ValiantSalvatore

Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

232 posts in this topic

First day internship. 

I am on my phone I am quiet tired and will go to bed soon and read a bit, what I've been doing today is: "internship, meditate, wash dishes". 

The internship is and is not what I expected I am left on my own can come when I want and receive minor support. There currently is no other programmer whom I could ask things from time to time. I knoe what my task is, still the product the prof bought and I tested most time of the day is not good. 

He gave me some code to github and I will work around this, I am still clueless, the most important thing I learned is from the last project. Start and don't understand! I have a bad proclivitiy to wanting to understand stuff first to much. I want to do fail and learn, q and a. 

Otherwise the German state released my nootropics, stating I can have them. Mr Cum i thank you that was the guys shirt who worked at the "customs office". A true hero, the one and only Mr Cum. 1984 lässt grüßen. 

Things are moving in a positive direction besides the financial aspect, yet I am a student. So, no worries.

My meditation session today swung me right into jhanas or pleasure jhana of illuminous jhana or so it's called. I do assume that I am on stage 7 low to mid from Culadadas scale. This just showed me jhanas and samadhis are different I want to look that up. But first implement the structure tomorrow, I will write down the plan physical tomorrow night today I was tired and this is good for getting back to my sleeping routine. 

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Alright I am at the internship and will try to do two posts a day again since this keeps my accountable.

Today I will test the product a bit more and see if I can do anything with it for now because the app the professor recommended does not work, I can't use it fully and connect the scale their, also the scale as a rating that is not very good. I am not that interested in material but I want to learn to love material stuff, more which I notice when I work towards something and earn it I enjoy it and can easily let go, since this has not been a very active theme in my life. 

Now my meditation today was 1h I tried 1h and 15 mins but I am so tired the tiredness becomes pleasant, and I still struggle with posture because of my self-acceptance habits, I could not even sit for 2 minutes at the beginning, now I can usually sit 45min without moving but I sit an hour. I also sat longer but, I somehow struggle here, sometimes the tiredness turns into jhanas or something so deep I can't hold it I just loose consciousness and my body swings backwards like I receive a knock and fall. 

I have this often when I do the do-nothing technique but I want to do a guided meditation by shinzen for 1 week before I attend his retreat the next weekend. I don't know I currently feel that I don't enjoy live I want to move from this region it is not inspiring, it's not hectic, it's not exciting it does not feel like an adventure it's just some plain old place to get old. 

Being young this is not the place to be and experience live, you can get a decent job and get married and such. But, 99% of these people are unconscious same thing Culadasa says or some other teacher. 

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Alright tomorrow will be my first weekend back at the dorm, I went to the gym and did my workout. today was a longer workout it takes sometime to change the position of the pole, so I am not yet there with a good workout routine I am just following a guide. I am in week 7 of the coach and genereally feel very healthy afterwards and meditative even. 

Meditating after a workout actives the flavour of impermanence more intensely, yet I am not aware of expansion of contraction, if you are aware of expansion and contraction that is riding the ox backwards. Somehwhere around the casual / non-dual stage. I assume in state-stages as an vantage point. 

Now, the internship is quite cool the prof, responds quickly and I can ask him, he does not hesitate to skype and to explain details which are important as well as he is open for the internship and takes the whole project back to the university. I do hope I can also gain some contacts to Berlin since this is one place where I want to live, I love big cities and people and enjoy the heros journey when I get older I can go back, yet retirement plans etc. Are all necessary at one point, yet I will worry about stuff like this after my studies. 

Now, what else do I want to write about ?
Meditation
Books
Structure
Reflection of internal talk
Freedom
Plans
Leo's teachings
Politics
THE CAT OUTSIDE !!! ( JP even has a principle to pat a cat when you see one)

Let's take structure since this is the most important thing, I keep getting tired in the morning I tracked my sleep for a couple of months and yes I wanted to look for a ring, I'll plan the gym and workout, food research on sunday, and will start planning my week tomorrow morning, next weekend will be the retreat so, I'll schedule something cool or relaxing in between, or go for a walk and meditate I still struggle to meditate longer than 6h it's feasable actually shinzens reatreats are 8h segments 4h each on sunday and saturday and 4 on friday. But with an one hour break between each segment. 

Now, what I will do is sleep without an alarm and find my magic number of sleep, tracking my sleep was okay, but I wanted to try polyphasic sleep or biphasic sleep which did not workout, I am not trained in it or can dive into sleepiness and penetrate it with consciousness. So, I can adjust my plan a bit more I am so tired in the morning even with vitamin c, vitamin d, supplements, yet I also turned off the bluefitler on my laptop I will active it, the app bugs out sometimes, therefore it's a bit tedious to use it. I just forget that it's not on and than I complain. 

