ValiantSalvatore

Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

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Posted (edited)

Okay, let's see I came back home and today I have a really bad blabber mouth. I am just talking and talking the whole time. 

I've listend to the an audiobook on my way back home and it talked about third tier and in depth... Wilber depth... I did not comprehend at all what he was talking about fully. What I know is there is.

Indigo
Violet
Ultra-violett
Clear Light

Anyway, these are the color terms the terms he also uses are.

Para-Mind
Illumend-Mind/Meta Mind
Overmind
Super-Mind
SteveSelf-Altitude.jpg

Ther narrator talked about the whole time about the things tetra-interacting, psychospritual growth and all of this stuff. Yet, what I partially understood and what I reach through psychdelics yet only partially is an insight into the psychic level, indigo, para-mind or here global mind. It is a direct identification with the gross realm with what is sentient, down to atoms, molecules etc. What I did not think, because this is not what is commonly understood with the word sentient, meaning things are capable of feelings or "Empfindungsfähig" in German. I don't know if reptiles could cry for instance etc. 

So you would feel that the former other is now you in the gross releam for a period of time regardless if it is a an animal for instance or an inanimate object but not the formless !!!!. Also, you start to perceive wholes, at Violett meta-mind you feel wholes and feel the whole of a whole and feel the whole of a whole. Also, a holacracy describes that parts make up a whole, yet a whole can not make up more than the sum of it's parts. Meaning a whole that has parts can never have more wholes than parts. Again, meaning the whole is the highest form of the holacracy. For instance the fibers of a tree, or the fibers of a muscle make up the whole of the muscle including for instance, the cells, water, etc. down to the smallest element, than in return a muscle or a tree can not make up the amount of fibers which create the whole of the tree or muscle. That is what is meant with holacracy.

Technically, also as far as I understood it's a hierachy of wholes, so a whole made of wholes made up of wholes, since the fibers for e.g are wholes themselves, because they are made out of cells let's say or atoms / molecules etc. The other thing I recall is he mentioned at MetaMind that Green often says they are in the matrix, yet a matrix would mean that everything is a hologram or is holographic implying somehow everything is made out of the same substrate/substance. I thought at that moment, wait that would be non-dual or supermind or clear white light. Yet, at meta-mind a whole experience can be felt IIRC of the holacracy of things as well as the holographic aspect of the universe both as a whole. Also he speaks about ontology and epistomology that in Tier 1 people see them as seperated at Tier 2 they know they are interconnected and tier two generally sees and thinks of itself as an interconnected web of all things and beings alive, yet does not expierence this, the fullness of this is reached in third tier deeper and deeper. At Third 3 ontology and epistomology come together and can be experienced fully. Also each third tier prehends the previous whole and super-mind is like the god father of structure or let's say the god "scaffolding" towering of all others, in some non-power sense, it's just a super-structure somehow. In the next chapter he will explain the difference between structure-stages and structure-states.

The structure-stages are Tier 1 + 2, yet structure-states are Tier 3. Which are not stage-stages, for instance state-stages can be experienced at every level and can also be included into Third tier meaning when I reach Indigo for instance and I have casual level state-stages experiences casually, my interpretations of it will move up one notch in order to understand it fully. Also at OverMind (which would be casual in some sense) the non-objectivness of reality, form and formlessness even can be experienced. It somehow includes some non-objective form of emptiness ... 

I don't understand jack between the stages above Indigo, I am fine with Indigo I peaked into it, my intuiton was fking on point, yet the other stages, I can't imagine seeing the world that way lol. Indigo yes, the gross releam or outerworld would be fully included into a sense of I which is not limited to body-mind identification according to Wilber in this book! The indentification stops here at the body-mind level for the first time making it the first full transpersonal stage. I assume no-self is there as a stage and turqouise is a structure development that can be reached without having fully reached a structure-state stages such as arhat for instance which could be clear white light etc. 

Still, I don't understand the real difference between state-stages and structure-stages yet. So, I will see I wanted to write that and gain some clarity around the whole Ken Wilber spiel........... . This he also talked about shadow work and that journaling itself can show the hidden maps and structures of each stage. So, you can draw conclusions, also so everyone who has achived according to my understanding ... no since I don't know yet what state-stages and structure-stages are, I will not jump to conclusions.

Shadow works helps to destroy vantage points and creates views, so one does not look through binoculars anymore, yet can know when the drive arrives and when to look through the binoculars and when not, meaning the constant vantage point of the binoculars are destroyed and can be turned into views meaning I am not bound to use my binoculars anymore, yet I can use them and enjoy the view, instead of being bound to the vantage point of the binocular aka shadow. So, the drive can be experienced as a viewpoint and not a hidden self-bias, to put it into potentially simpler terms, yet it does not fully prehend the depths of the shadow itself. Also, there is the 3-2-1-0 process I want to look into that, but that is it for now. Before my sub-conscious turns up and mixes in a couple of hours more worth of audiobook listening. 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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I am back from my 60km+ bike ride, it was great I love the scenary around the area of the river Rhine and I just spammed my friend constantly with the stuff I wrote above and retreats and khankia samadhi, I keep thinking when tf is actually one person in my immediate enviroment becoming slightly so interested by the stuff, I swear I can't put more passion into this stuff, yet people are so fking comfortable, they would not even order a prodcut that contains less ingredients and is natural if they can get a good deal for some stuff that has not been tested for instance. Still, they are so driven by dumb Tv and Netflix, true victims of media abuse. In some sense, all of these sterotypes displayed and this modern, toxic, glee type humour and meme humour is utterly unconscious. It's insane how much they can't see their privliege I hope there asses will be moved to Libera where General "Butt Naked" eats their children and starts becoming invisible and gives them suprise butt rapes. Btw, I'll also say that into their face, yet ehh at one point I am radical enough lol. They can't believe even somethings hypothetically that their own self-bias.. yes I am turning into a negative here, is preventing them just from seeing even the possiblities, they did not intergrate feeling and thinking they may know one influences the other, but they have no clue that feeling and thinking happens simulatenously, they also never ate so healthy, that they "cleansed" their own bodies. Even if they are now more post-modern they still lack a lot of "progressivness" especially with animals etc. They still can laugh and make fun out of all the curelty and feel sympathy but not empathy, I don't need to hear your stupid comment fking cry. 

