Igor82

180 Day NeverNut

139 posts in this topic

Day 6 & 7: 1/10, 2/10

Life: Yesterday I woke up late and went to sleep really late, but not due to distracting myself too much, I actually worked that night.

Before that, I ate at this restaurant called Koizen, its a high-end omekase sushi restaurant here in Sweden, and I paid 100$ for the whole thing. The experience was life changing, worth every penny. When you are present and aware in that kind of an atmosphere, you are in for a playful and living adventure. That experience has opened doors of new potential for me in regards to cooking, but also my capacity to enjoy the beauty of food! I have this bad habit of mindlessly eating my meals, turning a blind eye to the potential of enjoying the incredible feminine energy the food experience has to offer!! This is also probably what makes me so frustrated, unconscoisly and constantly turning a blind eye to the embracement of the infinite potential of feminine energy that reality holds around me.

 

NoFap: Has been going smoothly. I had a couple of cravings today that actually was not related to distraction. I didnt get swayed by this and instead started to focused completly on the task at hand (My weekly cleaning job), and without the distracting thoughts, I was able to connect into a quite fulfilling and playful and insightful flow!

This experience motivates me even more to double down on doing complete and successful schedules, because I know that the schedules are constructed perfectly by me, for me to induce flow and playfulness!

 

 

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Good on you for treating yourself to that meal bro. It sounds like it enabled you to appreciate the act of actually eating more and you did it with much more mindfulness, taking the experience to a whole new level. We take these every day acts for granted and we miss so much. 

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Nice. I remember being on 13 years of no nut, it's been nutting non stop since then.🥜


Truth is stranger than fiction.

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Day 11: 6/10 - Relapse

Leading up to day 11 has was easy, 1/10, but this was "one of those days". It's quite funny, because those days are usually the lowest point of consciousness Ill reach on my journey nowadays. Leading up to today though, I revisited the video games, I wanted to have some fun on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I like to play Minecraft as I have some decent skills and knowledge about the game, but also as it is multiplayer-based and in certain servers you can enjoy great success if you are good enough. For example, some servers are made to soothe your ego, they value fame, economy and material growth, and as there are other players there with you, it feels real. I ended up doing really great within the server (and if you do good enough they will pay you money), and I worked on it for 15 hours across 2 days. It sapped my strength and after the sessions, I experienced a lot of suffering, because I essentially over-used the video games in order to distract myself, but I had to face reality at some point. I deleted the game soon enough and left with a couple of insights:

  • The in-game success (even though I got on 2 hours as much as a normal player would get in 1 month) is not fulfilling. The best moment of the game was actually when I gave all of my stuff away to the other players as I had enough of the game. It felt good being praised in game and such, but as I observed myself in the heat of that moment, I was not really fulfilled, I actually suffered.
  • Being a success machine was grueling work! It was not fun, it was pretty boring, to say the least. Pursuing maximum success ain't fun.
  • My real life success (within my schedules) is magnitudes more fulfilling than playing the game. Of course! I'm just staring at a screen escaping reality, the success I had there only felt neurotic.

So, I woke up late today without the motivation to do anything at all, and I noticed a hidden craving taking place. I wanted to fantasize. This craving was like an ordinary urge, but then it got kind of embedded into my subconscious as a mission, as a path I'm committing to. It felt as though I would have to do something else quickly or else It would lead myself into a relapse. But I was not conscious enough in that moment and so went on to fantasize, then on to touch my dick, and then I relapsed. But it all began with that single urge, coming forth in my weakest moment. I can see myself being able to resist the urge, only if I had enough motivation to do something else.

Then I cleaned myself up, but I had to do the Kriya yoga, and it was 3 pm, which made me feel that I would not achieve anything else that day, it made me feel that the Kriya would not be worth it, so I decided to escape it, and once again that urge came, that subconscious craving came forth for me to go watch youtube on my laptop in order for me to eventually watch porn. And so I went along the same old patterns and wasted 1-hour watching porn and eventually relapsing into it. The relapse there was so that I could just take myself out of the loop and go for a run because I knew that I would not be able to stop otherwise.

