Good relationship with your family vs. Inner growth

[bejapuskas]

Hey guys,

I think that my relationship with my mum and dad could be a lot better, I am making it grow by helping my parents cook, vacuuming and stuff like that, but when I am running around, only helping my parents, I cannot really grow that much, if you add school and other necessities to the equation.

The problem is, even if I do help them, they still say that I dont know what life is about (they are both quite neurotic people) and that I should stop watching that weird bald man and the weird bearded man and rather focus on having fun. But they dont see inside me, they think that meditation and contemplation is meaningless, they dont see my inner growth and they are so brainwashed and close-minded, but I have to have a good relationship with them, because I live with them and will live with them for a long time from now.

I have been doing self-development for like half a year now and it has really made a difference inside me. But my parents only see me watching my hand and saying mantras, as I am practising Kriya yoga. They dont respect Leo, because they think he is just another faculty of Arts students without any deeper knowledge. How do I balance that? I dont want to accept their blue values, it would slow down my growth and I wouldnt feel like I am living to my fullest...

[okulele]

@bejapuskas

I have a cool quote from Byron Katie for you:

Quote

My experience is that the teachers we need most are the people we're living with now.

I really agree with this. The biggest inner growth you can achieve right now is building a genuine, loving relationship with your parents.

Your relationship with your mother is a reflection of your relationship with Shakti (the outer world). Your relationship with your father is your relationship with Shiva (inner world). Nurture them. I can't stress this enough.

[Hellspeed]

Usually, the relationship of the family empairs one to awaken. 

Why? Because the parents, their adult personality is interlinked with the children, and they are unconscious about it. They are in this way because of the connection with the siblings. So it will involve drama for the parent, same for the sibling when they awaken. This is no joke, watch it! 

[bejapuskas]

@okulele I am actually reading Katie's book right now, I really like it. I understand that I have to nurture them, I probably know what you mean by that, but it's kinda hard, when it's clear that both of my parents are very close minded and helping them externally won't solve their inner problems, that they have, I am kind of worried about them sometimes, but they see it as arogance. I actually recommended them to read the book too, but they are not open to this kind of literature. What do you think I can do about that?

[bejapuskas]

@Hellspeed What do you mean? It seems that my parents want me to help them do the housework, but that does not solve their problems and they are often stressed out and I want them to see that, as it could deepen our relationship even further. It otherwise seems just like a repetetive series of mechanical help and I do not have time to learn new things because of that...

[Sahil Pandit]

@bejapuskas If they want the best for you, then it's in your best interest to focus on your own growth. This way, you can act from a place of strength, while showing them what you have learned and how you have grown. Pretty much, having the confidence to set the standard and rising above where their (stage blue) values are at. They might not like it at first, but they will respect you if you respect yourself and really work hard at what you want to do.

[okulele]

12 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

@okulele I am actually reading Katie's book right now, I really like it. I understand that I have to nurture them, I probably know what you mean by that, but it's kinda hard, when it's clear that both of my parents are very close minded and helping them externally won't solve their inner problems, that they have, I am kind of worried about them sometimes, but they see it as arogance. I actually recommended them to read the book too, but they are not open to this kind of literature. What do you think I can do about that?

I'd say see them as the ideal parents. Actually see that that's what they are. Stop brainwashing yourself with thoughts like "my parents are closed-minded." Listen to their worries about your weird self-actualizing behavior. Guess what, that is Love speaking. They love you and care for you, that is why they are this way. See the Love in every action they do. It IS there. And offer Love in response. You do love them, find that in yourself.

And maybe, just maybe... you are the one who is really closed-minded and seriously arrogant and they are right? Consider that.

Looking at your hand is easy. There is not much spiritual growth there. Loving your parents unconditionally, seeing the beauty in every act they do and making your home a Garden of Eden, that is difficult. There is no simple technique for that. It requires constant attention and Love. I am sure you would much rather not be bothered and mediate in your room, you don't want to bring Love to the relationship with your parents. Because that is what kicks your ego out of the picture.

[7thLetter]

12 hours ago, okulele said:

Your relationship with your mother is a reflection of your relationship with Shakti (the outer world). Your relationship with your father is your relationship with Shiva (inner world). Nurture them. I can't stress this enough.

@okulele Wow. Reading that made me just think, "holy shit."

I have never heard of that insight before, and I don't know how valid it really is, but that just seems so true to me. My relationship with my Mom isn't the best. She's extremely extroverted and overall a very talkative and loud person. With that being said, sometimes I choose not to say anything because she's going to go on talking very loudly for ages, not even matching my tone of voice, and isn't the best listener.

