random jungle noise

[tsuki]

12 minutes ago, now is forever said:

@tsuki yes you are right but you see i tried not to reach a point like this - not everything can be managed from within. i was the glue that held the shit together.

What I was getting at is that there is no managing anything.
Managing things from within may work until suffering becomes unbearable. Then, shit's gonna blow.
Managing things on the outside makes you reactive, uncentered. It's only a matter of time until you stretch yourself too thin and drop a few plates.
Try doing neither and you will have to do both.
We can't avoid suffering, but we can't help to try.

Edited November 5, 2018 by tsuki

[now is forever]

1 minute ago, tsuki said:

What I was getting at is that there is no managing anything.
Managing things from within may work until suffering becomes unbearable. Then, shit's gonna blow.
Managing things on the outside makes you reactive, uncentered. It's only a matter of time until you stretch yourself too thin and drop a few plates.
We can't avoid suffering, but we can't help to try.

sorry tsuki and thank you, i‘m in a pit now, but it really helped that you tried ?

[tsuki]

10 minutes ago, now is forever said:

sorry tsuki and thank you, i‘m in a pit now, but it really helped that you tried ?

Have you tried crying?

Edit: Ugh, I'm so dumb sometimes that it amazes me.

Edited November 5, 2018 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki i‘m doing that since 2 hours

[tsuki]

@now is forever Good. Cry your eyes out.

The world will be ready for you when you feel like returning to it.

Edited November 5, 2018 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki ? heartless bastard - i‘ll just exchange them then ?

the world has never been ready for me...but you could also see it the other way round. i prefer number one in that case.

Edited November 5, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

@tsuki ? heartless bastard - i‘ll just exchange them then ?

the world has never been ready for me...but you could also see it the other way round. i prefer number one in that case.

By the way, do you know that your skull has no facial expression?
It's just your flesh moving around your bones.

[now is forever]

40 minutes ago, tsuki said:

By the way, do you know that your skull has no facial expression?
It's just your flesh moving around your bones.

i have never seen my skull - but i have seen an mrt of my brain. i asked how it looked and the female technical assistant said to me: as expected, beautiful women have always beautiful brains. i guess that counts for the skull as well. ?

Edited November 5, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

@now is forever Oh, and did you notice that when we interact with people we look them in the eye as if a person was located there?

It's just a black dot in the middle of a squishy white ball. Not only that, but there is not even a dot there. It's a transparent hole into an eyeball and it's black because it's dark inside.

How crazy are we?!

Edited November 5, 2018 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki yes and we think we can even read something called emotions in the eyes, isn’t that crazy. 

we don’t even know if there is someone at home in the colony of cells and bones from the outside so why even look someone in the eyes?

and a teardrop is nothing else than sea water produced to hold the eye moistured so it will look very bright and clear afterwards. inside and out.

[now is forever]

my favorite aftercrying song - must be the selfdruging of my pretty smart selfdeceptive brain:

would be glad if it was true this time - but i fear it’s not done with a song and some tears to help with reflection, because there really is no world waiting for me.

and i totally am loosing myself in this shit. i guess i will need to find a way up the stream - to attack and retreat.

Edited November 5, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

44 minutes ago, now is forever said:

@tsuki yes and we think we can even read something called emotions in the eyes, isn’t that crazy. 

we don’t even know if there is someone at home in the colony of cells and bones from the outside so why even look someone in the eyes?

and a teardrop is nothing else than sea water produced to hold the eye moistured so it will look very bright and clear afterwards. inside and out.

Nah-ah. I am not denying existence, or importance of emotions.

Sadness is not wrong. Something happened and we know that it is wrong because we are sad.
Crying is not wrong either. Have you noticed that we cry when something is sad, but we also cry because something is beautiful?
When something catches us by the heart? We are touched by things that we find important and tears are how this importance is released.
There is no difference between tears of sadness and tears of beauty.
When you cry, you let go of a part of yourself that you are desperately trying to keep.