  • What have I learned?
  • Well, I now intimately know that if I'm weak enough to give in to the urge, then I have lost, then I'm not gonna be able to summon the strength to get out of the loop, by the same reasons I got into the loop in the first place, so, I need to commit to my schedule even more, at least wake up early as this has been a persisting problem the last few days that has severely crippled me. 
  • I have also implemented much stronger distraction limitations that will buy me more time if I even find myself in the claws of a subconscious urge again.

I know that I will commit to this and solve the problem, and thus I know that "one of those days" will actively be prevented. As "one of those days" is the only thing that will make me relapse (sub 10 days), I know that I will be streaking pretty soon. Then I will meet the next threshold barrier which will be the deficiency need of sex, but I will deal with that soon as well (sexual transmutation; I will sill NeverNut).

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@Igor82 Do you think the issue is more to do with how you're nutting. i.e using porn, rather than the actual nutting itself? I find using porn all the time make you feel kind of low and you worry you're devaluing women or objectifying them. Just wondering. 

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@Wisebaxter The issue is porn, yes, but nutting would make me crave porn! The issue with porn is that it locks me into the addiction, it makes my mind geared towards pursuing porn and preferably nothing else, and that creates a lot of friction. Porn makes me crave PMO much more. But if I nut in of itself (considering that I nut and nothing else) then that would not have too much of an impact, (nutting every week or so). The issue with nutting (for me) is that its a gateway for porn, but it also keeps me away from enjoying the benefits of nonut. I have tried just nutting as a way to solve my addiction, and that actually lead me to streak! But at the moment, I feel like solving my lifestyle problems will hit 2 birds with one stone. I feel like it will make me streak but also get me on track with my purpose at the same time, so Im going for NoNut rather than NoPorn.

Day 1: 4/10

Today was one of those days again. I woke up late with no motivation at all to do anything (I went to sleep later than anticipated the night before with food in my belly), but I didn't relapse! Even though it was just as tempting as the day before. I have learned my lesson and so I was a little more productive than the day before. I had some more of those special cravings I mentioned yesterday, but I got out of them. This feels much like an ego-backlash, but ill keep trying. This time I will go to sleep without food in my belly, waking up to a good schedule for tomorrow.

I have observed that one of my core strengths is that I can not do something the same way over and over again if it does not work, but even if it does work, im always focused on improving what im doing in one way or another. I always need to find a new and better way of doing things if I see that what im doing is not working. I am essentially going out of my way to not do the same mistake over again without gaining any benefit from doing so, im in this constant need for growth, wanting to learn how to do things properly. "Learning" is one of my core strengths.

 

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Posted (edited)

@Igor82

1 hour ago, Igor82 said:

The issue is porn, yes, but nutting would make me crave porn! The issue with porn is that it locks me into the addiction, it makes my mind geared towards pursuing porn and preferably nothing else, and that creates a lot of friction. Porn makes me crave PMO much more. But if I nut in of itself (considering that I nut and nothing else) then that would not have too much of an impact, (nutting every week or so). The issue with nutting (for me) is that its a gateway for porn, but it also keeps me away from enjoying the benefits of nonut. I have tried just nutting as a way to solve my addiction, and that actually lead me to streak! But at the moment, I feel like solving my lifestyle problems will hit 2 birds with one stone. I feel like it will make me streak but also get me on track with my purpose at the same time, so Im going for NoNut rather than NoPorn.

Just like most of us you've made a connection between nutting and porn that is really hard to break. This is because porn gets you off so easily. I remember those wanks back in the day, before porn, where you'd be tugging at it for ages and eventually give up and go and nurse your sore dick. Nowadays the stimulation you get from porn is insane, especially as you can always find something new if your current fetish goes stale. 

Have you tried using your imagination to nut? If you really feel like busting one? Like, maybe fantasise about your perfect woman, having a really romantic night and then making love to her under the stars. That way you're keeping the image of women more sacred in your mind and not risking them being objectified so much. It might even work as a law of attraction type thing to attract your perfect girl to you. This fantasy might be hard at first if you're used to be overstimulated by porn. She might yell 'stick it in my ass!' or something lol. It will take some practice. 

I read that ejaculation from time to time can be healthy. I think that eventually your body will just cause you to have a wet dream as it likes to keep a clean load in there. But that will be after a few weeks I can confirm that did happen to me when I gave it up for ages. 