Otherwise I will implement the structure contemplate and ideally read the book about productivity I bought, I don't want to work myself to death, mastery, discipline and a very good structure that is stable is important. I do regard Leo's advice he gave to me as valid I want consciouness, peace, joy and health. Especially, health since I lived quite unhealthy and consciouness since I was not very conscious, but always somehow on a path higher than others. If you want to believe it or not. 

So, that is it. I still want to do proper hatha-yoga, but stretching feels like the devil. I like the word devil now, actually I hated it since I am from the south from both countries lol. 

 

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Meditation:

Today my meditation was very bad, it was quite odd again I am using a guided meditation for now to see if I can push 1h and 15 minutes, but I feel like I am loosing my mind, I cried two or three times and lied down on my bed to continue to meditate. Thoughts of self-pity which I feel has been bestowed upon myself from others, because of their false perception of me, because I am an intuitive introvert, and all they see is the outside of things and the emotional sides, what is being invented or constructed in my mind or others is completely forgotten, they don't see their own dogma or ideaology or make up in order and overlook the obvious, not everything is as real as it seems, as well as not everything is at it is. 

I had weird thoughs about my father which I normally don't have and felt extremely vulnerable, I want to regard this as good and not to demonize and hide it like other men, to seem though or manliy, at the same time vulnerability costs me sanity, it sometimes hurts so much I don't know how to take it besides crying or screaming, I know  now this can be part of kriyas if it were only emotionally it would be fine, but my cerbellum runs rampant or another part of my brain, there is so much stirring and movement of "impermanence" I do enjoy it, but sometimes it is just to much. 

Today I really felt like a looser a good for nothing, without any external achievements, extremely feminim, and depressive this flavour in my solar plexus again, even if I had the kriya experience there, made me feel depressive which I had a couple of years and months ago, so I was never sure this was the cause, I do prevent depressive symptons through sports, vitamin d, c, and meditation. I lack social interactions, especially as a programmer when I sit in front of the computer for hours and talking to others is a distraction, I feel the value of a family comes back, since there is no transaction involved in needing or having to give something in order to maintain a friendship. Of course not everything needs to be taken for granted, effort is important. 

Yet, sometimes I question all of my meditation progress my approach, my motivation, etc and old thoughts and doubts come back and hit me very hard, where I think I want to die, I just want to feel happy and good, I know this is not possible for ever, yet I barely have positive memories of things. I was also not a gloomy child or anything like that, tbh I was the complete opposite, denying that enviroment has no influence is complete bollox, this is how hitler won the elections in the first place. 

I am quite sensitive to my enviroment espeically when I feel vulnerable, I somehow transmuted this in the past to me openness and pain tolerance, but now I feel again very sensitive, the guided meditation is about metta, I never felt any loving feelings towards my mother or my family, I do to my father but I did not see him in over 10+ years, which makes me feel like I could cry again. I don't like modernism, all of this trash caused the disruption of families, but actually not it was post-modern freedom. Anyway, there is much hatred and resentment inside of me, I did not even know that there seems to be so much more. All of this stemming from my life style choices, choices in the past and potentially chemicals and what ever. 

Now, that things are working out well again, I feel depressive I don't know why, this happens so often. I can't seem to find a pattern besides that old wounds keep combing back in periods of silence and where things are going well. 

I slept today for 10h for no particular reason, I don't know if this is because I barely have social contacts, I don't know what to do about this anymore and it makes me feel very vulnerable, from time to time. Same thing is when I hang out with people to much I become depressive, I feel I am really built to have an introverted partner, so we can leave each other alone enough and have hobbies and such. I like to socialize even more than most introverts, but I like it in small segments socializing to long and to often, is taxing. But also sometimes good because I can retreat for weeks than without having social interactions. But tbh I wrote 8 volumes of journals about all kinds of shit, not including this one as well as my digital journal. 

I am a bit tired of self-knowledge and I don't know very well how to deal with pain, or what exercise could improve my life. I can't stand living a life where not every stage of maslows is fullfilled  I can't stand this region, I don't particularly like humans in general. Even though I also love them, but all of this is dualistic, I really can't tell I've meet one person so far that understood me, or where I felt understood and as soon as we things where getting complicated, she stopped doing it in an heart felt way, I don't like to be stuck to one place, I want to cry and move on and see different places and such. I don't like conservative people even if I don't have anything against them, heck I even meet a nazi and "befriended" him with him calling me the n-word because I knew that he was less racist than the average white guy, partially, of course he was extrem, but it was all conditioning nothing really stemmed from real hatred, anger, or racial ideas, It was just conditioning because of his parents, they were racist he was just a normal guy. 

Anyway, I will write down my structure now and follow it for the week to come. 