My relationship with my Dad is a lot better. Its crazy that he's the complete opposite of my Mom. He's extremely introverted, probably the most quietest person I know. Although we can have some great conversations about different topics that I'm interested in, and he's a good listener.

So what you just said made me realize so much. I don't have the best relationship with my Mom, and I don't have the best relationship with my Outer world these days because I focus so much on my Inner world. And having a great relationship with my Dad, I have a great relationship with my inner world. What?? My mind is blown.

[bejapuskas]

@7thLetter You can also take it as that you cannot do the Work very effectively, when you cannot even handle 2 people inside your house  

@Sahil Pandit @okulele Of course, we do love each other, thats obvious, but... yeh, I am probably not doing the best job in balancing our relationship. Taking 100% responsibility is much easier than whining...  

[7thLetter]

@bejapuskas Huh? Not sure why you’re using the words “you” as if what you’re saying is directed towards me. But I think you mean to say “I can take it as..” 

I mean, you’re admitting to what kind of relationship you have with your parents in this thread, and this seems like a very good insight to take in so maybe there’s some truth to it.

Often times it can be difficult balancing inner and outer world. Because our outer world problems seem so much more real than our inner world problems. But its good to have a healthy balance working between the two rather than one or the other.

[bejapuskas]

@7thLetter I use the word you, because you were relating to yourself, I am not trying to lecture you or anything, but it just seems like you are having a big aha moment, as well as me...  Me and my friends who are into self-actualizing have a similar problem, they have a great relationship with their parents, but their parents disrespect Leo and other teachers and they actually think that they know everything about life. I mean, that they have lived their whole life in one direction, never really tried a different life-style and they are acting like they know, what is good for me and others... I understand why this is happening, but then it really makes it hard to balance our relationship. They wanted me to quit video games and anime, so I quit that and I am very happy, but they now want me to quit reading and meditation lol

[Elisabeth]

14 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

@Hellspeed What do you mean? It seems that my parents want me to help them do the housework, but that does not solve their problems and they are often stressed out and I want them to see that, as it could deepen our relationship even further. It otherwise seems just like a repetetive series of mechanical help and I do not have time to learn new things because of that...

@bejapuskas I'm concerned that you see "helping with housework", in a mechanical way, as improving the relationship.

Doing your share of housework is obviously part of taking on responsibility for living somewhere. Sure, it is a part of good relating to contribute to a common cause (a clean home in this case). You take on the responsibility, but you can also have boundaries. Assess what your share of housework is and do it, without prompts, but on your own terms. (That means you tell your mother that you'll take responsibility of vacuuming every other week, not the other way round ... but then you do it. If she demands something you don't think is necessary at all, you tell her you won't do it. If you assess that it's not necessary, but you see it means a lot to her, maybe you decide to do it for her, but again, that's your own call.)

But this is only a small part of a relationship. Accepting them as people and actually relating to them lovingly is hard (and I'm in the process with my parents too). That also means accepting yourself as a person first. (That's easier to do once you move away - which you should, if possible - but you can likely develop it in your parents' house too.) It means you keep your interest in personal development despite your parents' disagreement but don't demand them to get on board. It means showing who you are. It means accepting who they are, including their limitations. It means understanding them, and loving them how they want to be loved, within your own limits. It means agreeing and disagreeing and working together and finding common points of interest and ways to laugh together and ways to connect in your human-ness. Think of your relationship with your friends. There is actually something you want to relate on, right? 

Now I've written that and I feel something is missing, but the point is: Just agreeing to what they demand from you is not having a good relationship. I hope you can see that.

[bejapuskas]

@Elisabeth I see, its better if I enjoy cooking the lunch with my mum, rather than just cooking it for the rational benefit...

The thing is, I want to experiment with my diet, hobbies and other stuff, but I don't make money to do that, they are my source of income, I am 15. I am thinking about how to go around that every single day, but if I started making money the way I want, my growth will then stagnate and my work won't be of the best quality...

My dad is kind of addicted to smoking and alcohol and he sees my gettig rid of addictions as something negative, he thinks that I am not enjoying my life. If I just accept that, it might cost him his life quite soon actually... I want to be assertive and push them, so that they can live to their fullest, I just need to find the right way. Probably, I should just live as an example and maybe they will join me on my journey...

[Elisabeth]

2 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

@Elisabeth I see, its better if I enjoy cooking the lunch with my mum, rather than just cooking it for the rational benefit...

