Charlotte

The battle between heart and the self (fear)

531 posts in this topic

Okay so I came down a tummy bug. Not such a nice experience xD

Starting to pass now (yay). 

So I failed the mock exam by 2 point's which was inevitable really as I've been so lazy with maths. Really need to crack on with it over Christmas half term because my main exam is in January (15th I think). 

So yeah, I did go down to reception and go and speak to a couple of tutors regarding university and what I'll need to do to there. I have a slightly clearer image of my next steps. 

I'm willing to do whatever is needed to get to where I need to be. I think the job itself will take me away from home a lot but I'm peaceful with that. 

Mum ordered me a yoga mat last night as a Christmas gift. A beautiful looking mat made from cork from Scandinavia so I'm hoping to take my practice to the next level with this mat. Buying the right mat is literally like a potential bf/gf. You have to work together in order to create something beautiful otherwise it just won't work. 

Looking forward to the walking meditation today with the dogs as I weren't able to do it yesterday but I meditated in the morning during the stomach cramps and nauseous feeling which was not pleasant I have to admit xD but also interesting at the same time as it opened a door for more surrender practice. 

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OH MY GOD!!!!!! I can finally breath!!! 

I've been so busy over the past few days I'm actually emosh to just sit down. (Been helping mum helping my grandma with Christmas presents)

Been out shopping, driving and visiting relatives for 2 days.

I really cannot be around people and in public for too long, it actually drains me.

I need to sit on my own in silence to recharge. 

Sat here now in utter silence. It's like so fucking blissful ????

Dog's are asleep on the sofa, the gentle glow of the Christmas decorations in the background and I'm snuggled in a warm throw on my chair. I feel so lucky.

 

No where to go, no where to be ❤️

 

Last night I got in bed at like 12pm and I was shattered. I was literally almost asleep when a random panic attack came. I was like. "Wow, now? Really!" ? I touched my dog who was lying next to me in bed and grounded myself and it passed. Really random though. Only got as far as a hit of adrenaline in my chest but still... Bit awkward when I'm trying to sleep ?

Few days ago I watched a mini series on YouTube that Preetom posted in a thread. 

Game changer. 

I'm not even joking. 

It literally cuts out all the bullshit and gets straight to the point, very clearly. If you follow this series with an open mind, without thinking and remaining present it will definitely have some sort of impact. 

Since I watched that and went through the experiments I've noticed a change. 

E.g. 

This inner peace, stillness has been more forefront. No matter what situation I've been in. Usually... It would take me to do some deep breathing to get back to it but I'm now aware it's always there. Never left. It's just way more easily accessible now. It's very 'there' if you get what I mean. Like the hand at the end of the arm. It's just there. 

I'm going to go through the series again. Once weekly. Very powerful. 

Yesterday I took a beautiful walk. The dogs got out later than usual because I was busy but it was a blessing.

It was one of them evening's where the bird's where getting ready for bed, slightly drizzling and just getting dark. The whole walk was a deep meditation. I've also noticed since I've 'changed' the dogs behaviours have to. Prior to starting PD/Consciousness 'work' there was definitely a massive miscommunication with myself and the dogs. I was asleep. Since beginning this our relationships have blossomed into something that fills me with tears. They are so much happier. As am I. Same with family relationships, so much more authentic. I believe it's all because of unconditional love. Unconditional love sets us free. Being open, understating and accepting of everyone and everything is true freedom. 

Yoga tomorrow morning and Mum let me have my new Yoga mat early because she's a gem. I chose cork because it's the closest material I could get to being as natural as possible. 

I rolled it out this morning, placed my feet firmly at the top of the Mat, forward folded and could feel this was going to be the beginning of a beautiful journey with this mat. Very grateful and appreciative of this beautiful material ?

 

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Last night was beautiful. 

I got into bed and lit a couple of candles and meditated under the full moon, the sheer energy and light of the moon was very powerful majestic. 

I listened to Tibetan bowl singing again during the meditation but this one was slightly different from the last. It's as if I could feel the cells in my body vibrating. 

Things were randomly coming up during meditation also. My mind wanted to stop but it's a process of healing so I continued. 

Also for some odd reason, violent images of my niece arose, I didn't find them disturbing as there just thoughts but still ?