I can't help but think that the fact we've associated porn with masturbation/ejaculation has put us off of carrying out what's essentially a natural bodily process. 

Edited by Wisebaxter

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Posted (edited)

So I haven't read all your post, but I get the impression that you focus too much on this issue. I am somewhere beyond 150 days of nofap now and I don't think a lot about it and I didn't since the beginning. 

Maybe focusing less on it will benefit you. You can try to post half of what you are doing now in this journal. You don't need to, but maybe this can help you? 

You say a strength of yours is trying over and over without giving up. I honestly admire this ability! 

Edited by Marinus

Check out my channel :ph34r:

https://youtu.be/0uZJOhDxHzs

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@Wisebaxter Back in the days I used to go to the school toilet and try to find that "perfect fantasy" that would get me off. I would usually sit there for an hour or so during the breaks. I don't do much intentional masturbation to fantasizing, sometimes I do the visualization itself but I have never really tried both at the same time, I highly doubt it will benefit me. But what did benefit me back when I did my last 6-month streak (ending about a year ago) was "spiritual masturbation" which is masturbation without thinking but rather to feel into it as much as possible, doing it slowly. After I have not watched porn for 6 months, the only faps I did was these "spiritual faps" which then just made me realize that it was not worth it! Maybe I should incorporate this method again. Nowadays I never give myself leeway to fap intentionally, I usually relapse only if my willpower to resist it runs out...

  • @Marinus Contemplation:
  • It's like fear of mine, and even if I'm streaking, even if my schedule goes all well, there is this nagging fear in the back of my mind, a fear of relapse, the fear of waking up in a rut. It seems like I'm treating a relapse like the end of the world, maybe because I'm treating a streak like the only thing that will bring me to my dreams. Why?
  • It seems like I'm so out of touch with my authentic purpose that I have assigned the source of my strength to NoFap rather than the positive motivation of my purpose. If I would truly be living my life purpose I would be streaking but even if I would relapse to porn one day, that would not hinder my motivation to work! But right now, it does.
  • If I relapse nowadays its because my work is so damn difficult that I sometimes need to escape it, but doesn't that mean that the fault lies in the difficulty of my work rather than the actual relapse itself? Maybe. If I apply a strong sense of purpose into my work then I can see myself working more without thinking about PMO all the time because I can trust that my purpose is always more preferable! I can trust that ultimately the good will prevail.
  • Why do I fear a relapse? Because I know that im capable of diluting myself into one, but why is that not okay? If I relapse, I feel back at square one, maybe it is that I'm banging my head against the wall but not seeing any progress in what I'm doing, and so the only way I see the progress is in how many days I have not fapped, because that means that my purpose is "finally prevailing!" I'm trying to do everything all at once, its either a perfect schedule or a bad day, I'm still working on getting that morning routine to work and that has hindered me to do the crucial work that comes after the morning routine is done, and its precisely in that work which I am measuring my results, and I have not done that work for like a month now. Im doing the Kriya every single day which in turn backlashes me back into oblivion. But im progressing, this needs to be done, there is no way around it. This is much harder than I thought it would be, but its just a matter of time.
    • Action steps: Prioritizing my life purpose work, prioritizing visualization, attempting to implement leeway for spiritual masturbation rather than a porn relapse, keep trying really hard.
  • Regarding your question though, maybe it would be helpful if I would keep my posts shorter as I also have some emotional labor attached to writing these posts, and that makes me think about them more. If I would just write about the most valuable insights that I get rather than trying to update the journal for the sake of the audience then that would be much easier, I'm gonna try to do this right now actually:

 

Day 0

  • I relapsed 3 times the last 3 days. one of them was really insightful, the other ones were me distracting myself.
  • I did spiritual masturbation where I completely surrendered my genitals, my body was really relaxed and it felt like my penis didn't even exist, I completely surrendered all that tension. This made me last much longer, but I can also see the potential of this! What resulted from this was just the regular old pleasure, but as I was grounded at the moment without using the pleasure to escape something, I could see how useless the pleasure was! The real potential of the erection lies in how much love you can fill your partner with, in that bed full of electricity and passion. But even that scenario is not that useful... for a man, he would always prefer his purpose, and at that moment I could see how that made sense.

