend of mine always said but or in German aber constantly, for e.g I think you are right but, this is how you could do it better, then he had a weird smile of satisfaction and I was like, yep up in your butt. Not literally, yet I felt that he was doing it self-servingly. (I invented that word for now :ph34r:)

Next is he talked about habits the classic cue, routine ,reward cycle I listend to the audibook of this famous habit book since 2016.... the point is I never took action properly in that direction. Studying was so important, etc. but for now. I now know that to form a life long habit it takes 18 months, of consistency, some scientist say 66 days or 60 some 30 or 22 whatever the exact number was. But, (notice I use this specfically to deny my own point), I don't know if it also accounts for breaking a habit, so 18 months of soldliy abstaining from a habit will end it forever. It is difficult to say, I stopped for instance drinking for 2-3 years I just said no. And I went out very often sometimes 2 times on a weekend, drinking culture is different in Germany, so young people often at least here get drunk on the weekend with 16 or even earlier, it's quiet normal. Some are different, yet these are the people who mostly lived in the upperclass. 

Next the book talked about mbti, I am not going to write about this it would take me to long and other tests. Before that he talked about how important it is to know ones weakness, so I thought yeah obviously I knew mine, yet I could not come to a conclusion as fast as I'd wanted to. Also, yes to know ones strength, well now that I think about it and I have from the LP a list of my strenghts and I took the test before the LP .... and I consitently score the same strenghts I know them, I also partially know my weaknesses. 

So, reflecting also the author mentiond using the cue of pain to reflect about something is a very good habit, which I have done since I started journaling I feel I grew a lot internally, yet (notice.. I always use yet instead of but or and instead of but to not deny, but to add and to weave in a new point). My life definitely improved and he also mentioned to reflect about what caused the progress and success, all of this is quiet intutive when one journals, but most don't so. It's reassuring that what I am doing has positive benefits. 

Weaknesses: Bravery ( I am working on that with my strength), zest, patience, naivity, overburdening myself, to critical, self-hatred, assertivness, priorities. 

The most severe of them are assertivness and priorities, since these are things I recently just discovered, I thought I had priorities but apparently I don't received two comments from people saying the exact same thing one of them was leo and another one was another member I respect, but I assume is partially misunderstood. So, yes priorities, and I don't think we mean the same member, it's been sometimes since the guys been on here. So, hm... I am unsure how to work around this, my mom is actually pretty good with prioritizing here life, but she lives in small pictures, I live in big pictures aka castle building and have unclear priorities. 

Strengths are: curiosity, fairness, love of learning, teamwork, humour and playfulness. Altough the last strength people have to be able to take it because I my humour is way to radical for most, I am also on the postive sarcastic not the Schadenfreude side, but just sarcastic truths, are funny as fuck, I am not good at serving them I am good at deflecting them, I also like to immitate other people from others countries and streotypes because I've meet to many. I basicaly grew up with Italiens, Kazakhs, Americans, Ukranies, Russians, Laos, Vietnam, Crotia, Eritrea, Germans as well, as polish people, taischikistan, portuges, turkish people, and that is about it before I'll remember more. 

Yet, mostly Italiens, Turkish , Americans, Russian/Ukrain/Kazakhs, Crotian, Vietnam and Germans, so ... I love to copy Russian and Italien mafia acents and stuff like this as well as turkish, I don't make everyone laugh anyway I can be playful, as well as my curiosity makes me openminded and bold that is what I meant with counteracting my lack of boldness because I am introverted, yet as well extroverted when curiosity or love of learning kicks in. I don't feel I nurture love of learning currently enough. 

Enough I got side tracked to much now. 

What did I want to be conscious about ? 

I noticed that in my 7 day speed reading challenge and doing the last hardcore week I don't neccesarily need it I know the principles I just need to open a book and apply it after doing it for 4 days my reading has been above the recommended mark often far beyond as well as when doing the other drill. I noticed I am way slower here, but I do make progress faster as before. It was also the second time I started this book, because it's hella tedious to get through this shit. Literally, it's an onerous dead. So, I thought rather I implement a daily reading plan for now for 20 minutes for starters, and move up. 1h did not work, so I will stop this and 20 minutes over 7 days with speed reading will show me what is possible. 

Another post will follow.

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The next thing is this is basically the perfect time in my life again to grow, I also had always had perfect times, but somehow I miss the mark, I had so much freaking time more than anyone else I believe in my life to do stuff, but I also always did something, so I had an excuss to slack off what I am mostly now or I am just better at avoiding hell no I am perfect, but when shit hits the pan ( weird idiom ) I'll work for fking days and nights. 

So, I will stop the visualization habit, it does not serve me I tried to do the challenge not habit for 90 days and I did with the lp then before I actually succeded I did it for 40,60 and then 90, or smth like that but I missed one or two attempts to hit the mark, of 90 days. Then I re-did it this year, for 50-60 days+ ?. As well as again for 30 days+ or so, yet after testing it so often and using the feel good technique from shinzen I have to say, I do not have enough concentration to visualize things perfectly, even though my imagination can go through the roof and I think in pictures a lot, it's something I have to learn, since I am used to "verbal analytics" and when meditating I am mostly malestormed into discursive though or internal talk. I untangled emotions and now feel impermanence a lot, same goes for mental talk currently I do intutit either a 3rd-eye chakra kriya or throat chakra kriya, but mamybe I am compeltely off but it's a higher chakra or just impermanence of no-self self breaking through oh yes another topic. 