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Okay, second post of the day, I'll just finished my workout and read a bit I still felt very tired today and I had to do something for the internship as well as other stuff, so that took away sometime. I could not finish rooting my phone since it did not have over 50% of it's battery. So, I will do this tomorrow to gain access to these hci.logs where I get the serial number and stuff like this ? From the manufacturer, I actually like this I wanted to get a bit closer to hard ware, I am still in love with travelling and seeing parts of the world. Also, there seems to be a discussion about marriage I am quite unsure how this will go out for me I checked what I could get my hands on since my parents are divorced, I am also a single child , IIRC these are all not very good signs, also the financial aspects are a bit worrying, a YouTuber I like a lot TechLead his wife just left him, he said cultural reasons, family stuff like this so I was a bit suprised to see and hear that happening, I bought his YouTube series where he shows the life at google etc. It seemed like a happy family, but apparently stuff was going on beneath I don't like this, this is why I want to develop my self also, I know that conscientiousness and orderliness are two parts which are "statistically" proven to benefit in a relationship as well as compassion I score quite high in compassion in the trait alone in the 77 percentile. I attribute this to tong-leng pratice and travelling when I was younger, still is this what I wanted to write about ?

I checked when I charged my phone randomly about vitamin d levels and watched Leo's old nootropics video or supplements, he took very high doses of vitamin d and apparently since I have darker skin I just skimmed the article I have to take more since the pigments ? stop the sun absorption. 

Well, tomorrow will be the day and yes I scheduled my entire week till friday because of the retreat and I don't have the times of the retreat yet, they have to send me that first. So, I'll wait and I also scheduled two challenges on my whiteboard visualization, the meta level track your habit habit tracker, aka use the habit tracker challenge on my phone, since I am a bit phone avoidant, I stopped using my phone a lot because of Eckhart Tolle and meditation. Now, reason is to become adjusted to using my phone not my whiteboard as a habit tracker, I tried various online habit trackers like habitka and such and it did not work, I like things simple and it shows my also some stats, which is good. I also want to make data-driven decisions not purely, but also do that. 

Note: I still have no idea if journaling and such is very good it helps me and in general writing about a process helps to maintain it and keep track of it, as well as the results. That is why I am also currently now journaling. Also, keeping things to myself as I did with my phyiscal journals is a bit to much, it becomes very gloomy at one point when I write two hours of some crap inside these journals, they are good for exercises though, so I keep them around. 

Also apparently there is a dark knight of the soul at every stage, a subtle, casual and non-dual. They have specific names, but that is what I recall from the book, besides transcend and include and the difference of not transcending and including, which can be dissocation or very strong identification of a view at a structure-stage, there are also energy bodies, I wonder if they are fusionable with the notion of impermanece since they undulation, vibration etc. Are all part of the movement of impermanece, so ther would be a energy body in gross, subtle ,casual and non-dual. 

I did have access to the subtle stages I am accessing these more through jhanas, illumination, wilber describes them literally also as white light and at the end red light ? To enter the casual stage where the dark knight of the soul resides. IIRC.

That is about it re-reading will be of importance I do have a one week speed reading challenge going and will do some exercises from the book. My workout was good, I hope I can get acquianted with some people in the gym. I do like small talk, depth can be troublesome. 

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I want to write about meditation again.

Just that I did the 1h and 15 minutes today and but this time on a chair, focusing on impermanence is a bit diffiult when I have to include more than two spaces, I can deal with body flow, hear flow. Yet I struggle with seeing flow in internal space, it is difficult to keep track of changing scenes or what even to categorize as flow with internal image space. So, I did get a slight hint of dropping deep again, a small peak into illumination jhana in the right corner of my closed eye lids. So, that was cool. Also my shutters in the morning had rainbow colors, I've never seen anything like that, but somehow I am not as amazed anymore, after meditation I feel more consciouces to enjoy the magic of life.

Otherwise concentration power is important I don't know neccesarily how to train it, I am also not sure if it is just a time aspect with the technique I am using since I can bounce back and forth between distractions and focus on an object quickly, but focusing on one single object for a time, I never trained that, besides for 3 months or so, but also with a whole space again of things. So, image space inside and outside, same of hear same for feel. 

Same for flow and rest. Otherwise Shinzen brought out a new video talking also about the dark knight of the soul as well as the primordial black hole, how he calls it where I had the kriya experience I just think he will not mention chakras for whatever reason, maybe he just forgets and just teaches what he wants to teach. Or he thinks it's funny that other people have to find that out after reading 20000000000 books, most likely. Yet, he said it is not uncommon that people have this, I do think he gives solid advice when asked, but most at the retreat where most likely serious praticinors. All of this talk is not of help. 