This is what I don't get by my old friend group, the new peers I attract are way way more open especially for instance at the internship, it's a blessing, I will keep working on everything that works in my life, this is the stuff I know is subtle, yet also I know that I am very sensitve and vulnerable, sometimes I wonder why girls claim "unconsciously" that they are so empathic, when they lack passion. I could ask if I am fooling myself, am I passionate ? 

I am definitely passionate about growth in general regardless if it is books or meditation, yet I rarely feel anyone who can talk and spam you for fking hours with high intensity energy for a topic, it's rare. Fortunately it is "meditation/enlightenment" I see this as a blessing and want to continue that path, it's insane how deluded they are, they live their lives of their parents even when I tell them that they enjoy it. The couples are even coupled each with their own father/mother personality type which is okay, since they are similar yet sometimes I notice do they notice ??? I question that. 

I mean is it not boring to see the constant pattern over and over again, of course their parents are very very different. Still, I don't quite get it besides that people are attracted to partners who give them the kind of love they recived as children in some modality. 

So, that is one thing. Still. ignorance and priviledge is amazing, I could write 2000 novels about white euorpean privileg it's sad that most people became scum, they are not really people that you don't know and can meet, they are known and want to exploit that what is familar. 

YET AGAIN this region is so different a lot of open-minded people I do think the landscape forms this kind of thinking, which is beautiful, yet I know I am still playing status games to a degree I don't know if this ends somehow, it's somehow a neccesity to keep people from undermining you, so I just do it for "survival" which is still just ridiculous and I let people know that by my vocal tone and intentionallity, I am also very progressive with people who are at the bottom of society, and treat them the same. My best friend is similar in our hometown is so much scum, walking around, that you know at one point what kind of people you want to meet and can enjoy. 

I am just a bit disaapointed that I can't take them on a journey which has been one of the most adventerous journeys I have undertaken in some sense, exploring ones inner world. I mean I am writing journals for 4 years now and I still have my journals from China all handwritten etc. I wrote 6 or 8 volumes they vary in size, yet I usually wrote around 3-4 months or 4-6 months into one journal at a given time. 

So, they definitely don't explore their creative, self-expressive, vocal side, their own process of analyzing and coming to conclusions the topics I sort of have to talk with them about are topics that I covered 8 years ago ? 7 ? 6 ? 5? At least I revisted them 3 years ago and from time to time I enjoy talking about them, yet they don't even know the Big-5 they are not interested in psychology, science and stuff like this. I did not even know I like science till I received old insights through LSD, since my school path would have been very different if things would not have been as they have unfolded. So, I could not take the advanced courses I would have chosen , not to mention how I would have been as a persona with growing up with a father, which I did not have. So, I was just left on my own since I can think of anything, and contemplated a lot 99% of the comments I read are just people who never been alone for such a long long long time, that I think. First I think sure I could have used my time better and read a lot of books, instead of playing around on computers and reading articles, browsing on youtube and exploring all kinds of websites on the net. For instance still one of my favorite websites is lonerwolf.com because this is what got me started, also music I am very very big on that, I love it. They took my out of musical school , because they could not explain my emotions to me so I left I could not verablize very well how I feel when my grandma since I come from a 3 generation household keeps partonizing me and she is German imagine that I AM BLACK PARTIAllY imagine that and again IMAGINE THAT  she was NOT RACIST THE TINYEST BIT SHE IS A FKING SAVAGE IN A SENSE BUT IGNORANT AS A STUBBORN GIT she had to flee from the war since she was little and her father was mentally not stable after the first and or second world war, so I can understand it logically why she was so weird sometimes and neurotic as fk, still she was a tiny posion dwarf. Yes posion dwarf, a freaking Giftzwerg. This region basically fked her brain up literally, it's unfortunate... I just wish that all of my passions would not have been destroyed by financial struggles, my father being a drunk lazy fk face, my mother being a mole not seeing anything and my Grandma not being so emotionally toxic. My grandpa was apparently a great guy, but he died, when I was 10 or so, so I just saw him dying away each day being weird at me when I came down happy and he actually took care of his brain. Not like my grandma, sometimes I wonder. 

Why me ? Yet, this victim mentallity does not help, it's rare to find someone to relate, most people don't grow up with their grandparents anymore, also with only their single mom as well as grandma and with a lesbian aunt ( she does not live in our house etc.). All of this post-modern mumbo hitlery I heard since I was 4 or so, I saw their relationships gay people are so normal around me that I can't not understand for instance why people are even so curious, it's the way it is and some people live that way. Still, I never really quite understood them, it was like watching a movie and I was not able to perform in it, since they did not allow me somehow to shine. I never received what I wanted since I could not properly dabble. Sometimes I think, or I'll frame it like this, I almost died at birth and was operate I have a giant scar running near my hip decorating my body. Sometimes I wonder did my mom never really care about all of these incidents ? Or is she just happy that I am breathing and I am alive ? I don't feel it. I don't see it. I don't hear it. Waking up drinking coffe like a fking junky and wine every second day, maks me more depressed than seeing some white privlidge fk kid receiving all the benefits of a welfare state while not providing shit cu** value for others. I am happy that science is popular these days so these arrogant assholes can move their butt into a postive global direction. I am still not at coral / indigo I am going to most likely again conflate these things, it's insane how often I am correct, because I am so often wrong about certain things, still my intuition or Ken Wilber saying You Can't be Wrong All of the Time is quite true/is on point... as usual... . When I look at people in Libera I become so outraged that people live like this and I see my peers spending money on a fking fake gucci bags, white clocks ? Or what was that ? What are those ?! Could have been a good meme. I just hope it's from a country which can structurally support itself and gives people opportunities etc. TBH I myself can't afford clothes that are not from Pakistan, Bangadesh or any country like this. Even if I would want to buy from sellers where they don't exploit their customers. In the end it all flows back into the system, still I am a bit stuck with all of this analysis when I don't read more books or feed myself with new country.

I sure as hell know that things become repititive at one point of writing so many journals, at the end still waters run deep, I can't even share my vulnerable side when writing on a laptop, a pen and paper is way way more emotional. Still, there are some issues I want to resolve, yet I have again 1 gazzilion questions and I highly doubt that people on the forum could help me with that. I know where to ask, I could search the net again and try different techniques, yet I am sort of done with that for now. 

I want to move to a new city and region and end this chapter of my life and re-start it re-engineer it and reverse engineer it constantly. Chooping wood and getting water, including chopping freaking books, without theory I'll be lost. Even with the greatest map ever made, still the greatest map ever made won't make me go astray to far. 