Khankia samadhi 

This is how I currently praticed in shinzen youngs theme, I will continue doing it after seeing this. I am happy that he talks about it in orange terms taking the myst out of mystecism, he also makes a lot of map meathpors, but I am sort of tired of them. I could expand my knowledge of models, while praticing. I do have some yellow friends and my best friend has grown my green, I always was one step ahead of him.... mainly because he is a very open-minded traditonal guy similar to shinzen, somehow you would not notice he is openminded at first. Shinzen is clearly above yellow for me. After skimming wilber ( not completely yet) I could say okay he is at non-dual, as a structure stage not a state-stage but it is difficult I know he knows wilber and spiral dynamics. I know he most likely talked with Leo about LSD, 5-MeO, Aristoteles, science etc. I do think Leo is right on somethings, yet I also think Shinzen does not care that much about for instance Leo's opinion and is sort of like a very very good mercenary that he treats him with fairness and respect, and gives the appropraite answer. Still like 5 years of meditation of 6 , from Leo who is a industrious and ambitous while also praticing Yoga, which I also think can go deeper, + 1000 of books, is different from 50 years of experience + also 1000 of books. 

Still there are some who disagree, for instance Culadasa favours access concentration apparently, or upacara samadhi instead Shinzen leaves the room open for exploration, so you gain a lot of sensory clarity first, which I somehow intuited, but at the same time, they give very similar advice, but have a different empahsis on teaching, it's like shinzen has no empahsis, he explains his techniques, he gives very elaborated and detailed answers to questions and is encouraging and warm in his own way, as well as is very funny and his dharma talks are so interesting, I could listen for days. 

Then culadasa is also very interesting to listen to, not as funny and lively as shinzen, yet has a clear path and seems to be more effective then shinzen, I am not sure who has the upperhand for me, I am biased towards shinzen because I train with him. Culadasa seems somehow to be more effective in his teaching style, I am not sure what kind of vipassana shinzen has derived his techniques from tbh is it ubkin ? Anyway about Khankia samadhi.

The description on wikipedia says it's momentary concentration or here:

It sounds like a selective form of multi tasking and being able to optimize cognitive load or ressources, that is also what I notice especially when I talk to the greats, so I often just sit in open presence in mediation and apply the technique of do-nothing, since no technique really works better than this. Then I reflect and usually I dive deep, some are a bit uncomfortable with that attention mostly extroverts I've meet, they are confused why I look that weird, but that just shows their interpersonal level of development is crude, I've looked this up. Since, it bothered me. A socially competent extrovert does not do that. 

Now back to live:
I will stop the reading challenge and will focus on building the reading habits, first and I will call the stretching habit a challenge I don't want to work on multiple habits again this has not proven to be working well, multiple challenges are fine, yet I will not 100% succeed in all of them. So, I will do a stretching challenge, clear my whiteboard, clear my habit tracker and start with the 20 minute a day reading habit it fits perfectly in my schedule. 

So, I will renounce my stupid busy life, most importantly for now it getting back to bed on time, and waking up in the morning, my nr.1 cue of how my go to bed habit worked personally, was put my phone away so I have to stand up in the morning and put on a YouTube video that is educational for instance Paul Check or some coach, I will do that again. From tomorrow morning on I will wake up take my phone, turn of the alarm open YouTube turn on some video from Paul Check that I want to learn about and listen to it while doing my morning routine. That is that. As well as my go to bed routine, my go to bed routine was ( how two weeks fuck up your routines) turn of you comptuer, don't turn it on to low energy mode and visualize, since I am not visualizing. It will be turn of your pc and just go to bed, yes it will be that simple. 

Is this to much ? Besides the amount of time spent to write these two points no, it is simple, reduce your life to the minimum to work optimally with principles that you have learned about and take actions to apply them fail and learn. As with programming fail and learn, fail and learn, accept frustration, call it a day start a new from tomorrow and yes this is the next thing I want to tackle besides meditation, fitness and habit/routines. Is spefically researching what I want to specifcally do with the programming languages I was introduced so mainly freaking Java and Android Studio. 

Devise a plan and follow through on it. I already have another retreat scheduled, I will go out with the girl tomorrow again and visit the bunkers, she has a boyfriend, so for those actually reading and following if anyhow someone is intersted, than she is kinda sexy, but I am not crossing boundaries or planned anything, since I want to gather theory first I already gathered a bunch for dating purposes, yet my relationships points to work on are, time management, orderliness (potentially - a not extr bla bla) and assertivness. Mostly assertivness and just more exposure to women my age would do me well. So, this is perfect for me and I can pratice vulnerabillity since most women are not that threatend by feminity. So, I can joke around be flowy, and yes some girls get toxic but she mostly has fun, so all in all again ESTP's are fking cool and my polar oppposite teaches me again. A classic... as so often. 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Okay, I am actually getting back to my journal for now. 

