Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

242 posts in this topic

Not sure what to write about: I usually wrote two post as a new accountability structure using the mobile phone for working out is great as an accountability partner.

I used instagram first as a tool for accountability, nowadays I can depend more on technology than people and their promises and efforts. It's very weird I feel I can especially be deceited by americans I don't know why, but it's something that confuses me but at the same time. They are often just shit talkers. So, that is what people say here with a strong american population for a German city. 

Anyway, I took a picture of my accountability board and I did deep work sessions meaning for me 2 consecutive study sessions in total 2h. As a habit. These sessions work great, it similar to a retreat from the duration a bit longer. But, thanks to meditation I am getting used to this. 

I definitely want to talk to shinzen again and ask him a few things more related to live in general as to practice. I find Shinzen way to inspiring the new video from him is fantastic, his neuroanatomy is on point :D. The laughter in the crowd was just genius. 

Anyway, I am quite tired from studying again the whole day, but I was already so tired for no real reason I had 7h30 of sleep and I meditated today for 1h and 40 min. After the exam I wanted to meditate and to be calm again, to tackle the new study session. I still have some dark thoughts but they are mostly around the type of stuff that I type. It's been worse, my internal chatter has dramatically been reduced. But, I guess american don't really get secular values that much. Same as for Germans with self-expressiveness. Nations etc.

I do feel Green is on the rise by seeing more international students and students of color, it will be a bit more difficult to deny this topic. But, what do I know ? I've read a bunch of stuff and read the biography of mk and malcolm x sometime ago. 

I am though happy that I study, I am not interested to deal with lowbrow, unconsciouness in people just because they are more of them at the bottom. I keep thinking about my GPA it's still in the range of doing a masters at a very good uni, but at the sametime. They just apparently rated this on in the top 10, if someone can explain this to me, this would be great. Some professors are more than excellent, but ... there are just two fking assholes hiding inside their dumb bunker. 

Anyway, I am happy I don't use much social media. I pretty much only use this and youtube and I started using IG this year. Besides that whatsapp and I passed one project which does not give me a grade though and was rather easy, so that is the good thing about today. 

My nootropics have been taken into "custody" I am to tired at the moment to google words and I have to pick them up, at the customs house and pay. I don't think I'll order again out of america and order from the british seller there is one in spain but, they have not the products that I am searching for atm. 

Anything else ?

Yes, I want to do my fking masters and get this other project done, so I can work on things I enjoy more and fking chop wood and carry water, and meditate and study and that is it. I don't care much about anything besides studying, meditation and working out and friendships I don't want to make a list. I definitely have some more time, so I can tackle the project that I finished with speed reading and pick that up again and do a one week speed reading exercises and finally get to my restructuring. Planning weeks and reading the book I bought on productivity will be ideal, also creating a reading plan, both for bed and on sundays. I just hope I passed the dumb exam and can move on I've talked about it with my mom today and in retreospect she said it did not sound all to bad. I said the same in my post, but I can't tell. It can be hit or miss. Fking english 


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I am a bit nervous before the exam I am just cooking tea and I am up since 6. After this exam I will meditate and then workout and go back to my home town, do the laundry anddd tea.

In the inner engeneering course sadghuru said to not drink tea that is made out of tea leaves beacuse it is a stimulant for the nervous system. I definitely drink a lot I already drank 1.5 liter and now another 1.5 liter, more than 10 cups is bad, because of the caffeine amount contained. Or rather the flavonid catechin. 

Otherwise I notice I am so freaking calm, this and binaural beats while studying + meditation is a true wood chooper method to continue chopping / chipping away at a problem etc. 

Now, before I write to much. There are some things that I have to take care of otherwise the internship will not work, besides that everything is set in stone. 

Don't fking tell me why I know all of these idioms although I did not speak english besides 4 words till I was 10 or so and started learning english in the 5 grade. This has been a huge trigger point and partially still is, I see now how different my english is and how my subconscious work, just because I was exposed and exposed myself a lot to the english language. 

Anyway, before I text more. I am done. o.O

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Okay, the exam was fine. I did very well in some sense, that exam was very easy compared to other exams. I took the time to correct my handwritting since it is not very readable. I forgot one thing and potentially have one aspect wrong that I attributed to the thing I forgot.

The examples at the end I hope they are fine. Also the explainations about two things where I only used common sense, because I did not write that down during the last class, But I described what it does partially correct, I did not name one main point that I knew but is asked in the definition of the script. I hope my prudent answer is enough. No sarcasm intended. :ph34r: 

Anyway it's a pass an a good mark I assume at least. 

Otherwise I am happy for now, but I still have the programming project due till next week, I hope I can get it done if yes. I have 8 months of coding ahead of me in one single topic!! And a new found proclivity to working hard after the kriya experience, I don't feel as much pain anymore and my body feels a bit surreal. But that is a different discussion. I hope I passed the other test, so I don't see web-based programming anymore. I dislike it a lot, I don't know why, some aspects are interesting but most of it is. Design and I often don't like to be put into sterotypes not at all. Since,

It's a pop quizz but I like stuff like this. I can't find the test which as scientifically validated and based on color... (Performance and colors)

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Note to me: Don't forget the new coach.I don't think I can find better information abot PD than from him in a very pratical sense. He reads wilber and meditates since he is very young is a coach for decades etc. I think this is true tourquise approach guessing someones spiritual progress is a bit more difficult I hope this well be easier when I can reach no-self. 



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I notice I spend again a lot of time on the forum, I am happy that I can relax and take a day off from studying start tomorrow again strong and help my friend with the company. I can open up the application process for my internship which I will do, the prof already sent me the topic. I can't tell how much I love this guy, I swear to god I am going to cry again out of happiness and thankfulness. 

Next: I gained some shoulders for some weird reason, I thought I'd gain more muscels i eat approx. 20 - 40 g protein after I worked out I sweat a lot during the exercises they are cardio based/strength/explosive based contrast workout the method is called. I look like a gay wuss, but that is okay with me. The more authentic people appreciate it, so they don't look all to ridiculous some just want to work it that's it. 

Also, I sometimes I can't tell if you can trust my vibes or not, and some people are just dumb. Like bro, i am not stealing your headphones because I am working out next to them. 

I will go back by train and pack some stuff with me, and read while I am in the train i can't read wilbers book it's to big and reading some cracky Martin Ball ( Ti User) book with mandelbrot number fractels is a bit to freaky. I'll continue reading the book about the red queen theory. 

I am sort of bored, but I am just happy to write something and sleep in my cushy bed today, instead of some old stinky matress from the dorm. I like the dorm room though, I can work a lot better here. One thing about consertives I like, they are quiet. Thank you for that. 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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I am back home. I visted my friend and he finished the programming part the basics of it in 3h. I still don't quiet figure how he did it he codes since he was in his teens. I was a bit suprised and now I can focus on the project and implement what I understand, he explained a few concepts I hope.

I'll get the project done, otherwise I don't feel like writing much or been on track with accountability, I'll use instagram workout posts again.

And see how well this goes, worked for a pretty long time. 

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I made a plan for today and while I am sittig at a friends house I will code, I am not very productive when I get back home this is horrible. I'll hope I'll get the project finish in time. 

Not sure what to post else. Hot topic seems to be porn or collective consciouness. Leos new video ... gives more clues about the great filter :ph34r:

But, I need 5-MeO enough.

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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I definitely slacked off the last couple of days. This is to be expected, I am still not used to working pain free and it's more behaviour driven and induces less guilt and shame around not understanding or knowing something. 

I am not sure what to reflect about, so I make a small list.