So, a longer non-emotional rant and yes I mean non-emotional. I don't think I'll be enjoying bike rides to the extend I want to before coral/indigo I want to know now more than ever what is and also what is true, it's difficult to contemplate alone I mean why do all of these famous philosophers have discussions, they want to share their insights, still this is somehow a partial monk mode. Silince is also a great teacher, especially with for instance a zen master who can break that silence and imbue it with shakti or consciouness or his dharmakaya if I understand the latter term correctly.

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I am currently at the internship I will take my 10 minutes of a so called deep break.

What do I want to write about ? Results of the last week.

I programmed for 50 mins 4 times after work this week.
On the weekend I went cycling and back home.
I threw away a bunch of clothes. 
Came back home and was involved in the usual chaos of my family.
I worked out 4 times including the bike ride.

So, all in all. It was decent I could have done more, yet I am not very passionate about anything it is very difficult for me when my enviroment does not allow me to follow my natural passions as well as it has been denied by my past behaviour as well as people not supporting me properly. The times where I was supported properly I went through the grind and received good results. Yet, my decision making is no always on top. 

I do generally make better decisions now and try to execute upon my premonitions, instead of just relying on flukes and hope. I still question if I take enough action. Some people generally have a stronger drive and I am interested in so many topics, this was since I was little. I can reflect upon that 1000x times the point is now. I want to take action regardless of perceived pain or comfort. I do have a very strong confort mentallity still, depending on the situation etc. I am still not used for instance theoretically working 10 hours a day or so is a lot. And I don't know how I can get much done with 8h a day and then pursuing a hobby like working out and then coming back home and eating etc. Preparing food takes time and I simply don't have the money to buy myself a car and drive around or a big enough kitchen. I forgot now over the weekend to take a giant pot with me, because it has been quite hectic. Financial struggle has been a theme that has been running through my life for quite a while. I am still clueless besides receiving education or doing some part-time job etc to deal with that and also mindset etc. 

Still, my family never took on a financial responsibility to the degree needed. It's tedious and makes people way to comfortable, just having a job. Is pure shit or feeds into comfort mentallity. Or being "little". You go back home, do some tiny stuff you enjoy and don't aim big. Aiming "big" taks a lot of work I never thought I'd have to do, yet at the same time it's not that much. Time is up. The timer will block the website. 

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Okay, I finally got to my journal for now otherwise it will be to late. I definitely got distracted today by the forum, posting HC stuff. 

Otherwise a short more or less performance reflection.

At the internship I was not able to get anything done, because I was stuck in their "meeting" but I could have just left, still I am a bit scared to assert myself when my position is safe, I could do it I know the principles (some of them) of being assertive and the body language also, so I am using that. Yet, I become very vulnerable, so this takes some courage from my side which I'd like to work on. I'd love to have some couragous friends.

Otherwise, restructuring my appartement, I want to order my books my size and content instead of having them in the shelf they are quite a few not to many to say I am a bookworm or anything like that but enough to impress one person from my major. 50-60 books or so I did not read all of them. I am more of an audiobook junkie, since there are more opportunities to listen to that with the flexiblity that I am demanded to display because of the freaking hill and living alone. I do not have a lucky occasion where my roommate cooked some food like my old roomate in China did, so I can't do that.

I will review the intention tomorrow for the programming habit and start just by tracking it again and reading the process. This is important I still strugle with priorities. The root cause are my routines and habits, my vision and my life purpose as well as my living situation etc. 

I schedule my week and or day often, not daily because my situation is so lax, that I am not required technically to do any of this. I still want to do it. I wrote down my monthly "appointments" and "arbitary deadlines". I am still a bit clueless as to how to increase my conscientciousness, I figured so far that my enviroment could cue me to be conscientcious. I watched JP's lecture about this a plan is very good and stick to it. That is what I can take out of that without just enjoying a fun and very informative lecture. 

So, I do have a lot of time, the hour that I am sleeping longer in the morning is killing an early start, therefore I can go to bed later and programm for a hour longer, with the other schedule I can go 1h home earlier ... 

So... that is that I could talk and talk and talk and talk. HOLY FREAKING ELEPHANTASTIC DEMON TURTLE, I did not invent the demond turtle ! My friend did on the bike ride, I still want to share the fruitloop boat story...

Anyway... 

I will go to bed now and fold all of my "residually left" clothes and order the books in my bookshelf. 


Root causes that disturbe my programming habit:
-> Having to go back home or wanting to go back home just for some water.... no fking joke, it's the best way.
-> Not having a clean room
-> Not treating it as a nr1 priority as important and urgent
-> Not having food prepared and knowing what to eat
-> Being distracted by the internet
-> Having not a habit that follows it but, I have the tea routine.
-> Potentially my orderliness
-> Having a lot of social contacts !!! Helps with industriouness, so chat at work ! Chat at the gym ! Chat and take the opportunity to meet people, eat their food, say they have a nice butt, whatever yet get social !
-> Take the future authering programm

There are some things that are in my way that are small, I also want to do a shadow work session about small things, small things trigger me more than bigger things according to Eckhart Tolle I would have an inflated ego, and this is partially the case, I wonder what is inside this treasure. 

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I cleaned up my bookshelf and counted how many books I have and journals, I thought I had more when I stacked them all up and ordered them, some are programming books, some are very small books more like a bundle of pamphlets for e.g of animal activism. So, in total I own 70 books and 9 journals that are handwritten. I do have a couple of notes on OneNote as well as a digital journal and this journal. 

I will post a picture of the books. I did not read all of them I counted 42 and that is more that I thought of I also have 55 audiobooks I listend to most of them so I am close to about 100 books in physical and audio format that is quite cool.

20190827_205425.jpgScreenshot_20190827-205906.jpg


I do have the audible sub for quite a long time I downloaded it when I first heard about PD in 2014/15 so the audiobooks stack up nicely. 

I bought a book about productivity I will read this today and review my intention as well as move the books to their proper place and fold the pile of clothes next to it lol, and then start programming tomorrow most likely. I definitely want to learn more about productivity I did want to reflect upon something else today. The reason why I want to read the productivity book is because it actually has a chapter about reflection and I like that. 

I hope the pile of books will stack up sooner or later when I can organize myself better and have some money to buy certain tools and utensiles and a different room. 