I did think of a few things, yet what I wanted to reflect on today is the Audiobook Principles as well as write down a few nutritional things. 

Nr.1 TAKE CARE OF HOW MANY GRAMS OF FAT YOU EAT, this is insane my favorite pesto has 48 grams of fat, nuts have so much freaking fat, I am not sure what to eat now. I ordered a protein shake. 

55 - 50 Grams of fat, also research this when eating outside. 

Now principles what I can recall is that the author mentions to stick to certain principles to facilitate information processing time, as well as, when someone is being asked if something is true and he or she says it's somehow true, then it's true. People are bad nowadays at approximation, for instance checking the phone to check if the gas station is 1000 meters away and I need to take two corners left and then one right instead they just go. So, check everything and make good approximations to make sure you are on point with your decision making.

Next things are priorities, which are essential because I lack in this area, here do everything that is of importance and I conflate it auto.... with 7 habits, so do what is neccessary first and then later what is urgent or important, first do what is neccessary and important. 

I will have to restructure my approach again because of one reason... and I will see what I can do about it, I will start on Saturday, no wonder i don't have that much gains hidden fats in food, another favorite oatmeal of mine has 27grams of fat, antother one I like only 9 !! And I put peanutbutter inside !! Freaking hell. 

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Alright, I did some research about food thanks to the help of one forum member and I found as written above my number one mistake, my freaking pesto... 

Otherthings I wanted to contemplate about today are
Current situation
Failure as a learning 
Theory and praticality

Priorities: Considering my LP and the books I've read, natural inclinations etc. I would say the big picture of my priorities revolve around nutrition, exercise, studying, mastery, programming, meditation, enlightenment, university, computer programming / science. 

What is the small picture of that ? Books about nutrition, various exercise programs and goals, reading the list of books I wrote down, developing a programming habit which I tried to do, yet habits and such are meh, I currently assume it's more important to have a clean personal enviroment first, and I struggle a bit with this when things are so small..........., I have to be extra careful and considerate... which is not in my nature at least when speaking about material, not emotions, research university programms, keep up with new friends, stretching habit.

Yet, priorities the thing is when I look at my day or week that I planned or did not plan, it goes as this, I follow a good amount, I strike away a few days and get a lot done, then I dabble around a little bit, started to play some video games again after the exams, and rest on my laurels. 

Working out 4-5 times a week, changing nutrition plan gaining more knowledge around it, progress during internship is apparently very good, meditation retreats planend again for the first september week, happiness levels

Adolf Hitler gerne auch auf deutsch. 
No stretching routine
No book habit
Getting slightly back to video games after 4 months of nothing
No programming habit

Why ?
I mostly think I struggle with having to only implement one thing at a time, I often think I CAN DO MULTIPLE THINGS ARE ONCE, yet it does not really work for me maybe 2 weeks maybe 3 days maybe one month etc. Yet, one thing at a time and improving that or getting rid of that has proven to be more successfull then a bunch of challenges, also I want to make challenges in areas I already have a habit in not vice-versa a challenge to gain a habit, for instance saying I will meditate each sunday for 2h for 3 months, is a challenge, yet I will do yoga each sunday for 2 hours is a habit, because I don't have a yoga habit. SO, important distinction make challenges inside the boundary of established habits, or at least when starting a completely new habit make the challenge in the new habit and not some extra challenge in some different area like learning to meal prep and cooking sushi every second day, is not valid. One of the two things mentioned. 

Other why's? 
Priorities I schedule my day almost always around my priorities so the details are implemented, the actions are carried out, the vision is there, but what is lacking ? Is it a normal hang-up and I will get as soon as homeostatis stops, am I being ignorant ? If I would be than of what ? I am ignorant of my enviroment, especially my personal enviroment to a degree, this could be a sign, my going to bed habit works, I have to many clothes and appliances in my room which I don't really need, but no space to store it somewhere, besides under a table or in my closet ?! 

I will get rid of alot of clothes and reduce my clothing amount, I read an article bla bla which says how often do I want to wash for minimalism as an abstraction, so yes I'll do that. As soon as I washed the three pills of clothes that are flying around here I DON'T EVEN BUY CLOTHES, all of this are presents and my mom wanting to suprise me, I don't need so much stuff, today I will chill again and most importantly I will follow my sleep schedule keep track of it and be a bit more lenient one hour more is okay, but more is not going to be beneficial. 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Before I meditate I wanted to write what is currently happening in meditation as well as one important thing I wanted to contemplate.

I will meditate for 1h30 today. What currently happens is I hear my brain making clicking noises again similar to the very start of my medtiation journey, as well as the fact that this occures more rapdily and intensely now. I would like to pinpoint and say which parts of the brain are involved, yet I can only described annica or apparently the unabillity to satisfy ones needs or the inabillity to control, or impermanence at the brain stem, reptilian brain.

Now I hear a lot of clicking noises inside the left part of my skull, as well as sometimes the neocortex, as well as most likely the midbrain by looking at a diagramm of the brain. So, this is that neurological changes are a precursor to a new plateau that I can reach. I would like to record the sound just to see if people around me could hear it since it fees so loud, similar to an ankle cracking sound.