What I took with me is that this feeling could be the dark knight of the soul meaning I would jump from the sublte to the casual stage and it is important to keep meditating while experiencing the dark knight of the soul, since it is the loss of god which causes the pain IIRC.

So, that is that.

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Okay, so second entry for today. I will root my phone now I went to the gym I worked out for 85 minutes it takes sometime to prepare the pole because there is not much space as well as the breaks are two minutes long between the sets, but that is apparently good for muscle recovery. 

So, I did my speed reading exercise I noticed now that a lot what is written in standard books is bullshit some stuff is more real and closer to principles some are just stories, I've used an older book by the dalai laima the art of happiness and the author tells stories that are quiet beautiful, and authentic, but it's not very good for speed reading I also did not do the exercise which focuses on novels. 

What else my sleep. I do want to go to bed early to start my 30 day stretching challenge as well as my meta habit challenge and of tracking my habits with a white board in order to use my phone, this habit "bundle" strategie was explained in the audiobook atomic habits to build habits upon habits it very intuitive, but now I actually have someone talking about the same stuff. 

Now, what else I normally wanted to do some research I stood up late I am still actually in my schedule LOL! In 30 minutes I scheduled a 2h break but I will root my phone shortly after I have finished eating. I still want to read about productivity I thought about the makro level again, the gym is quite good to contemplate, yet I'd also would like to go swimming or biking. Also ... mastrubation is kept at bay here, I don't have the inclination to do it for some reason, the enviroment does not prompt me. Also, people truly function in cycles, let's see how deep this goes. Reading Wilber again slapping me with words such as Dharmakaya and 1000k bodies, hm... my mood is good for now, I took care of the most stressful things and hopefully, everything works out. I will root my phone now and research for 1h about my workout and chill then. After the speed reading week I will go with a reading plan according to the book I should devise a plan for 6 months for e.g 20 minutes 3 times a week, I want to schedule since the books I am currently reading are quite technical and it takes some time to understand on the weekend again, as a habit !! For 2-3h on Saturday.

I will review my structure, to not do to much. One change at a time I've worked at to many things at one time, so I am a bit used to it, as well as a difference between a challenge and a habit is a habit does not require willpower, so I can achieve more by distingushing these. So, I am doing that currently. I never tried challenges, I've set goals, but never challenges. 

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Posted (edited)

I will have to be quick to not to not to be late. I will do the stretching in the afternoon or before going to bed it does not work that way, the evil fly is sitting on my laptop starring at me as I write this, annoying me while meditating suddenly becoming feisty companion, loving my arm to death. 

Meditation:
Again slight 1 second drops into illumination jhanas, a lot of complaining internally at the end, with focus on the impermanence of that. Trying the guided meditation, is different. As I said I have to be fast, now my brain made weirded noises again, almost throwing me into some place ?! And these noises are so loud, I should record them, holy brain clicker. This is way to loud.

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Posted (edited)

I received my nootropics finally today, and I downloaded a bunch of tools to deal with programming I have the log now of the manufacturer, it's quite funny how everything connects back and small synchronicities occure, I've got triggered today by an extroverted person, I liked her but I knew I don't like her. She gave me some sort of lecture on how to use the nootropics, the point most likely is dominance and assertivness and embaresment I assume, I will save that for a shadow work session.

Also, the girl who is working with me is from pakistan she explained me some things of how people from pakistan think and are like, they just want to move to a modern country and stay there, studying is not even of importance and most of them have a wealthy family, that most likely speaks again for the state of the world as well as England seperating the country and not fully supporting it. I am not sure how wealth could be generated for the entire globe in order to work up and down a hierachy based on competence, fairness, opprtunities, skill, interests, creatvity etc. It is important, especially when I take the biological perspective also of how rank affects the serotonin IIRC. I will watch the new video from Leo partially. 

She told me they found one of the oldest cities in Pakistan that was established in the east. She was very kind and I noticed her from the beginning, she is also extroverted but rather quiet. So, extroverts still trigger me, they show me some hidden potential about assertivness and leadership, because I mostly equate it with knowledge actually in that sense being superior, but it somehow is not asserting yourself on equal terms constantly, still her lecturing was a bit perky. 

I am a bit unsure still if and of course I have to be accepted first, if I should go the university in Berlin, the other university I had in mind apparently there was a nazi demonstration for simplicities sake in Kassel. So, I am not sure if I want to go there. I saw one again today. Fking scary. Sometimes but fine. 
 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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I am making a third post now my stretching challenge will be post-poned tomorrow I know I am not obliged to stick to my schedule, yet I can act it out as well as posbbile. I am still a bit perplexed by the amount of work people are capeable of putting out. I don't know how good my time managment is, I wasted today 2h with being tired, cleaning a bit and cooking watching leos video or even 4h. It was 4h. From 17:00 to 21:00 to not bullshit myself.