For the last few days, my awareness has increased by a lot. The Kriya yoga is paying off, and now I can see how the ego tries to suppress that awareness! I can see how I'm trying to backlash myself every day.

My problem is definitely distraction, but that comes from my work being so grueling and life-changing. But I can't half-ass the work! I need to keep doing just like this until it gets easier or something. Just gotta keep going, I'm not giving up, I'm just weak at the moment. Stronger on Monday though, I promise.

 

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Posted (edited)

@Igor82 Maybe nofap is an arena where you can create a feeling of succeeding at something as it feels like you're progressing when you're not fapping. But why exactly are you so adverse to doing it? Were you fapping multiple times a day perhaps? 

Could it be that nofap has become almost a new addiction for you? 

I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but is there any way you could remove the guilt from the activity? Could you fap every day for a week and not give a shit? 

The Sedona method is very good. You ask Can I live with this? Can I let this go? Will I let this go? When will I let this go? You can answer yes or no to any question, it doesn't matter, just keep doing it. 

In my experience it's the guilt that locks us into a habit, the neurosis behind it. 

But yeah, definitely try posting less, see if that helps. 

Also make a note of every time you either think about fapping or nofap during the day, to get an idea of how much its dominating your consciousness.

You said you need to wind down after work. Is your job quite stressful then? 

Edited by Wisebaxter

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Posted (edited)

On 3/17/2019 at 7:04 AM, Good-boy said:

Nice. I remember being on 13 years of no nut, it's been nutting non stop since then.🥜

lol Good boy needs to go back to those glory days.

Does Good boy have another championship reign in him left? xD 

Edited by Preetom

''Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather''

- Bill Hicks

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I just watched the movie "Leon"  and I think it's my new favorite movie, I almost cried at the end, the movie is such a work of art. In a sense, I am just like Leon, sometimes I live my life without love, without enthusiasm, sometimes I do things, searching for something, searching for the taste of life. Mathilda in that movie showed Leon the taste of life and the force of love and she indirectly forced Leon to open himself up to that rather than keep being closed off by the rigid lifestyle he lived before. She gave him a taste of purpose, she showed him how to love and he developed a new taste for life!

At this moment in my life, im so out of touch with that muse, out of touch with letting loose and opening myself up to love! I create these rigid rules that bound me, but in a sense, that is necessary for me to cultivate love in the first place, but in another sense, it makes me focus too much on the rules without considering the love, and that makes it all fall apart. I tend to cut many things out, I keep trying to avoid girls, porn, my family, my addictions, video games, even my work, just to keep my life in check. As im all alone on this journey, I am driven by the fear of letting loose, and as following certain rules with discipline is the ultimate freedom, sometime in the attempt of doing that I can't manage to set my love free. I sometimes see myself being strong and stoic, neutral and faceless, but I don't have the strength to be vulnerable and to love freely. Maybe I have misunderstood what my life is really about. Im just like Leon, confused, putting myself through these rigid rules trying to find my heart, dealing cards as a meditation... 

I want to love you, I want to love my family, my sister, myself, my fears, my addictions, I want to love death, I want to love what im doing! I want to be free, boundless to love everything. I guess this desire leads me all along, entrusting me into these rigid rules and schedules for the sake of love. I want to do exactly what I do now, but I want to love it! I want to live it, I want to see the beauty of it, I wanna cry, I want to express my love, I see how I have built everything to be on track to fulfill that, but the only one standing in the way is myself. I might have to die, making this come true. Killing myself for the sake of love... ahh, Leon <3

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3 hours ago, Igor82 said:

I just watched the movie "Leon"  and I think it's my new favorite movie, I almost cried at the end, the movie is such a work of art. In a sense, I am just like Leon, sometimes I live my life without love, without enthusiasm, sometimes I do things, searching for something, searching for the taste of life. Mathilda in that movie showed Leon the taste of life and the force of love and she indirectly forced Leon to open himself up to that rather than keep being closed off by the rigid lifestyle he lived before. She gave him a taste of purpose, she showed him how to love and he developed a new taste for life!

YEEEEESS! I love this movie too. It's a masterpiece. I love how a psychopathic hit-man can be in a heart-melt romance with a little girl and it all feels totally normal.

Alt-J made a tribute song that is also quite good. :D
 

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Day 2:

It is time for an update!

