180 Day NeverNut

[Igor82]

Day 12: 2/10

I fulfilled a full packed schedule of chores that I procrastinated on.. feels good! Only a couple of cravings..

I met another girl on the athletics today, I went past her, but I tried to look into her eyes as much as possible, she was hot, to say the least. She suddenly asked me for where my trainer was (he is her trainer as well), and I looked into her eyes for like 4 seconds, then I pointed towards the door that he used to be, then I looked into her eyes while also mentioning that the trainer was away... essentially, I looked into her eyes 90% of the conversation. The conversation was not the best conversation I have ever had, my information left her confused actually, I was too busy making intense eye contact.

Later on, I thought about that conversation, I had a feeling that I did something wrong.. I contemplated and realized that I want me to be someone that I am not. I then did a self-love exercise, and that trouble seems to go away. Im too needy.. I very rarely have a conversation with a girl that is a stranger, that is maybe why that emotion came up.

 

[Sahil Pandit]

@Igor82  ---> 

[Igor82]

@Sahil Pandit You have not seen these gals man, they are hot. One of my motivations for nofap was actually that I started athletics. Imagine my performance if I sat at home and ejaculated my life force, and then got into the stadium getting consistent boners of seeing hot girls bounce or moan when running or throwing something. One of my motivations is to actually see them every time I go there, in a more empowering sense, filled with opportunities  

The girl in the black suit (as shown in the video) is one of the girls I consistently see at the stadium. I have a crush on her (but how do I make it real?? NeverNut ofc) 

 

Day 13: 3/10

I had some cravings, but not too much, they were more compelling today, like they kind of challenged my goals, but I didn't fall into the trap of giving in to them. I feel like im gaining much more knowledge and experience of actually feeling into the cravings, and knowing what they are. I can now see more of the game that is being played (by more I mean like 1%). The cravings will pass, I have proven that to me time and time again. If a craving gets too compelling, I can just think of me posting another update in this journal like the craving didn't even exist. That will pulverize the craving right away because I know it will pass.

[Sahil Pandit]

@Igor82 Hahah i feel it man! Woman are a powerful force of inspiration, especially to workout  

I just hit day 60 today! Starting to feel the benefits of the transmutation!

[Igor82]

Day 14: 4/10

The post below has almost nothing to do with NoFap. It's more about ego backlashes, consciousness, and demoralizing realizations.

I had more of these compelling cravings, but I maintained my awareness and didn't get sucked into them, and here I am! My life is going upside down. The last 2 days were great, but I burnt myself out, and today I had the hardest kriya yoga session yet, everything was clicking together in a bad way, frustration after frustration. I did the whole routine, but it took double the time.. then I did Leo's guided meditation, then I did visualization, and then I fell in love with the world.. I broke through the frustrations to realize that what was on the other side was my motivations for doing the practice. Being frustrated is supposed to kill my motivations!

Then I smoked some weed and went to my weekly cleaning job.. I did worse because of the high, but the high put me in another perspective, so I proceeded to listen to Leo's "What is consciousness" video, and a lot of things clicked for me! That consciousness is the underlying substance that contains all phenomena, but we can't access it because of the ego, but we are consciousness and we can become aware of what it is. And that Mario analogy really clicked for me this time! Getting aware of the pixels.. I also really understood why consciousness cant be pointed to.

But the meat of the high came when I started to listen to Leo's Ox-herding pictures video right after listening to the consciousness video. Oh man... I saw that I cannot be certain of any belief, because the beliefs are not showing reality!! And I saw that me thinking that some belief is "more accurate" than another belief is just bullshit. I will always look at the finger until I can see the moon, and the finger is totally different from the moon, in every way possible. This was a bit demoralizing.

Im starting to sense a genuine desire for truth for truth's sake. Fukin truth!  The ultimate truth. I really wanna know, because I see how I can never be certain until then. And I have this batch of 5-Meo on the way... even if I grapple with the thing for like a month, and let's say it happens that I break through, die and see the truth, that would still be just 0.1% of the work done... Im excited about that but demoralized to see that beforehand, that I have soo much left to do. Why would I want to meditate for 20 minutes if that is virtually insignificant? I know this is me bitching and moaning, but there will be so many backlashes, just like nowadays.. So much suffering... for what?!? I guess we will have to find out.

[Sahil Pandit]

@Igor82 It's been four days since you updated this journal 

[Igor82]

@Sahil Pandit I don't get it, I wanted to say "4 days my ass", but that ninja emoji signifies a deeper purpose of your post that I just cannot grasp.

Day 15: 4/10

Not too hard.. I had a couple of difficult cravings of wanting to watch porn. I could not dismiss them easily, and they had this sense of being permanent, mainly because I knew that I would not turn to anything more productive to do (because Monday is my weekend, and im suffering from a cold btw). But I quickly thought of not betraying the challenge and the cravings seemed to be defeated... but I know that if I don't restore myself to a good position in my daily life, I will be more prone to give in to my cravings by the lack of sufficient positive motivation to not do so.

It's alright my friends.