I did the reading challenge altough I am so tired, I ordered a scale for the nootropics since the scoop is to small, so I will get used to guessing the amounts of milligrams, the whole procedure bli bla blu took so long that, it derailed me completely from what I read, and I did not write anything down besides some weird post here. 

I want to do the stretching this is as important if not even more important than the reading challenge. Is the stretching habit. I want to do it tomorrow night, ideally I do it after working out, the workout tomorrow should be shorter than the weigh lifting segments, my body fat percentage is at 13,6% and according to the scale WHICH WEIGHT ME THE FIRST TIME SOMEHOW CORRECTLY at 14,6% all of this makes more sense, but I want to trip. The insights from the trip lead to much insights of what I want to do with my life, since it connects me back to my disconnected childhood interest. I know them, but they go deeper, for instance I never knew I liked science and mathematics and that this stuff is even applicable. I also forgot that I actually had an "elite" education even if that is a joke a pure joke. But based on how the German system of schools was established and the social roles that I saw, tbh I would write for a freaking hour now. 

Is the partitioned.. people into classes I did not know that, some random young youtuber made a video .. about this stuff, I went to a different system and changed to an "elite" school than. It's partially a joke but the attitude of the people display this and I see this in myself, especially when going to university this shines, but it is also part of self-exploration, but it does not need to be defined to class thinking. I do think american and materalism in general breaks these partially, sure money is most likely all talk, but the level of thinking is different when I meet americans. People love to party here with americans americans can be loud, and you can actually shit talk. I love this partially, than you can just blabber but sometimes it's to much. I still remember one incident where I was at a friends house and the neighbours (americans) had a bonfire in the garden. They were so amazed by the quientess they became loud, they saw the "systemic" if you sit for like fking 8 hours and longer. Or "neurotic" shutters going down and laughed and stuff like this. I don't know they were just amazed by the silence of a city, no screaming even if my city is like ...quiet loud and asocial sometimes. 

I don't know checking instagram, travelling by train makes me want to reflect and think about life, I know this is mostly Green, I've read the note of the susan cook greuter paper one guy posted here, to see if there are any loopholes from what I can recall.

I copied behaviour of someone I liked because I was inspired by symbol and language reading, and checked small stickers and poltical notes and grafiti, but mostly ! small stickers on streetlights, stop signs and signs in general to get an overview of the vibe of the city, especially the underground and poltical vibe and the mentality of the city is displayed, also the spirit of "youth", if they are progressive, rebelious partisans of any sorts holigans, nazis, anti-faschists or w/e. I don't know peoples movement and this stuff is very moving for me emotionally a tiny bit more so than others. Tbh I even get inspired by Hitler speaches in German, this guy is nuts, selling people dreams, speaking about unity and such. Holy Hitler.

It's quite moving or reverent, of course it's not good, but the spirit is quite insane. If anyone watched the series on amazon prime the man in the high castle, he or she should know what I mean. That series was great. I love vikings too. Somehow I did not watch west world. Okay by far enough. 

Reminder do shadow work on session with the women who triggered me. 

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I am waiting for the Professor to give me an answer, otherwise after the break I will start trying to understand the reverse engineering of the scale. 

Now, tbh I would love a bit more complexity though it's a bit to much oriented towards data. Still, not sure what to write about, there are a lot of topics but I am so hungry at the moment and cooking here is difficult.

I am a bit frustrated with my friendships since I ended them I've found new friends who I feel are more solidly yellow and green. So, I can integrate both. Yet, a lot of projection from people again. Ken Wilber is not joking when he says you will be alone and misunderstood, especially when you are a minority. I've felt this for a long time as I said I've found two people who are very close to that, but they live their own lives and dreams.

 I want to stop crying after my friends, my dreams where getting weird for instance sleeping at my best friends house in his bed while some holigans (which happens at his house sometimes) were acting rampant outside. So, this was odd. He is the only one I have contact to in the old friend group, but somehow I am done they are so Orange/green it's insane meme fun, video game type bullshit. Sure it's fun I miss the fun the most, but you are so dependent on dopamin and recognition of others. Which I never really understood, still it feels good I won't deny that. But I never or rarely if yearn for recognition. As well as I am worried that the friendship will just become derailed, since everyone is getting married now. My mom received me quite late, so there is not much pressure, I also found that people who are similar to me tend to be way wiser than the average joe. 

But that was one fking person, single child, misfit, loves travelling, progressive, hides structure because it makes no sense to discuss it, independent, likes autonomy. Sure this is a quick soundbite, but I am not for instance going to a private university, or other similarities both went to a music school, and did some kind of sports. For her I will count dancing as "sport" it was ballet for me it was swimming, basketball and soccer. We laughed so hard about childhood similarities same with my new very good friend who I helped with the company of his father. He is the owner now of one large hotel in our home town, I don't care at all he knows that I don't treat him different because he owns a couple of hundred of thousands of euros and the hotel is worth millions etc. 