I'll take productivity for now, it's a bit odd that I notice know how important my enviroment is to keep it clean or either to be in a deeper routine where I can focus alone on working etc. When I go back home there are all of these old triggers, I hope so often that it is going to be different and it can be different, the point is I need some time to adjust. I can't expect that things will turn out different so fast, even if I did study at home for some period of time, because I was injured and it worked great. I want to make myself conscious that I can be conscious now while studying and not treat it as a means to an end, as something I have to do, as something I must do, but as something I enjoy CONSCIOUSLY. Not unconciously, long study session feel like meditation and I can implement techniques while reading/coding/breathing etc. I can study CONSCIOUSLY. This is the important for me to realize. I don't like the concept of hard work personally because it as the "social connotation" that it's the hard working lower social classes who value this. I don't like this idea, I don't like this believe. I do like to work. So, I see it more as performance, I'll try the frame of mind of performance solely. Since a circus can be found at an social mileau. Otherwise I will try to change my old room tonight, so I am not forced into unconscious stuff. Also, working up suddenly even 1h earlier when I wake up at 06:00 am normally does not work. 5:45 works. I can try 5:30, but I will go with 5:45 for now. Anything else ? Yes

University. I really can't tell sometimes where I want to go and if I even made the exams. One thing I notice about my productivity even if this sounds a bit arrogant is that, if the subject is not complex even if I like it I become bored and perform worse. If the subject is to complex and I am interested then I will feel lost and I can adjust by working more and asking questions. I can hardly tell if I overestimate or underestimate myself, growing up without a father did not let me test my limits, since as I said before my mother reacts badly when challenged and this is what young kids do. She does not understand, she does not read, she maybe reads some thriller etc. Now, I am stuck in this weird position where I am often left on my own with some room to test if I can do it or not. Without any internal back up. When I sit down and study I understand complex topics, sometimes I question am I smart enough etc. I also don't like how people patronize me sometimes because of skin color in a "compassionate" way, hearing the ton of this voice, sounds like someone is talking to an animal. Seriously, this triggers me and makes me feel guilty without any reason, besides that it's some scapegoating or w/e. 

Meditation: I only meditated for 30 mins the last two days for whatever reason, I am not very motivated when I am back home, it's nice from time to time, but I hate this city. I don't like it, I don't like the region, I don't like their collective unconsciouness, I don't like how they speak, I don't like how they act sometimes. What I like about this area that it is in general quiet and the nature is beautiful. I don't know if I will ever be able to stop talking bad about this region, sure there are some awesome people which make me think the region is great. But, there are only a few. After a meditation session I am reminded why I do it, but 1h sessions feel so, normal now. That I can't tell if anything changes. From watching the last video from Leo while I cooked called "How to be a results maker" or smth similar. He pointed out that patience is key... I keep asking subconsciously where is the outcome. I also want to do retreats again ideally to one in August from Shizen over a weekend to add another 3 days. So, I would have 5 days left this year to meet the minimum. My stretching definitely does not work. I listend to a new audiobook about attraction and I definitely want to change my porn consumption. I don't watch much ? Depending on how busy I am or how much willpower I bring up to focus on different things. I go between 1-2 weeks without mastrubating naturally. Through nofap. Or once a week. (What the book recommends without porn). When I am very ambitious and want to get things done or push my meditation. I go longer ranging mostly from 24-60days. Longest I time I abstained was 90 days. I never went longer I thought it's okay and accept my compassion exercises and get over it. I also meditate afterwards sometimes just to feel how my body feel it feels like my body is taking a toll and produces a lot of heat and small uncomfortable sensations that I would ascribe to exhaustion, yet very sublte. A workout feels similar but more pleasureable afterwards. I also don't feel very conscious afterwards depending on before often yes, but afterwards no. There are some exercises David Deida recommends I tried it not often enough to say that it works. But, that would be conscious masturbation. Potentially I can get to this point. 


Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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I am partially done with the project, having a couple of other projects and not using hitlers script. Works out for now, I found a mistake in my friends code and now I am trying to fix that. The project is due on Wednesday. I hope I'll get it done, the professor said he is going to accept the application and I definitely want to work around this whole victim mentality thing again, and also read the book from breene brown again which is quiet short. I am happy when I am done on wednesday, I also convinced my friend to do some workouts he started but went overboard now he is dead ... Not sure why he goes ham. But, fine. 

I did not watch Leos video entirely. I still have to laugh about the word platypus and also the animal. It's cute and funny. Otherwise using my phsyical journal back home is great. So, I'll rely more on that I did this a lot here and in China + London. I actually have 8 volumes full of this type of greatness. Sarcasm applied. Also a lot of shadow work.  I hope I don't loose gains here, my mom buys a lot of junk food which she never does when alone. I scolded her for doing it. I don't like this, yet I don't know why she still does it. She does not do me a favour and I struggle with not eating it, since I eat for energy ... and I don't really care what it is. I don't like food and can go for long times studying complaining that I have to eat. Eating can be annoying.

I also don't like it when people force their food on me and I am not sure if I want to eat it or not. Instead of just talking about it and offering it they immediately use ego and guilt if I not eat food. The great ego. 

I am happy when wednesday is over. I want to re-apply for shinzen youngs lpp and ask him questions about behaviour change and no-self. 

I meditated on my regular 1h schedule again, although the time was off. I notice my identification with myself moved from the body into the brain, head solely now. The body is not fully seperated anymore, but still evokes emotions. 

Also I looked into some cs topics. I actually did parts of them, I am still not sure if I want to go to a TU or to a uni. I will decided based on courses, interest and if I can do it even. I just don't want to ever see web programming again or internet programming, cloud computing etc. Fine, but not internet programming. AND PHP!!!!!!! 

I want to re-arrange my projects and I am never ever taking again so many projects when I am still struggle with following through. This was just uneccessary, I want to re-read this journal starting on wednesday  ! 

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I could not fix the problem till now, I tired different approaches but I can't implement the behaviour that I want to. I want to take the whole thing apart now and see what I can do tomorrow morning. I will go to bed, I am not very happy to be here and I can see how this effects my mood. I am not the kind of person who easily hides his emotions, I mean I don't let you notice it but I can't really fake my mood. 

I definitely want to go to bed now, I don't know why I started thinking so bad about white color or people in the last two years, because I read into all of the historical and cultural background of slavery and stuff like this. Not sure how it was before, but after almost watching the new video entirely I notice and this is what I complain is not here in Germany, but in France as far as I perceive things. 

There is not collective, of foreigners it's a different with the newer generation, especially thanks to sports. The younger the better in that sense most of the time even a couple of years somehow seem to make a difference. Yet, the culture is not the same and even when I grew up in a german household, meaning at home with my family in Germany. I feel I am often able to read both cultures, including the american culture sure not as deep as an american or potentially full blown German. Yet, it forces me in the position of an individual without a collective. I can act as I am part of the collective which can happen, yet the collective also need to allow that. Some are more individualistic and a lot of bla. 

Yet, it's sort of unfortunate. I just want to travel again and be part of the global tribe. Even if that can also be stage blue. Yet, seeing something else besides this region even if traveling is not the ultimate fulfillment is nice. 

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The timer is again active and the site will close in about two minutes.

I fixed the problem and impelmented one thing the professor was bickering about, reading again about politics and such wants me to read books. I am very desperate at the moment to get to wednesday and then have two weeks off, where I can restructure and plan everything.

I worked out 4 times last week, this is good for not having access to a gym, the food my mom buys is not very good. 

And this region makes me feel depresive the same for the old house and the situation at home with my grandma, makes me feel uncomfrotable to often.

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I definitely noticed I can't programm very well, comparing myself to someone who started at a very young age and generally uses phython it's insane how fast he can come up with solutions, this and my whole self-identified story dragged me down yesterday. I don't know why, yet living here in my hometown is depressing for me. If I go out with a bike etc. I can enjoy living here, but having demands on me and thinking about how I worked here in the past etc. I want to do some exercises that help me to get out of victim mentality, also to focus on positive motivation, instead of avoidance. 

I feel so sleepy like I have not felt in a long time, all I want to do is sleep and I somehow feel depressed. I can't even tell if it is something subtle even like energy in the house or smth. like this. I just don't feel good because I realized that I can't programm very well yet and that my degree did not help me a lot in learning this skill, the script from the professor is the worst kind of shit I've seen in a while and I never had a lecture that was so depressing, all to his benefit. 

