90-Day NoFap Reboot !

[TheAvatarState]

It's time, boys! I'm so FUCKING SICK of being controlled by these desires, so FUCKING SICK of draining my life force, so FUCKING SICK of this addiction! I recognize that if I want to move on in my spiritual journey, this has to go. This will surely be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it's beyond time to step up to the occasion. I'm confident that by keeping this separate journal (please check out my other one where I share my thoughts and insights), it will keep me on track and hold me accountable. I'm so ready!

Perhaps it's just coincidence, but today also happens to be my parent's 30th Anniversary, and they're having the time of their lives visiting New Zealand for 3 weeks! I'm really happy for them, but as I'm here in the States struggling with my own inner battles, about to pull my pants down to jerk it to some pixels on a screen depicting other people having fake, unenjoyable sex, I catch myself and stop... WHAT THE FUCK??? Here I am, trying my best to turn my life around in other areas, and I'm about to toss it all away for a few seconds of pleasure? Wake the fuck up, Kid!!!

Now if I'm being honest with myself, I don't actually enjoy this habit anymore. I've experienced all there is to experience. I've spent thousands of hours searching for all kinds of porn, I've experimented with dozens of techniques and tricks, I've basically done it all (that I find attractive, that is). Like, there's literally nothing more to search for, nothing more to experience in this field. I've seen the best of the best. I'm a fucking connoisseur of this shit. And did it bring me any fulfillment, any happiness, any deep satisfaction? Of course, the answer is no. It was all an illusion.

What I've been longing for, honestly, is an excuse or a reason or something external to make me quit. I get that that's not the right approach, but that has nevertheless been my state of mind. And that's where a lot of people are at, that's fundamentally what a neurosis is. If you're in that boat, I completely understand. It's terrible.

I have had dozens of false starts at no fap over the years, but I have never had a streak longer than 2 weeks. Just think about that. I haven't gone longer than 2 weeks without fapping since I started fapping at age 12, over 10 years ago! And a good chunk of that, probably 4-5 years, it was a daily or twice daily habit... It's simply fucked up. It's really daunting to face that. I hope you can understand how difficult of a task it will be to stop. It doesn't matter what it is, if you do something for 10 years straight, it becomes part of you. This sickening mentality, awkwardness around girls, uneasiness in social situations, low self esteem-- it's practically baked into my DNA.

But I'm going to do something amazing here. It's the most counter-intuitive move ever; it's the thing my ego never saw coming. I LOVE myself and my current situation. In fact, it's perfect. I NEEDED to go through all that to reach the lowest low, I NEEDED to experience what this was like! I can actually see that period of my life becoming extremely valuable in the future. Of course I don't recommend that you go out of your way to descend into Hell, but through that came this: a deep, fundamental understanding of the neuroses of addiction, pain, social awkwardness, loneliness, and mental suffering. I haven't suffered much physically (in fact my life has been quite cushy), but I can confidently say that I've suffered some of the darkest and most excruciating mental states one can get to. That isn't something you can read in a book. That's power. That's me taking full responsibility and flipping "woe is me" on its head. As the late and great Avatar Aang once said, "When you reach your lowest point, you are open to the greatest change."

So what makes this attempt different? Well, for starters, this isn't an attempt. I can't explain it, but I know in my core that this is it. I would rather die than write a post like this and then not follow through. It's as simple as that. It's this deep knowing that this is the time. I'm smiling right now because it is beautiful...  There is a calling here that's greater than myself.

I don't really know what "flipped," perhaps it was reading other fine people's NoFap journals on here, maybe it was... I really don't know. But I want you to understand that this isn't some egoic reaction or split decision. I've been thinking about doing this for a long time. I've recognized this need to reboot my sexual energy. The time is now, and this was exactly how it was meant to be.

 

I'm counting today as day 1. Actually, I haven't fapped in 3 days, but it would be cheating to count those... I'm leaning against using a 1-10 rating system of the days' difficulty, because it's a bad habit I used to rate a woman's attractiveness. Fuck that. I need to get away from that materialistic paradigm. Being a Yellow thinker, I'm sure I'll come up with a model I like eventually.

For now, I'll say today was easy. Almost no sexual thoughts, and if there were, they were fleeting. I did not indulge in any fantasies.

If you read all of that, then I'm deeply thankful because your thoughts and feelings have an affect in my journey. We are all connected, limited not by time nor space. Please send some good vibes! Wishing me luck is absolutely pointless.

 

[Vitamine Water]

Good luck dude. Remember to focus on your long term goals. Everytime when a serious urge to fap comes up, ask yourself: do I really want this?

Do I REALLY want this? 