Still, when I gave them the test they both ranked themselves as yellow/tourquise I mean he explains me how the fking hydron colidor works, she explains me how money was invented, they are both higher in IQ I know that, but it's not like I can't do what they can sure they will have the advantage but college taught me there is a lot more, to achieve and I barely hit my pensum, I slacked off a lot still. Like I said I was in the 7 percentile of industriouness. I do think I've increased it. Still keeping discipline over months is not as easy. 

Okay again enough for now. 

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Posted (edited)

Okay, I will do a short entry. 

I was not able to to the reading yesterday since I priorized sleep and want to meditate in the morning not the evening, because I am currently cheating on my sleep. 

I checked how much the sleep tracking ring costs and it's way out of my potential budget. I can't pay 300 dollars for a ring going up to 1000. They even did a study with the ring https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28323455.

I shortly checked again what some symbols mean I totally forgot ? Anyway. 

I am unsure if my workout is effective it's so long and I keep relying on the app which costs time again, still the time killer NR.1 again is not waking up on time, I love to sleep and finally to shut off and not to complain or other stuff. 

That is it I will do the speed reading exercise and stretch and go to bed. 

I blocked this website again since I am visting it to often during the internship, I could focus more on the work present I still use the 50 min, 10 min break technique but I get interrupted a lot. Helping here and there, or holding a quick small talk. I do think working with engineers it different. But the engineers, programmers w/e plumbers are not talking that much in the morning not at all around 13:00 they start when I take my break and they won't stop till 16:00 apparently. Anyway. 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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A new day.

It's quite cold outside even though it's summer the weather has been this bad for the lost couple of days, but tbh I enjoy it more than the eat. I like late summer the most also fall, I don't I always liked the concet of vantias. It is similar to impermanence the only constant is change. 

So, I am moving forward as usual, as I have been doing as well as I could according to my state of conscieousness and circumstances. I will receive mail tomorrow (e-mail) about the details of the retreat I bought. I looked up when I started taking retreats I started almost two years ago (?) in 2017 and did two weekend retreats there I recall this was the time where I experimented with LSD, so I actually.. even if this is like absolut haram. At the end of the retreat (it was online) with a tab of LSD in my mouth and meditated, I do remember that I had a lof of impermanence going on, but nothing specifically happend my state of consciouness was altered and I dove deep, at the sametime I was still inexperienced with LSD and I was prone to give into the lysergamid feels. Instead of going deep with the substance. 

I've got another thing to start rolling for me, but I don't want to abuse it. I want to use it consciously and fair. I am not allowed to share it by, I'll most likely do it anyway at one point, it's very unlikely that someone will abuse it here or will actually use it out of this random journal so, that is that.

Otherwise, my stretching which I already did in march or so, for a couple of months (?) I've gained some progress but I dislike pain a lot, I am so adjusted to comfort, even when I took cold showers, and exercise I am still quite adjusted to comfort. It's quite a journey for me personally to breakthrough of that, as well as, my threshold for enduring pain is quite low. It could be my brain and how it changes from what i read the enviroment basically did for me, this is undeniable to a degree in my subjective experience, research is catching up with this stuff, since it was only tested with mamals. Anyway, enough of that understanding the genetic level is a difference from a "historical one", I've seen "educated" nazi's talk similar shit. 

So... experts do matter. I can't make myself tea properly. I'll actually test it now, it's so cold. 

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From reading one post here. 

Please don't make health a status symbol. Health is a natural part of life. This is my philosophy I dislike status signaling, as well as virtue signaling it feels like puke. 

It occures naturally. 

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Posted (edited)

Okay, so again I am here. I wasted today again two hours, my gym time is way way to long I've spend 1h30 just messing around with the pole since the gym is so small. I don't neccesarily think the equipment is the problem but it definitely makes it more difficult I watched the first video a user recommended here for me.. and I will watch the whole series over time.

What I want to write about:
internship
professor
future
meditation
retreat

Retreat over the weekend I will do a home retreat this time with shinzen youngs programm I still am bound to accountability this makes things easier for me since I am not very industrious this is also a reason why I want to do my masters, since self-drivness is something I learn through the accountability itself. For e.g using habit tracker and an app for the gym. 

Main themes in the retreat will be rest and expansion and contraction, there is one accelerator session, so I am looking forward to what that will entail.

Hm... 

I will do my speed reading challenge I wasted 30 mins talking to my prof after work, as well as 1h30 in the gym, I also need to go grocery shooping since I can't wash my clothes, I really want to get rid of my clothes and buy some new ones, it's annoying to have so many clothes. Stop now before I write to much. Speed reading, stretching and food. 