Even if this may sound crude, all of this is currently happening and I presume it is a precursor towards stage 8, still my technique is choicless awarness, leading to khanika samadhi, I want to train also accessing concentration of upacara samadhei, I don't know the literaly translation from pali or sanskrit, so I can't tell their literal definition. Khanika samadhi is moment by moment concentration which is trained espeically in zen, because people also do samu or "collective work" and are supposed to be present and pratice during that time, so each new moment that arises is infused with concentration, it feels very energizing, yet highly alert and sharp when I feel I gain more traction with this aspect.

Next would be upacara samadhi, which I could train with focusing on grey scale blank which I presume would evoke also nimmita since access concentration is what holds it from what I read in the mind illuminated, as well as I presume khankia samadhi can hold it for a while, yet it's more sporadic then.

Next thing I wanted to contemplate a bit about is time. 

How do I use my time each day?
Are my priorities that important ?
What is a legacy for me ?
Why do I waste time ?
How much time a day does my ego corrupt my decision making ?
What do I want to do with my time on planet earth ?
Why do people waste time ?
How come that time exists, when everything vanishes into space ?
Why does my body-mind perecive time ?
What is time ?


What is time ?
Why does thought take time ?
IS thought instant ?
Why does this dimension include time lol without psychdelics this question won't help. 
What is pratical about time ?
What is theoretical about time ?
How is time considerid in buddihsm ?

So, I will just write a bit for now about this. 

First of time seems to be a fundamental law of the universe, I don't even know if there is a formular to calculate time of some sort. I googled and I will stop for now, why do I waste time ? The desire to do something makes me waste, time, the desire to satisfy my needs when they are not meet, to perpetuate them when they are there, and to achieve more of them when they are established. Nothing of this is a time waste pre se, all of this is fine. Yet, why do I feel this is so important, writting down pratical steps does not help. Looking at my notion of what is time, is a more theoretical approach. So, why does thought take time is rather technical, thoughts produce peptides ? Thought is a function of my organism ? Why do I perceive time systemically and not as a holistic field yet ? Am I stuck in my understanding ? Time seems to flow by, Shinzen told my the first time I talked to him as you get older energy and time contracts, yet what is "true" paraphrasing here is what shines forth. 

So, even as a young gallant knight time will inevitably contract as well as energy, then what is worthwhile ? Media ? Old stories ? Horses ? Really ?
This cosmic field begs me to find out what there is, form will always take time, the formless is timeless ? Is it this ? Why do I waste time ? I waste time to entertain myself, to maintain myself, reducing stressful thoughts, worries etc. What do I invest my time and energy into ? A stinky journal ? Consciouness work ? My dreams ? What my parents want ? What I want ? What the universe wants ? What my future kids want ? What my wife/life partner wants ? Hobbies ? Aspirations ? Parts of it, time definitely exists in my 3d reality, undeniably, does it exist even in the sublte dream releams ? Yes, yet I can't controll it. What is timelesness ? An isness of void ? Will I become a voidteralist ? Or is all of this another classic ? And I am the devil ?
I do waste time because I like to waste time, it makes me feel good to not do what I want to do because I don't like to do what I subconsciously resist. What am I resiting, resitance itself of what I want deep down there and I would not even know it, if it is a simple NO that that carrot cake, or yes to going to karate training. Is it that universal ? What is a legacy for me ? Leaving behind a shit ton of money for my children ? Destroying hypocricy as well as dogma and ideologies through my lifes work ? Being part of a super advanced technical company and driving innovation forward, being enlightend and forcing others into awakening through sheer presence, is that possible ? Can a dharmakaya be so strong ? Is it not just shakti, qi, ki, or energy ? Living a live of a boddhisatva and helping others and being of service do I like this ? Really ? Do I like service ? Do Ilike to be a roman slave rowing around in the rowboat ? Listening to the hum and drum of my slave masters ? Literally ? U know ? 

Why do I not follow my priorities strictly and I succumb to the pressure of my desires ? Do I want it badly enough, is my time investment that much out of order ? Or is this another hyperdimensional cube game, and I literally can't take the seriousness of this at the moment. Am I that deluded ? Are others more deluded than I am, and how am I deluding myself with the time I invest let alone in this post. I am a type b person, and in generall very relaxed and not as driven, enjoying working towards my goals with lowkey effort is more fun to me than striving and being expolsive and riding on the energy of the striving. Excellence for instance is something I enjoy, yet also part of impermanence more or less. For instance working out and meditating does work, yet how do I perform in this endeavour ? What am I explaining away ? Rationality never made sense in the first place ? If chaos resides in the expression of others and myself being prone to acting out there emotions. Being dark ? What is this ? A joke ? Darkness is scary, yet being dark ? What is this ? A joke ? 

Seriously, this is not much different than asking questions under the influence of psychedelics, besides they take me deeper. Yet, what is time ? An expression of form ? Steming from the void ? Eflux ? or Reflux ? Is it both ? Is it neither ? Is it OR. 