Life: Being less rigid with this journal definitely helps! I realize that I don't need to post in this journal every single day if I don't feel like it, for this to be healthy I must prioritize practicality over self-imposed obligations. Previously I would feel guilty if I didn't post here because my initial commitment was to post here every day as I thought that posting in this accountability every day was what my success with NoNut hinged upon. I am growing out of that mindset, I am letting loose:

If I start from the bottom up, doing my day without the guilt of "not doing enough" I see that I am actually savoring the moment much more and I feel much better doing every task! I must enter my schedule with a mindset that allows me to do the schedule on point, but also without having my daily success hinging on the schedule, not having to guilt myself into doing the schedule because -just as with this journal- I assumed that the schedule is the only thing that will motivate me to do these hard things. A schedule is actually just a certain structure I can impose on a day to make it as efficient as possible, but my motivation to do Kriya Yoga should not hinge upon the success of a schedule, because then the Kriya itself will become boring and soulless as my motivation lies in doing a schedule correctly, rather than what Kriya will directly benefit me with.

Im still trying my best to do the schedules as that's the most efficient way, but what this period of failure has shown me is to appreciate my daily tasks for what they directly do for me because I have gotten more in touch with the suffering that arrives if I distract myself from doing my daily tasks. It's actually much easier for me to do a schedule rather than distracting myself the whole day long. It's just some fear to push through.

 

NoFap: I have fapped to porn several times since the last update, but now im more in touch with the actuality of it rather than having a veil of guilt covering me from actually seeing for myself why PMO is bad! Writing less in this journal has definitely helped to remove the guilt to reveal the actuality of this addiction; If I fap, I tend to get more tired and drained, weaker and with less "Oumph!", doing my daily thing essentially becomes more difficult for me to do and while cravings come now and then but also a lot more thoughts of PMO permeating my consciousness, subconsciously driving me to perpetuate the addiction. As I see more of where this cycle leads me, I more naturally choose to let go of cravings and thoughts as I can more strongly anticipate the good life that lies beyond them.

 

Im gonna work hard on my schedules, Im gonna wake up early tomorrow. A guy has moved into our apartment so out financial issues are resolved but also puts another atmosphere for me to work in. Summer is on its way! The breakthrough is slowly approaching as Im solving the roots of my problems.

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Day 0

Yesterday I broke my 9-day streak after watching porn and today I gave into the caving of watching porn and playing with my genitals to pass time; a recipe for weaksauce. These relapses really felt unavoidable, yesterday I didn't do anything else than distract myself with an iPad, relaxing in a couch the rest of the day where I woke up at noon. Today I relapsed once for pretty much the same reasons. And so I have arrived at the crucial insight that I have to create momentum in my schedule, to get my habits going so that the distractions won't get to me, and I know that my motivation lies in me seeing how capable I am of doing this and succeeding this battle. I just need to get some momentum, get the actions flowing! I can as clearly as ever see how NoNut will become effortless with the support of my schedules. 

Im gonna walk my talk, just you wait.

 

I am becoming more conscious, very slowly but steadily. Im at least getting more and more aware of how im deluding myself and of the lies that I spin. I attended a party the recent weekend which caused me to derail the momentum of 3 awesome days of work (topped off with an excellent piano performance within an orchestra, a life-changing experience within my music career.)

 

Authenticity:

  • At the party I tried to be more authentic because I started getting aware (intentionally) of the different masks I start wearing in different social situations, for example, if I talk my native language (Swedish) with my mother, that would represent one certain social mask that I can wear, and a different one would be the mask I wear when I talk to my sister, and another one is for my father, and another one is for when I talk English with friends at the party and some more masks appear when I change the dialect to Russian or Swedish or American (while still talking English).
  • Now, which one of these is my authentic self? 
  • At one instance at the party I caucht myself being so "not myself" that I revolted. So, to get myself closer to my authentic self, I tried replicating my "neutral self", I put on the mask that I would wear when I would be talking to my mother, as I figured it would be more authentic based on how spontaneous that mask made me act... but how do I know that even that is "more authentic"? I guess my authentic personality lies prior to the masks I wear. Instead of representing myself through the mask, I represent the mask trough myself, in a more spontaneous way. I notice that I automatically wear my social masks when I feel a certain way, e.g I change dialect depending on my mood, depending on how I feel in that moment.
  • I don't know the Truth, so I can not tap into true authenticity, but I intuit that I get closer to my true personality the more I stop lying. If I intentionally wear a mask, then im not authentic! Because then I put on a mask over my true personality. But if I take away all the masks, wont I just be silent? No! Because then I reveal my true face!
  • What is a mask? Its actually a thought process that intends to spawn certain behaviors for a certain reason. If I let go of the mask (the thoughts) then Im more authentic! Why am I not the mask itself? Because im the observer of it. How does this translate into behavior? The fewer thoughts spawned while "behaving", the more authentic that behavior is.
  • I found that the observing the thoughts that come up when I behave a certain way (rather than engaging within the thought stream), draws a line between my authentic self and the mask, and so by observing the mask, acknowledging it as a mask, dissolves it. 
  • "Being yourself" does not equal selfishness, these are actually the opposite!! If you are selfish, you will spawn and follow through on plans in your mind of how to serve yourself, and that makes you intentionally (unconsciously) engage in a certain behavior that serves that purpose, and that is just a mask you put on, the selfish mask. Being yourself = Being spontanious, not thinking, thoughtless behavior.
  • The kinds of thoughts you can obey and engage in goes very deep. You can obey urges, you can obey intentions, you can obey deception and lies and not being authentic. True authenticity requires prenetrating the deepest lie into truth. Conscoiusness and antuehenticity goes hand in hand.

 

I have loosened up, its almost as though im seeing trough my rigidness. I see that the rigidness is causing me suffering and so I just can't help but letting go of it. If I would wake up at noon 6 months ago, I would suffer immensely due to my self-imposed rigidness, but now if I would wake up at noon I would still probably achieve the same results that day as I would 6 months ago just without the suffering and rather with acceptance. Im not saying that im letting go of my habits and quitting, I still have my purpose in mind, im generally trying my best! Im just letting go of my self imposed negative motivation which causes me alot of suffering.

 

 

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Time for an update. Honestly, I have not felt the need to update this journal. I have been loosening up:

What do I mean by loosening up? Well, Im essentially letting go of all my self-imposed negative motivation while still being goal oriented. Instead of hinging my progress on how hard I beat myself up, im rather hinging my progress on my actual progress, on how good I will feel if I follow my positive motivations.

It has given results. My desire to live the good life has increased, which boils down to me having more motivation to do my schedules. I have loosend up alot of neurotisicm within my routines which now makes them more manageable, for example not overdoing Kriya Pranayama, not overdoing my excersize, loosening up my schedule to make it look more like a to-do list which does not make my motivation being neurotically dependent upon my schedule being perfect, etc.

I can easily dilute myself here and go play video games and binge porn, but the catch is that I will suffer for it! And the more I get drawn towards my positive motivations, the more I experience how all these distractions are limiting me. Its an intimate process, im learning what should be done trough direct experiance, as opposed to what Leo says in his videos about what should be done. If I skip my Kriya yoga, I will suffer alot. If I eat aomething unhealthy, I directly experience suffering.

I feel like I will have to go trough this process of intimately and more authentically getting in touch with my positive and negative drives while exploring trough subjective experience why they work. Im actually very productive this way. I simply suffer so much by distracting myself that I just do the work instead.

NoFap: Day 2: I had a 6 day streak that got busted 2 days ago, I have not fapped since. Now im more than ever in touch with the suffering that comes with PMO. I can see how it makes me objectify women, it makes me restless, hungry, tired, etc. All of these reminders washes over me instantly whenever I crave for PMO nowadays, and that surely summons some results! I want to depend my PMO motivation on authenticity + my values - on what I have experienced and what I want to experience. I have found that this slowly but surely gets the job done.

Ill try to post here more regularely, supported by the progress of my routines. This is an update of what I have been going the last 2 weeks which has hindered me from posting. I have actually never felt more free.

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Since my last post, I have been quite productive! Loosening up has paid off as now I can -with increasing clarity-see how my suffering works. If I know how im causing my suffering, a huge chunk of the unconscious suffering gets outsourced into certain choices... I know that I will feel bad by eating junk food, so should I eat that or should I eat something healthy? While loosening up, I consider my improvement to reside in how many good choices I can make every day. I still have a vision for the future which I am just following now less rigidly.