 

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I am cooking some food right now and will start programming afterwards, tbh I am a happy currently. Yet, somepeople need to piss in my soup badly, fking again white trash captain germany hitler nazi commandant I swear to god if he is going to do what I think he'll do, then I am fked with even going to the gym and I would have to walk a 20-30 min walk towards the gym, which is just horrendous. Still there are many people it's not to bad, yet people like him trigger me they act like they are culturally open, and then some wealthy fk face foreigner comes to him because he is white and has power nothing else. It is not that I can't differntiate between growth and dominator hierachies, but fk faces like him wants me to be hitler. As long as he is privlieged he enjoys it he does not know how it feels like to be marginalized and he would be the type to project reverse racism, when in fact what he is doing and how he is behaving is discriminating. No wonder he does his master at this shit uni. 

I hope people like him die. I can't love people like him currently, sure there are moments when it is fine, yet generally I feel the incentive to rape and kill him tbh. I hate this Hurensohn so fking much and his fa***** friend who worked with me and the group projects and get's good grades in them because his "friends" carry them and he lures them with wealth and opportunities for fun. White fking trash. Am I overracting ? Most likely ? Is my intuition correct ? Most likely. Fking Asian Yuppy Fker I hate people like this as long as it is not brown I am not going to touch it. That is how people like him feel. I will definitely do a shadow work session I did plently already with triggers like this I can't be wrong 100% all the time, yet this guy again. Is somer power hungry bitch who would bend the knee if someone taller and stronger comes in the same position, no fking bite. Only in groups. 

Fking hell, stupid power games I bought the book 48 laws of power and I will definitely read that sometime......

Today programming.


Also, I wanted to make this a gratitude journal because this has been a blessing in a sense, the law of attraction definitely seems to work for this and I generally attract more positive events.

I am thankful to have a great internship in which I can learn how to reverse engineer
I am thankful that I can programm for a dedicated time during the day.
I am thankful for shinzen youngs life pratice programm
I am thankful for a member for doing a gratitude journal
I am thankful that people give me opportunities and chances based on competence and potential. 

 

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Short entry. I read a bit in the productivity book yesterday and they spoke about goals are for looser and systems for winners, I do not like these terms that much they are very orange and I like it more in a healthy competition sense, where you are one team against another etc. It's difficult to describe but I hate it to depict people as loosers etc. It mentioned it is important to reflect about behaviour and have goals as a guideline and a vesion not a mere metric to strive towards too. Also that there are 5 categories of smth. One is for values, one is for vision, one is for roles, one is for daily tasks and monthly "dues". And the other one I forgot and that it is important to review most of them monthly and the latter one daily. So, I have a bullet journal which is also mentioned in this chapter of the book and I want to integrate this there, especially yearly and monthly goals, since I do not have these there. Only monthly assignments but not goals, so I want to restructure this system also, especially because it is minimalistic I am no dependent upon many devices or my calendar and my phone, but can use various tools. 

Next it was about yearly themes, I did this ? Not sure anymore.. yet he mentions for instance and he or she also mentions websites that to choose for instance three words that create a theme for the year. For instance excellence, execution and empathy so you would focus on this and choose actions that are aligned with these words. I choose for instance in 2018 habits and 2019 I forgot, 2020 I wanted to focus on finance and learn how I can retire and stuff like this before I finish university etc, so I have a good knowledge base before I enter the job market etc. 

Now the author also talked about that it is important to align goals with values and with ones vision and to check this quaterly or yearly. That is what I remember so far. Nothing unusual, yet it is important to take action for a few years and see if you reap what you sow. 

Gratitude today: Also I've read in a book where they did studies how apparently most effective this exercise is if it is not benefifical as a reminder do it more or less depending on what I did before. 

I am thankful for a beautiful sunny morning.
I am thankful to wake up and don't feel groggy at all.
I am thankful to work together with a wonderful open human being.
I am thankful to have some fun at work and chit-chat.
I am thankful for empathic and compassionate people who like to have fun.

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I will make a short entry I will cook some food now and clean the dishes and then go to the building on the campus where I can study coding for approx. 2h or so. 

What am I thankful for today ?

I am thankful for meeting new people and very open people again.
I am thankful for chatting with good friends.
I am thankful for my mom taking care of me.
I am thankful for my discipline to work out 5 times a week.
I am thankful to have a lenient professor, who takes care.

So, that is that otherwise I would write again for at least  half a hour, I want to make everything work out, for now focusing on the coding habit is the most important thing it is urgent and important. Next weekend I will be doing a retreat so I can't procrastinate with this project !!! This is very very important. 

I schedule my study sessions, and I can still ask a friend for help which is good. Yet, I want to have this project finished before the new semester that would be so freaking perfect. Yet, I am stuck even with minor things, and I could go by to office and ask someone around the floor to help, yet I did not do it, I am still not very strongly proactive, potential strong, yet not very strong. 

So, that is that. I had a really weird encounter yesterday which was fun. I actually meet again an INTP girl the second one so far, it was fun as hell and she was non of the dogmatic intp's she made me laugh actually about donkeys. I could not believe it, I just had to laugh. 

The universal donkey INTP's. The great classic. 

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Posted (edited)

Okay, I am stopping the cajolery from the audiobooks and will make a quick reflection before I eat my food and get out of the appartement.

My workouts are fine I want to gain muscles in a calore deficiet now, yet I can't type in every calorie some people say it's not efficient to coun them or not neccessary I will still test this to the degree I can, since I can't find every product on chronometer, yet it provides myself with a pretty good overview of what I can eat and when I find new products or eat them, I can look for them and have a reference value.

So, the cajolery, the switch between gym and going for a coding session is still not very fluent I waste a lot of time washing the dishes and stuff like this, still this is the best time according my plan, still my sleep would have to suffer, besides when I would do the sessions early on the morning, yet I still struggle to get out of bed early in the morning and since I can do whatever I want I can sleep longer. As long as I provide results which I am doing, not perfectly yet I like it that my professor is positive and actually gives compliment instead of lamenting all day long about the quality of students or the work ethic and stuff like this or the new generation. 

Still, if it is about productivity I am still a bit stuck in not prefering what is important as well as urgent as well as important. I still do what is urgent which is sort of needy. I get better at finishing projects and get accustomed to arbitary deadlines, yet this is customary. So, I will give myself credit for wanting to uphold them, yet executing them and knowing how I can get used to setting my own deadlines is still a skill not present in my repertoire yet.