What do I want to do with my time ? Follow my bliss, muse, joy, radiating vibrant forms of live, big cars, houses, nature, beauty, perception of form, art, thought ? What is that for me programming ? Writing ? Photography ? Language Learning ? Learning ? Knowledge ? Travel ? Work ? Excellence it self ? Working out ? Reading ? A verb or a noun ? Computer Science, Biology, Nutrition, Books, Psychology, Life, Buddhism, Cultures, Fitness, Anatomy, Business, Politics, Legacy, Life purpose, Coaching ? It's more of a noun then a verb. I like big pictures, the big picture... of time, is my life purpose spent inside the time space continuum o fmy interests. Is it that simple ? A small picture are all the verbs I wrote down already ? 

Again, why do I waste time ? I accept that I am wasting time, I enjoy that I am wasting time, I forget that time exists, I forget that I exists besides in my drama ? Drama ? Worries ? Toxic people ? Corrupt people ? Depth ? Span ? 

Why do I waste mental ressources to not fully function at tourqouise / coral, and evoke change instead of being stuck with the small picture ? Do I need a small picture ? Big picture or to strike a delicate balance. Why does balanace seem to appealing ? Is one extrem not often also a solution ? Like TMI meditation, meditation with one object ? Or am I wrong here ? What am I trying to control ? The outcome of my life fundamentally, this is what one does with time proactively, as well as riding on the wave of impermanence. Is it that ? Yes. I want to control the outcome of my life, as well as fundamentally change my conditioning, upbringing, thoughts, happiness levels, outer circumstances etc. It boils down to what can I actively control, without being neurotic with my time spent in one endeavour for instance, which supports me in achieving desired outcome of my life. Are my intetions paved in hell ? Partially ? Are they paved in limbo ? Partially. Are they paved in heavean. Partially. What matters is the quality of the intention itself, no dogma, no mental masturbation, no isms. Am I stuck in another thought loop ? 

I do feel my inner game is very good if I compare myself with myself from 4 years ago. The same as when I compare it with others, and learn from their behaviour, I am more in touch with happy people than ever before, like attracts like and since I got rid of my old friends two extroverted debbie downers, that only can appeal to hedonism instead of eudamonia, I do think this is where introverts do generally better than extroverts. Still, working on manifesting my desires and outcomes in the outer world seems to be more of importance for now, I will stay with this use my time to manifest my postive intentions as well as my vision and keep contemplating time usage. 


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I am 3/4 through Leos new video and it hitted me a clean hit that I needed, to wake up. 

I never had a desire for truth, since what seemed to iss certainly was bollux. Yet, in recent years that what actually is, seemed interesting to me. I mean my meditation works with the senses, looking at chakras models etc. This is also conflated with stage blue/red which I struggled with which I struggled with. 

Yet, knowing now that the details and the understanding of certain parts of the traditions can be conflated to a higher stillpoint and this stillpoint is the non-dual suchness of isness namely also tathata. 

I do think I know what is meant, I am on the way to realizing some parts of it. 

What I wanted to ask is what would I do if I would actually value truth ? What would I do if I would want truth ? 
Without theory, the theory is covered by so many masters already. 

Pratically what would I do ? 

I would include it in my life purpose and define it more narrowly.
I would have an authentic desire to realize, god, truth, issness, tathata, suchness, no-self (?)
I would definitely impelement the stretching habit and get used to sitting for hours on end. 

Definitely my theme for the upcoming months will be renounce your stupid busy life. Create minimal friction, and work on the core/root of a problem. 

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I've found a neat trick that helps me personally to go deep in meditation as well as sort of brings back the psychdelic intensity, because it's the same method of meditation, that allowed me to peak into the ox and touch it.
I am very sensetive to sound emotionally, not neurotically, similar to scratching over the blackboard and you get goose bumps, that is how I feel with sound, also this is a sign of pithi. 

So the neat trick is to open up the window and listen to the hum and drum of the world as well as listening to binaural beats and turning down the volume to a greater degree. 

So, that would sort of be similar to a trigger pratice option, especially bird sounds take me deep, becoming one with a sentient being is supposedly possible, yet my compassionate nature allows me to feel sort of the pain of ?? by sound of some bird chirpping. I will do this I totally forget after I forced myself to the habit with binaureal beats and I notice now, I can perceive the ... chaos within fields clearly, yet with binaural beats the same "algorithm" or sound is produce and my brain distinguishes from naturally perceived sounds and sounds perceived by a device,so what is and what isn't is being distinguished, yet this takes sometime leaving me in a place of not knowing which is good for my pratice. I saw my closet drifting IIRC the correct term. For 1-2 seconds. So, again this is a good sign. 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Alright, again I am thinking and pondering a bit to much I'll definitely change the structure of my enviroment and will throw away some stuff, some stuff I can't fix yet, I've read again the benefits of a journal as well as I was thinking a bit about relationships because of a video I watched today. 

I am having a deja-vu right now, I forgot what I wanted to write about I read a bit again yesterday, and found will read now more before I will study and go to bed early. I recall now what I wanted to write about how I want to renounce my "busy life". Two things I'll do and or want to do are buy a large pot for cooking stews and buy lentils and stuff like this, sort out old clothes and have a fixed amount of clothes that you wear. 

I hate this sometimes I have so many good topics to write about and contemplate about and then I forget, it will come back. 

Yet, I did want to write a habit down otherwise my habits are there. So, what habit did I want to implement and which strategy am I using ?