One day I became so burdened by all the cravings for porn and video games in combination with missing out some days of Kriya yoga that I just couldn't take it anymore, a force from within overpowered the lower self to get my shit back together, and so I deleted all the games down to the root, cleaning up my computer and then sorting out my goals. I craved to take a direct path towards what im after with all of this, and that boiled down to simply to finish the life purpose!

For the last few days, I have been thinking a lot about my strengths daily, recognizing how they play out in my daily life and directly thinking about what strengths fits my list (im taking the paid strength test from the life purpose course, It's far better than the free one). These strengths go down to the core of my ego, they cannot be replicated by doing external things, for example, in the free strength test you would have a strength called "appreciation of beauty & excellence" which I really relate with! Although if I think about it, I only have that strength because I eat really healthily and do my morning meditation/visualization routines, otherwise I would not have that ability, which entails that it's not my core strength.

I had a conversation with a guy today which really proved how strong of a "Relator" I am, this means that I can put myself in other's shoes with a desire to deepen the relationship, to know the other person and to build the relationship on authenticity for the benefit of the both of us. I can easily deepen a relationship by talking about deeper parts of myself and encourage that in the other person as well. This combines with my communication skills and my other strengths to be a really smooth and valuable process. I tried building the start of our relationship on radical honesty, really letting the guy know what I want out of our relationship and what I think about it right now. I actively tried to not build the relationship on lies that comes with not saying the right things, for example, if I really don't think the guy is a good fit for me, I will tell him what im actually searching for in a guy-guy:friend relationship and then honestly tell him that we might not see each other that often based on our split interests - of course, we must relate to each other enough for this to work; If he hears my words then we can adapt to spend higher quality time together, but if he does not want that, we can split up. This either saves a lot of suffering or improves the relationship. Many people just hide their true feelings and intentions with their relationships, which will end up in boring mundane conversations with shallow relationships that never goes deep. Our conversations ended up going pretty deep and being really satisfying considering how different we are. With honesty, we have adapted to each other quite a bit to know our collective interests more easily, which results in a more satisfying relationship.

 

I know that the NeverNut will resolve as soon as I can make my schedules work. At the moment, im waking up at noon and going to sleep late. I can only make my plans work if I wake up early, and having them there in the background really puts some spice into it by promoting a certain pattern which in turn will deconstruct the old patterns of PMO-Self-Sabotage. Since I last posted I have relapsed every other day, always at night. Im suffering for it, but this is good. Try try again. 

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I have almost figured out my top 5 strengths, just gotta prioritize the last couple of them! Im quite excited to be finally moving on to the  "finding your life purpose" part in the life-purpose course! Its what I initially set out to achieve with all of this.

I do lack the positive motivation to keep me meditating, exercising, visualizing, taking cold showers, reading books, etc, and for me to do these things I had to whip myself and impose guilt and suffering on myself if I failed. Now I have let loose with the reason of eliminating that neuroticism. But this has made me complacent and lazy, so im forced to find positive motivation before my laziness backfires:

Im essentially climbing down the stairs to make some fortification work on the foundations, and then I gotta climb back up again, with greater power than before.

My biggest battle right now is maintaining the Kriya Yoga routine. The mind plays so many tricks to keep me away from doing the Kriya. In truth, most times the routine is heavenly, it feels good and I get positive thoughts, and the resistance just fades away 5 minutes into the practice. But I will go through endless ways of distracting myself just to avoid doing the routine, and the tragedy lies in that Im not currently able to ground my routine in something tangible, not in the force of habit (im waking up late), not in my vision (im not actively visualizing, no life purpose yet), and definitely not in my survival drive. On average this month, I have done the Kriya every other day. Im not gonna quit! Hell no, consciousness is my top value, but I just gotta go through this episode of growth to muster the sufficient strength. Right now there is a tug of war between consciousness work and life purpose for me - I only have the strength for one at a time at the moment (every other day).

All you need is a goal and some time, and any mountain becomes an effortless climb. For me, it just matters that I have a mission in mind, then every step I take -whatever the step- is a step closer to actualization. My mission is too sweet to give up. I have only truly given up when I have given up on my mission, anything else is just sacrifice and acclimatization. 

