I know I should let these thoughts go but...problems after awakening.

[Nadosa]

I am pretty sure 11 months ago my mind's default mode changed. When I dont suffer, I decribe feelings and states of an awakened being. It is strange because I was not interested in awakening it all - it just happened and I clearly know that there is no way back.

After my awakening, I was kinda clueless what to do about the suffering associated with it - the Ego fought back with creating an identity around the subject "life was pointless". Taking things personal does not make sense to me anymore. That is probably the reason that everything I tried in order to control the process,  like exercising, meditation felt useless. It made no sense to "get better". 

Anyways, for 11 months now, I have been feeling like I hit the lowest points of mental suffering a human being can ever experience. Everytime I got up and felt better, I felt like I was reborn. 

What suffers because of those "death and rebirths" is my person(a). My mind comes up with questions why I am still here, why this body is here and didn't die, who is talking at the moment, I just can't make sense out of how I am still here - that's especially the case when it is about my past, like talking in a job interview, doc, therapist - I struggle to have a healthy persona. I post this because...I admit...it is self-soothing.

Is this due to lack of mindful practise?

 

[Prabhaker]

3 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

why I am still here, why this body is here and didn't die

Because you have potential of transforming life into a celebration, if all your potentialities come to a flowering. There is a life of meditation.

[Nadosa]

I know I have huge potential, I am good looking, not stupid, but I feel like I am stuck in a state between living and dying, except that I feel like I have already died.

 

 

Edited July 13, 2018 by Nadosa

[Preetom]

15 hours ago, Nadosa said:

 My mind comes up with questions why I am still here, why this body is here and didn't die, who is talking at the moment, I just can't make sense out of how I am still here

It couldn't be put in any better way..

[Prabhaker]

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

why I am still here

 If your why also can be answered, you become a mechanism , you become a utility, a commodity. But you are a man, not a machine.

Man means freedom. You can turn your life into hell or make it a continuous celebration.

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

What suffers because of those "death and rebirths" is my person(a). My mind comes up with questions why I am still here, why this body is here and didn't die, who is talking at the moment, I just can't make sense out of how I am still here - that's especially the case when it is about my past, like talking in a job interview, doc, therapist - I struggle to have a healthy persona. I post this because...I admit...it is self-soothing.

@Nadosa There are no answers to your questions and that is what the mind cannot accept (yet).
If meaning-making is all that you know, it will take a while to reorient yourself to see a new kind of being.

Funnily enough, what gave me most comfort in my several experiences like yours was aspiring to be like a tree.
A tree needs no reason to grow. It simply does. As you continuously die, I'm sure that you can relate to a wish of simply being, undisturbed.
Try looking up to a tree and treat it as a role model.

Let the mind do its things. Work, sleep, eat and meet.
When you have spare time in which questions arise, it is a sign that that you have solved all of your problems and now the mind has nothing to do.
If the suffering of emptiness becomes a problem somehow, then the mind will try to solve it.
Do you understand what is the solution for having no problems? Creating them.

If you let yourself be a problem, then the mind will turn on you and do all kinds of things to keep itself occupied.
Do you know what is the best solution to a restless, problem-seeking mind? Sitting.
Just sit and grow like a tree. It is the best thing to do when all problems are solved.
Problems will come to you on their own, without your guidance.
Sitting is the greatest luxury, really.

You can call sitting meditation, but do not try to still your mind.
Let the mind do its thing. Let it chase itself. This is what it is supposed to do. Solve problems.
Let it try to solve itself until it finally sees what it is - whatever is the conclusion.
If you have truly seen though the mind, you will know what is the value of that knowledge.
 

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

After my awakening, I was kinda clueless what to do about the suffering associated with it

There’s no suffering in awakening. This is what’s awoken to, the falsity of “other”, or any second thing. (Which suffering could come from or be caused by). 

[Nadosa]

Of course, the ego is still there! You just somehow know it is not you. So I disagree...

[ajasatya]

@Nadosa practice never stops.

you've hit the limit of intellectualization. logic can't take you any further.

there is existence and that's it. it's an unsolvable mystery. it's an unstoppable mystery. the universe screams i don't know... i simply am through each of us.

embrace reality already. embrace your life. embrace it ALL. have an awesome experience. amaze yourself.

[Matt8800]

@Nadosa In Theravada Buddhism, they call your stage "the dark night" (english translation). Its all explained in Daniel Ingram's Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha, along with how to get through it to the next stage on the path.

I went through the stage exactly how you are describing, and how the book described, and I got through it exactly like it instructed to.

[Nadosa]

Thanks. It is gonna be a hard journey. This all is even a proof that I am not my brain. I am just presence. So it seems like a part is awakened another part is still in denial.

[Guest Quanty]

There is no awakening without suffering.