In the middle of the night I woke up. There was thoughts going around my head of love. I miss the connection between myself and a man. This is something I feel I've been subconsciously thinking about also. 

 I feel very peaceful this morning. Re-energised. 

Leo's released a video on self inquiry so I'm going to watch that then get ready for yoga. 

 

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Yoga first thing this morning. Got to try out my new Mat. 12/10. I can see this being the beginning of a long lasting relationship. 

During parts of yoga practice I cried... again ? but I left feeling extremely chilled, grounded and mindful. Lasted all day. I was shopping in an extremely busy supermarket and everyone was running round stressed out of their heads, banging into people, the energy was fierce. I felt as if I was stood in the middle of a storm unbelievably calm watching it unfold all around me. 

 

My friend messaged me saying she had a small gift for me which was lovely so I went to meet her and we had a natter over a brew. 

Came home and made a plant based fry up. Oh my god it was amazing ??

Going to go and seal the evening with meditation and self inquiry. 

Another beautiful day ❤️

 

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It's a dark morning, not only around me but internally to. The fog outside is low and dense and there's a lone bird singing. 

I can feel death, I can feel the heaviness, the stillness. 

I feel terribly numb but also terribly heavy and unable to move. My face feels frozen. 

Last night I had to put my childhood dog to sleep. 15 years he was in my life. 

11:30pm he had died. By 12:30am my dad was out in front garden in the pitch black burying his own dogs grave. 

I've never seen my dad cry. My dad held him in his arms whilst they inserted the euthanasia. My mum and dad have looked after and took responsibility of that dog right to his last breath. He had diabetes, he went blind, he had a tumour, they took care of everything and did everything they could as human beings. 

I have the up most respect for my parents.

 

I wish I could take the pain away for my mum. She's an absolute mess. I wish I could take it away for her. He was her best friend. Her company, her loyal dog. 

Seeing her in this state is killing me. 

Seeing my dad in this state is killing me. 

Although at the same time you have absolutely no idea how grateful I am he went so peacefully. Not a flinch. I cried with joy as his last moments was peaceful. I knew he was ready. 

2 weeks ago yesterday I watched my grans dog die. That was traumatic. Even the nurse said last night the dogs response to what she went through was rare. It was fucking awful honestly. 

I've hardly slept. 2 hours maybe. I have to put on a fake smile today, that's going to be the hardest. 

I'll never forget this Christmas.

 

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@Charlotte I LOVE these meditation tracks you post here, Ive had a busy day of straining work and I need a break, so I come here to revisit one of the earlier tracks you posted here, and now you have posted another one! Just wanted to thank you for this, and its much more connecting and fun to listen to this special track rather than searching randomly on youtube because I know it has made wonders for somebody special :x 

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@Igor82 Aaaaaarw Igor I'm so glad to hear your using them and loving them. How sweet are you? ? Your such a kind loving being Igor. Thank you for your beautiful words ❤️

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@Igor82  (ignore tag sorry)

Okaaaaaaaaaaay... 

So the past couple of days have been interesting. Love and sadness is the theme. I feel they go hand in hand. 

I've felt such a deep and profound love for my parents over the past few days. I've literally not stopped holding them and loving them. I've been crying for the sadness of my parents and crying for their pain. I've also never felt so close to them in my entire life. 

I received a raw tourmaline crystal as a Christmas gift and as of yesterday it's been hanging around my neck. 

I've not been thinking at all about it there but today I realised the difference it's made. I was always a little bit skeptical about crystals but I have to say I've completely changed my mind. 

The initial grieving process I was going through was somewhat roller coaster like in the beginning but since I placed this on my body it's been a complete change. 

Definitely much more grounded, calmer and less erratic in thought. The grieving just became smoother. 

I mean literally that morning the grieving process was awful and after a few hours (when I placed it on my neck) I've come to realise, it literally changed within a matter of hours.

 

 

I just feel like journalling a load of shit here tonight so that's what I'm going to do. 

This morning my dad called and asked if I fancied a walk, he needed it he said. So I jumped at the chance (obvs).

As we were walking a thought popped into my head about a friend I've not seen in say 6 months. 

No shit, I walked up the hill and guess who's approaching us? Yep. The friend. Flabbergasted I was. 