I've read this article which says in addition to also habit bundeling, cue, routine reward cycle, as well as the intention strategy, in which you write down what you do after X habit occured or X event that naturally is there as a cue. As well as writing down the specific location and time when to execute a specific habit I tired all of them. Apparently research says 50% chance to establish a habit for each attempt, yet the strategies above increase the likelihood of success.

Also once a habit is established the intention does not matter as much since it becomes an automatic behaviour which is carried out even without the incentive of feeling there needs to be a rewards, like I get up and "raise" the shutters. (??????????????)

gherlin is a hormone associated with protein.

What are actions I want to do ?! As well as habits.
Programming for now. I failed at the others and programming is one of the most important habits for me, so I want to do a daily coding, I already have ressources I bought etc. 

Here are the strategies I will use:


Figure out what you want to do.
Programming in Java for a related project and or book

Identify the situation where you want the action to occur.
In my room after I have eaten and prepared some tea.

Actually perform said action in said situation.

Repeat the [Context cue → Response] loop until habituation occurs.

Trigger Action Plans (TAP'S)

1. Identify an Action you want to do.
Programming in Java

2. Find a concrete sensory Trigger for the situation where you want the action to happen.
The feeling of having set down after preparing tea and feeling like an intellecutal lumber jack cutting down trees, excited about complexity and learning new things. 

3. Describe the Action you’d like to perform, in detail. Be specific about the action you’d like to.
To pour in a cup of tea and prepare my desktop before I put in the tea bags into the can, and search for some ideal study music, get some pen and paper and your folder, put away stuff from your desktop that are not necessary. Open the project I want to work on begin programming.

4. Put the Trigger and Action in a “When [Trigger], then [Action]” loop.
When I feel the excitement of complexity and learning new things after preparing a cup of tea and sitting down, then I'll start opening up a project and start programming for 50 minutes.

5. Write the TAP down somewhere you can find it again.

6. Mentally rehearse the TAP at least 5 times.
Re-read this each morning and make a small visualization out of it for 5 minutes, each morning, after you wrote a post here. 

Systematic Planning:

Active Monitoring, and Murphyjitsu Your TAPs.

In the studies involving active monitoring, the actual method of monitoring was less important than the actual monitoring itself.

I'll use my whiteboard then.


TAP Everything

Trigger: When I notice myself thinking I want to make progress in my life purpose as well as on my programming projects.

So, when I hear someone say project, work, code or programming as well as life purpose or development, focus on the praticallity of thought and tell yourself that next time when I am at home I will focus on executing on my life purpose and work on coding projects. 

Action: When I notice this thinking at home, immediately start to feel the desire to learn new things and dive into complexity, prepare a cup of tea or a can of tea and execute the action. 

 Murphyjitsu Your TAPs


Trigger: “When I think of both the Trigger and the Action for a TAP…”

Action: “I will imagine that it’s one week later and I haven’t done my TAP at all. What are the first two failures that come to mind? How can I patch my TAP to fix them?”

Programming Habit:

Trigger: When I think of both the Trigger and the Action for a TAP.

Action: I will imagine that it's one week later and I haven't done my TAP at all for programming, The first two failures that come to mind are I could fuck up my bachelors theisis because of this, I could end in a dead-end job instead of pursuing a life purpose. How can I patch my TAP to fix them ?

I can choose a different incentive and a different time of the day where I feel more inspired for instance 20:00 a good round of programming before I'll dig into some YouTube videos about PD. Or I'll choose a different location I'll prepare tea and search for a room to sit there and programm. 


Scaling up

Quantify the aversive Action you would like to be able to do.
Programming for 3 hours right after I come back home and ate. 

Find a smaller version of the Action you can take without much resistance.
Programm for 50 minutes each day after I come back home and ate

Scale up gradually and consistently (For a schedule, weekly is a good default, but pick what works for you.)
Every week I'll add 15 minutes of additional time spent programming. (With a 5 min break every 50 min). 

I want this to work and will review this for the next 60 days meaning till 19th of October approx. I will mark it on my calendar as well as my retreat in september. As well as create a the whiteboard habit grid. 


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I am excited about the habit and my lp again, I want this badly, I hope I'll touch some code soon in the internship also and tinker around. 

The campus cat visited me and I hope he won't make me cry again he looks a bit sick, I do hope the cat is fine I already googled, etc. He eats, a lot so but he is weird sometimes. He is not a cat but a mini-kangaroo. 

He is behind my laptop.... lol

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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I am chilling right now since I asked my prof he said I am making good progress I took my first tour around the block with my bike. He literally said that. I will go for a 60km bike ride on the weekend near the river Rhine, and enjoy some beautiful nature and meditate while riding the bike as well as I can. 

Otherwise, my co-worker left. I watched Leos video in the morning and during my break since we did not go out for food :/ which is one of the parts of the day which I enjoy, my prof just wrote me that I can starting coding potentially next week and we are going to talk about that. So, I am happy with that ! I choose him because I always felt I learned something from him even if it was nothing somehow at the end, I would receive the skills neccesary to achieve my goals, since he is a high achiver and I wanted to integrate and learn more about stage orange, performance, optimization and sucess. Instead of money, big business and w/e media portrays this time vice-versa porträtiert. 

