Journaling - for the first time in my life

[Truth Addict]

Another ignorant and deluded fuck projects and tries to teach me.

Who's next?

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

@Truth Addict Shhh... it's just a story. 

I love you.

I know what you mean though, it's annoying as fuck. 

[Truth Addict]

@mandyjw

I don't want to mess our friendship. I'm out of control right now.

[tsuki]

@Truth Addict Now, now. Every spiritual seeker knows that it's objectively bad to be angry ♥️.

[Truth Addict]

16 minutes ago, tsuki said:

@Truth Addict Now, now. Every spiritual seeker knows that it's objectively bad to be angry ♥️.

Thanks for stating the absolute truth so eloquently! I've been looking for years man. 

Leave me fucking journal alone.

[Truth Addict]

Yeah, so as I returned to college, I started interacting with college students. They're the worst ever. Medical students are the most ignorant and neurotic people you'll ever meet. I'm quite sure most doctors are so. Being a good student requires being highly neurotic, obsessive, and closed-minded, at least where I live. I WAS like that my whole life until three years ago i.e. until I started my self-development work. I was a complete nerd, the most ignorant guy in the whole world. I was even more ignorant 5 years ago. It's quite shocking how many layers do ignorance have, and it's quite impressive how much I've improved. I know I have a lot more to learn, but whatever.

Anyway, so those nerds... They're the most irritating people ever. Everything they say is toxic and neurotic, they have an extremely offensive attitude, think of mine and multiply it by a thousand. They're extremely selfish and serious. The only thing they care about is high grades, which in their minds translates as high money.

The irony is that people who are responsible for health are the most unhealthy. Lungs doctors smoke, what the fucking smoking hell?! That's just one example, the rest is so on, if not worse. Today I was discussing my graduation project with the psychiatry professor, he said that I am being obsessive! What the fuck? So it's just like that? You're automatically diagnosing me, and based on what? Are you done yet Mr. Projections? I know that I still am obsessive, but thank you for saying it out loud in front of my colleagues. You're just the worst!

The worst thing about ignorance is that you can't respond to it without being ignorant. It's really toxic to be around those people. They're convinced that they are the best people in the world. I'm telling you, they're the worst. You don't want to be around them.

[Truth Addict]

I feel much better now.

I apologise @tsuki @mandyjw. You are nice and beautiful people. I love you ❤️

 

[DrewNows]

They say fear gets transformed quickly into anger, and sometimes directly to judgement 

I’ve been playing soccer with medical students, I’d definitely bring up naturopathy and detoxification if I get to know them on a more personal level 

part of me has been afraid to open up to anyone I wish to form a connection or friendship with on a real vulnerable level 

[Truth Addict]

4 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

They say fear gets transformed quickly into anger, and sometimes directly to judgement 

Correct. I was afraid for my self-image. The professor was so inconsiderate of it, and so he embarrassed me in front of my colleagues. I know I shouldn't care for other people's opinions, but I'm not there yet, not even close. That's why I'm journaling.

7 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

I’ve been playing soccer with medical students, I’d definitely bring up naturopathy and detoxification if I get to know them on a more personal level 

part of me has been afraid to open up to anyone I wish to form a connection or friendship with on a real vulnerable level 

Here, they rarely talk about anything outside of studying. They're complete nerds. They are addicted to studying, even on holidays they study, even on vacations, even in the summer.

They don't practice as much. They're just bibliophiles, and they don't read anything that isn't related to medicine.

Maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit, and surely there are cool people as well, but the majority are nerds.

I try to connect with them on a personal level, but all they care about is my grades and how much I study.

Again, this is the case here. I don't know about your country or even about another medical school in my country. I wonder if your friends don't talk about studying before or after playing.

[DrewNows]

56 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

Again, this is the case here. I don't know about your country or even about another medical school in my country. I wonder if your friends don't talk about studying before or after playing.

They totally do haha. 

I love reading journals like yours where people aren’t afraid to open up, sometimes I ignorantly find it beyond me to do so, anyways 

( What is toxicity? Do you consider them toxic? Does toxicity have anything to offer us? ) some realizations just hit me relating to toxic people and situations, that’s why I’m asking 

How do you try to connect with them? Are you asking questions that challenge them to go beyond their identity and appearance? 