Oh yes and after work I spent 30 mins browsing, this was not good. 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Posted (edited)

I will write a short post I am at the internship. Things are going well, so far I don't know exactly why people share so much with me. Anyway I am at the internship, and I do have to strategize the stretching habit a bit more, speed reading works okay for now. 

I don't know why exactly yet, I struggle there are some other minor things that have a huge impact like the f.lux app. I slept today for 5h30 and felt wonderful in the morning I still continued to sleep till 8:40 just because I could, even with a life purpose and visualization before bed. I don't know I wanted to retake the course but motivation is something that comes and goes it's not necessarily sustainable. Yet, I need ... washing detergent. I am looking for small things that have an impact that is the principle of kaizen. 1% leverage each day. 

So, I did not meditate in the morning I am used to being ultra flexible, since I lived in China and London, and had to adjust to all kinds of things, so I'll just meditate in my break. There is no one to controll me and therefore I can do 15minutes longer and just meditate and eat for 15min, and meditate for 1h. I know I don't do this stuff when working and earning some money, yet there will be different problems. 

I will start to working now. Also I have to foster a stronger identity according to the gretchen rubin books for habits. But I lack ideas currently, besides spending money on clothes. 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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So, a short report about the 2h session today. With the weekend retreat programm, I started at 4am for me in Germany.

The theme was focus on rest and I noticed that sitting in a seated position I am still not flexible enough, I exhaust all my willpower sitting on a cushion I can sit for 45min, I can sit for 1h sometimes, I will move etc. But, I can't sit very long I am not flexible enough to sit like this which is very annoying and takes all of my motivation out etc. Because it makes me feel like a failure or a looser after sometime and I even improved me posture through stretching still, it does not feel it improved in some way. I tried different things, yet meditating on a chair is the most comfortable way for me even if it let's me feel despondent for a while. It sitting in a seated position allows me to feel depressed I notice I am very attached to results, immediate results w/e. I don't really care about my future, past etc. And still tend to have a nihilistic outlook, because I did just not have many positive experiences in my life, I mean scientifcally "speaking"................................... I'd have to have a ratio of 3:1 of positive to negative experiences in order to become a postivie human being. I've read this in a book a while ago. 

Anyway, I still had some weird flashes, my visual field completely evaporated for 0.5 seconds and it was almost like a new dimension / world was opend. Yet, I can't hold my concentration my concentration skill is fleeting, it is difficult to hold on to it and when I do it I assume I hear my brain change, which is odd. I just hear clicks, the whole time, and the thing I can build the most concentration on is impermanence. Since, my sensory clarity is very high, I notice a lot of tiny and subtle stirring and can focus on them with concentration. I still struggle to distinguish between rest flavours integrated in impermanence, since impermanence can have many different charactersitics.

I want to sit throgh the bio breaks today to enjoy the 8h of meditation on a chair, I can't yet sit long on a cushion the mind-body pain or literalyl brain, body pain is to much, it goes to deep uneccesarily because of all of the pain that is evoked, my stretching habit did not work out. I am overall quiet frustrated with these aspects in my life, as well as my meditative progress. Same counts for the gym, I just keep working and nothing seems to happen, I don't know if I hit a plateau and continuing is the intelligent choice, as well as a smart choice is to re-strategize and take new actions steps towards what can work to reach the next plateau. My dreams are getting very vivid in fact the experience I had almost felt I was transported into a dream world, yet I was not sure what was lurking there the colors where bright, but it had charateristics of "there is something", not only color.

All in all I will ideally get 11h of meditation today, I already did 3h, to be exact 2h and 55 min I moved a lot during the 2h since I did not want to move on a chair, it makes me feel like a failure a lot and I don't enjoy a lot of successes in my life, so I can't rely on "postive willpower" or positive pride, or the momentum of my before accomplished work. Since, I've apparently "been playing around".

The two themes today are expansion and contraction as well as spoantaneitiy. The programm will run from 5pm to 2am. Or 17:00 - 02:00. So, 9h with 1h break in between and 1h bio breaks between 1h30 of meditation inwhich I want to meditate, so I will go from 4h 1h break to 4h. I can't possibly to SDS, perfectly without moving. I have to adjust a little since the chair get's uncomfortable around 1h30- 2h for me. Still, I am quiet disapponited that I can't sit on a cushion longer then a 1h. Because mainly of flexbility or not having build enough concentration to penetrate pain and the lamenting. 

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Alright me second entry today. Well, I found out I can charge my students card on saturday. I am going to name some more positive experiences, and try to do that as well as possible. I never observerd how long an intention holds and if it prodcues results, I do think it's way to subtle to quantify, also I've read a bit of wilber. I am not doing any challenge today as well as going to the gym here is why. 

