Relationship Problems

[Chumbimba]

Recently I have been having issues in my 15 month relationship. Before I went on a 10 day Vipassana retreat my girlfriend and I broke up. During the retreat I realized the reason of the issues in our relationship. Past issues with my mother. The entire relationship she was extremely loyal to me, but after the retreat shit hit the fan. When I got back from the retreat, it seems liked everything was fine and that we were going to get back together. On my birthday (May 25)  she came over and we had physical interaction (kissing and foreplay) so it gave me the idea that we were really getting back together.

Two days ago I saw her on campus and she said that she was there because she was at the library with another guy. Not only was she  with another guy and didn’t tell me about it, She kept lying about it. It took me a few conversations to get it out of her.  Her excuse was “I thought I was single so I moved on”... technically she was single but it’s the actions she took on my birthday and after the retreat t have me confused. The guy she is talking to is 32 and she is 19. I see it more as a distraction from the pain of the break up rather than her genuinely being interested in that person. She also told me she’s not into him but “she moves on fast after relationships”, but I was her first boyfriend. I want to work on the relationship and move on with it but there are a couple problems.

1. I am studying abroad in Spain from August-December. Her love language is physical touch so she said that four months without seeing me would make her really depressed

2. We can barely see each other this summer because  she lives 45 mins away and  we both don’t have the means of transportation. I also have a job that conflicts when she can actually sees me. 

[Gili Trawangan]

@Chumbimba I'm not an authority on relationships, so take this with a grain of salt.

Why do you want to continue this relationship? She has lied to you, been with another guy (one that you are aware of), and has pretty much made it clear that once you are apart she will look for intimacy elsewhere because she won't be getting it from you.

All I see is red flags. But maybe I'm missing something, this is just from what you wrote. 

[Chumbimba]

@Gili Trawangan I still love her deep down inside and it is hard to let that go. The whole relationship she was loyal. It wasn’t until after we broke up she started acting funny. It’s like she is a different person 

[Shin]

1 hour ago, Chumbimba said:

@Gili Trawangan I still love her deep down inside and it is hard to let that go. The whole relationship she was loyal. It wasn’t until after we broke up she started acting funny. It’s like she is a different person 

 

Do you want to suffer ?

 

Yes -----> Stay with her

 

No  -----> Break up with her right fucking now

Edited May 31, 2019 by Shin

[SFRL]

@Chumbimba if you go trough the trouble of asking on an online forum if you should breakup with your girlfriend, that should basically tell you enough. 

You better go enjoy those months in Spain because she sure will. 

[ajasatya]

@Chumbimba Beware. Toxic attachment can be easily confused with Love.

Would you be happy if her happiness did not depend on you? If she suddenly decided to let go of you and were sincere about it?

A major symptom of attachment is emotional codependency. A great signal of Love is authentic autonomy.

[bejapuskas]

16 hours ago, Chumbimba said:

Her love language is physical touch so she said that four months without seeing me would make her really depressed

Why do you choose this fancy word for addiction?

[Chumbimba]

Thanks for the replies I broke it off this morning. 

[iTommy]

@Chumbimba I'm sorry for all that confusion and mental stress, that you seem to experience currently. I suggest that you search for love within someone else. If you don't cut your ties, you'll probably end up feeling more heartbroken than you already do (speaking from experience).

...

Just saw your reply, I am glad you broke it off, moving on. Stay strong man  

[Shin]

7 minutes ago, Chumbimba said:

Thanks for the replies I broke it off this morning. 

Good choice

Now it's time to heavily mediate, reflect and learn why it couldn't ever work.

The Power of Now and The Way Of The Superior Man

[Chumbimba]

I’m not going to find anyone else until I get over this fully. I don’t want my next relationship to have this garbage with it.

[ajasatya]

3 minutes ago, Chumbimba said:

I’m not going to find anyone else until I get over this fully. I don’t want my next relationship to have this garbage with it.

My beard just grew like 1 mm just from reading the words above. Thanks!

[Shin]

13 minutes ago, Chumbimba said:

I’m not going to find anyone else until I get over this fully. I don’t want my next relationship to have this garbage with it.

Ok, but be wary of your stupid brain that will want to change this decision in a month please

[SFRL]

33 minutes ago, Chumbimba said:

I’m not going to find anyone else until I get over this fully. I don’t want my next relationship to have this garbage with it.

This is counterintuitive but I would respectfully suggest that you start fucking everything that moves, as long as it got a heartbeat you are good to go. 

It goes against your feelings now but you will feel a lot better after.

Then by the time you go to Spain you are in a lot better headspace to make a move when that cute Spanish chick or international student from Sweden comes along. 

 

[Chumbimba]

@SFRL lol I feel you on that. But I don’t want it to come from a wounded place or it wouldn’t only cause damage to me, but the girls as well. Which in the end would make things a lot worse if I just feel this out. 

[SFRL]

@Chumbimba yeah in all honesty I got to admit that by doing that you tend to walk with open eyes into the next dysfunctional relationship. At least thats how it often turned out for me. It does help with getting over breakups though. 

The dating scene is pretty harsh anyways, and that goes both ways, coming from men and women. So I am not to hung up on morals. But some girls really don't deserve it. 

Doing things 'the right way' is not the easiest but it usually pays off better in the end. 

Edited June 1, 2019 by SFRL