The thing is, I want to experiment with my diet, hobbies and other stuff, but I don't make money to do that, they are my source of income, I am 15. I am thinking about how to go around that every single day, but if I started making money the way I want, my growth will then stagnate and my work won't be of the best quality...

I'm not sure that's the case. The practices are just one side of the coin - life experience is a great teacher. When I was in university, there was a very sharp distinction in maturity and attitude between people who came straight from high school and people who have worked in-between. Those who had worked knew why they decided to study. Others may disagree, but imho if you can make some money on your own, and still maintain an hour or so of daily practice, you'll be better off than doing practices only, even for more time.

Making your own money, cooking your own healthy meals (and inviting your parents) etc., those are incredible acts of independence, which will make your parents take you more seriously. It gives you more power, which helps you get on equal footing in negotiation - and negotiate you will, the meals you eat, the time you spend doing housework, your privacy and living arrangements...   Making your own money shows yourself and your parents that you have the drive to be independent. You can then come to the negotiation table and say "Look, parents, I want to live on my own. I need X amount of money to do that. I am able to contribute Y without compromising school. Would you be willing to support me with the rest? Hopefully it's not that much more than you spend on me living at home." Now, wouldn't that be a cool kind of deal, and much easier to achieve then asking them to pay for everything? Of course, they can still say no, but it's harder for them.

You are incredibly driven. I admire you.

As for helping your dad, I'm afraid being a good example is indeed the best you can do.

[bejapuskas]

@Elisabeth Thanks Elisabeth, itsd great that we are finally starting to agree on this, sometimes, I have these kinds of explosions of immatureness, which cause me to think that everyone else is deluded, I have to work on transcending the lower stages in order to move deeper into tier 2. If I would actually find a way to make money, oh man, that would be huge in my age. I dont mean that kind of selling ice-cream thing, even though I might want to start with that, just to see what its like. I meant that some people who graduate from college and work, even like 40, 50 year olds (my parents' friends) sometimes seem so stubborn and selfish to me, its incredible. I understand its more complex than just that, but when I am starting to see all these opportunities, like finding a life purpose, meditating every day... Life seems so full.

[7thLetter]

@bejapuskas Honestly if they’re going to be like that, then you might as well not tell them about your goals, achievements, and what you pursue in life, in terms of general self-help or self-actualization. I don’t know if its good for your relationship with your parents to tell them everything about your life, but why do so if they’re not going to support it?

Me personally, I keep my life pretty private. I don’t tell my parents everything I do, especially my Mom. Leaving my 9-5 job and becoming financially independant has always been a goal for me, I’ve tried several things but they all haven’t done too well. If I told her what I’m trying right now, she would probably bring up my past failures that I’ve told her about. Because a lot of people think that someone’s past failures means failure in the future. Which is not true at all. Although my Dad can be pretty open-minded so I tell him some of the things I do.

Pretty much the reason why some people are unsupportive of growth is because it makes them look bad if they’re not doing it. Or they’re scared you’ll leave them. They want you to be at least at their level of psychological growth or below, not any higher.

I view self-actualization as something to be kept private. I rarely ever go and tell people at work or at home or anyone else that I do it. Not that I’m embarassed or anything but everyone is different and people will always have their opinions.

Edited October 21, 2018 by 7thLetter

[bejapuskas]

@7thLetter You might be partially right, but I live with them, they can see me watching Leo and doing all these spiritual practises. In my opinion, its better to tell them that I am gonna do Wim Hof method, than if they thought I am fapping or something... I live in different conditions. But generally, I agree that its not a good idea to tell others about it, if you dont actually know that it might help them.

About your job... I think that you should keep this private and focus all your brain power to your actions and improvement. Actions speak louder than words, when it comes to business and making money in my opinion.

[7thLetter]

@bejapuskas I don’t know what your house is like but me personally I have a laptop and I use it by my bed. No one can see what I’m watching, and no one can hear what I listen to because I also got headphones.

Honestly, everyone is different so I don’t go around telling people about self-actualization even if it could help them. If I can see potential in them and open-mindedness, then in that case I probably would talk to them about it. But mainly I think that most people who do self-actualization are already interested in it and naturally drawn towards it. Forcing people to learn about it is like a mechanic trying to force everyone around him to be a mechanic when not everyone would be interested in it. Or a biochemist trying to teach everyone to be a biochemist because they make good money. You get the point. Plus if people are clearly searching for help, then they will search for it themselves.

I actually already keep my work private, no point in telling others, and no point in teaching others about what I do, even if it might help them. If they’re interested, maybe they’ll ask. 

[Jack River]

The constant striving for inner growth means no relationship. Conflict kills the possibility of relationship.