He has more time for other things etc. I also don't like this region I can't stand it anymore. This collective thinking here is driving me sucidial, I am not sure why or how this happens. I just don't want to be near these people. Or hear them speak.

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Exams are over for now. I am thinking about doing a weekend retreat testing my limits regarding meditation and after that on monday to restructure my entire approach to learning I will write how I will do it either today or tomorrow. And also look into 5-MeO or 1P-LSD and go for it. 

That is it.

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Finally Leo endorses reading this: 9 levels paper new 1.1'14 97p[1].pdf

I've been skimming and reading this paper since two years from time to time. I want to finally transcend the ego fully. 

Also, Germany is just retarded. They released the new law now yesterday about psychedelics rendering the base components illegal.

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I'll write my entry later than 12:00 to keep my word. On how I will structure the weekend retreat.

Meanwhile I found this

Okay, I am not making an extra post. I checked so far what I wanted to check and came to some conclusions first off I'll write some stuff.

I don't quite get why or how rather how the guy from unspirituality debunks Leo's video about fixing some child in africa. So, I did not watch both of these videos fully, partially obviously. Yet, the things Leo has been talking about recently seems to be he hit permanently stage coral I assume on the spiritual line. Let's say for aspects self. 

The point is I already heard people talking about this even crazier stuff, that I can't recall only in the sense of dimensions. Or Shinzen Youngs Makyio experience, I do think that first of all it's impossible and second of all of it is possible. I did not read much into the psychdelic topics around shamanism and their pratices to compare experiences based on historical "evidence" or report. 

Therefore, I am left with nothing but impressions and notions which annoy me currently. So, I do want to test some of this, since I heard and followed and talked to only ONE, person who says similar stuff. So, I am curious since it is sooooo rare that people conflate, psychedelics, science with science background, and spirituality.

Take Sadghuru he disregards psychdelics most likely, but I highly doubt that he did not experience very rare states or experiences if according to him he planned his own rebirth from what I read here on the forum. 

The point is I had a similar experience which is definitely not that close and I did not use any psychedelics, which I have not done in a year now approx. And the spiritual traditions are to stuck up to talk about such topics, as well as science besides a few psychdelic users. I would love to see Leo talk to a researcher since I currently discredit science a lot, when I take a sample of the level of consciouness of the average master student or even phd, it's part of the problem. Working makes them conscious but rather automatic.

I am still not at a point where I feel super conscious, and as I said I want to do a restructuring and re-planning.  I passed the second hardest test for me this semester with a better grade that I thought, but it's so different this time because I read the calnew port books. As dumb as this might sound but I tested this with LSD, the more I know the more dogmatic I become since I tend to focus on quality ( which is a mistake according to atomic habits) instead of quantity, so I want to hit that one thing across the ball park or whatever now can ring the bell.

Therefore, I am getting the hang of it, but I am missing something which I can find either only through books or through pratice, I can't pinpoint what, besides that frustration and anger are two things which ultimately are obstacles on my path. Yet, I also want to redo the LP course I think, but I am not sure I rather read more more more books. For my retreat I make a small reading segment of 1h for each day, that is enough to get back into some more reading and start on that on monday with my restructuring. 

Not sure what else to write about besides that I want to do more cbt and visualizations as well, as take one or two days to do the readings of various links I found on the net and on the forum. Also to read the textbook since I wrote a lot down during the lpc videos. I know where he has the ideas from, mostly it's not a secret, nothing of this can or cannot be a secret. I mean how dumb am I or you ??? 

People suddenly want to storm area 51, everyone seems to talk about consciouness, the darknet, pedophile epstein, more and more dmt videos that people start to act as if they did DMT and have a report. I mean if there is something that could instantly give you a pass through every releam in the entire universe, without repercussions would you do it ? Or rather continue living in form. I can't keep track of how many coincidences seem to happen anymore, my dreams have been akward when I get around 6-7h of sleep only. I will look into some performance stuff for now, but it's quite interesting which maps depict what. 

Hm... I also start to like the perspective ot atheans but 999999999999999999% of people will dismiss this on the forum, since acquisition of knowledge seems to be only by talk and opinions of others, not through someone who shifted  through thoundsands of books or did 10000h of pratice or SOMEONE WHO TOOK THE EFFORT TO WRITE AN ENTIRE BOOK.

I am quite unsure, what to think of knowledge currently, it seems so pathetic, arrogant, humbeling, fun there is no point adding adjectives because, it is just what it is in this world, with my form, with so many people, with so many emotions, with so much suffering, with so much culture, with so much evolution. But, even when I feel conscious and perceive it. 

It's insane how unconscious humans still are, which gives me a lot of leeway to make excuses and even get away with it. Also others, yet I want to know and I'll ask potentially shinzen or someone I could feel i'd get an answer what collective unconsciouness is in the spiritual domain. Is it just the average of shit cu** thoughts of the particular space time continum. Is this still to you Green/Purple ? NewAge , WuWu stuff ? I don't know many people who walked the entire path and experienced WuWu Stuff from higher authorities. Funny how all of this in the end mixes till ONE kills it.

The point is what Leo is doing is more hyperradical, meditation, science and being a psychonaut, I could not even think of 1000 people doing this so strategically and methodically. I can be wrong also, yet I want to experience some of this stuff again, the kriya experience surely was odd as fk. Weirder then psychdelics for me, since I want absolute lala in a sense but what if some of it is true, there are entire sections of what I did on youtube just because I messed around. 

How deep is everything connected to one thing. If we are all one, are all thoughts and experiences one ? So if Leo taps into collective consciouness healing a black baby in northen europe, is he one with the mother also who feeds and nutures the child with positive intentions ? It's similar to how I flet I proccessed the dream of my friends girlfriend who slept, and I had this two times, also with another girl. 

But, the whole point is I could not verfiy it, the other girl I am not sure I told her about it. My friends girlfriend I don't like her and the experience was devlish. My friend denied all of the experiences I had and said he experienced the complete opposite, but I can't somehow trust him on his word but I also do. The point is he does not meditate and wanted to try it and I wanted to try it with a friend so thats that. 

Anyway here I go with my structure of the retreat attempt 1:

Two days same routine approx: ( Usually I would start fridays, but I goofed off/up its off for me.)

08:00 - 08:30 shower, glass of water, 
08:30 - 09:30 first meditation session 1h (with binaureal beats)
09:30 - 11:00 mandatory stuff + food ( since I goofed up in the ass today - pls ffs tell me more about collective unconsciouness)
11:00 - 14:00 First 3h block of meditation 1h30 back to back. ( I'll try this )
14:00 - 15:00 Ih break walk outside to the park or take the bike.
15:00 - 17:00 Try first non psychdelics 2h sit with minimal movement
17:00 - 17:30 small break re-fresh, water, minima amount of food fruits !
17:30 - 20:30 another 3h block of meditation
20:30 - 21:30 (ideally or 22:00) work out , I am not breaking this habit under no circumstances
21:30 - 22:00 eat
22:00 - 23:00 read 1h wilber
23:00 bed.

Day 2:

06:00 wake up 
06:00 - 06:30 shower, glass of water
06:30 - 08:00 meditate 1h30 (binaureal beats !)
08:00 - 09:00 eat, walk outside and meditate or review shinzen technique notes
09:00 - 12:00 try first 3h sit
12:00 - 13:00 read wilber 1h, eat fruit, drink water
13:00 - 16:00 3h meditation session 1h30 blocks.
16:00 - 16:30 break, eat minimal amount of food, potentially write online
16:30 - 19:30 3h sit 
19:30 - 20:30 workout
20:30 - 21:30 eat
21:30 - 23:00 or 22:30 meditate either to feel postitive techniques or buy the guided meditation that I wanted to do because of this echoing technique !

That would be it for now: I would in total meditate for:
Day 1 - 10h meditation
Day 2 - 11h30

I think this is good and goes beyond 2-4h of a shinzen retreat. zen retreats are usually shorther the largest amount of meditation session revolved around 4 sehssins a day amounting to 6h of practice a day. With kinhin which I do only 30 mins of or so if even or w/e. 