I was so depressed after the 2h session that I decided I am going to sleep because I only slept for 4h max, and then meditated from 4 to 6am then slept till 09:00am, I took a shower, ate, wrote the post, meditated, watched youtube videos, some minior procrastination still costing me up to 45mins to 30 mins. So, I started cleaning around 11:40 till 12:15 then etc. etc. 

I made a plan for the day, but I decided to pick up my package which costed me an hour, so my gym time went fleeting, I listend to the audiobook the mind illuminated again and listend to the overview of the ten stages as well as stage 7, I am moving to stage 8 definitely, many experiences he describes are the ones that I have for sometime now thinking back to even one entire year. But, I did not know that they are signs of pithi, Ralston or others (?) call this rupture, I interpreted as world process because I liked the definition of the psychic stage the first third tier stage or coral imo. Of experiencing pure love, the godhead, I am not sure if this is no-self, also the pleasure jhanas are apparently signs of stage 10+ ? So, I am a bit confused again. 

Also, what I learned from Wilber and walking around doing background pratice, but I was more amazed by the architecture of the houses nearby, is that each stage also as different dreams. I will write a post about this on different occasions, but for e.g an integral person has dreams of flying to different places, becoming one with divine feminine, masculine, having oneness and mystical experiences in deep sleep, chaning by will the object in a dream. He also explained the bardo releam and that jealousy causes the bardo enterer to be reborn when he sees father and mother making love and lands inside the mothers womb. That blew my mind, I've heard wilber talk about it but never read it, also listening to chapters of audiobooks that are benefitical to you is better than reading the entire book. I currently listen to this on 1.5x speed, since I am walking and with all the noises etc, I can become distracted. I am quite senstive to sound, to some degree. I've read up again on cognitive functions, now I know that NI sees inconsistencies in SE, so the outer world, or outer phenomena like, changes of light, sunshine, shadow, some light for instance on a festival or things like this, or the weird structure of an entiry sceneary, and I can cohesively melt this to a point where I can say this overlaps with another entire structure. I won't name an example for now, it's been sometime since I've travelled but what I mean are landscapes, vastness and space the inconsistencies in that including sound etc. I am quite sensitive to this. 

Anyway, I will listen to the audiobook and chill till the retreat begins. I will workout tomorrow, I worked out three times this week, missing one day when it is a stable pratice I guess it's fine. Stage 7 is definitely a bitch. 

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Posted (edited)

Ok, I have never done this during a retreat, so I took notes mostly afterwards not during brekas. We are having a 1h break for now after 4h of meditation with Q&A through which I meditated, as well as I could. 

What I learned more about GUS.

The global unfixated state, so the mind space I hope he called it that. Is internal talk and internal sight. Which excludes flow and feel out. So, it is the skull and the openness residing there in internal talk and sight space. Also, GUS entails, the flow of impermanence, popcorn thought which actually are the thoughts of enlightenment or liberation rather, I have it now self-liberating thought, quiet quick quickly. Is part of GUS, which is part of do-nothing or just sitting shikentaza. So, this is how I connected the dots, yet experiential I did not went deep he talked a lot about auto think and auto focus. 

Auto focus is what happens during zazen for e.g the mind slips into an automatic concentration mode where effort is not applied, the intention to control attention evaporates and the flavour of concentration is shinning forth. This is what partially happend but only inside my skull, not including the whole body. In general shortly after the 4h I lied down for 5minutes to save the flavour and I noticed that my brain was pumping and that I have this cut and dry feeling of streamlinedness again, I don't know how to describe it else, but it is... open presence may be a good choice also. An open presence of the cut and dry what isness of the sensess. My brain was pulsaiting this time a different cortex... (Rinde von lat. zu de.), so  I focused my intention of the impermanence of that and I noticed I could control it, yet when I released control since this is what stage 8 as well as stage 7 is about as well as effort and concentration, my brain received a lot of oxygen / blood ? What ever not even sure if there is blood near my brain. No idea. 

So, that is that. Otherwise what did I learn ? Concentration can be reverse engineered instead of building concentration I let concentration build concentration. 

Let's see what happens the next 4h segment, will be expansion and contraction, riding the ox backwards, so I am curious for that. 

Otherwise from the Q&A, I want to do auto chant when I live alone not sure what if not I am just screaming out loud numbers again, this is so fun. But, I am still held in check, so I am not transgressing the boundary of what I feel I could do in this enviroment, at home I screamed so loud in the house, IDGAF, time stopped existing and it felt like time was reversed no fking idea. I also did not write my shamanic wannabe approach to deal with the kriya experience this is quiet embarassing. Alright I am done for now.  

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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