Charlotte

The battle between heart and the self (fear)

531 posts in this topic

Wow. I can breath again. 2 massive tests and assessments out the way. 

Yaaaaay!!! ??

So hard to get used to studying after being out of education for like 8 years. Got to find the right balance again. 

Something happened yesterday that filled me with an incredible amount of joy. 

I have a friend I've met in college. She's Muslim so she's speaks spiritually from time to time.

She has literally no confidence in herself. I can literally see the mental barriers she's created for herself. I've tried everything to help her. My first approach was pointing out her mental barriers she's created but that didn't work so I moved onto phase 2... Operation point out when she's done something amazing, however small, keep encouraging and being an example. 

I got a distinction in my spoken language endorsement and she got a merit (one below). She wasn't happy at all as she felt she deserved a distinction. Long story short we went into the teachers office as she had a couple of questions that where whizzing around her mind. The teacher explained that her lack of confidence unfortunately didn't push up her mark. 

We came out of the office and she told me she had other questions, things weren't fair she felt etc etc. I encouraged her to go back in and speak her mind in a fair but firm manner. 

I tried explaining a merit was great but she wouldn't have it. 

Anyway, she was like Nooo nooo I'm not you! I could never go back in and say how I feel! I said come on!! Where's your Grrrrrr?! It's good to speak your mind... She said no, I never have been able to. Come with me then... She said. I said no, I'll wait outside for you. Anyway, she did.

Her husband was stood outside his car smoking so we got to chatting. He explained she's going through a depressive episode, everything always has to be 'one better' for her she's never happy, the grass is always greener blah blah blah. I got the picture. 

She then came back out from speaking with the teacher... lips trembling and grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug ever. She said at the top of her lungs "Thank you Charlotte! I feel free! I don't care if I get a higher mark now, I said how I feel and I feel free!!" I said. Nothing to do with me, you went back in there, you faced your own fear!" She then grabbed me (in a huggy way and whispered in my ear... "Your my twin."

That girl literally just broke through her own limiting beliefs right there in that one moment (with a little nudge).

We said our heartfelt good byes and I got in my car and I literally cried with joy. I could see the liberation in her eyes. Something as small as that had such a huge impact for her. I was GENUINELY happy AF for her. The freedom she felt moved me. 

So yeah... That was just beautiful ❤️

Literally felt like this...

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:)


God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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Why have I never discovered Tibetan bowl singing before? Wow. 

I sat down to meditate, the pain body was screaming today. First time I've experienced pain so intensely in a long time. 

I needed to relax, quiet everything down to almost stillness. 

So I sat on my bed to meditate, didn't fancy a timer. I popped my Bluetooth speaker on and sat in meditation whilst playing...

Wow. Wow.WOW! Where the f have you been all my life mate? ?

If you meditate deeply enough whilst playing this you will literally 'become' the sound. What I found amazing was any thought that may occur whilst listening to this disturbs the sound so your quickly reminded to let go of said thought. 

After 30 minutes I naturally opened my eyes. I then spontaneously started to move, I was swaying, flowing, dancing almost. I didn't question, didn't control, didn't think.

Just moved.

I did notice that the body was moving in very spinal flowing movements, bending and curving the spine round with the head. 

It was beautiful. 

This was the body's natural way of dealing with pain possibly?

Regardless of why, it was beautiful. 

 

Tomorrow I'm travelling by train to meet a good friend I met on a yoga retreat just this year. You know when you meet someone, a stranger... And you just connect instantly? This is us. 

Tomorrow we're going to somewhere called Temple. It's a vegan spot and they serve nothing but Vegan doughnuts ? I've decided to allow myself a treat and not give a f on this one occasion. I'm due on so that's a good enough reason to eat a doughnut isn't it? ??

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So yesterday I went to meet my lovely new friend. She's amazing. 

I travelled by train to go meet her which seems to be coming the norm for me now :) I used to want to take the car everywhere to 'feel safe' so to speak but that has dissolved. When I was 13/14 I used to just get on the train and travel everywhere by my self just to explore.

I feel that age again. 

I meditated on the train journey down and back again using the Tibetan bowls through my earphones. During the journey down, especially approaching my stop I noticed the odd thought popping up. "Is my stop next, make sure I don't miss it." I gently returned to the present moment and in that moment you can literally see how the mind creates anxiety/fear. In that moment there is nothing, it's perfect. I smiled. I noticed this even when people where getting on the train. Mind pops up. "Who's that?" Back to the present moment. Perfect. No need or wanting or willing to know or control anything. It's absolutely astonishingly surreal how perfect the present moment is. Nothing has a name, a colour, a label. It just isness (is that even a word?) ??