I am not familar yet with breathing exercises so my workouts in combination with meditation are limited by my skill there. It will be constricted to only labeling and I will specifically use this time feel out , see out , and hear in. My imagination will drive my away.

For pratice I will still go with choiceless awarness, I like this because I am chaotic and I like zen. Doing nothing and labeling is the best of both world for me currently, I also had the kriya experience that way. Partially since it just happend. 

Enough for now, I will rely on this post and not my bullet journal for the structure, I will put my laptop away in another room and solely use my phone for meditation music and apps or timer.

After this I have 8 out of 14 minimum days to achieve tangilbe (significant) results and progress in meditation according to shinzen youngs adivce. I want to attend the retreat in august.

On Monday I will restructure I assume it will take more than one day, so I will see. 

Btw, I also received the internship now fully. Let's see how much I can learn from a prof who "lectured" at columbia lol. (P.S he won't teach ass )

I will only watch this for the retreat and I will see which concepts will still arise. 


Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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First day:

I only did 6h of meditation nothing new. I did one three hour block with 20 min break and again 1h30 meditation, one 1h block in the morning and just now a 2h block to be exact a 1h and 53min block.

My brain somehow blocks me from going deep and other factors are my posture or the technique that I am using, I have a lot of sensory clarity, but somehow I feel I lack concentration power and equanimity. But sensory clarity is very very high. If I could know every area in my body, I could describe it as well as I can besides when flow kicks in. 

Not sure if i will do another 1h, I will do my small workout it rained and I don't know if it will rain again. I don't have a gym sub here. 

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I only meditated for 1h. I will watch the new episode today and do another retreat day where I will meditate longer. I am still strugeling with structure development regardless of internal or external. Shinzen also gave me this advice the first time I talked to him. I will definitely buy the retreat from 9-11 of August. 

The more Leo talks, the more my observations are becoming a reality because his talk is ingrained in knowledge while I am left with notions and impressions which I reflect and can't talk to another besides a few people about. I feel I can open and change boundaries and this is also a reason why I dislike programmers and rather become an engineer. 

I don't like the level of consciouness the people around me currently are at. I saw some Hitler speaches already, they are absolutely mind-blowing, tbh I feel even motviated to kill jews as a black person. But, I definitely want to use my physical journal to start planning the restructuring also one friend of mine has his birthday on friday or so, and one of his friends which is an INTP. Is also coming I love this guy since we can actually talk and he has his masters. He enjoys business a lot. 

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I definitely reflected upon my habits the last couple of days and in general thought about what I want out of live and the adivce from the couple of books I've read mostly focusing on mastery also some good youtube videos from TechLead talking about how code and programming works and people like him and shinzen help me to remember that I actually have to work and it's not that complicate, it takes time, but it is also complicated sometimes. Not everytime. But sometimes.

About my persona: I definitely feel that I am moving forward regardless if I am slacking off or not, the point is I know I can do more, but I NOW also know that I can't force 10 things at one time I tried to often with SUPPORT. It works, but without it it is difficult, especially when I have no ONE around me to share my life goals with and improve each other. I tried befriending people from my Uni it's more platonic no real or deep friendships were able to be established. Now, what bothers my about my persona what did I learn the past 6 months ? What did I try to improve ? What did I want to achieve ? How did I plan to grow as a person ? How close was I able to fullfil my vision ? What did I learn about my vision ? 

Let's start there: I still feel that on the emotional line I am very green, cognitive I've hit the psychic stage what I now call "coral" since knowing and understanding something about this stage does not make any sense. I am permanently at more yellow meaning I access 33% turquoise what I know, but I did not meet a person in real life who is turquoise in everyday life, also my enviroment does not allow me to care about the enviroment properly. It's not pratical and not systemically built, therefore in some small ways I let the enviroment suffer, like not seperating the trash because I don't have a proper place for a large bin. I still don't quite understand turquoise  after the last video from Leo. I definitely know that turquoise targets to solve macro problems on the globe, IIRC with macro solutions. Yet, I am not there yet  I can't yet pratically choose a major that allows my to do this even if I HAVE THE INTENTION. I can go into the fitness and medical field partially, what I thought about doing yes possibly and pratically learning about computer vision and health programming with mobile phones etc. What I'll be partially doing for my bachelors. But I would miss the topic that inspires me the most which would be A.I, I like robotics but I am still a bit uncomfortable with hardware. This stuff triggers me a lot, even if I like it partially. Well, about my persona.

I definitely gained even if I slack off currently, more trajction on what it is like to be a knowledge worker and working in a field which demands a lot of your time sitting infront of the computer solving problems and analzying a lot. I do like this especially the analyzing part, since it is similar to observation. I defintitely learned to "run" a script or be more automatic and wake up, meditate, work out, study. Seriously like clockwork, for longer than a month. What I also learned is that tracking my habits is fantastic, I can definitely create habits I struggled a lot using a journal to keep myself accountable all I needed was a calender like structure where I cross of my goals and write about the process. Definitely STILL journaling helps with emotional qualms. 

I planned to grow as a person mostly on performance and execution, also tracking my behaviour more than ever before, without only using a journal, thinking only about my persona and my biographical self. This is a very good option to change behaviour, also visualization helps my unconscious mind to run a script automatically, like now and I can force INTUITION to run into the direction of my VISION. So, keeping the visualization habit is key. One thing that I will do is either CBT or testing the sedona method. I will try the sedona method or I will go with the six pillars of self-esteem I listened to the audiobook and want to do this stuff for 30 weeks. I forgot my theme for the year because I wrote it down in my bullet journal and tried to give each week a theme to run by and month. But I stopped it was not very good imo. A theme for a year is fine so I am heading into a destination that gives me overall meaning and purpose. 

How did I grow ? Even if not properly integrated yet, I can work for a couple of weeks long hours and actually track them and see how I perform instead of relying on my intention and will power and outside pressures alone. I drink my tea and start coding and learning for 3h take a break and enjoy the small things in life, which reap the benefits over the long run, while shooting for the big picture. So, yes creating a big knowledge based map and working on each area suffices to color the grid the way I want it to, The point is what did I break down, so I am working on something small ? What do I always break down ? 

Time definitely, since I am planning people wonder how I can be so structured and that I know the date and detail of every event and occasion. The point is I write the down months ahead. So, they just stick with me, if it gets hectic I'll write it down on my calender in my room to do some old school systematizing. 

What else did I learn this semester ? Definitely LEARN THE FKING LAW, even when I attend the information events TWO OR THREE TIMES I missed somethings because humans are NOT PERFECT and the illusion of it IS FINE, yet I am not sure how to deal with this modern idea currently. I saw it today, the good looking guy with his gf wearing these weird hats, being the nice modern couple who get's invited to gril parties. I don't hate I enjoy this thoroughly maybe more than others, who keep already thinking about this point of money and time. But, I still feel deep down that I want to do something which I regard as artistic or creative, I was in music school when I was already two years old and my parents cared yes, but I was so frustrated not making much progress in all of these courses for 4 years, that I quit when I played the guitar I hated the guitar, especially acoustic guitar and the teacher, but nobody cared about my emotional qualms in a way to give perspective it all seems logical to solve some hitlery problem apparently, and for sure I don't see many people being able to seek first to understand than to be understood, wtf do I know at this age what my parents do to me. All I knew was I was frustrated as fk after an awesome drumming course and the teacher leaves me alone and laughs and stuff like this pissed me off. I liked playing the Kantele because it was more class and I learned tones and stuff like this. I always preferred theory above pratical application, but now things have changed. Back to this semester I definitely took to many projects and I want to keep my maximum regardless now if big or small projects that are related to work to one or two, and also to start working on a solution on them immediately, the day that I start it and not to understand the code, WRITE THE GODAM CODE, understanding is a waste apparently here, it's application, analyzing planning, and a half ass understanding can even work, since I have to test some of this stuff first. It's not like I am prooving some mathematical concept where I have to understand each step, come to a conclusion and test my "hypothesis" it's similar ? But, more grindy, I sit down and google and download similar projects, hoard ressources and learn patterns etc. I want to see for now, I will take on the two projects I have and learn some design patterns on the side. What I want to do for now is work monday to saturday and take sunday off. I want to read on sunday and watch some youtube videos, contemplate outside or walk outside and ideally even sit for 4h. I want to monk engineer lifestyle where I am monking around in my fking house and study and contemplate, to be a scholar. What I felt I was like when I followed the "intellectual" path which is even a targeted area in marketing and a social mileau. So, don't take on more than two projects, start working towards a solution immediately, hoard all ressources, take one day off a week, don't waste the professors time when he does not seem to be of help, I am still on this autonemous path, not being able to be fully self-sufficient ? My cooking habits are quite good, my eating habits are quite okay, I have to look into some of this stuff. Most important lesson, time blocks are awesome and create the neccessary time to make progress. Deep work is deep, shallow work is shallow. Working 30 - 1h only on code is not neccesarily worth it. I've heard this advice now to often from real coders that I know this is of utmost importance to sit for a minimum of two hours. I notice this myself. 3h are ideal since I mostly need than a break besides I train my duration training with meditation since the two skills are conflateable. (fusible)