I smoked weed this evening and had this crazy experience: 

 

 

[Igor82]

Day 16: 5/10 - I Relapsed

• Hahahaha  im really exctied, hear me out til the end!
• I was productive today, but it was labor work so I was not that entustiastic to work, so at the end of the day, I thought of taking a hot shower rather than a cold shower, just to relax. This was my reward. Usually when I take hot showers I masturbate in the bathtub, but I deliberately set the intention to not touch my dick, just to enjoy the shower itself
• I ended up doing some "experiments", Note: The "experiment" mentality is what I have found to be one of the sneakiest games the mind plays on me, starting with small and convenient actions that seduces me to then builds up to a relapse...
• I stimulated my nipples and suddenly my dick got hard, but I was not drawn to touching it, but it was really interesting, when I touched my nipples, I got all of this sexual energy! Out of curiosity I went with it, I stimulated both my nips while breathing into the sexual energy, breathing down the front and exhaling up the spine, and it felt good, too good. I ended up stimulating the nips more trying to recreate that state of sexual energy bliss, but it didnt work. I had in mind the experiment mentality, always thinking to myself that it wont end in a relapse, I even thought of going to the journal and writing about how my streak is going smoothly, but I didnt want to withdraw yet, the warmth felt too good. I was so into experimenting, I tried stuff I have never done, such as trying to spurt water into my peehole using the hose, after doing that for a little while it got pretty predictable and boring.. I ended up with the hose spraying down water on my exposed glans, and that alone actually got me near the edge (never happend before), and at that moment I thought that I would be able to orgasm without ejaculating (Mantak Chia style), but that didnt work and I ejaculated without touching my dick (Huge load, shit!)
• I admit, I gave into it all, I got into this self deceptive loop of "experiment mentality" and ended up orgasming. Looking back, I did my best, and I ended up spilling my milk like it was fully out of my control, the hot shower was doomed to fail.

 

• Takeaways:
• I really really want to continue this challenge! Im actually fucking ecstatic to continue this challenge, like Im certain that this roadblock is defeated. Due to the lack of control (and really lack of touch and fantasy), I would actually want to consider this on the level of a wet dream, but it technically isn't.
• Im not beating myself up, I have 0 guilt, I am actually more excited about this challenge now as I can take into account one more pitfall. I have the same willpower to resist cravings, I feel on the verge of integrating this as a lifestyle, where as in the past, all willpower was coming from me having a streak, being on a challenge or having an accountability partner, but now I feel like the source of my willpower is coming from a vision of what I can be, I am ready to let go and move into the lifestyle of NeverNut. This is the peak of masculine power!! I also really want to keep sharing this journey with you guys, im not gonna quit this journal, and certainly not this path!
• Action steps for future hot showers: Maximum 20 minutes, If I intentionally touch my penis (except for cleaning) during the shower, I will have to switch the water to cold immediately.

My friends, I have technically relapsed, and although this experience(lessons) was so damn beneficial for me, this is the end of my streak. Tomorrow I will have to reset the count (If I dont, my self trust coming from this journal will diminish, and the motivation coming from this journal will disappear)

I love you all! <3   

 

[Shin]

Same day, same fate, same thing, same love

 

[Vitamine Water]

46 minutes ago, Shin said:

Same day, same fate, same thing, same love

 

Hell yeaaa! 

[Igor82]

Day 1: Difficult

It all went really smoothly until I was about to eat breakfast (at 2 pm) and then came this nasty craving to watch porn. My reasoning was "Oh, you have already relapsed, and there must be soo much new stuff of your favorite porn! And @vitaminewater watched porn once, and he got away with it! If you watch the porn, you won't break the streak man, just go and do it!"

It was hard, usually when this type of craving comes, I would give into it, but not this time, even though the craving had the advantage of reasoning, there was some force within me that still went meta on the craving, like I had this force of observation just coming in and shining the craving into oblivion. And then I went and fixed my bike instead, went and danced in public, went and played drums at a nearby school and attended its concert, came home, took a cold shower, ate some healthy food and here I am!  Choices guys, choices. 

Some of the craving still lingers, and when this happens, I usually give up hope and give into it, but not today. I shall breathe into it, and feel it for what it is. I'll talk to you tomorrow guys.

[sarapr]

@Igor82 have you heard of No Nut November? Was it actually a thing or just a stupid meme challenge on the internet!? 

[Shin]

9 minutes ago, sarapr said:

@Igor82 have you heard of No Nut November? Was it actually a thing or just a stupid meme challenge on the internet!? 

Both

 

 

 

 

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=No Nut November

[Sahil Pandit]

1 hour ago, Igor82 said:

Day 1: Difficult

Choices guys, choices. 

 

 

[sarapr]

21 minutes ago, Shin said:

Both

 

 

 

 

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=No Nut November

Since you know it, did you do it? 

[Shin]

26 minutes ago, sarapr said:

Since you know it, did you do it? 

For 3 months and it was amazing ?

[sarapr]

12 minutes ago, Shin said:

For 3 months and it was amazing ?

Respect 

Never failed? Not even once?

Where did you get all that willpower!?!? 

[Shin]

13 minutes ago, sarapr said:

Respect 

Never failed? Not even once?

Where did you get all that willpower!?!? 

A lot, and I just relapsed 2 days ago.

I don't know, it's not that hard once the addicted mindset and compulsion wears off.

[Sahil Pandit]

10 hours ago, Shin said:

A lot, and I just relapsed 2 days ago.

[Shin]

22 minutes ago, Sahil Pandit said:

?