Now, I have never lost a loved one, but I have lost people in my life.
I think that the most important way in which grief is useful is to serve as a reminder that anything that we hold dear can be taken away from us.
It's purpose, however, is not to frighten us into possessively guarding everything that we value, but to teach us humility and appreciation of the everyday life.

[now is forever]

no @tsuki this time i don’t agree. i don’t agree with all forms of humiliation. and grief is not a reminder for humiliation, if anything for humbleness. i’m not even sure if i like that word - in general grief is more than that, it shows us the capacity to love a person just for being alive - even if that person hasn’t entered the world yet - well i maybe grief myself for not being able to give that love anymore. i grief myself for the life i lived aiming to something i was aiming to, all by myself.

and in my situation i can’t see anything purposeful in it, it could also be an artefakt- it doesn’t help one bit - as i always dreamt of having a responsible loving partner at my side. how can i find one this fast? maybe have 4 years left, that’s a very small timeframe for mutual feelings.

so either i start working on my relationship and try to be completely loving again, not expecting the guy to understand me in any way accepting he ignores me and we will be weekend daddy and asshole mommy (because mommy will be always the bad one who actually is invisible and no one listens to because she can’t be right, what wrecks her nerve, what only shows how emotionally unstable of a person she is, that she gets touched by that)

or i freeze my eggs.

i don’t know how to win in this game, i‘ve already lost - the person who takes the higher risk/love investment always looses in the love game ( if it is a game)

Edited November 6, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

Hmm, humility is not humiliation.
Humiliation is closer to shame - a social phenomenon in relation to other people. Not meeting expectations. Ostracization.
Humility is more in lines of surrender to what is. Closer to letting go.
Not trying to do things my way, but let myself be something done by 'things' outside of me. It is a form of strength though - a willing, unyielding submissiveness to existence.

Humbleness is close to humility. To me, humbleness is also about other people, how we present ourselves to them.
Humility is an inner state. To me, it is the most private thing there is.

37 minutes ago, now is forever said:

and in my situation i can’t see anything purposeful in it, it could also be an artefakt- it doesn’t help one bit - as i always dreamt of having a responsible loving partner at my side. how can i find one this fast? maybe have 4 years left, that’s a very small timeframe for mutual feelings.

so either i start working on my relationship without expecting the guy to understand me in any way accepting he ignores me and we will be weekend daddy and asshole mommy (because mommy will be always the bad one that actually is invisible and no one listens to, what wrecks her nerve) 

or i freeze my eggs.

Would you like to talk about your dream with me? I'm considering having children myself in the future, but I still haven't decided yet.
Why is it so important to you?

[now is forever]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

Would you like to talk about your dream with me? I'm considering having children myself in the future, but I still haven't decided yet.
Why is it so important to you?

because it just is the most beautiful you can ever experience as a woman - it’s just like that. giving live and giving a chance and caring for someone - it’s nature and the divine in women, being able to see someone growing up and being there for them. and i also know how to give a better chance for happiness than what was able in my family - at least i thought so.

i can’t tell you about how it feels it’s something really beautiful i can’t explain. i just know already how that love would feel and i really want to give it.

oxytocin tsuki - life long. the most powerful drug in the world.

 

i bought this book - „on search for lost happiness“ against the destruction of our ability for happiness in early childhood. it’s not the only book, but it’s not about the books - i already know how - i had enough time to watch. and my mom was a really good teacher, despite all other odds.

 a little surreptitious advertising on the side 

Edited November 5, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

mhhh even found some really nice videos of jean liedloff now.

 

[Zweistein]

Just wanted to send some ? your way before I board a plane ... If it doesn't crash, I will write more ???

[now is forever]

@tsuki thank you for yesterday, it really helped a lot even if i was a little inattentive and mean to what you where saying exactly - sometimes i don’t listen very close, if i get too emotional ?