My persona what do I want to work on there ? I want to focus on vulnerabillity and the masculine and feminine I don't think I will date for my bachelor and I thought first about doing stuff in that region during my masters. I listend to the audiobook attraction now and read the book of pook, enlightend sex by david deida, the way of superior men from david deida, the three stages of a relationship by david deida and that is about it. I notice the following, attraction is important, grooming and taking care of my physical appearance is a thing I can negelct when I work very a long time, obviously basic hygiene is there, yet I could buy some new cloths and throw away some of the old, I'll do this during the winter months and sort out all of my stuff and buy some new stuff, which fits my persoanility and my identity since that stuff all still exists and will exists. I am definitely sometimes unconscious, so in what way am I a devil ? Or unconscious ? I am still hubristic partially I don't know why I did shadow work around this stuff and it feels more integrated, maybe it's my biology telling me something ? I want to work on my body more this 6 month I slacked of since I am back in my hometown. So, I will read mostly on training the body and how I can maintain health, but nothing about diet and I will also not implement anything regarding diet, since I do eat quite clean I just don't have the means to eat perfectly yet, and I do enjoy the occasional cola or meat here and there. I rarely eat meat alone, I don't even buy it. I buy tofu since I don't like to preprare meat and never done it. So, reading about health is good, still I want to narrow down my area of focus in my free time and during the week, so I stay on my vision. 

Work on health 5 times a week workout stick with it, devise a plan definitely when back in the city where I study, work on a maximum number of two projects, which will be one class I still have to do, because I did not read the freaking exam policy, the project during my internship and my bachelors, then if I finished one of them or if things are working out, study design patterns. Even my sunday is working out very well, of what I plan to implement then do it sundays, But for now stick with stage one. 

Review health on sundays, read about articels dedicate time to it, 2h for instance reading articles online and writing stuff down definitely will help. Instead of sproadiacally doing smth. Also I want to do some contemplation, I like walking and listening to audiobooks, I found some place where i can wander to, so I will do this. Hiking seemed to be replaced now by bike riding. Which cycle of trends is currently there ? Area 51, bike rides, a.i, eric epstein, 2020 elections, trump, secretly sadghuru smacking consciouness around the globe. 

Especially work on sleeping habits, and potentially find a product which tracks it like the ring from the youtuber. Look into health products and gadgets also. 


I am working towards it with me degree, my hobbies are not yet perfectly installed of what I like to do with my free time and what I like to learn with my free time, since I quit video games mostly I back slide the last couple of days and played a lot I did not play for 4 months entirely, I reduced it also to 90%, so I rarely played when I did not "quit". I am not entirely sure if I quit it there is even no need when I do it reasonably. Which I am doing, when I am not at home, at home I am like a kid again, back at my crib, it work on my vision and feel very masculine here it's like I don't own shit, so I am just some extraordinary guest. I definitely want to take my time and check out some uni's I found one thing but this is definitely to tough and also look into their curriculum and what they offer in depth. I also want math back and study it I started to like it a lot more, since I've done CBT around this stuff and my meditation skills increased my attention and durabillity while studying. Currenlty I found one university in Berlin which connects potentially my bachelors thesis but I did not fully choose a topic I want to talk with the professor again and potentially talk to one other professor who works with android studio, but I am not sure what he does there, he works more with games and graphics while the other works with hardware and services ? I am not a fan of becoming a video game programmer I heard they work long hours and I feel most video games that I currently play or way to unconscious so I am done with that idea. I definitely want to choose something a.i realted, the uni in berlin would be health and computer vision oriented, the uni in birkenfeld would be very very robotic intensive and I was not able to learn c++, I bought a book, android studio uses it. Yet, I take my chances with Java currently and design patterns as project. I've did some exercises and I have the gnu compiler installed and stuff like this. I also learned some c some time ago and some pythong and some visual basic and some php and some html, but never something in depth such as Java so I am sticking with that. C was fun C++ also, python was cool, PHP is hell, html is boring, and c# is just c# w/e. 

So, the languages tha I planned learning where c++, java and python. Yet, the focus here is searching out a degree which will let me learn something in that direction, especially a.i and see if you can apply. 

What did I notice is key to imeplement my vision ? Studying code and writing code, planning my day and weeks, doing sports and keeping myself healthy and active, visualization, finding inspiring people in the field currently I just like TeachLead and Joma as well as shinzen even if he has a math background it's somehow inspiring. 

What is the principle behind this ? Work ethic and being a visionary, being a visionary is quite new for me the word alone raises my hype for this concept. Since it involves inspiring others even if it is myself, through my actions, this inspiring thing became such a common theme, because of our milleneal gen y generation being so me me me focused that no meaning derived big picture gives any sense besides the good modern life or hey TRAVEL! Look at my life ! Oh it's so great, this is what I mean with hubristic and sarcastic. I can do this very toxically but it somehow transformed more healthily since I did shadow work so I can laugh healthily about it and don't do it out of envy, hatred, or pure toxicitiy, but more out of inevitability of letting of some steam and rant about culture, modernism, materialism etc. Since, it's not very inspirational, it's just comparative and evokes the notion of perfection and being better than others etc. Instead of telling a story of how one conquered his fears or brought up the courage to become rich, it's status and money games. Is it ?

I want to refine my studying skills and re-read my notes or the two books from calnew port devise a reading plan for audiobooks and normal books and follow through on that and keep track, do one week of speed reading to get back into the techniques and habits again, and even ideally start learning some of the languages I liked and wanted to speak, since this has been inspiring, but I am not sure if I am chasing old dreams, that is the whole point of the paradox of my vision, since it includes old dreams, it also includes old struggles and past pains. Especially from childhood, I mean my teenage frustration is fine to deal with, but this victim mentallity around sports, hobbies etc. Is not very prolific. 

CBT helped, Shadow work helped, a gratitude journal helped, as well as meditation. But I still struggle with this notion since I enjoy music a lot I feel very attuned to it and enjoy talking to people who play instruments or who are artistically or take just the big 5 on creativity not intellectual openess and I enjoy talking to you a lot. But I notice limits even from people who played and stopped in childhood / teens, but I click with them a lot through music, my older friends never really enjoyed music, they listen to this type of crap that I hear at the gym, when Mr Big Gainz turns on 2pac, eminem and drank 3 coffee before and smoked 3 cigarettes, then some electronic music and we good. I bet they don't even think slightly about which instrument is being played, but at one point this stuff just becomes technical and I feel bad, because I was not able to pursue this inclination of mine. Learning an instrument now, I am not sure if I will waste my time, it's currently not included in my vision. Languages yes, but no musical instrument.