So, doing it over and over again is good. I still want to learn when I need to give up in terms of real life goals and endeavours, not video games, that is a bit to easy. Yet, I feel gave the proper perspective to tell okay, it's time to quit the other team won. 

I will make myself tea and go to the building, I will study for approx 2h and see how far I can get what are relevant questions to ask, so I would not need to read a book or tips for instance and solve this project dilema with common sense ?

How long do I need to study each day ?
What ressources do I need ?
When should the project be finished ?
Can I ask someone for help ?
What do I not know ? 
What part of the projcet do I want to work on ?
What do I know ? 
What do I need to learn for now ?
What would a project manager do ?
What would an autodidact do ? 


Options I have:

Read the bookmarked page and implement the code, test the behaviour of the code.
Ask on reddit / check reddit for an answer.
Ask a my friend and go home over a weekend. 
Set a 3 arbitary deadlines read the chapter again about arbitary deadlines in the book.
Take a huge block of time on the weekend and dedicate it to programming for instance 10h prepare food take smart breaks etc. , read the notes of the LP course again about habits, to the process again.

Finish it segmentally, I am not sure how I can go about this in a systemic way. I have to build up which is weird instead of breaking down. As simple as this sounds it's odd. It's different it is like a work out. 

hm......... From the book I read two days ago a chapter loosers think about goals winners about systems, the system was the behaviour leading to the goal, since behaviour can be so complex depending how I view it for instance when I reach up to a pull up the fibers of my muscle stretch and the latisimus dorsi is activated, the movement causes small injuries to the muscel fibers and through regernation it will fix the cracks and grow the muscles through for instance growth hormones. Yet, see I am lacking the why. Why do the cracks grow, I could read on the weird systems side that has been posted on the forum and I understand what is meant, yet I am not interested in studying it. I thought I would be, yet it was so abstract it was boring. So, I refrained from doing that, so I can't use the pure abstraction and use it as a scafold for introducing myself to systemic ways. I can use what I know from Wilber so, I could would lacking the part of the holon, yet I find this to be weak currently to have such a simplistic view, I definitely did not explore yellow in breadth, I was never a very good breadth guy, so my skills in any domain mostly lack. 

So, the behaviour that would lead to the outcome of having a vision is the tea routine, repetition of the habit, a reward, small things like putting on clothes, packing the laptop in the bag, keeping my room clean etc. 

A system can also be very easy when I recall the lectures about vendor machines etc. A few gates, a few different decisions and it get's complex very easily, since all of it is interwoven and has to be entageled. I just hope I will get accepted at the universities I want to go to. 

Okay, enough palaver. 
 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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I wanted write a post before I meditate, yesterday was weird again a lot of weird light flashes again and I could not tell anymore if I am conscious or not, since it was just slapped into it. 


I am watching a YouTube video about self-discipline and waking up on time, I am definitely missing basic persoanl development. I do a couple of things, for instance meditation for self-discipline. Journaling, as well as having a bullet journal as my schedule. Yet, what I am often not doing is the strategy of identity so that I choose to perceive and conceive myself as for instance an early riser instead of a night owl. I definitely want to work on that the video I just watched says it's not important to have a perfect streak, yet that overall things have a positive trend. So, when I look at my sleep schedule habit grid, it's 3/7 times in a week approx. where I make it on bed on time and wake up on time. The 1h leeway personally works fine, yet I thought gradually reducing it to 15 minutes so I wake up on the same time is not easy. I am also missing an identity to wake up early on the weekend, so I could see myself as not an inmate of my dorm room. Yet, the ceo of my life ? A productivity hacker ? An early bird ? An early riser and fitness coach ? I am lacking ideas I'll try to perceive myself as this and I still wanted to listen to Atomic Habits again. I finished the audiobook version of the religion of tomorrow, yet hearing it once is like reading 50-100 pages imo. Especially it 30h volume reading the book though gives me insights retroactively.

So, I will meditate now and go to the internship, eat breakfast before and plan my week. Also, I will pay for the retreat on the weekend this week before the 4th of september. After that I am not sure if I will be able to do retreats for a couple of months, depends on my work progress.  

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I am having a 10 min break after my 50 min of deep work. I got distracted partially by my co-worker, now it's quite yet the timer was running, so I will still do smth. in these 10 minutes that is of benefit to me, for now.

I wanted to review the video mentally as well as I can and see if I can derive anything out of it which is beneifical in more orange factors. So, the thing is why ? 

Why do I want to do behaviour changes ? Why am I asking why ? Why do I want to be more succesful ? Why do I want to change my life with simple basic principles that most are missing ?

Why do I want to have programming as a habit ? As for instance a daily habit ?

Because I love the complexity of it and that I can google for answers and come up with solutions of my own, that I can be creative of how I can structure the code to a certain degree, that I can learn about various patterns and their effects, therefore different modalities. I like it also since it feels more language based then mathimatical from what I currently do, as well as I do enjoy the mathematical side of it. I like that I can see what I produce and that I can see the results almost immediately. I like it that many are somewhere here in Europe at Green and are aware of political correctness and uphold that. I also like the rowdy more orange bunch, you can have a lot of fun of them and many are still respectful. 

I like it also as a lifestyle, coding as a lifestyle is basically how I lived as a kid and as a student my whole life and I enjoy this introverted way of living. I also enjoy that I have more freedom because of the financial situation and I can take vacations or pursue hobbies on the weekend or during the week that I enjoy. I can even purchase a car, so another why is besides the selfless aspect of liking to programm for programmings sake, which is part of the motivation, I still want to motivate myself by the external benefits I receive and learn to detach myself from them, since they did not fullfill me till now and I can still enjoy them and see their benefit. 


Gratitude Journal:

I am thankful for the Thomas Frank video in the morning.
I am thankful for content on the web learning from videos and from people who take the time to make them.
I am thankful for meditation and the contentess I receive and perceive as well as the insights I have.
I am thankful for the home pratice programm from shinzen young.
I am thankful for people who can enjoy a good, beautiful and sunny day. 

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Okay, so another entry.

I coded today for 1h I did not code on the weekend because of my weird meditation insight and my structure of the weekend. I can't go to any building besides the one that I am at I could go to the libary and study there, I aim to do that, yet I would have to walk down there and eat some food in advance, yet I could actually do that.... 

So, next weekend. This weekend I will do another weekend retreat.