Yesterday I ate like absolute shit. I needed this to truly realise something. I'm past the point of food for pleasure. I had an unhealthy relationship with food for the majority of my adult life and I've finally smashed it. 

I ate 2 doughnuts and a seitan burger. 

I watched how my body felt afterwards. 

Absolutely grim. Many people argue 'its cruelty free and plant based" but that doesn't cut it for me. At all. My body doesn't want this. Rejects it in fact (if you feel). 

This morning I've woken up with what feels like a junk food hangover. Eeeeurgh ?

In 20 minutes I'm going to whip my gym gear on and get my arse down to the gym and give the body what it craves. A type of 'I'm soooorrrrryyyy' gym session to the body that I do highly respect.

 

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@rounder ignore tag rounder sorry. 

 

Okay so after deciding I was going gym I got up and got ready. I then went to my mums to pick something up and procrastinated for an hour with a herbal tea. 

I then got up and got myself off to the gym. I was quite low on energy but I continued. 

Gym was interesting actually. I was observing the very moment your mind wants you to slow down on the treadmill, lift that last weight or stop rowing. I was observing thought throughout the majority of the session actually. 

When I was on the treadmill I reached a point where all this emotion came up. It felt like unbelievable pure joy and love. It was so intense I actually started crying on the fucking treadmill xD ?

After the gym I felt mint! I fancied a really nutritious tea (evening meal) So I bought shit loads of organic veggies, fungi and herbs. 

When I got home the dog needed a walk so I wrapped up all waterproofy and warm. The weather was like 1°C with ice and freezing gusty winds and rain but I genuinely don't care. I appreciate walking, as does my little bud ?

The walk itself was beautiful. As always. There was hardly nobody out due to the weather so I could let Harry off and be free! I slipped on ice and nearly broke my sternum though xD 

There's always something truly remarkable and peaceful with walking outside, it literally feels like a treat. 

So after the walk I got back and made a wholesome stewp (word I made up for a meal that isn't quite stew or soup) and enjoyed every moment of it.

Then watched a couple of YouTube vids and relaxed with the dogs for the rest of the evening. Leo weren't joking when he said animals are the only beings that don't bullshit. Animals are one of the greatest gifts humans could ever receive, we are privileged to be in there company and share their love. Such a shame that man has gone onto exploit them for their own selfish egotistical needs because if you watch and observe an animal they hold some of the greatest teachings that cannot be communicated. 

 

 

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Find purpose.

Have a vision.

Ego is not to play cards with.

Surrender to ego. Let it go, then it won't bother you anymore. (counter-intuitive, but effective)

You are not God.

God moves through you, God creates through you.

Stop identifying with archetypes.

Be authentic. Don't repress: allow.

Panic is fear of fear. Trust yourself.

You are the only person that can be trusted by yourself. Once you trust yourself, the world is yours. (not literally, but in a non-attached way)

Heart and mind are one. Purify intentions.

Enjoy life, remember that you are human.

Everything is very fine with you and you are going through a natural process.

You are not a thought, you are a human aspect of reality experiencing thoughts.

See beauty in everything. Even in "evil".

Give yourself what you need, so that later on you can give it back to society a thousandfold.

Feel free to express "negative" emotions such as anger, sadness, pain, melancholy, loneliness, lust, hunger... Those are healthy reactions.

When you feel alone, connect with someone. I am here for you.

Edit: Oh sorry, I was replying to your first post on the thread. I see you are feeling very good now. :) Awesome!

Edited by Aquarius

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@CharlotteI’ve had my own dog walking/sitting business for a year or so now and can definitely understand what you mean. In fact it’s been a great tool for seeing what is attached/needy love vs unconditional 

recently watched this video about pets 

@Aquariusawesome words of advice dude! Lot of wisdom, easier said then done 

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@Aquarius @rounder (sorry rounder it keeps the tag there for some odd reason ?)

@Aquarius Thank you! Fully agree ❤️❤️

@DrewNows wow how's that going? Being surrounded by dogs all the time ? bet it's hard work walking all them different energies at the same time ? or do you get to know the dog on a personal level first? 

Thanks for the video. She made me realise a few things. Thank you ❤️

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I woke up to the darkness. It was blindingly dark. Utterly peaceful.

I didn't care what time it was, it was now. I was excited to get up and start living. There was a genuine excitement in my tummy just to get up. 