What is neccessary to implement to execture my ultimate vision. Keep a reading plan and stick to it, videos are useful, books keep my motivated for a longer time, because I just remember the content for a longer time and I just randomly speak about them if I want to or not, I can become very intensive suddenly and energetic when I am passionate. Coding and keeping up with YouTubers who speak about code, besides Grindeel this guy rants 24/7 about HR, this is horrible. TechLead is just a legit G, you don't fk with the TeachLead. Creating a video series on YouTube from the coach above or listening to them is also a good idea, I turn on YouTube already in the morning and listen to informational content that is inspiring either or gives information that I can remember. Audiobooks my list currently does not include anything I would listen to quickly in the morning.

Write this list down after this, I thought about a theme in 2020 and it will definitely for now be money and success, I keep working away at spirituality anyway it's to important for me currently. Health and fitness is key this year, and discipline and mastery, which will will be always ready for a challenge. 

5 Books 
Reading list: 
1 Religion of tomorrow - Ken Wilber
2. Martin Ball - Enthogens
3. The assertivness workbook I bought
4. 48 laws of power by robert green
5. The red queen ( I postponed this book so often)

5 Audiobooks:
1. Principles
2. Deep Work
3. So good they can't ignore you
4. Attraction/Models
5. Atomic habits

I will stick to this and re-listen them over this year mostly I will throw in a random audiobook here and there but I will focus on them, I mostly listen when I cook or do the laundry, or just feel that I want to wander outside. 

What I also noticed is that I don't like reading exhausting stuff when I go to bed, reading a novel is very good I also want to keep in mind what I want to visualize about, so I will do a visualization process orientation, the greatest name given this century. 

Book: I want to read when I go to bed and I have my sleeping habtis straight is things fall apart by Chinua Achebe.

What else is necessary ? I don't like to say this but social interaction this comes in to shortly often, when I lock myself into my room and just study and work out and cook and do the laundry and cook etc. Some of it happens spontaneously, gym, uni, etc. But since I kicked out my old best friends because I was tired of stupid drama, and ethnocentric hidden maps that clearly need shadow work because of identity as italien or vietnamese, it's not okay at one point. I surely went to far, often enough, but I was tired of them since 3 years I talked about this with friends I enjoy more and the more I read the more I know this was natural and the right decision. I feel I let other people down that I don't even know because I did not fully become so selfless to sacrifice myself for the vision and ideas of others and to inspire them through my actions, my state of consciouness and my person, maybe not my style of clothes, but my presence and my drive towards executing stuff. I feel I lack this because I lack the results, the best thing I can start with is my body and health. I am was never interested to be some small civil citizin, I don't get how they can't see that they are in this trap. But I am also a bit in the wage slave gap, even if I get the DIVIDENS OF ONE GAZILLION MARKETS, for what good? I enjoyed tracking this stuff, and we had some projects in my advance courses in high school in english around this subject, but I actually noticed that for this region the schools I went to where pretty good, that's that. I just didn't do much. So, I am a bit unsure what to think about this, I will target this next year and ideally talk to my professor who gives lectures about cryptocurrencies. He definitely has an entrepreneurial spirit. Besides that meditation is necssary, without it I am done. Period, I can't deny  that this is of utmost importance if I notice the benefits or not, when shit hits the fan, meditation is the skill I rely on. 

I want to re-visit the goal section of the lp course since I am still confused with that I can devise a plan to tackle my vision, but I struggle with goals, I can track them, I can implement habits, I can get rid of old habits, but I am not very good at reaching objectives or milestones, so I want to keep the deep work principle and set deadlines that are arbitary and work towards them. I don't particulary like this but it helps ! So I WILL DO IT !

How will my visualization process look like ? FK CBT for now, I've done a lot there, reading now is more important, I already asked emily from shinzen young to talk to him again and I will ask him about habits around studying and behaviour change, how I can apply more mindfulness there and see what he can add or not add there to the process as a meditation teacher, PhD or avid reader. I want the skill of life long learning being set in stone in my daily structure. Now, my visualization even if 5 minutes, when I do daily 10 minutes the technique from Leos course, I want to imagine how my life will unfold and my daily routine, what do I struggle with when I do some visualiztation pratice, definitely concentration, so for now, just focus on how you life style will unfold when you focus on your vision and execute it how you feel and what you will do and comeback to this process.

Conlusion: Do an extensive research about which unis I could apply check even the most remote places potentially even in another country but financially this will be difficult, and I don't speak a third language so, I rather do a semester abroad I could have done this in the second semester but the institution which lends the money did not lend enough and I could not visit my dad in the u.s, I went to London instead and wanted to do both, but yeah it's okay. I don't relish in my accomplishment happily and I don't have a lot of friends currently who can share my journey or my success I miss this a lot, I don't understand I enjoy somehow currently more platonic non-friendships friendships, I meet someone I know and we have a good talk, maybe we meet at an event and we talk about our interests and then say bye and meet sometime again. Travelling definitely showed me I can "technically" befriend anyone I just have to talk to them, but deep friendships and this stuff somehow got lost. Family and career some more important objectives now, I don't mean hanging out with the homes, but I mean having lasting strong friendships who share similar interests are difficult to find. I don't have friends who like psychdelics, programming, "reading", and sports. Maybe sports, maybe programming. But not the other two besides two friends who fit reading and programming or reading. Or my best friend with sports and knowledge and knowing things, we can just talk and I can also talk with his girlfriend for hours, and we have a good time and also three, I don't know I really like to perform I don't know why, maybe it's the hidden sub-nationalities in me. 

Do the visualization, follow through on the reading plan starting today with principles as audiobook, schedule your reading on sundays. Follow through on coding plan bachelors and internship, find the ideal university ! 

Daily structure:

This is a lot about nothing I just thought, yet I can't contain these thoughts if I don't write something down immediately, there is a lot of stuff I noticed again that I did not write down, because I don't have a journal habit, besides this journal weekly, which is okay, daily is sometimes to much like actuall self-analysis which can be quite gruesome, but for now. 

What is of utmost importance ? 
Sleep without a doubt 7h10 is okay, I want to ask shinzen how I can reduce sleep. Since my body is odd, I slept the last couple of days 9 - 10 h but I can train rest, sadghuru only sleep 3-4h, many monks also(?), so I want to ask him. 

Time blocks and aribitary deadlines, audiobooks from calnew port !!!!!! 

Finding a way to follow through more consinstenly besides keeping track, and visualization, potentially key books will do the trick. 

Having a go to bed routine since I won't do CBT, I can read novels and nuture my creativity and inspiration that way I freaking love utopian and dysotopian books. So, let's get back on track with this stuff. (I AM NOT A BOOKWORM YET) 

What distractionsa are currently obstacles ?

Random slumps, sometimes it's just to much to work like a robot monday through saturday, so taking an hour or two off is smart, or filling them with gym time to feel at one point okay, enough time spent on my body I want to go back to the pc. Notice this, dopamine drive. Otherwise, now that there is less stress there are not any obstacles besdies that I am here back home currently, I have to see. Cleaning my room once a week is good and doing the dishes, before I cook. Is good.
Not being orderly enough I want to work on this somehow, cleaning and making my bed is good, grooming myself I can work a bit more on that I don't run around like a bum, NOT AT ALL (Apply your hiterly) and I will say it like this my ego is my biggest obstacle, my identification with my brain and my biographical stroy, I can re-frame as much as I want and I will turn out nice, but it's like Eckhart Tolle says, you now have very beautiful furniture but, the root problem has not been adressed. For that I want to do shadow work but for now stretching, I will make a stretching habit now in the morning instead of saying I willl do it I will make it a habit 20 minutes of prepatory stretches for a lotus position. This journal could be a distraction it helps, emotionally, but I am unsure and I keep thinking about it a lot when I am not on here because people actually read this and I am like, ehhh okay, and then I am like omg this is gamification at work, give me some eudaimonia there are not likes no hedonism !! 

So... not sure what to think about this. I definitely noticed my craving for recognition more in the last couple of weeks or since I am deprived from friendships, since this is a normal give and take. How to win friends and influence people was good here to keep this in check. But, I am missing people with a common vision or goal and there are no fking language classes anymore, my french is on a A2 level which is bad my chinese is even A2 I would call it that, but besides some random sentences. Even the friend with a higher IQ than mine like ... obviously was suprised that I had such a knack for languages sure there are people who are better, it's just that my anlyzation and my listening skills help me a lot. I even got good at grammar partially, but setting commas and stuff like this or using the - , is just something I never learned and my parents never stressed. 