I listend to the audiobook atomic habits again when I went grocery shopping today and apparently I WON IN A FREAKING RAFFLE. So, that was odd. My mom complaind with her weird non-existential Yellow "Vernunft" which she does not have and I can say that a billion times, yet she does not get it. 

So, she complained that I gave out banking information with a false orange scepticism. While I applied to legit raffles recommended by student websites. Yet, she was right also, so I will take action on that, depending on how well I can execute all of it.

Now, it's gettint late. The audibook described that a strategy of identity is so important, seeing myself as an athelete as well as a programmer could help me tremendously, the approach I wrote from the medium website was maybe to technical and just forced, like I was a robot. Instead I could rely on systems and heart more I like it that the author talks about systems instead of goals. That behaviour and actions drive the results and being on the trajectory is alread a result and to see that. That is the most legit advice my mother gave me focus on the process, when she works she does that but only when she works, but again, 0 ambition not a lot of orange, besides orange/blue type sceptecism. Yet, she is Green imo and for a typical German quite developed, instead of what I sometimes see, and or perceive my mom surely is an oddball. I don't think she notices that but she is odd as fk lol. 

Now, I got side-tracked easily, I feel that I am getting more intune with my masculine side as well as stage "orange" achievment is a healthy positive way. I still have some critque left at the internship I can't tell if this is actually Yellow, since I rated my prof that way and the discussions etc. He has on various newsarticles etc. seem to skew a bit more yellow than others. I felt for instance HCI is very Yellow/Green and Green/Orange, with main focus of some Green mixture etc.

But back to the habit thing, also saying that for instance I am a non-smoker is better then saying no I don't smoke since an identity shift occured and I could finally release the old identity which has been entrenched in my old self, it is not a way of my life anymore ! So, that is how I would re-parrot what he said. 

So, I don't quite get the critque on Wilber I did not read much from him, yet I listend and watched a lot of videos, I mean you can't tell from writing exactly how Green etc. someone is sure you can especially when skilled tell that there are certain thought patterns, dogmas, and or frame of writing which seems to be a certain colour. Yet, looking at Wilber and hearing his story partially I do think he has a very high amount of Green for his generation my mom is also a baby-boomer, so the book post truth trumpism was mainly addressed also to baby boomers who raised Gen Y children etc. I've read that on the integral life site. Anyway, for my "perceived" him as ISTP ... he certainly is quite warm and Green, compared to other especially in my generation who revert to this psychotic, cool type, nihilism. 

So, I am not really up for aruging althought I'd like to enter my two cents, yet it will get to technical and will take a lot of time to read, which I don't have and you can see how easily I can get distracted, yet also again how fast I can comeback from the distraction. I do think this is mainly because of open monitoring or choiceless awarness or shikentaza pratice that I've been doing mainly over the last 2-3 years. So, I like that I can be momentairly highly concentrated through out the day. It may not be the best strategy, shinzen mentioned that khanika samdadhi is very important, I wrote again and asked if i can talk, I will receive feedback and I want to ask him about studying meditatio, no self practices and potentially breaking sleep. Since I tried bi-phaisc sleep for 2-3 months or 1-2 months. Or so, a freaking month only has 4 weeks. 

Otherwise think about the strategy of identity how it was mentioned in the audiobook, for instance one girl changed her behaviour to eating healthy by constantly asking what would a healthy person so, similar to praticing self-inquiry to a degree, and practicing it through out the day. So, yes I wll do that with programming and coding. I will see myself first as a programmer/coder. 

Otherwise, having implementation intentions I tried this also is supposed to work great, also in addition Gretechn Rubins book the four personalities or so, says the rebel which "I am" benefits greatly from the strategy of identity, I build a workout habit with it in addition to using online accountability, instagram. So, hm... that is what I could get out of the audiobook, I was talking to the guys who said I won the raffle as well as my mom on my way home. So, that is that. 

Let's see...

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Small 10 minutes review.

Nobody believies me that I won in a raffle. Let's see what wins conscious perception or common doubt lol. 

Now, I wanted to do a quick 10 min max review. People advised me that if I'd wanted to learn coding I should not go to the professor where I am at, there difference here is that he is innovating as far as I perceive things and people who took his courses received very good jobs. So, I am interested in what actually he will teach. I like him as a human, so I can't tell and that I don't have to be in a room with a billion of other people. As well as I am out for a bit more adventure, yet still there is some doubt about actual skills that I will be learning as well as how much time I need to invest to find out simple things. 

Otherwise I've read a few pages in the productivity book yesterday and I the tips were not to schedule meetings back to back to take a break in between and do 2 minute tasks in the meantime. Also, about priorities that if you schedule priorities let's say project A has a prority of P1 while P5 is the least important, and project B has a priority of P3 that when suddenly an e-mail or a phone call comes and disrupts you what do you do ? When your co-workers needs your immediate attention or a boss, you drop everything and go to them etc. Now, what to do in that sort of situation ? One thing that you can do is you plan your week in advance or ideally if possible two weeks and dedicate certain amount of time to the priority of the project, so when a number of P1 projects stack up you still have control over your time and dedicate a certain amount of blocks of time during the week or allocate it to a specific timespan. From 11:00 - 13:00 P1 Project - Learn about cloud computing for e.g. So, I would do that which I am actually doing the bullet journal is like a speed hack for productivity combining many principles now learning about them is a good guide which tells me okay, you are on the right track and you have automatically implemented the underlying principles. 

Now, also what is being said reflect 5 minutes each day if you don't have 5 minutes refelect 10. Well well... let's see how fast I will grow without dysfunction anymore. 

Gratitude journal:

I am thankful for support that I receive during my internship
I am thankful for people who give support. 
I am thankful for the kindness of others.
I am thankful for a tranquil meditation session in the morning.
I am thankful that I feel that I am on the right path. 
 

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A 10 minute break goes by very fast the timer is almost up. I bought the retreat yesterday and I hope I will receive a notification in time. Now, then otherwise I am a bit dissapointed in my friend group no taking things as seriously as I do and not taking and creating chances, yet instead slacking off and focusing on things that they could have built some years ago, I don't criticize them and wish them also much success, yet it's somehow bothering when I listen to audiobooks telling me that I associating with the right people who have the behaviours that you want is a smart strategy. Which it surely is, yet it lacks heart. So, not spending to much time with them is good, yet not spending anytime with them does not show any integrity.