Ich proträtiere. 


Anyway, I want to contemplate my time usage and will watch a Ralston video to understand truth more, seeing and listening is better than his audiobook format I don't quite understand why he did not speak about it, yet truth can be learned from him I still do not understand what he did to become enlightend, did he even practice meditation ????

It still feels arduous to sit down and meditate deep down when I can't sit in a half or full lotus position, burmese position is doable. Otherwise, understanding for understandings sake it's insane how many comments I read and they don't seem to understand the same goes for me, yet sometimes I am confused they have some attainments, and still somehow seem to lack depth. Some teachers just ooze out depth and I'd also assume their answers and comments, it's another travesty somehow and just shows how much religion, patriarchy and dominator hierachies etc.

Or simply power, has been abused instead of a thread which works together, there is a famous study which is well-regareded apparently by scientists, where they show how prejudice etc. could end. It's quite simple.

Work towards a common goal together a vision that forces you to bond with what seemed other. 

A fear of other somehow seems to be a new / old theme now for me, since I don't fear, yet my body reacts... even with the kriya cleanse. etc. 


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Was wondering why the server did not work or w/e happend.

I was unsure to write another post, yet I did my habit succesfully today and found some new projects and got used to the tool a bit more in 50 mins, I am not able yet to setup everything perfectly to start working since I don't know some small things. 

Otherwise I used chronometer today and I ate the fat amount that I am supposed to eat 55-50grams of fat a day, I can really see now the layer of fat and my abs beneath them, it's not much, not at all, yet still it's there and it's begging to get shredded.

I will go to bed soon and wake up very early my current time is between 5:45 and 6:45 which fits with my new idea on how to handle a schedule within an 1h variance, I will read a bit in bed. I also did a shadow work session today, let's see if anything changes with the unconscious trigger I detected. 

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I downloaded an audiobook instead of the book I wanted to read it's still not a habit to read daily or weekly it's way to sporadic and there are so many options to listen to an audiobook during the day, for instance washing the dishes, cooking, doing the laundry, grocery shopping etc. 

The audiobook has a length of 30h, this is the longest audiobook I have for now, 19-20h+ were the longest before.

I've read 130 pages so far and the Audiobook is quite good, not very different from the book. 

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I have to be quick for now the timer will block the website in two minutes. 

I was happy and quite hyped, I found out a few things about our campus and our campus is apparently illegal. It's a classic and I don't quite understand why they do it they way they do it, but I bet CDU is Adolf.

So, so much to my political position. I am hyped about my 60km bike ride and definitely about working and getting to know work, work as an ennegram 4w5 is great for growth since 4 growth through 1.

I do have to pay attention to the trap of feeling overconfident as well as to competent.

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I am making sometime right now and will start coding the archive is also out from the LPP so I will meditat today additionally 45-50 minutes before going to bed, the guest today is a software engineer who pratices the same technique as I do, so I am interested what shinzen has to say. I've read that and saw ONE diagramm which showed khanika samadhi is below upacara samadhi, also shikentaza works with the first peron. Wilber made some comparriosn as to the temple of the holy spirit, yet I did not quite understand what he meant, since I thought spirit is the casual, yet I am confused as this as so often. Yet, this technicality gives so much clearity when fully understood. 

Otherwise, I did my workout I downloaded chronometer and tracked my nutrition, it's not perfect and with the current plan I would loose 0.5 kg each week, that would be great. I will never eat the pesto again with 48grams of fat per 100g of pesto. That is way to much. You can't eat that I understand now why people complain so much about the ingredients in food, being vegan made me picky and more aware of what I eat to feel healthy, I did not do a lot of research I mainly did it out of curisoity and because a friend recommended it to me, also for moral reasons such as animals, yet I kept contemplating that and noticed how I felt for instance when others ate meat. 

Today I saw some younger students in the gym, they felt so Orange/blue it was horrible and they act Green while they are just exploring it and share their Orange/green I need to be accepted by others. I MEAN GUYS THERE ARE 4 GUYS IN THE GYM, THE GUY WITH THE MUSIC LEFT AND NOBODY TURNS ON SOME MUSIC ?? It's so simple they are just scared I was scared to before when I started going into the gym etc. I did not do it because my workout almost ended and my music keeps being interrupted by the app I am using, and the others don't act like they care and then they talk behind your back. I get very very good at weeding out useless people who are not out for your good. 