I definitely want to learn how to be a winner, as weird as this sounds and do more shadow work around introjection these internalized voices from random people even on the net is pure hiterly. I am not sure if this is good, but this is the whole point about introjection. The point is it's not about winning but I want to enjoy succcess and achievment that is something I often downplayed, maybe this is the introjection cause of why I keep internalizing the voices of achievers.

Now, ideal daily structure:

Random test day:
05:30 (yes) wake up
05:30 - 06:00 shower, glass of water , nootropics. 
06:00 - 07:00 meditation 
07:00 - 07:20 stretching
07:20 - 07:50 eat and watch a youtube video + read an article from washington post theme tech ( I am not focusing on mindful eating now I've done it enough times, I am okay, but meditation for now with stronger sits is more important and this morning routine is still not easy for me okay)
08:00 arrive at internship or work outside ( I should get a key now for the "lab")

(cook tee, either green tee or start the day without a stimulant sadghuru says no to stimulants)

08:00 - 11:00 first 3h block of work in the internship with 10 min break

11:00 - 13:00 2h block of work with 10 min break. 

13:00 eat outside in the mensa, eat what fills your stomach this shit won't make you healthy, DON'T EAT FATTY STUFF ON DAYS WHERE I WILL WORKOUT THIS IS HORRIBLE

14:00 be back, if they have smth like this or bring your own, water cooker yes. 

14:00 - 17:00 3h block of work with 10 min break. I am sure by then I will be off tbh I don't think I have legit times.

17:00 - 18:30 workout 

18:30 - 19:15 shower, bio-break, eat some food, nuts, fruits, proteine, make some tea, 

19:15 - 21:15 study for the second project in advance !!! 10 FKING WEEKS IN ADVANCE 

21:15 start wind down ritual, turn off pc, or write a post here max 15min, turn phone to flight mode, turn the laptop off

21:15 windown ritual, read in bed, (pray that the neighours are quiet and if not apply meditation techniques) also read about stuff that helps you fall asleep, I have some tea, but I don't study well when I drink it before I become quite tranquil but it's still okay, maybe with binaureal beats, I will test this and look for some tips. 

22:00 sleep

This is a hard day !! Schedule them 4 times a week sunday off and two days soft days don't necessarily schedule them back to back, but if you don't care and the impact is very low, schedule them back to back or don't fk around with soft days. 

Structure Free time: (Structure weekend (sunday)) 

05:30 wake up routine
06:00-07:00 meditation 
07:00 - 07:20 stretching ( You know the exercises by now do them !)
07:20 - 08:00 breakfast + youtube + reading (install a youtube series from a coach for example - watch them in the morning integrate structures, create a network)
08:00 - 11:00 - find a place to read, if not even go the the lab if not read at home PUT AWAY THE LAPTOP ! Use a phone as a timer ( read 3h) I can read for 1h, I can study for 3h, I can learn "how to code" in 3h, so I can also read for 3h!
11:00 - 13:00  already cook some food, do the laundry, clean you room for instance for monday or after workout etc. or do all of it.
13:00 -13:30 eat. 
13:30 - 16:30 coding (Java Book about design patterns I bought last year)
16:30 - 18:30 workout time 
18:30 - 19:15: eat, shower, prepare sports bag again ... no wonder my habit here stinks
19:15 - 21:15 - go outside for a walk with audibook, already just go to bed if you are that tired from the week, read about health and nutrition, mostly about health though, for e.g sleep still, performance boasters, workouts and various workout methods, review your notes from the week, order notes, write in journal, or even just browser the web, all of these are options nothing is mandatory here. 
21:15 - 22:00 bed routine - reading, visualization is key here. 

This is the point where I ask myself what hobbies do I have ? I started and stopped so many things, working out, judo for 3 months, random keyboard and music learning, languages, reading, programming, music production when I was younger, but I never tried it seriously, I don't like working with photoshop I can do the mandatory stuff, I don't like designing apps and screens or websites, soccer, basketball and even swimming when I was very very young. 

What do I like as a hobby of what I can currently do ?

Learning a language again french for e.g
Coding (which could be to much since I do not fully love it yet it's quite frustrating and that is normal apparently)
Music definitely holy fk
In general knowledge acqusition, so life long learning 
Meditation oh yes
Working out
Wandering ? With audibooks ?
But, even if this is mad I will take coding.

Structure weekend (saturday)
05:30 wake up routine
06:00-07:00 meditation 
07:00 - 07:20 stretching ( You know the exercises by now do them !)
07:20 - 08:00 breakfast + youtube + reading (install a youtube series from a coach for example - watch them in the morning integrate structures, create a network)
08:00 - 11:00 - look if the uni is open and study there already or take the key and study in the lab ( internship project) - if not study at home...
11:00 - 13:00  already cook some food, do the laundry, clean you room or workout all of it !
13:00 -13:30  EAT (post workout)
13:30 - 16:30 work on project again either at lab or at home, think about the tea !
16:30 - 17:30 break
END THE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

17:30 - 20:30 relax, reflect on the week write in your journal, contact a friend, call a friend, call my mom, walk outside, with audibook, schedule your upcoming week, potentially order some stuff. inform yourself about bachelor projects and read the script the prof compiled about these topics and ask him ideally, read also about the field, all of this is optional

20:30 - 21:15 - browse web, do what ever you want. 
21:15 - 22: 00 bed routine.

Normal day:
05:30 wake up routine
06:00-07:00 meditation 
07:00 - 07:20 stretching ( You know the exercises by now do them !)
07:20 - 08:00 breakfast + youtube + reading (install a youtube series from a coach for example - watch them in the morning integrate structures, create a network)
08:00 - 11:00 - internship 3h study session
11:00 - 13:00  - internship 2h study session ( eat some fruit here and then if you take some with you ) 
13:00 -14:00 eat mensa
14:00 - 17:00 3h block study internship
17:00 - 18:30 workout
18:30 - 19:15: eat, shower, prepare sports bag again 
19:15 - 21:15 ???? 
21:15 - 22:00 bed routine - reading, visualization is key here. 


Is this a daily structure that I really want ?
Is this doable ?
What is missing ? 
Will this help my accomplish my vision ?
What to do on days without a workout ?
How will I plan ? weekly, monthly ? 
Anything else that needs to be adressed ? 
What about the books do I plan the schedule ?
Is nothing here specific ? 
What are relaxing activities for me ?

Now, the point is here that I am not sure anymore what do with my free time since I cry about the things that I can't do currently and wanted to always do like martial arts, the gym is fine etc. but this is the point where I'll receive some social interactions and do something that I love or deem as fun at the sametime. 

Yes, it is the structure that I want I want to implement language learning and challenges more, this is also another topic I want to adress. 

Is this structure fun ? Yes, it is fun I enjoy learning I start to learn to enjoy programming more and more instead of it being an inclination.

The books I will implement a weekly what book I will focus on and will write about this stuff for e.g here on my free time when I want to reflect. 

I will plan weekly, and schedule monthly events.

Yes, this is doable, I did this last month starting somewhere around mai or early june with this and it worked after 4 or 5 weeks it became a bit tedious though. 

Relaxing activities although it can be relaxing meditation, not everytime but more than often, listening to audiobooks and sleeping are most likely the most relaxing acitvities I can think off, or journaling.... I am some stuck here. 