This seems to be coming a frequent thing... 

I'm thinking things and people are actually saying them out loud. I'm like ? (shocked).

So me and dad continued our walk after I petted my friend's dog to death for an hour and we had such a beautiful walk. It was a stunning day. Greyish white clouds, around 8°c, slight chill, dense air, no wind. Just stunning. The bird's around us seemed so grateful for the milder air. I was happy for them. We arrived at subway, had a deep chat about my dad's fears and why they occur and continued back home. 

Came back home, dogs waiting for their walk as per, took them out. Another beautiful walk. This time though I noticed the muscles in the front of my hips where starting to feel strained again. This has been an issue from my when I injured myself with groin strain. The groin strain is still there and it hinders my yoga practice. I know why it happened. I was doing to much yoga but like it still hasn't healed from like July. Thinking about going seeing a chiropractor because I'm unsure of how to heal the strain and continue yoga without causing futher injury. I know it's my own fault though so I'll deal with the consequences and learn from it which I have. 

After the dog walk I came in and cleaned up etc and fancied singing, I felt there was an underlying emotion I just couldn't identify that needed attention and singing seems to address this. I popped on my favourite track and sang my heart out. 

Thoughts of tripping came up again. Keep getting these frequent thought's of a mushroom trip that needs to happen. There sat waiting for me in the back of the cupboard

I can actually feel the calling. 

It's like pestering me, poking me with a stick. I do for some reason though feel less fear around this compared to what I used to feel. In the past there was still this feeling of uncertainty but now I feel pulled to the calling with love. 

It feels like love is waiting for me. There's something waiting for me, something huge and unimaginable. 

 

This evening's meditation was also slightly interesting. 

I saw this hand on my shoulder (eyes closed) with big black claws, I saw a face turn to it and then in another part of awareness I saw this pattern starting to form, this like... Erm... How would I explain it... I can't think of anything to describe it. It was insanely clear but I can't think of words. 

Also this massive random image of a praying mantis's eye appeared. Like huuuuuge and so clear. 

Fear then arose for a short while but I surrendered to it. 

In a weird sort of way I feel I'm no longer being frightened by fear. It's starting to become a non issue.

I feel so grounded and safe in the being that it's not frightening me anymore. Love will actually conquer all. 

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Thanks Charlotte, I am inspired to start Journaling once I return home. It is something I have never done before but I can see how it can be beneficial for expression and reflection. I don’t see any benefit in using it for  accountability but sharing is also  great. Life is such a beautiful thing 

I did not intentionally start following your journal but glad I did ??

Edited by DrewNows

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@DrewNows Good idea! I'm sure it will be beneficial to you in one way or another :)

Life is beautiful your absolutely right brother ❤️

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I woke at 7am with around 6 hours sleep. I got up because an early morning routine is very important to me and I knew if I would of slept in I would of jeapordised this so I forced myself up. 

I looked out the window and the fog was so incredibly dense so early. It was still dark. 

I was pulled towards an early morning walk so I threw my gear on, filled up some bag's of peanuts and bird feed and made my way out. 

I left my phone at home but it was honestly incredibly beautiful and magical. 

ill definitely be doing this again tomorrow morning. 

I feel like being very productive today so I'm going to bag up lots of old clothes and fill the car with stuff for the tip to be recycled. 

I've also had a thought about what to do for new years eve. I'm seriously thinking about going somewhere with some of my mushrooms and taking a small dosage. Just to break me in. This could be the stupidest thing ever or the best thing ever but there's only one way to find out xD 

This trip calling has not left me since I grew them. I have to do this...

But we'll see ?

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What an absolutely amazing day! 

Wow. I'm gutted it's over xD

 

When I finished updating the journal I felt like doing Yoga so I rolled out my mat and got to it. I participated in a very slow vinyasa flow practice and my god did I cry some on the mat. It was that type of release where your chest lifts as your about to cry. So deep, so powerful. 

I then decided to grab the remainder of the carrots (for the rabbits) and take a walk up to the nearest reservoir with the dogs. 

What a walk. 

It was a peaceful breathtaking walk. 

I was so happy and content on the way back I popped some Depeche mode in my ears and literally skipped down lane xD

I actually skipped! 

... And then boogied in the middle of a field. 

