Need a quick advice. Mind on fire at the moment.

[Nadosa]

Hey,

so I haven't had such feelings in ages. But today, during class I felt very unaware and depressed. I was thinking, and thinking..and thinking...until I reached the depths and buried parts of my mind that got triggered...in a split second. Namely the panic attack parts, so I was sitting there thinking about self-inquiry etc, when suddenly, I thought about losing my identity and it triggered a hellish spiral of panicky thoughts. Dont get me wrong. I usually have my monkey mind under control. But in such situations...being forced to sit there, couldnt go outside the room..I felt so cornered just by the feeling itself. My hands got so sweaty and then of course I thought about what if I really freak out...and bam...more panicky feelings...what if I panick about life in general soon...what if..what if...I was so close to a panick attack. 

Fortunately, I am trained in impermanence. I was aware that I am going to move on from that part of the mind to another, more gentle one. But the moment itself, there, it felt like this is all true what I was thinking about. It feels like nothing is really true in my mind, everything comes and goes, even the I. But my body is very worn out from that experience. I really dont want to school again at the moment. 

Thinking about what could I have done better. I actually have no clue. I was thinking "calm yourself, put your attention back to the moment", what actually triggered more feelings of panic. I actually dont know why this part suddenly got so active again. I feel so vulnerable. Like I felt during depersonalization back then. I feel like I need a specifc level of consciousness and if I am under that level, things will get bad.

Edited November 12, 2018 by Nadosa

[111111]

@Nadosa If you raise your daily awareness high enough (thru meditation for example), most of your mental issues will evaporate.

18 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

"calm yourself, put your attention back to the moment",

Do not ignore your core problems, face them directly with your awareness! 

 

24 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

My hands got so sweaty and then of course I thought about what if I really freak out...and bam...more panicky feelings...what if I panick about life in general soon...what if..what if...I was so close to a panick attack. 

I used to experience similar stuff. You know what helped? Being OK with failing in front of others.

Trying to wear "the confident mask" doesn't work in the long term!

[i am I AM]

Who teaches that impermanence is so bad? What if everything is impermanent?No nirvana, no eternal suffering, no grounds for permanence.. So what? We're still here now, and you still have existence. You wouldn't be able to think it is bad or stressful, otherwise.

[WindInTheLeaf]

When you are experiencing such a moment of panic, fear, of being caught up in a hellish spiral, and you tell yourself to 'calm yourself, put your attention back to the moment', are you not turning your back on the moment? You believe you should not be experiencing this, as you are way past such irrationality, - that you are well aware of the impermanence of all things and such get nothing but struggle in holding on -, but at the same time you actively seek to avoid the actual and find your way to a moment you want to be in. You can do nothing wrong, but everything arises for a reason, and turning your back on whatever is now for you, you distance yourself from that very state you actively seek.

[non_nothing]

52 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Hey,

so I haven't had such feelings in ages. But today, during class I felt very unaware and depressed. I was thinking, and thinking..and thinking...until I reached the depths and buried parts of my mind that got triggered...in a split second. Namely the panic attack parts, so I was sitting there thinking about self-inquiry etc, when suddenly, I thought about losing my identity and it triggered a hellish spiral of panicky thoughts. Dont get me wrong. I usually have my monkey mind under control. But in such situations...being forced to sit there, couldnt go outside the room..I felt so cornered just by the feeling itself. My hands got so sweaty and then of course I thought about what if I really freak out...and bam...more panicky feelings...what if I panick about life in general soon...what if..what if...I was so close to a panick attack. 

Fortunately, I am trained in impermanence. I was aware that I am going to move on from that part of the mind to another, more gentle one. But the moment itself, there, it felt like this is all true what I was thinking about. It feels like nothing is really true in my mind, everything comes and goes, even the I. But my body is very worn out from that experience. I really dont want to school again at the moment. 

Thinking about what could I have done better. I actually have no clue. I was thinking "calm yourself, put your attention back to the moment", what actually triggered more feelings of panic. I actually dont know why this part suddenly got so active again. I feel so vulnerable. Like I felt during depersonalization back then. I feel like I need a specifc level of consciousness and if I am under that level, things will get bad.

Go to toilet and take a crap, and do 10 minutes breathing if not

[Nadosa]

10 minutes ago, WindInTheLeaf said:

When you are experiencing such a moment of panic, fear, of being caught up in a hellish spiral, and you tell yourself to 'calm yourself, put your attention back to the moment', are you not turning your back on the moment? You believe you should not be experiencing this, as you are way past such irrationality, - that you are well aware of the impermanence of all things and such get nothing but struggle in holding on -, but at the same time you actively seek to avoid the actual and find your way to a moment you want to be in. You can do nothing wrong, but everything arises for a reason, and turning your back on whatever is now for you, you distance yourself from that very state you actively seek.

But why did it arise? Yes I resisted it because it is something that shouldnt happen anymore.

 

7 minutes ago, non_nothing said:

Go to toilet and take a crap, and do 10 minutes breathing if not

Lol. Thanks.

[winterknight]

Go get psychoanalytic/psychodynamic therapy. There are probably issues in your unconscious that you are not dealing with.