Yes shadow work wants to be adressed but that can wait for now, first this structure will work out

Things that I am confused about or regard as toxic that want to be changed in the near future.
Random binge porn session. Are just not good
Personal things, complaining internally still a lot, feeling more and more the pressure of class thinking and becoming conscious of it.
Relationships, I am quite confused here I've read some advice I can't tell if I am toxic or the other people are toxic but I know this most likely stems from interests and habits, so I am doing fine, it's just this region is partially retarded. 
Living in this region is toxic.
Assertivness and vulnerability this fks me up sometimes. 
That is about it. There are some minor things where I am unsure about, but in the end I am the one responsible.
DELETE INSTAGRAM AGAIN!!!!! THIS IS NOT USEFUL AND DRAGS DOWN MY HAPPINESS THERE ARE ENOUGH STUDIES THAT SHOW THIS AND NOBODY FKING CARES ABOUT ME ON THIS PLATFORM (CALNEWPORT ADVICE ), so delete it. It was fun I used it as a tool I can be aware of trends in culture and read some fun truths, but it's not important and it's not urgent, so this tool does not fit in any quadrant. Since, it does not fullfill it's function for me it's not important. Like my journal here. Which is not urgent...

This is what I am thinking about mostly which is either neutral or negative, and what I want to restructure, the positive things like shinzen youngs lpp, scheduled retreats ( which I want to do and did in the past !!!) work outs, positive moods through working and caring about my health, working towards my vision are all great. 

This is what I want to implement. Especially important is to focus my attention towards executing and solving not understanding is or Leo is doing this, yet he mostly talks about understanding now, which I enjoy to much even if it is some youtube video or some dumb journal where I reflect and gain some clarity. So, be wary of that. If not take some time off from this whole thing

Another post will follow.


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Why did my weekend retreat not work out fully?

TBH I don't know besides that I did not stick to my schedule and that I am sorta frustrated with meditation right now, I am not sure if this is a very very very subtle hint of my boredom, 1h sits are fine when I do them. Which is unfortunate that I write this. Yet, I internalized this ideal about posture since I did the meditation retreat for 14 days and took LSD directly afterwards that I somehow feel odd, around this. I recently learned something about myslef where I notice that my mother has no idea about anything in this world, besides eating and dying like a mule. It hurts to say this and ultimately makes me sad I feel like crying. I never cried so often this year and since the kriya experience, all of my thoughts and beliefs are invented, totally absolutely inventend, none of it is ever so slightly true, breaking it down to peptides "apparently what thought produces" is absolutely bear poo.

So, I lived with an notion of myself that was totally false and bothered me since I can remember that I exist. They never gave me a proper explanation for this in a scientific manner and rather somehow avoided the topic or adressed the social issues. But, this just shows my uncaring nature of my mother and classically for me the logic category of people. I've never seen something so selfish, it makes my selfishness look like a piece of cake even when I am a total asshole. I don't get it how something like this can not be seen as important from the other side. But, I took it a face value I did not even flinch since all of this methaphyiscal, onotolgical, epistemical stuff does not make sense for me it does, it does not, some paradox, I certainly did not study philosophy I bought one book from Leos list and I did not like it. I don't know it felt like reading a sophiticated version of my journal or a very good journal entry of mine if that happens. Obviously, there are other philosophers that I enjoy like Marcus Aurel but I don't have a valid opinion on this since I do not read that much and know them only by talk from Leo, JP, the other philo guy, and German culture. I still don't like the idea of reading from some of them because it's the madness that drives me into nihilism, reading this shit in German I really would need some advice, the book I bought was horrible to read, I bought the cheaper version and it felt like it was compiled and texted as I am doing with this journal. 

The whole point is I don't fully understand the theory behind it, reading wilber is inspiring I am not even sure if I need the details besides the details about the maps and concepts and the occasional talk with a master, retreats + psychdelics. Yet, I am just frustrated with meditation, like with programming, I like it but I don't see any progress currently and notice more and more mistakes. 

I am not sure if my strategy is well choosen I am not sure where I am heading with my technique although I know the effects of each specific label and structure. Sometime beyond the label and the actual path. But, I don't have an IQ of 150+ to remember all of this stuff, and I am not and ISTJ or ISFJ who remember stuff like hell. I just have a very weird intution I've read about it you hit me up with the topic I tell you about it, or I forgot, I feel so odd about memory it's like playing the lottery, 

Reasons ?

Maybe no goal ?
To much ?
Wrong place ?
Depending to much on structure ?
Depending to much on bought retreats ?
Making exception in my structure and not waking up on time.

That is it, not starting directly in the morning killed my second day, because I was "going with the flow" and I think I just tbh overslept because I did not turn on an alarm, it could have been as simple as that. 

Let's just not overanalyze the above is enough.

Challenges I want to do 2019:
30 day - language learning
Dopamin fast
Intermittent fasting ? 
Cooking challenge - 4 weeks each weekend one new recepie (FROM WHAT I CAN COOK FROM THS SMALL STINKY FRIDGE) ICEBOX IS SO COLD (NO SARCASM IT'S A SONG )
A music fast again - 30 days no music. Also no study music. No binaureal beats to meditate to. 

Look for some challenges that I could do, I wanted to always fast at least once in my life and just become a straight up cult leader and smoke some from Ken Wilbers bramble bush. I am not continuing the osmosis part, since I don't even know the story fully. The point is I want to become more pure, and clean in the sense that my enviroment is clean, since I am clean. I also started to enjoy rituals since I feel they can carry you to power releams? Not sure maybe it's just oxytocin and serotonin at work, yes this happens at church. A sweatlodge ceremony would be awesome. 

Habits I want to implement:
Quit porn forever - follow the advice from the audiobook attraction. 
Stronger gym routine and knowledge around this subject
Language learning
1h30 min meditation habit
Better sleep managment

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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I am back now at the dorm and will start to implement the structure tomorrow morning, yet first tomorrow will just be an ordinary day, I want to clean up my room entierly here and just workout tomorrow and schedule a week, so the structure is written down on paper and I can follow through. 

I will see what the internship tomorrows entails, exactly since I did not reach out for the professor out of laziness, my hometown is not benefitting me, the longer I stay there the worse it get's living with my parents is also not inspiring boring, not adventerous and takes the fun out of growth. 

The times I grew the most was when I lived on my own, other things I wanted to reflect about.

Leo's conscious politics episodes, I can't recall anymore what Leo said and what the last episode was about, what I generally thought so far is that I want to be part of an organisation and that I "basically" have to infiltrate the organization and evoke change if I want to cause change, I definitely want to work on reading first. My workout habit is stable. So, I gain more knowledge it is very important for me to know things it is essentially the essence of yellow survival. It is like sadghuru says, you've read a book and now you are ahead of me. That is especially what I want to do with coding and the coding pratice, I've found some excellent YouTube channels which teach the processes of getting hired for google etc. Yet, I always liked business and I want to see what I can code, which I could potentially sell, in the next couple of years. And learn as much as I can about the industry and finance, finance will be a topic 2020, I've listend to the audiobook rich dad poor dad, and had advanced courses in economics, so I am no stranger, but it certainly missed the pratical side of things and the inner game. 

Now, what I meant with conscious politics is if things are corrupt, and I can change corruption, yet I also want to change things which are corrupt inside myself first, reading the 48 laws of power is a good start. The same goes for shadow work and meditation, yet what I want to spefically work on is self-esteem, since I can be arrogant sometimes, and I learned to enjoy it not deny it which is quite counter-intuitive, sometimes it's not even arrogance but reason.. Which can be arrogant. Also, if everything works out perfectly I could even participate in some political group and gain first hand insights, the point is I have to adjust to their ideas, and I can become swayed by emotions.

Also, I want to stop seeing things as corropt things are the way they are and I can work on changing them, knowledge is required people are required, yet sometimes I think am I just fooling myself ? Why do I even enjoy politics ? I am just fascinated by people and value structures and sociology, psychology and such. The lecture the user Elizabeth posted was great, yet somehow my intuition tells me you don't need to read this or watch this, not sure.

Tomorrow the restructuring will begin and I am happy that I am as productive as never before since my kriya experience Paul Check is a fking awesome coach he even validated what I researched in his new video about chakras.

I bought the home pratice programm retreat for next weekend and applied for the scholoar ship, I am definitely back here and will get start slowly but fairly quickly back into working mode, this time more structured and more driven. 

Lesson that I seem to have to learn 
Control and Self-Control I want to watch Leo's video on that. 

For now implement the strucutre and think about your time usage. 

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