To me, this is living. Nothing to be happy about, nothing imparticular, just happy with the actual moment. 

I've felt ALIVE all day. So unbelievably grateful, blessed and in love. 

The day followed the same theme. 

❤️ Beautiful, thank you breath ❤️

 

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6 hours sleep. Second day in a row I've been very active throughout the day and been able to happily function with 6 hours. I used to be solid on an 8 hour kip. Maybe I don't need as much? I'll observe throughout the day. 

 

Upon wakening I had it in my head I wanted another early morning stroll. Even though I felt kinda lazy I threw my gear on and went out. 

I sat on the bench enjoying a lovely brew. Being. 

I carried on walking and met a few absolutely amazing people. They had a dog that looked like my childhood dog that's recently passed. The dog gave me huge kisses and I noticed her breath smelt just like diesels (childhood dog). I said my goodbyes and then I cried because I felt incredibly sad. 

I carried on walking through fields and I passed the most beautiful random donkey. I just wanted to cuddle him ❤️

I know I've said this one million times but I'll make it a million and one. 

Walking outside in nature provides something that's unimaginable. I literally cannot put it into words. 

It's a gift. 

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Okay so 6 hours is not enough. Went to sleep at 9pm last night and woke at 04:41am this morning so I got a decent sleep. 

I definitely felt tired yesterday for a short while. A chilled sort of tired. 

Yesterday we went to our local vet's who was unaware that our dog had passed. The lady that owns the vet's really went all out with diesel when he was alive. She took him home some night's to watch his progress. She was very close with him. 

We brought her in flowers and a card to thank her for what she did for diesel. No vets would do what she did. 

She printed off diesel's report from the out of hours vets and assured us they did all they could. My mum needed clarity on the situation. We was still in the dark to what was actually killing him. Turns out it was more than likely an undetected tumour in his pancreas somewhere.

My mum walked out of the vet's looking like a different woman. You could see the mental weight that had lifted from within her. Her mind was rested now, the road block removed. She smiled in such a way I hadn't seen for a long time and I was overjoyed for her. I gave her the biggest hug ever.

After the vets I came home to rest. I then sat to meditate... Monkey mind was fucking erratic this evening xD 

I then went to sleep. Had the most peaceful sleep. I've actually noticed I hardly dream anymore. Well I might do but I don't remember them. I used to dream most nights. 

 

Anyway, this morning I'm going for another walk round a popular lake. Going to pick up some frozen peas from the shop to feed the geese and go and walk round the lake in the dark. 

When I get back I will have to study. I have my end of course maths exam when I go back to college and I ain't ready. I need to prioritize this. This is super important. I'm going to go to my local library to study there. 

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Music and singing is something that I've always deeply resonated with. It's an unspoken language. Singing has been something I've done from early primary school. 

I used to come home from high school and sing my heart out all evening. It was my therapy. 

I listen and sing to music every day. 

Singing has also become another tool on the tool belt for self actualising practices.

'Lose yourself in the music'

Tunage of the month - 

Loving this track, holds a deep message for me. 

 

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Wow this IS my MOM’s jam ?!!! 

She loves this artist, it makes me smile and reminds me I need to show her more love ❤️? 

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Today was awesome. 

I went to the local lake at 07:20am with a friend and we walked and sat bird watching in a little hut. It was amazing. She doesn't mind me walking in silence, she understands ❤️

Got back, took the doggo out for a walk and then went to the park with my niece. We had such fun. We swang together talking in this big round swing talking about things that are invisible. She asked what's invisible. I said your mum and dad. She said.. huh? ? I said can see them right now? She said no, I said well they're invisible then aren't they? She said OH YEAH! xD slipping in non dual teachings to a four year old :P We had so much fun on this swing together. I laughed so much my stomach hurt. I felt like a kid.

I got back and had the hottest bath I've ever had. Suprise I didn't cook in there ? Meditating eye's shut whilst your ears are just under the water is brilliant. 

I will do nothing but rest this evening. My knees are trying to tell me something. Quite a lot of pain in the knees which I don't understand because I've lost 6 stone, I'm now at a healthy weight and I'm active af ? I shall book an appointment with the Dr. 

❤️ Thank you breath for another beautiful day. Thank you feet for carrying me ❤️

 

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