Dogs lay either side of my body. Harry noticed I started to stretch and wake up so he made his way up to me and lay on my tummy. He then creeped forward a little and rested his face right on my cheek. I melted with love. 

Yoga this morning ? My friend I met on Friday is coming also, she is good friends with the yoga teacher. 

I've noticed this year I have no desire to put up any Christmas decorations, not through being a humbug or whatever, I don't know. Even Christmas shopping this year has been chilled af. I'm not the type of person to ask for gift's or even desire any. If anything I find it's a time to think of others who have nothing or to think of people who have lost a beloved. 

I've just had a thought. I'm gonna research ways in which I could donate gifts to children/adults who have nothing. 

I was Christmas shopping the other day and I noticed how many people where begging or living homeless. If I have spare change I will always donate. My friend said. "They will use it for drugs you know." I replied "hmmm". Truthfully, I don't care what they spend it on, that's completely up to them and not for me to judge, non of my business. 

Anyway. 

Yes stubbing my toe a lot recently, this gives great opportunity to surrendering. Oh my gosh is it tough ? stub your toe, trap your finger, stand on a plug and watch the bodies immediate reaction. Tense tense tense. Transcend it. Relax and surrender in that precise moment. I've also been doing this a lot in the cold. If you fully surrender you can see that it's not happening TO YOU, it just becomes a sensation, like emotions for example. They're a happening. It's starts to feel like it's happening outside of 'you'. Takes practice but very insightful once mastered. 

 

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@CharlotteDog walking/sitting has been awesome. I haven't walked more than 5 at a time and normally walk 1-2 but yeah fascinating to learn about all the different personalities and quite the pleasure showing them some love playing fetch or running with em. The most fun ive had was picking up 3 dogs and taking them out to the park trails to hike/run with me, watching them all run around, play together and find ways to make my car a mess afterwards (water,mud). Beautiful creatures, especially seeing when they feel completely free 

The first dog i had stay with me, it was for a few weeks, and it gave me a strong emotional response when he had to go home. I had developed such an attachment and this was a huge hurdle i was able to clear, which has helped grow my awareness of the relationship i have with myself and relationships in general 

I have many dogs i walk regularly and sometimes i have meet and greet before i sit new dogs, but sometimes i just feel like the 'dog whisperer' xD

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It's very joyful watching you blossom. I enjoy this journal. Keep up the good (((((vibez)))))! :) 

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On 16/12/2018 at 8:14 AM, DrewNows said:

@CharlotteDog walking/sitting has been awesome. I haven't walked more than 5 at a time and normally walk 1-2 but yeah fascinating to learn about all the different personalities and quite the pleasure showing them some love playing fetch or running with em. The most fun ive had was picking up 3 dogs and taking them out to the park trails to hike/run with me, watching them all run around, play together and find ways to make my car a mess afterwards (water,mud). Beautiful creatures, especially seeing when they feel completely free 

The first dog i had stay with me, it was for a few weeks, and it gave me a strong emotional response when he had to go home. I had developed such an attachment and this was a huge hurdle i was able to clear, which has helped grow my awareness of the relationship i have with myself and relationships in general 

I have many dogs i walk regularly and sometimes i have meet and greet before i sit new dogs, but sometimes i just feel like the 'dog whisperer' xD

Oh man I can totally relate. When let them off the lead and just let them do whatever they want. How much does your heart fill? ?❤️

Oh that's brilliant!!

The dog whisperer ? 

Well it must be a very rewarding job. Well done by the way! Helping the animals to live their natural state (outside, free etc) ❤️

 

18 hours ago, rounder said:

I've read it all, I love every post! They made me smile, you're amazing good job!!

What if you just gave the homeless food instead? Though I like your none of my business attitude more, I've never thought that way, thanks for this.

Im so sorry what you went through with the dog, you're very strong.

You still getting sweet cravings? How often is dark chocolate okay? It's like my new favorite thing, i've only had a little so far but damn the energy and focus, and its soooo good

Cheers rounder! 

Why don't I buy them food? Erm... I get what your saying but I don't buy meat and the majority of food on offer is animal based. Also on top of that, I prefer to give them cash to do whatever they want with it or buy whichever food they personally prefer. 

Thanks again rounder. She will always have a place in my heart but to be perfectly honest, I felt the emotions so fully and raw they haven't actually stayed, they passed within a few days now just the loving memory of her remains ❤️

Sweet cravings are still there but yes totally feeling you with the dark choc. I usually buy 80% cocoa or more but the thing is with being vegan is any chocolate I do decide to have is usually dark anyway as it doesn't contain milk, so that's a win win ?