NoFap: Day 0. The NeverNut has taken the most damage so far during this faze. It has started to become a bad habit of mine, a day for me could quite possibly look like this at the moment:

  • Waking up at 2 pm, no motivation wanna go back to sleep. Aint tired enough, just laying in bed staring at my window and thinking.
  • 2:30, Doing my hygiene routine
  • 3:00: "Aww man, let's not meditate right now, go eat a pineapple, its 3 pm, you're hungry" 
  • 3:45: With the pineapple in the belly I can't do the Kriya, so I might as well work on the life purpose course for an hour
  • 4:30: Starting to work on the course after checking youtube & forum 
  • 5:30: Dinner time!
  • 7:00: Cant meditate with food in my belly, ah well, ill do it before sleep, let's do something on the computer instead
  • 12:00: I really gotta meditate. *Clicks on the next video*
  • 2:00: Aww man, it's super late and I don't wanna meditate... *Searches up porn on google*
  • 3:00: Fuck, im too tired to meditate, ill just go to sleep.
  • THE END

My best days are the days where I don't touch the computer at all.

 

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The time has come for me to put this journal on the backburner.

I created this journal with the intentions of being an accountability journal for a 180 day long NoNut challenge with the expectation that I would be able to carry through this challenge without failure (due to my firm belief that this journal would solve my PMO problem). I wanted to make a journal that would put some of my skin in the game as I tried to write every single day with total honesty on how the challenge was going, and this was supposed to push me through the threshold guardian I felt were holding me back. This journal, the solution to all my problems, coming as a neat package of accountability, journaling, learning about myself, loads of insights, and inspiration for other people - well...

Because of this journal, I have disproved for myself the need for accountability to succeed in this challenge, and I have disproven success without failure. Trough this journal, I have come to realize the real solution for pushing through the threshold guardian, which is an entirely different solution than this journal was meant to be:

Trough this journal I have come realize that my vision and my life purpose is what should be pursued to solve my NoFap issues indirectly, firstly because directly solving my "issues" is not gonna lead me to a higher place, and secondly because my life purpose is dependent on my capacity to transcend these limiting addictions in general, which makes my actions towards my life purpose contain the intent of transcending these addictions. I previously wrote in this journal how I could only choose one between my life purpose and my addictions, and I choose my life purpose. 

As the fundamental motivations of this journal got disarmed, I have stopped enjoying posting here as much as I initially did. And now I can only motivate myself to write in this journal to keep this journal from dying - to validate some part of my self-image - and to keep my readers satisfied. When I sit down to write in this journal, I have nothing more about the NoFap journey to write about because I already know what to do and what's limiting me. In the beginning, I would write to solve a particular issue - to feel certain. But now as I have come to the solution and I feel certain about it, I would stop focusing on writing about NoFap to instead write about some important event that I could learn from by it writing down, but that also would be valuable for the reader.

 

My intent with closing this journal is for me to look towards my life purpose and document my journey towards that rather than focusing on some issue that im directly trying to solve; and by the law of attraction that is even counterproductive!

And when it comes to providing value and inspiring people, I feel like I can offer you guys with much more value by starting a new journal that focuses on the theme of Life purpose rather than beating this dead horse by another forced update.

Keeping this journal as my only journal here limits my journaling and value providing potential on this forum so I have decided that I will soon be starting a new primary journal that I will be posting in with all the integrated lessons I've learned from this journal. I will still keep posting here if something new happens with my NeverNut journey; my only motivation left.

 

  • It's very insightful to see how this "chapter" has unfolded, at first I was inexperienced, and so I went through this process of self-discovery through journaling about my NoFap journey. I started to realize what actually had to be done to transcend PMO, and so that negated the purpose of this journal while it opens up this whole new field I can explore. You enter a journey with a purpose and as you learn more about yourself and the journey, that adds up to reshape the purpose you started with!
  • You take a walk with your cat only because you know he has shit, and as you walk your cat, you go past a pet store that sells cat toilets and to you go in there and realize that this cat toilet is the solution to your problem of having to walk the cat all the time. And now when you're home with the cat off your mind, do you ever want to walk that cat again?

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