Well... my gym progress is ???????????

I am now in week 12. And the app now recommende hellweek, while I have a tennis ellbow, and shit hurts. 

So, I'll try to pick the exercises that do not focus on my ellbow. I am still a bit disappointed with my results and I can't believe that I do so much wrong apparently ? Or do I just need to persist ? That is what I am asking I see changes, sometimes I have some sweet things like now and check the ingredient list and count the fat and calrories up, yet the exercises take to much time I'd hope I could do them faster, yet it is somehow not possible. 

I asked a friend he recommended working out two times, I mean fine yes when I have a body like him or want to maintain my body otherwise I watched a video from then x explaining that working out everyday is possible when you focus on light exercises and don't go ham 24/7 7 times a week. 

Yet, my timer is over. I will contemplate about this for a bit tomorrow or rather reflect upon choices and thoughts. 

With the caliper measurement method I am at 15% body fat, so that is good. Still, I don't see my abs when I don't look in the mirror and lean back. Yes, that sentence negates the negation. Ok enough.

 

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Before I start anything today I want to report on my sleep schedule. I certainly do wake up on time, yet I go back to bed almost instantly, like I said almost I take 10 min or so and decide to go back to bed for an hour today I had the idea oh, I can set the timer of going backt to sleep 15 mins back so I reduce the friction of wanting to sleep strategically. I will try that, and also set a go to bed timer, I am still not sure how I am supposed to get 7h of sleep, yet all of these small things, like whatsapp, browsing the net, or feeling the need to communicate are horrible. When I don't get enough of it especially the latter, and I waste a lot of time just doing these things even if I find them essentials. I even forgot to take my nootropics this morning and therefore feel not on top, some of them are essential since my diet does not fully allow me to take it for instance there are no fking fruits here I could buy and or eat, so I take vitamin c supplements to have my daily ideal intake I would need to eat around 2 apples at least that is what chronometer showed me I feel way more happy when I take them, and I bought a couple of apples sure, yet it's not like I said I can jump into a store after work and buy a couple of fruits and milk and hop back out for 10 minutes or so for the whole week etc. or some pears etc. 

So, me waking up on time and taking the nootropics is crucial and I don't intend to become a coffee addict. So, that is one point which I definitely do not like 

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Ok, another entry I don't want to comment on some of the things that I perceive, otherwise I would go mad. I dislike people who do not take care of their consciouness in some way, regardless if it is following their passions or interest, most people who do that are more conscioues than others. Some are just maybe genetically fked, I mean how can you be so depressive and consume so much toxic stuff ? I mean it's not like you are trying to quit heroin or cocain, you can stop watching childish TV shows that enforce your notion of your self-perceived hero fantasy. I am not sure such people would fight for the "good" and not even know what it is, and adhere to socities standards making them unavailable for unorthodox request for instance for business to do a quick repair or smth. Or teach someone who to write a specific line of code to solve some problem. I don't get these people besides that they either where bullied at home or at school, yet now things are different and they still do not make any moves. I don't see why for instance I do it and they not. It's not like I have not been bullied or made fun out of in school and have flashbacks or feelings that are just engrooved into my skull, and I can sense when it could happen. Sometimes I even see this as a teacher since they are triggering basically shadow elements, which I can then learn about which I appreicate, yet sometimes this emotional turmoil takes the upperhand and slaps me right into the face. 

So, that is that I will start programming for 2h, and tbh I am a bit tired of not having so much time to finish projects, yet this is also interesting how to deal with limited time since this would be a simulation for living and working a 9 to 5 job as well as going to the gym and programming. I mean..........................................

I did this before with 5k runs, with outdoor training in London and in Beijing, and I was more consistent with it besides in Beijing at one point the pollution just scared me and after I overcame that thought I went outside, yet I had no clue what I am doing besides from one friend who did freeletics the hardcore version of it for 3 months, and I mean hardcore version forcing me to do 100 pushups in a row and then 50 burpess etc. Now I am in a similar situation with my tennisarm I found an easy stretching exercise where I do not need any additionla equipment. 

Now, what does it teach me ?

It teaches me, my habits, my lifestyle, my routine, my schedule, my time managment, my project managment, my charisma, my people skills, my Yellow attitude / structure-stage, my non-existing turqouise contrast so it's difficult to see beyond sometimes when I myself only see things as I have read them etc. What else ? Programming, Reverse Engineering, Reading BluetoothProtocols, data safety and so on, I basically learn how to survive and use my time wisely with what I want to do in my life. 

So, again not having a bed routine is a killer, not having a going to bed habit is a killer, staying up longer on weekends are a killer. The point is why do I do it ? when I justify it I say, hey tomorrow is another day, nothing is perfect, just accept things as they are, don't stress about it , you worked all week have some fun. And then thoughts come like, oh you did not read a lot this week, you could do some programming, etc. Then I notice oh fk, when I wake up at 09:00 am and then eat and meditate it's already around 11:00 am thats 3 hours from lunch for now, instead of waking up at 06:30 and being ready at 8:40 so, I could start at 09:00 am when I can do that I do think and believe that I can finish a lot of projects one after another, yet I often wake up at 09:00 am browser etc and then I start studying at around either 15:00 or 17:00 the latter only when there is a lot of time left for the project and or class. 

So, .... I want to make this a habit I know I like to stay up late and play video games or just to stay up late and watch some youtube videos or read random articles etc. I know that I like the night because I used to go out and party and drink a lot when I was in high school and since you can drink with 16 here in Germany, that was so common I tbh did not know a lot of people who did not do it, or did it in some form. The smart ones had a soccer game or a "handball" game and drank with their team afterwards and studied on friday and sunday or saturday. So, they learned a more structure approach to studying. Well... I stopped sports way to early I knew it was missing, yet this is and was a common theme, being emotionally hijacked so I do not even notice it, being more conscious helps to notice that. I was quite naive when I was younger, I still am. Yet, I also like this quality, okay enough self-anaylsis. 

I did not read a lot when I went to bed yesterday so I can't write something interesting or useful. 

My point is I want to change this habit and become aware why I am doing it and what are the cues etc. When behaviour change often did not work for me and I would have needed some form of accountability. So, getting accountability is harder then I make it ? I definitely can't convince any of my older friends I tried since XXXXX years and they still are doing the same shit mostly. Or even do worse stuff, since they did not listen to me and push through, yet that is their fault. 