@Zweistein nice you are saying hi - seems almost like back in the days. 

nice you are watching over me     ?mommy - i‘m not sure if dandelion is in the season though. i‘m eating ?  and ? right now.

 

actually what is the most interesting - he isn’t interested in the educational stuff at all, not really - he has a look, nods and then it’s my game again - he is also not interested in how it feels or how i would manage with vegan pregnancy diet. it is all completely natural and expectations from my side are criticism on him while he expects me to do everything simultaneously and even more and better than before and doesn’t understand why i slowly went into strike mode. why i don’t even like to do the things anymore i always liked to do - because what for if it doesn’t reach anyone. 

it‘s so sad i already feel like the trapped housewife while i really still have dreams but not the partner to live them together with.

he doesn’t understand my perspective however i try to explain it to him he is always the one with the bigger ego - i try to understand him but his view is not about us it is about him, while i try to think us.

and just walking away is also hard.

sorry for complaining, do i trap myself in my dream system - i suppose so.

some weeks ago i saw a young family with three kids. the mom was wearing a tote bag which had written: game over baby.

it looked like it was not only a joke, but i think it was not about the kids.

Edited November 6, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

@tsuki thank you for yesterday, it really helped a lot even if i was a little inattentive and mean to what you where saying exactly - sometimes i don’t listen very close, if i get too emotional ?

You're welcome.

13 hours ago, now is forever said:

because it just is the most beautiful you can ever experience as a woman - it’s just like that. giving live and giving a chance and caring for someone - it’s nature and the divine in women, being able to see someone growing up and being there for them. and i also know how to give a better chance for happiness than what was able in my family - at least i thought so.

i can’t tell you about how it feels it’s something really beautiful i can’t explain. i just know already how that love would feel and i really want to give it.

oxytocin tsuki - life long. the most powerful drug in the world.

The question that bugs me is: aren't we, adults, imposing our wishes onto children by bringing them into existence? (assuming that we have control).
Having children to satisfy my urge to be a father is not about the unborn child at all.
Or is it? I could say that this urge is the child speaking through me and me having it is simply letting go.

hmm...

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

actually what is the most interesting - he isn’t interested in the educational stuff at all, not really - he has a look, nods and then it’s my game again - he is also not interested in how it feels or how i would manage with vegan pregnancy diet. it is all completely natural and expectations from my side are criticism on him while he expects me to do everything simultaneously and even more and better than before and doesn’t understand why i slowly went into strike mode. why i don’t even like to do the things anymore i always liked to do - because what for if it doesn’t reach anyone. 

This is why I tend to steer towards thinking about family in terms of taking care of everyday life. 
To me, a partner is a person that helps me with challenges of everyday life, like taking care of the household and taking care of each other.
This is the foundation that cannot be questioned and must be met. Everything else is a (welcome!) bonus.

If she's interested in what I do with my days (and she is) - great. But I can't expect her to do that. She has her own stuff.
My problem is that I see solutions to her problems and she won't apply them, even if she agrees that it's the right thing to do.
I guess my problem is not letting her solve her problems her own way .

What I've learned over the past three years is that relationships are as much about being close together, as they are about being distant.

[now is forever]

5 minutes ago, tsuki said:

This is why I tend to steer towards thinking about family in terms of taking care of everyday life. 
To me, a partner is a person that helps me with challenges of everyday life, like taking care of the household and taking care of each other.
This is the foundation that cannot be questioned and must be met. Everything else is a (welcome!) bonus.

yes i completely agree on that but the bonus comes along automatically when you both agree on having children - and there is this little situation about having children that you can’t just bring them into being by snipping fingers - and as we are not married i of course am attentive to how caring my partner is towards me, i take all the burden upon me don’t i - not that i am mad, that he can’t do it, it’s not our fault, but at least i want to feel loved and cared about. so that’s the bonus i expect for throwing my life on the line.