Think of the challenge as challenging yourself to truly see them to the depth of compassion 

 

 

Edited September 26, 2019 by DrewNows

[Truth Addict]

45 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

They totally do haha.

So, it's an epidemic.

46 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

I love reading journals like yours where people aren’t afraid to open up, sometimes I ignorantly find it beyond me to do so, anyways 

I can open up to anyone, especially to strangers, because I know they would judge me as humble and carefree. But I'm very careful with my medical colleagues because they're devils, they're so judgemental, especially of each other. Rank is a very important factor in their system, if my rank is low, then I don't have a voice, so I basically can't be a leader amongst them, and I dislike their leadership. I don't specifically like being a leader, but I can fill that position very well. They're the worst leaders in my opinion, they're basically like Trump.

58 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

How do you try to connect with them? Are you asking questions that challenge them to go beyond their identity and appearance?

Perhaps I wasn't good at describing the situation. I have friends from medical school, one of them is my best, and he's at stage Yellow. I used to be friends with multiple groups, but I had to act inauthentically in order to fit. At some point, I couldn't take it anymore, so I became fully authentic and cut off most of my friendships. Not a single one of them is interested in personal-development, nor consciousness, or anything like that. They're stuck between stage Blue and Orange. You can find some Green among them, but I can't tolerate that as well. They're way up in their heads.

The average guy in medical school talks about studying 90% of the time. Even my best friend talks a lot about studying, but then he balances it with philosophy and politics.

They're very serious people. You probably have noticed that I share some of their seriousness. I can't live up to that anymore. That's not a healthy way of going about life.

1 hour ago, DrewNows said:

Think of the challenge as challenging yourself to truly see them to the depth of compassion

I hate them more than I hate Peter Ralston. At least Ralston has some wisdom. Those people are the opposite of wisdom, ironically, as they should be the wisest people of all. Medicine is all about wisdom. They don't have any, they're just robots.

[DrewNows]

1 hour ago, Truth Addict said:

So, it's an epidemic.

It wasn't something i ever focused on nor is it something im bothered by, but there's nothing wrong, it's like their life purpose

1 hour ago, Truth Addict said:

I can open up to anyone, especially to strangers, because I know they would judge me as humble and carefree. But I'm very careful with my medical colleagues because they're devils, they're so judgemental, especially of each other. Rank is a very important factor in their system, if my rank is low, then I don't have a voice, so I basically can't be a leader amongst them, and I dislike their leadership. I don't specifically like being a leader, but I can fill that position very well. They're the worst leaders in my opinion, they're basically like Trump.

hahaha. is it possible not to play the devils game? It is all happening in your mind after all

Would you mind answering my questions regarding toxicity? 

1 hour ago, Truth Addict said:

I hate them more than I hate Peter Ralston. At least Ralston has some wisdom. Those people are the opposite of wisdom, ironically, as they should be the wisest people of all. Medicine is all about wisdom. They don't have any, they're just robots.

What is wisdom to the untrained eye? Is there even such a thing? 

[Truth Addict]

1 hour ago, DrewNows said:

It wasn't something i ever focused on nor is it something im bothered by, but there's nothing wrong, it's like their life purpose

Because you don't count in their league. They don't judge your grades.

1 hour ago, DrewNows said:

hahaha. is it possible not to play the devils game? It is all happening in your mind after all

The no-devils no-game is also happening in your mind after all. After a certain point, you will become able to see devilry without being a devil. Devils are just toxic, it can't get more obvious.

1 hour ago, DrewNows said:

Would you mind answering my questions regarding toxicity?

I already answered it: ?

3 hours ago, Truth Addict said:

They're very serious people. You probably have noticed that I share some of their seriousness. I can't live up to that anymore. That's not a healthy way of going about life.

Those people are the opposite of wisdom, ironically, as they should be the wisest people of all. Medicine is all about wisdom. Yet, they don't have any, they're just robots.

They lack awareness, compassion, wisdom, and they're extremely selfish while they're supposed to be the most selfless people. They are destructive cancers while they're supposed to stop cancer. They're acutely ill while they're supposed to be the healers.

What more toxicity/devilry are you looking for?