Graitude Journal:

I am thankful for taking part in shinzen youngs life pratice programm today
I am thankful for yummy food and that I can even eat and do not need to starve or worry about fundamental survival
I am thankful that I can study today in my favorite room.
I am thankful that I had a lot of fun today at the internship and saw and learned new things
I am thankful that I found people that want to be happy regardless if it is through external means or internal or combined, yet I am thankful for consciously happy people. 

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10 min reflection:

Yesterday was quite good my morning routine worked today, still I wasted a lot of time and I fell alseep very late around 2am approx. Normally I go to bed between 10pm and 11pm. Still I read for quite some time as well as got distracted by the internet. Programming and seeing myself as a programmer is important as well as seeing myself as a reader and as an early riser, it helps to think my into the mind of how such a person would think and act, yet doing this deliberately and consciously is the key thing to do. Otherwise, the body-mind identification is very odd, I am not sure how I could break that Leo said kriya yoga and psychedelics are good, I know Japanese meditators in a monastary squat under a waterfall for hours to meditate. Well..... going to the gym is a joke compared to that ? I tried psychdelics around 20-30 times or so, and I definitely did not went deep enough, I noticed where the main identification of the body took and takes place and I had a kriya experienes a half year later after that insightful trip. So, it was wonderful to break free of what seemed other or alien or me. Now I notice my brain and the same spot mainly feels like it makes me want to identifiy with it, I can't sit very well and I fear the pain unconsciously having a guide sometimes is great. It is like exposure therapy I know I struggle with certain things alone, I can inform myself and conquer it the fear of doing smth. Yet, in the end. Training my body helps me to disidentify with it, since I am using up energy and learn what it means to have a body, eating healthy is a bit more similar yet more with the inner workins of the body. The same goes for the mind when reading and learning new stuff. 

Yet, even when uniting, feeling, insight, thinking and "being", I can not reach yet a metaphysical stage, I am seriously questioning my technique at the moment if I am to invested in something that does not work. Over the weekend I will do different exercises within the UM System and will see if what I am saying has any truth to it here and if I can learn something new. I notice how difficult, yet at the sametime easy it is to build muscles if I do the right exercises, the same goes for meditation most likely. Yet, if I train everything ? I have to take care of everything and everything won't grow as fast a one thing or certain parts. I mean it does work, yet I can't tell where I made the mistake, was it really the amount of fat I was eating ? Or is it normal that it takes time to build muscles in a calorie deficiet ? When I listen to Culadasas book I feel like I am at stage 0 or so feeling tired after 45minutes, yet that could be the strong dulness he speaks about when not training for pure concentration at the beginning. Since, I normally don't get tired, yet sometimes it hits me. It's similar to loosing balance in a state where you are constantly balancing out and insert small amounts of concentration to each moment arising and passing, retroactively or actively. I struggle with rest and gone, from shinzens technique the rest is fine, so a lot of flow and the normal see hear feel thing, yet rest is more difficult to detect for me than gone currently.

 

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I've set a timer for 10 minutes. My laptop is actually defect and not my charger, so I will receive ideally a new one I hope the gurantee covers it the laptops works fine, yet it certainly does not charge correctly every time etc. 

I took precautions already. I pratically forgot what I wanted to contemplate about, so I will write it down.
Retirement
Software engineering
20's
Love, Life, Beauty
Adventure
Youth
Asprations.

Watching the YouTube TechLead gives me a lot to think about he had a lot of success as a normal person and worked really hard for his success. Yet, still his wife leaving him, he being a normal guy in a sense and wanting to enjoy the beauty of life, asking what does it mean, trying to figure himself out, was similar to me how I felt before I found meditation now I know that this depth that he was searching for or trying to find is possible first and foremost, yet also it is a fun adventure as well as has many benefits for mental and health aspects. Now, what inspires me about him is that he found so much joy and comfort in programming and that he enjoys all of these small things that I enjoyed during the times I travelled, besides I add in more sports etc. I assume.

Now is the time where I have the most energy I could workout 7 times a day and sleep on 6h and still function pretty well, although I notice 7-8h of sleep is smarter, the point is I am on a very good way I just need to be consistent and improve things one step at a time or strategically work on multiple things that are small and doable, for instance read a book on the weekend on finance. Or listen to an audiobook and read a book in one week or anything similar. Complaining is pointless, informing myself and weaving together theory and pratice is what I want to learn. I also would love to have a side income, yet at the same time I don't know what to build and I have not yet sufficient skills and my interest range is broad in this area. I miss traveling and even today just not working out to just expend excess energy. 

It is similar to my aspirations when I was very very much .... into learning chinese I studied for 3-4 months on my own with an app and with an online course, I can still understand what some people say yet only out of a very small context, when I took french courses here I actually noticed my chinese is better then my french. Yet, I learned how to allocate my time better, and this is now the benefit I have. I still fall prey to playing video games from time to time, yet it is not something where I would say it's to much.

It's funny how short and long a 10 minute reflection can be and just adds up I used to journal an hour because I started to like writing so much, and self-expression, yet I noticed my vocabulary is quite limited even when I learn new words like amylases and delimeted, I definitely don't want to give up on the perception of wonder, awe and joy and want to see work and the expression of working also as joy. I mean there are humans on this planet which could not even begin working on anything that I do, just because their whole structure of society and the globe does not enable them to pursue or let them even dream of becoming let's say a neuroscientist, or a lawyer or an anstronaut. I imagine some random guy or girl in a poor family in Burma or so not being allowed to do anything of that sorts because of religion, this sometimes makes me angry in the sense of feeling myself being imprionsed by my own experiences of what I call self. Wanting me and them to be free. I would sometimes love to just shed a tear for some of them when I can, since madness seems so normal now in the west. Oh another shooting. Oh another refugee that became deported, Oh a new far right movement. Underestimating all of this will hopefully not fuel the defeat of what conscious human beings are trying to create. Yet, I can't really speak for my generation I don't see them being innovative at least here. Also I don't feel they are properly educated about history in some aspects, and different systems that used to govern the world and how evolution took place on a sociological level as well as "anthropological" it would be so normal to see things relative, and even start to beginng thinking how these systems and or ideas start to come about in the first place. I loved history classes as well as sociology classes, as well as computer science and biology. I liked philosophy also, till every idea I had was refuted by the teacher, so I became more interested in religions and cultures, yet again full circle. Maybe a cyclical reminder or w/e.

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