I tell you - and you know this - you don't fucking want this. You'll feel fucking drained afterwards anyways. Do you want that? Over and over and over? Hell no. Fuck the mind and it's short term highs. 

The more you train yourself to let go of these thoughts the stronger you feel afterwards. This builds strength and motivation to continue. Once you pass that threshold, you'll fucking fly. 

And If you Relapse, don't let it take you down. Use it as a learning mechanism. 

Edited December 18, 2018 by Vitamine Water

[Wisebaxter]

You're gonna nail this bro. Remember, if you fuck up, for any reason, rinse and repeat until you get it done. Be careful of self loathing or shame if you do weaken as I know from a long term addiction myself than this just keeps feeding into it and perpetuated the addiction. If you feel that you can handle it if things go wrong, paradoxically they're less likely to. 

Edited December 19, 2018 by Wisebaxter

[TheAvatarState]

@Vitamine Water @Wisebaxter Thank you! I really appreciate it.

I've been thinking of a rating system that myself and others may find useful. I even had a vision of graphing the data, to show my rise and falls of various feelings over time. I think that might be a really interesting experiment!

What would the most relevant perceptions be? I'm thinking energy level, alertness/awareness, sexual thoughts or cravings, confidence personally (self-esteem) as well as in social situations. Of course there are many other factors at play, but this might be really helpful to map out this journey of mine.

So to break this down: All these stats will be rated 1-10 every day. I know I said I was trying to get away from the 1-10 scale, but that's what I'm familiar with and I'm using it consciously for good here. Energy Level will be the average level of the day. Awareness (this is important because I get a foggy mind after fapping) will be the average level. Sexual thoughts will be the peak difficulty I encountered that day. Self-esteem is an average. Social comfort and easiness will be a perceived average level, but I'll say that I don't get a lot of social interaction currently. Sometimes on my off days I won't see another person, but this is an important metric to me nonetheless.

Day 2:

Energy: 5

Awareness: 6

Sexual thoughts/urges: 2

Self-esteem: 3

Social confidence: 4

[Zigzag Idiot]

Just to be the 'Devil's Advocate',,,,

I keep thinking about the 2 Buddhists monks at the river crossing. The monk who did not touch or carry the woman across the river couldn't get her out of his mind the rest of the day.

All these Catholic Priests getting twisted the way they do,,,,?

Doesn't sexual repression divide one against themselves?

 

[Shin]

[TheAvatarState]

@Zigzag Idiot That is a valid point. However, given my current situation, I feel the need to completely reboot my system. There are thousands of accounts of men in my same position who found great results from doing this. Remember, this is only 90 days, not a lifetime. This isn't about sexual repression at all; this is about sexual empowerment and awakening. I'm confident I'll achieve that.

@Shin HA! Thank you for the support. Feels good to be here!

Day 3:

Energy: 4

Awareness: 4

Sexual thoughts/urges: 2

Self-esteem: 3

Social confidence: n/a

 

Today was my off day, and I didn't do much besides stay at home, read, watch a couple videos, and generally laze around. LOL! I didn't accomplish what I wanted to, but at this point, it's still a major win for me. My day is also defined by what I didn't do!  Just a few scattered sexual thoughts, but I was able to let go of them easily. My energy levels were definitely down from what they were yesterday. I felt slightly sluggish and tired for most of the day. Of course that could be due to many other factors, but I'm sure that it had something to do with technically being on day 6 without fapping. Every other time I've made it to this point, I get a weird dip in energy.

BRING IT ON!!!

[Zigzag Idiot]

Ok, I made a couple of wrong assumptions.

 I understand better, thanks.

 

[TheAvatarState]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you, and thanks for the support!

Today was slightly more difficult in the sexual thoughts department. There were a few attractive women at work, however, I was able to quickly shift my mind away from that. I'm mentally still going strong! Awareness was up a little bit because I practiced conscious awareness even in the tough moments. I'm constantly seeing the beauty in every day life. I'm currently working at a job that is NOT a good fit for me at my current consciousness level, however, I'm trying to make the best of it. It is sometimes really difficult, but I'm blessed that I have such opportunities to deal with unconscious people, and to practice on keeping a level head. Honestly, I think everyone should do customer service for at least 6 months... it'll teach you a lot of things, not the least of which is infinite patience.  

Day 4:

Energy: 4

Awareness: 5

Sexual thoughts/urges: 3

Self-esteem: 4

Social confidence: 4

[TheAvatarState]

Day 5:

Energy: 5

Awareness: 5

Sexual thoughts/urges: 3

Self-esteem: 4

Social confidence: 4

 

A coworker commented that I had lost weight, so that was nice! I've been eating healthier, and as a result I've probably lost 10 pounds over the last month or so. Making strides, boys!