Yet, these tiny social interactions is what has driven my analysis from the start, also today I got very angry because of the manipulation and power scheming that goes on in business and corruption, I can't tell why yet I wanted to express myself at the sametime, it could easily be misunderstood, I still don't understand what drives human power motivations I can see it in someway, yet to actually hurt another and cause damage is horrible. What is more important the whole or the parts ? When a company moves it's location and workes loose their jobs, is it the whole the company or the parts the people working in it who is more important ? It's difficult it's also relative you could say it's "equal" since both have benefits, yet what I am questioning is not anymore and I've read this somewhere... it's important who has done it, since he would be the highest part in the holon which drives the decision... So, radical conservative ? A radical liberal ? (Both red/blue for e.g) or moderate (orange/blue or orange) or a centrist (green / orange or green) etc. Would a green guy choose the enviroment over the workers and employ people else where, since the company would not hurt the enviroment that bad and the company would make a significant but bearable loose ? Would a yellow person look at the overall system at place and decide based on a system analysis first not for instance out of his own moral conviction to not harm the planet. So, infrastructure, how much would I need to pay workers at X, because of living costs, how much would I revenue would I make ? Can I expand the company to include more people ? Would people loose their jobs here and not have any chance to work at X ? Would I impact the enviroment with that change ? Are there in my immediate vicinity competitiors who could harm the company ? How long would it take to let the new workes learn the a system of our company ? Would I change the working hours because the benefits of the region are socially very good, meaning more social and mental health = more productivity ? How much of my company can I transport how much do I need to rebuild ? What policies do I want to change ? What image do I want to change ? What flaws have been disturbing the system before at the old place ? The attitude of the workers ? The policies and regulations ? Infrastructure of the city, I want to train more young people for instance and pay less, yet give them a chance and the opportunity to work in a company which can leverage their success, which is good for the economy (?) as well as we have highly functional individuals potentially made in our company ? Would the office building produce a heterachy or a hierachy do I want to implement what at each sector ? Is it necessary ? What roles do I fulfill as the company owner ? Do I let people just work ? Do I read upon new innovations and keep innovating ? Do I disambiguate complexity and reduce the complexity of processors so workers, engineers, business people can facilitate their process more easily ? Can I invest in training better there ? Is the city less corrupt ? Will politicans have an interest to leverage their career ? Will a politician attack my company and create a false public opinion of the companies repute. Will I hire certain people for wellness ? Should I let the employees decide ? Should there be a votum or will I be the sole decision maker ? Can I compensate my workers before ? What am I improving the revenue of my company or the system with many aspects as to improve procedures and provide more value for customers and the society ? Is it valuable to others ? To whom is it valuable ? To who will I provide more value ? What is the political situation in the city ? 

Not sure I was curious what a company owner would think, yet if you are most likely outside of a system which has solely a hierachy based on rank and status it will be difficult to even think like this, and it will be just decided for the benefit of the company.


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So, I know now how third tier works and sees the world this will be good to observe, my meditations altough are not increasing in quality which is not good after the retreat, there is more awarness now around the kriya experiences I had and it feels like there are still samskaras or old grooves of emotional pain. 

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I wanted to write about third tier, yet I am cooking tea now and following my habit. It is quite difficult to work the whole day to go training and then to study, also to meditate in the morning for a full hour. It's not that difficult that is not what I mean I mean the little things, cooking, washing dishes, laundry, and eating take away the most time. 

I came home around 17:15 then I went to the gym was there approx 17:25 trainied till 18:32 or so and then head back, took a shower, turned on Leo's blog video started cooking noodles and now ate two plates. which now costed me two hours, for cooking and eating, and washing the dishes while cooking + getting the laundry. 1h and 30 min. If I would get technical it would only need 1h max, showering is 5min, cooking noodles pasta is 12 min, eating is 15 min, cooking the sauce because I can't find the second pot would be 4min. That would not even be one hour, yet these small things whatsapp messages, videos sent by friends, undressing cleaning up, getting the laundry, setting up the laptop, crossing off my habit. I can't believe it takes 1h and 30 min, 1h fine, but the 30mins are to much. I mean I pratically have 3h approx now for programming and ! I did not even start !!!! It takes me a good 30 min just to get started with the project depending on the subject and complexity + schedule. Then I wake up and start all of this over again, if I would go to bed a bit earlier I could save 1h for programming. Right now though I have two days of the week where I don't work out where I can study longer after the internship, which good. The point is is 2-3h enough ? I am used to study for longer, yet not as stratgically as I did this semester, I dismissed a lot of adivce, and also some advice was not mentioned in the course I took as well as the two videos from leo as well as the courses offered by my university, and they are so counter-intutive that they are so obvious that people don't mention them usually, I like these kinds of advices, since they are not really bromide. 


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I don't think I'll get very far with meditation when I do not improve my posture, my brain goes balls deep into way to many pain directions now I felt a samskara near my heart or the lower heart region or upper solar plexus, also the birds outside go crazy according to my meditation and it feels like they want me to end this, similar to psychdelics. 

I wish I could sit for longer in a seated posture, yet this is also very depressive a chair may be nice, yet seated somehow allows me to go deeper although I had more mystical experiences while I was just sitting in a chair meditating. 

It's soo fking tedious to stretch a body that is this larger and 10 - 15 minutes in not enough apparently I did it for 2-3 months only with minor improvements, not sure this becomes repetitive right now. 

I never worked so hard in my life, wake up meditate, internship, workout, study, sleep. I mean I did similar things, for instance in London etc. Yet, I was so sleep deprived 24h is nothing. Time is one of the stupidest things there is. I can't train myself yet to penetrate sleep to sleep longer, this is way to intense and I don't have a plan. In 3 weeks there will be another weekend retreat. So, I have then 8 days of retreat under my belt, a little bit more with counting in the first 2h of a retreat with shinzen as well as the reterat with the soto-zen school. Anyway that is that.

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