[Nahm]

22 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

it is something that shouldnt happen anymore

How come? Sounds like it used to make sense that this would happen, and at some point, something was realized, and so it shoulnd’t Happen anymore, yet it is, so, what was the prior realization?

[Nadosa]

52 minutes ago, WindInTheLeaf said:

 

 

16 minutes ago, Nahm said:

How come? Sounds like it used to make sense that this would happen, and at some point, something was realized, and so it shoulnd’t Happen anymore, yet it is, so, what was the prior realization?

Because panic and anxiety are things that I left long time ago, I was busy dealing with my self and building a life as a person again, then something like that came out of the blue. I have already had a partial awakening. But today I was just panicky about being aware, awareness and perception of reality itself, that I made it a huge trouble.

Edited November 12, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Don’t use the partial awakening as a means to beat yourself up man. You’re doing quite well. A wonderful life is already underway. ‘Building it as a person’ vs it is happening, and it is beautiful...? Look around, see the ‘life’, and look around, see there is no person to beat up, no person to beat on. “I was busy dealing with myself”, there are not two of you in which that could be truly taking place. When that panic hits, go to one of two places; go to the “ I “ which is experiencing it, or go to the sensations themselves. One will work, freeing from the suffering. 

[Nadosa]

I can't do neither because my monkey mind is labelling everything as panic worthy at the moment. Awful.

[i am I AM]

@Nadosa While it's happening, I would suggest as soon as you can to stay in the "i" not the sensations (sorry Nahm b/c I think your practical advice is wicked and I appreciate you). If you lose that during the attack, don't worry because there's nothing spiritual, existential or infinite about it and really act as though you believe that (you should tell/think yourself that habitually to prepare yourself for the panic attack). Just enter that iSpace again whenever the monkey mind returns to you that banana bundle.

[non_nothing]

3 hours ago, Nadosa said:

But why did it arise? Yes I resisted it because it is something that shouldnt happen anymore.

 

Lol. Thanks.

I was being serious by the way. HOpe you're doing fine by now. Nobody should be left in darkness alone.

Edited November 12, 2018 by non_nothing

[Nadosa]

I am still depressed and worn out. Just when the exams hit, this shit hits too. And I feel like I lost space within (cornered feeling).

Edited November 12, 2018 by Nadosa

[WindInTheLeaf]

3 hours ago, Nadosa said:

But why did it arise? Yes I resisted it because it is something that shouldnt happen anymore.

It arose for some reason or another that is as of now hidden from sight but you - and only you - can figure it out if you let it be, look and listen. Perhaps it had been growing for some time but you had just turned your attention away from it, as you believe such things should not happen/arise anymore.  And as you suddenly found yourself in a corner where you could no longer hide, what you had been running from caught up with you.  Perhaps you have had a deep insight in an elevated state of mind that you have tried to hold on to, to keep the good vibes flowing in your day-to-day.  Perhaps your body hasnt caught up with your mind, as in you understand something on an intellectual level without embodying/acting out that truth.  Possible cure: relax, be and let be.

Allow whatever is blocking your flow of truth to be brought with the stream from within to without. By repressing, resisting, objecting, you are actively keeping alive whatever you would like to rid yourself of / avoid experiencing as part of what arises as 'is'. Try and put aside your ideas of what should and should not be, and see what arises without such interference. If you cannot, ask yourself whether you are a reliable judge in matters of what should and should not arise as what is. If the answer is yes, ask yourself if you can really trust such yourself to decide whether or not you are a reliable judge in such matters. 

[Nadosa]

I am doing very bad. The worst I have ever been. Like. My unconscious demons came to life. Literally. This fucking anxious and depressive feeling that I cant live as a self anymore. It is right here. And I can only resist it because I dont know how to handle it. Seriously I am on the verge of losing this battle, I am on the verge of losing all progress. My subconscious got triggered, now all comes to the surface. I am not ready. Not mindful enough at the moment. I tend to drift into "I can't do it, it is too much" mode. I can't do it because I believed so long I have had an ego death and my self can't exist anymore. An entire misconception. Now anxiety forces me to have a self, but I cant create one anymore.

[i am I AM]

I've lost that battle like a few hundred times. The first time it happened I thought I had lost progress, for an entire month I thought like this. But I was determined, so after nearly two months had passed, I got back into meditation (much like strong determination style) and found out not only had progress not been lost but I became capable of deeper meditation than before, with new insights. I do not know whether the new insights had any correlation with my struggle before, but nevertheless it seemed to prove to me that losing the battle is not a total loss.

[Nadosa]

I have really doubts that Meditation can repair this fractured self.

[i am I AM]

I worked up to four hours of meditating, so length may be a factor. Do you do self-inquiry? In retrospect, I rarely found it helpful long-term.

See Mu_'s thread Spiritual Trappings #3. Are you doing any of that lately, especially so much it causes severe, and/or unbearable stress?

[Nadosa]

I have done none of that. Just, in daily life, whenever I felt pain, I thought myself into a selfless state and the pain vanished...ironically. Maybe that was futile.