I’m a bit lost

[fabriciom]

Right, so I’ve been “searching” for enlighment for about 3 years. I feel I have awaken some how. I can see the ego in me doing it’s thing. But I almost always find my self in the end result when it has already done something. Specially when interacting with other egos. I have improved greatly over time and I have come to understand and feel that I am nothing. But I still do not feel free, Im still the slave to my ego. There are also a lot of thought going around my head that when I sit down and observe them I see their false truth. But again, I can not stop thinking about silly things that “will make me happy”. Meditation helps greatly but after a while that “high” is gone and Im back behind the wheels of a driverless truck coming doing a mountain out of control.

So yes, any help welcomed. 

[Saumaya]

@fabriciom Whats your goal in all this?

[fabriciom]

I would not call it goal but I would like to be free of my mind. I would like to stop suffering. I would like to live with out being affected by the attachment that it creates with things, thoughts, places, situations, etc.

[Saumaya]

Sounds like the effects of enlightenment. You cant really search for enlightenment. Enlightenment is right here, but self is in the way. Work on removing the self. I recommend you read jed mckenna.

[NoSelfSelf]

You are lost because you still didnt see what you are and what you are not...

[who chit]

4 minutes ago, Saumaya said:

I recommend you read jed mckenna.

Haha, Jed is a straight shooter. I talked to several people who read  The Damndest Thing, that got psychologically depressed for a while after reading it. The only reason is they had a pre-conceived idea of what enlightenment is supposed to be. He really hits on the self destruction aspect, in a rather cryptic way.

[fabriciom]

1 hour ago, Saumaya said:

Sounds like the effects of enlightenment. You cant really search for enlightenment. Enlightenment is right here, but self is in the way. Work on removing the self. I recommend you read jed mckenna.

I have read the power of now and a new earth several times and go back to them when I feel lost. I have also listened to talks done by Tolle, Ram Das, Adyashanti, and many others for the past 2-3 years. Do you think that jed mckenna will help me?

[fabriciom]

1 hour ago, NoSelfSelf said:

You are lost because you still didnt see what you are and what you are not...

I know that Im no-thing. I can feel that is the only real thing inside me. But that does not take away my mind going into autopilot and doing its thing. I can hear the silence in my head during most of the day. But as soon as I get to work its gone or when Im in the street and I walk by someone. Ego goes back into effect and Im back at the passenger seat.

[Rilles]

1 minute ago, fabriciom said:

But as soon as I get to work its gone or when Im in the street and I walk by someone. Ego goes back into effect and Im back at the passenger seat.

Then thats what you need to work on, being aware in highly stimulating situations, youve hit a plateau, keep going. Am i onto something?

[Saumaya]

18 minutes ago, fabriciom said:

I have read the power of now and a new earth several times and go back to them when I feel lost. I have also listened to talks done by Tolle, Ram Das, Adyashanti, and many others for the past 2-3 years. Do you think that jed mckenna will help me?

Jed Mckenna is the best. He will definitely help you. All the authors you mentioned give watered down information.

[fabriciom]

Just now, Saumaya said:

Jed Mckenna is the best. He will definitely help you. All the authors you mentioned give watered down information.

Thank you, will take a look.

[who chit]

Have you tried inquiry?  The beginning of thought is the "I" thought. Inquire into the source from which the I arises.

[fabriciom]

11 minutes ago, who chit said:

Have you tried inquiry?  The beginning of thought is the "I" thought. Inquire into the source from which the I arises.

Yes, I've also done guided meditations and try to abide in the self as much as I can.

I mostly like enjoying being while meditating. I know as soon as I start asking questions the mind is back at it so I just concentrate in the space, silence and stillness.

Edited June 5, 2018 by fabriciom

[who chit]

29 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

When you watch Jed Mckenna videos he is speaking with a stupid story telling voice, why? I can barely listen to it because of that. It's 100% scripted and 100% free from any kind of emotions.

 I don't think the narrator is Jed, not 100% sure though. Reading the book would be much better imo. More engaging. He's a good writer for sure. I was engaged enough to read it in one sitting. That's usually not the case, lol.
There's a free pdf online if you look for it.

[who chit]

1 hour ago, fabriciom said:

I mostly like enjoying being while meditating.I just concentrate in the space, silence and stillness.

Good deal. If you can access that silent space you're doing good.

 

Quote

But as soon as I get to work its gone or when Im in the street and I walk by someone. Ego goes back into effect and Im back at the passenger seat.

During waking state,be vigilant about remembering and bringing attention back to that as soon as you're aware attention is lost in thought/ego distraction. Thought and ego are not separate, so when thought arises,ego arises with it. Work on not grasping at thought, try to settle back and let it pass. Definitely takes discipline because it's an engrained behavior to the point of being automatic.

This is supposing you're not doing that already.

Edited June 5, 2018 by who chit

[NoSelfSelf]

@fabriciom do you try to control things?

[fabriciom]

41 minutes ago, who chit said:

Good deal. If you can access that silent space you're doing good.

 

During waking state,be vigilant about remembering and bringing attention back to that as soon as you're aware attention is lost in thought/ego distraction. Thought and ego are not separate, so when thought arises,ego arises with it. Work on not grasping at thought, try to settle back and let it pass. Definitely takes discipline because it's an engrained behavior to the point of being automatic.

This is supposing you're not doing that already.

Thing is that I can't be concentrating in emptiness or stillness while "living". Thats why there are moments I eventually lose control. I have to use my mind to work, so I can't just try to stop thinking there. 

A while back when I had more time to practice and I was meditating everyday I did reach a point when I was able to see the thoughts come and let them pass but it was just a couple of instances while meditating and I eventually lost it.

Best I have a right now is find the stillness in my mind and get back to it with about an hour of meditation daily.

[fabriciom]

40 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@fabriciom do you try to control things?

No, at least not concisely. I try to let life do its thing and just observe and not judge.

I have learned through meditation that even though I think something my mind is thinking something else Im not even aware of. So I can not be 100% sure of anything.

Edited June 5, 2018 by fabriciom

[Nahm]

@fabriciom Psychedelics? 

[fabriciom]

40 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@fabriciom Psychedelics? 

Tried it and did experience some ego death and viewed the difference roles I play in life, it wasn't enough. At least not enough compared to other experience I lived by meditating and reading/listening and learning.

The thing is that what ever I felt was induced by the drug and wast not stable or permanent. Also, the side effects where horrible. I felt physically sick and had some out of control paranoias. Time perception was lost and there where moments I did not know where I was. Definitely not recommendable.

I have felt the oneness and love for everything during meditation. This was constant and did not fluctuate. It was as deep and strong as the trip but just over all better.

Edited June 5, 2018 by fabriciom