1 hour ago, DrewNows said:

What is wisdom to the untrained eye? Is there even such a thing? 

If you're being passive aggressive with these two questions, then the answer is that you are stuck at stage Green.

By the way, the people I'm talking about are passive aggressive by default without them even noticing or caring. They talk a lot of shit they don't mean.

Edited September 26, 2019 by Truth Addict

[DrewNows]

1 hour ago, Truth Addict said:

Because you don't count in their league. They don't judge your grades.

yes it's true im not in their league school wise. Some people are much easier to judge than others, can you notice? 

1 hour ago, Truth Addict said:

The no-devils no-game is also happening in your mind after all. After a certain point, you will become able to see devilry without being a devil. Devils are just toxic, it can't get more obvious.

Perceiving devils makes you a devil, i know i have a lot of devil in me but it can be released if taken responsibility for. To jump into their shoes it would take being in a state of relaxation 

1 hour ago, Truth Addict said:

What more toxicity/devilry are you looking for?

Im asking what is toxicity in general? Why is it different for everyone? How come some always find themselves surrounded by toxic people while others never have a problem? 

1 hour ago, Truth Addict said:

If you're being passive aggressive with these two questions, then the answer is that you are stuck at stage Green.

By the way, the people I'm talking about are passive aggressive by default without them even noticing or caring. They talk a lot of shit they don't mean.

They lack your compassion, wisdom, awareness, selflessness, and definition for medical practitioners. The eye you're giving them is the eye you're receiving...you cannot see it because it's you

Edited September 26, 2019 by DrewNows

[Truth Addict]

@DrewNows 

Look buddy, I know it's just my perspective. But they're devils in MY perspective. I don't want to see them otherwise, because they are actual devils. My perspective is true, and you don't have to believe in it. Stop telling me to stop judging because I won't.

I know that illness is a part of being. Yet, I work to stop it from spreading. The same thing applies here, I am the doctor here, and they are the cancer. I can see that because I have wisdom, and they don't. Again, you don't have to believe me, just let me have my perspective.

28 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

They lack your compassion, wisdom, awareness, selflessness, and definition for medical practitioners.

They lack my scalpel excising their malignancy.

[DrewNows]

Fair enough dude, just dont go thinking judging makes you better than them, and i don’t think it makes you feel any better. When we don’t know how to handle something we judge it 

Sorry if this got too personal, I wanted to explore insights with toxicity but if you don’t wish to, fine 

 

[Truth Addict]

I always used to be told that I look younger than I actually am. That was two or three years ago. Earlier this day, as I was chatting with another colleague, he thought I was a senior, so he wasn't sure how to talk to me lol. I'm only one year older than him, and he thought I'm 30 years old or something.

Wisdom shines in the face, I can look at someone and know how much wisdom they have.

@DrewNows?

There's your proof for my superiority 

Toxicity can only be seen at stage tier two, because tier two can see health/integration/systems.

Edited September 26, 2019 by Truth Addict

[DrewNows]

36 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

Toxicity can only be seen at stage tier two, because tier two can see health/integration/systems.

*face-palm*

you and your systems of understanding...

take a child who sees someone who usually bullies him, his first thought is damn I hate that kid. For this kid the bully is toxic to be anywhere near. Does this make for stage two thinking? Lmao 

 

 

Edited September 26, 2019 by DrewNows

[Truth Addict]

7 hours ago, DrewNows said:

*face-palm*

you and your systems of understanding...

take a child who sees someone who usually bullies him, his first thought is damn I hate that kid. For this kid the bully is toxic to be anywhere near. Does this make for stage two thinking? Lmao 

 

 

I meant actual toxicity, not the reactional type. Don't be silly with your obvious objection.

I understand where you are because I've been there. You can't stay in no-self forever. At some point, you gotta have a mind/agenda/ego. The only question is how developed/selfless is it?

It's not wise to chase a permanent no-self state unless you're elderly. But now you still have 50 years of ego development. I don't want to waste those years isolated. Or who knows? Maybe you've got all of your life/survival figured out and I'm the deluded one here, but let me experience some delusion, I still have lots of ways to go. The good news is that I barely suffer.

Edited September 27, 2019 by Truth Addict