[TheAvatarState]

Day 6:

Energy: 4

Awareness: 4

Sexual thoughts/urges: 2

Self-esteem: 4

Social confidence: 4

 

Kind of a blah day. Slightly lower energy and awareness than yesterday. Nothing abnormal, just slight fluctuations. I'd attribute that to only getting 6 hours of sleep instead of 8. Very few sexual thoughts, and I was able to quickly toss them aside in the light of my self-actualization goals. I've found that when lower desires arise, thinking about the big picture can help to put them in their place. Also keep in mind that I spent years of my life at an effective 2 in all marks except sexual thoughts, which were probably at least a 5 at all times, so a score of 4 is actually really good for me right now! A 3 would be cause for a little concern, but 4 is a good baseline. I hope I can maintain that through the doldrums of this 90-day reboot.

Today, I bought Leo's Life Purpose Course as the best Christmas gift of all to myself! I'll be devoting 1-2 hours a day on going through the course. I think any faster would be detrimental; I really want this information to percolate into my entire psyche, and that takes time. Adios, amigos!

[TheAvatarState]

Day 7:

Energy: 4

Awareness: 4

Sexual thoughts/urges: 2

Self-esteem: 4

Social confidence: 4

 

Basically the same day as yesterday, everything from my work schedule to what I did at home. 

Edited December 24, 2018 by TheAvatarState

[TheAvatarState]

Day 8:

Energy: 4

Awareness: 4

Sexual thoughts/urges: 4

Self-esteem: 4

Social confidence: 4

 

Today was a little more difficult. I'm noticing that I get more frequent thoughts about sex, and that it's a little more difficult not to drift off into fantasy land. I feel like I've breezed through this so far, but I have a feeling the next week or two might be the hardest. This is what I signed up for though. Bring it on!

[Psyche_92]

5 minutes ago, TheAvatarState said:

I have a feeling the next week or two might be the hardest. This is what I signed up for though.

FIrst and second week are the hardest from my experience.

[TheAvatarState]

Day 9:

Energy: 4

Awareness: 4

Sexual thoughts/urges: 6

Self-esteem: 4

Social confidence: 4

 

Not gonna lie, I watched a little bit of porn today just to take the edge off. I didn't touch my dick, just watched. So I'm proud of myself for that. I'm building up a strength and immunity to actually masturbating. I have this 90-day challenge so ingrained in my mind that it's almost physically repulsing to start masturbating. Like, if I put any thought into it at all, it's so clear that I don't really want this. The 5 minutes of pleasure from masturbating couldn't possibly hold a candle to the deep-seated pleasure of ramping up my sexual energy and completing this challenge.

I feel like today was a big turning point... I was this close, in a way, to doing the deed... but it never really felt like an option at all. This was my first major test, and I proved to myself that I have what it takes to go the distance.

[Psyche_92]

3 hours ago, TheAvatarState said:

I watched a little bit of porn today

That's a relapse. Don't fool yourself.

[TheAvatarState]

@Psyche_92 k. I'm not fooling anyone here. 

[TheAvatarState]

Day 10:

Energy: 4

Awareness: 4

Sexual thoughts/urges: 3

Self-esteem: 4

Social confidence: 4

 

Meh.

[Leonid]

Man I'm on this with you completely! I am also a 8-year porn addict, and I've been trying to get rid of that shit for 4 months already. 

I'm on a 3 day streak right now, and let's do that damn 90 day reboot together

But remember - do not watch porn! That is deadly for you, and you know it. Watching porn increase your chances of relapse like 10x, especially the genres what you find attractive. 

We need to support each other, because to me now it seems that dropping that habit alone is almost impossible, at least in my experience. 

(13 days streak was my max) 

[TheAvatarState]

@Leonid This shit is hard, man. If you truly feel you're ready, where you feel it in every ounce of you're being, not just conceptually, but physically, then it would be wise to start a nofap journal on here and check in every day. It has helped me immensely so far! We can definitely support eachother, but you need to get on board my man! The train is leaving the station, the time is now!

Watching porn is not deadly. There's softcore porn basically everywhere you look, in movies, social media, adds, EVERYWHERE! Like I said above, I'm basically at a point where I can't physically do the act because my mental fortitude and vision is so strong, but watching porn occasionally can really take the edge off of my mind and cravings. I'm actually glad I watched it! It was also a big milestone that despite watching it, I couldn't bring myself to jerk off. That's when you truly know you're going to succeed, it was the threshold guardian in my 90-day hero's journey. Remember, it's the draining of your lifeforce and debasing yourself that kills you. Keep things in perspective.