Have you tried cocao powder? That shit is well nice as a hot chocolate ?☕

@Aquarius Bless you lovely. Thank you so much. Much love to all of you ❤️❤️❤️

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okay so I'm definitely going through an ego backlash. Fuck knows why ?

I didn't finish watching all of Leo's video on ego backlash but I was called to it this morning and I ticked every box. By the end I was like. "Thank you leeeeoooooo." Just clarified everything for me. 

I notice I have around 2 a month. Maybe 1 a month. Sometimes short sometimes long. 

Little dickheads ?

So yoga yesterday was amazing. Not much to say on that front. Prana was a flowwwwwwing. 

Aching like a mother today though after the gym Saturday and yoga Sunday. I then took a walk with the dog yesterday, I crave them, they're like a meditation. ❤️

So after yoga I had a quick brew with my buddie then went food shopping, on the self service tills where people wait behind you, tap their foot or huff to hurry up, this actually the one place where I've practiced mindfulness a lot. In the past I used to rush for them, it gave me anxiety and unnecessary stress. But since starting PD (personal development) I got to a stage where I was able to observe the thoughts that arose whilst I was rushing, packing my shopping. This literally dissolved all the stress and anxiety. From that I took my time, naturally and packed my shopping consciously. 

Yesterday it has come back with the vengeance since this backlash ? I noticed the thoughts after I had packed, noticed my current state and went. "Fuck!" ? Leo mentioned this in the video this morning about too hard on yourself when your not mindful enough which then makes you feel worse. So glad to hear that this morning. So I've dropped the guilt and hard feelings on myself as of this morning and I'm going to get through this with so much self love. Feels so counterintuitive but right. 

Last day of college tomorrow for this year's term. Have another mock exam. With regards to college, I think I'm being too lax. I don't think I'm trying hard enough or taking this seriously enough. My friends at college like all know the ins and outs of their uni degree and what they need and I'm like ? I tend to just deal with 6months of study at a time and then when the time comes to applying for uni etc I'll manage it then. I don't know if I'm being to chill about this in a healthy way or too lazy and not taking it seriously enough. 

... I just thought about that for a while and I've realised I'm being too lazy, not taking it seriously enough. So yep, time to step up my game a bit and at least make some sort of plan instead of winging stuff ?

 

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@rounder you dont half make me laugh xD

Know what you mean dude. I had an idea as I'd spoken to people on here and heard a few other vids but I love how Leo went into super detail with this one. I was agreeing with everything. "Yep, yep yep." Suddenly felt less... Bad. Has it helped you rob? 

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Today... Another beautiful day. 

Tell you what though monkey mind is in full swing (get it?).

like I'm pretty sure I've noticed a pattern of when I'm due on the mind just will not shut up! Might be hormones or something idk. It's actually interesting to observe because I used to be this way all the time. It's hard work xD

Was walking today with the dogs and sometimes this 'thing' just happens... I'll be walking or doing whatever and like there's a massive shift in perspective for around 2 seconds. It hits me that hard I go "woah." I don't question it because it's happened that many times I'm just like meeeh. But I do notice my heart suddenly starts to pound. Definitely not a panic attack. 

Was talking with my friend yesterday about being a possible trip sitter for me in her house. I explained theres too much negative energy in my house from panic attack memories and that and she said she'd be up for it :ph34r: so that's sketched in for next year. The calling to do mushrooms still hadn't gone I'm still deeply called to them so ?

Talking about mushrooms look at the size of this I found today ? they're so beautiful! 

Also a beautiful pic I caught ? 

 

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This morning.

Woke at 6am, no alarm. 

Full of energy. Queen on whilst I sing my heart out and finish some chores.

This man's legendary.

I had a strong feeling for hunger which is weird for me because I fast everyday but since my body was hungry I ate an apple. 

My body seems to be able to recover so quickly from exercise pains, don't know if has something to do with a plant based diet or what but I remember back in the day when I was an omni it used to take me maybe a week to recover, now it's like 2 days. So that's a massive bonus. 

Been looking at Vipassana retreats for next year. Definitely mushrooms and Vipassana next year ? I'll need to quit my ecig before the Vipassana obviously otherwise it would be even further torture. This ecig habit has not stopped niggling at me. Absolutely sick of it. I've eradicated nearly every bad habit but this one is proving difficult. I know I can do it. The answer is do I want to? Yes and no... Ffs ?

Math mock exam today... Yaaaaay

???

 

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