How should i go about telling my husband i was abused?

[Stella1976]

It wasn't until yesterday that I fully came to terms with what happened to me. I feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure. I am feeling so sad. I am a weak spineless person. I am truly lost. This is so upsetting to me I don’t think I can discuss this verbally with anyone without bursting into tears. I am a 42year old woman what is wrong with me? My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have a 15year old daughter! I am 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. I have a rather large breasts and i do have a big butt. I don't intend to dress in any particular 'way' for anyone. I just wear what I like. I don't 'ask' for anything. I don't ask to be groped. I wear clothes that fit me properly. Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses.I am always on high heels and full make up on. If you are curvy, tall and busty, many clothes tend to look sexier on you than on a thin person. So things that fit properly that are relatively conservative can be suddenly too revealing and sexy when you put it on. This happens to me a lot.I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I was sexualised from a very early age, and shamed for the way my body looks - something I have no control over. I can't help how wide my hips grow or how big my breasts get. 

My mother used to shame me for the way my body looked. If I wanted to wear a skirt or dress, she always discouraged it, she always thought my skirt was 'too short' or 'too tight', or there was something wrong with my dress-sense. There's always guys flirting or asking me for my number. When i go out in public guys start talking to me and subtlety try to ask me out. I mention i have a husband but some of them wont go away. I have trouble being mean so i cant get them to leave me alone. I end up getting stressed by it. The irony is that all this time I've been afraid of men, perceiving any touch as a sexual advance that I should fear - when really, it was a short,skinny old woman I should have feared. My story just seems so implausible that I feel I won't be believe. Three months ago on February 12th i i attended women over 40 conference in the neighboring town. I was wearing a purple long sleeve satin blouse buttoned up to the top,my black satin pencil skirt, sheer black pantyhose and my 5 inch heels purple shoes. I left my coat in my car.I sat down and this short like 5ft3 skinny freckled face creepy green eyes thin lips red haired masculine woman in her mid 50s sat right next to me on my left hand side. The conference started and a few minutes in this creepy ginger woman beside me leaned over slightly and whispered something about the conference, as she squeezed my shoulder. I nodded, trying to ignore her presence, but her hand stayed on my shoulder after she squeezed it; in fact she began rubbing my shoulder as she introduced herself.

I squirmed slightly, trying to let her know i didn't appreciate being touched by a stranger, but it had the unfortunate effect of shifting her hand slightly onto my chest. "I'm sorry,"s he whispered - "It's just that i can’t resist touching and stroking satin fabric". She was now rubbing in slightly larger circles, moving further onto my chest near my collar bone - well above my breasts. 

Her hand slipped a bit lower, and her fingers brushed against the upper slope of my left breast. Her fingers now going back upwards, and then to my shoulder - then back to the center of my collarbone, where her fingers toyed with one of the small buttons there.

Her hand was rubbing in circles again. 

"It's just so soft and smooth, - do you mind if I feel it for just a moment more?" Her hand was drifting lower and lower. Then her hand was slipping all the way onto my breasts. She began rubbing her hand in a circular motion against my breasts. Her right hand was practically constantly on my breasts during the conference. I sat there totally paralyzed. I couldn't move my hands and legs. I couldn't talk normal. I couldn't get words out of my mouth. Mouth was open but no words came out of it. It was like i went into ‘freeze’ mode when she started touching me.I just was in shock. The conference ended I started to rise from the chair while she was still sitting, and she then reached over and squeezed my butt about four or five times .

I didn't know what to do, and I actually laughed, even though that was the last thing I felt like doing. At the post conference cocktail she was behind me with her both hands rubbing my ass. At one point she hugged me from behind subtly placing her hands on my breasts and cupped and started to stroke my breasts . I just stood there stiff as a board not saying a word. Other women at the conference were weirded out but they ignored that and said/did nothing as if nothing was happening.I think that the women were in shock themselves,maybe they thought we knew each other?Unfortunately some people don’t like to get involved if they feel uncomfortable or threatened or not sure what is going on. While i was walking to my car she was walking behind me with her hands on my ass talking to me about the conference.She was resting her hands on my butt.She had her arm around me from behind and was just cupping one of my boobs. I tried to walk fast but i was on a 5inch high heels.I didn’t say anything or tell her to stop. I was just standing and sitting there letting it happen. Afterwards when i got home I started breathing hard, my legs got weak, and my heart started to race really fast.I have never felt such shame or degradation like this in my life. That happened to me three months ago but i am still so embarrassed by the whole thing.I was physically stronger than her and eventually had to push her off me to make her stop,but I was quiet and afraid, I let her touch all over my body. I’m embarrassed that this weird ginger short skinny masculine stranger woman was touching me and groping me so intimately in front of more than 60 other women and I did nothing about it.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 6inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget. People only seem to recognise/acknowledge one type of sexual abuse/rape - the 'classic' sense, that of course involves a man, him having the advantage of strength, the act being very violent, involving overpowering etc. etc. When...it didn't. At least not for me. The thing is, afterwards, I blocked out what happened and continued on as normal. And while this has happened, I've been too afraid to say anything. I've tried to block it out and ignore. Initially, I've been angry. Now I'm just afraid of the next time it'll happen. I'm so passive and weak. I've been left feeling extremely paranoid and anxious. 

I want to tell my husband about this, but I'm afraid he won't believe me. He is extremely jealous and possessive.He is going to blame me. I'm still in shock, if I'm honest. Really delayed response, too. I don't know what happened to me that I just decided I couldn't face what happened and I had to repress. I had to move on as if nothing had happened. I feel so foolish and used by this pervert hideous short skinny mature total stranger woman.

[Gabriel Antonio]

Congratulations for breaking the silence... This is the first step for your healing.

I am sorry you had to go through that. It's such a humilliation.. and I can sense how powerless you must have felt.

This is a very touchy subject... Have you considered talking to a therapist?

I hope you get well!

[Buddha Jackson]

@Gabriel Antonio What has happened in the past has already happened. The best thing you can do is to think compassionately whenever you think of that past experience. Next time if you are mindful you can let the other person know that you dont like what they are doing and walk away 

[Nahm]

What about now?

 

 

Now?

[Stella1976]

8 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Congratulations for breaking the silence... This is the first step for your healing.

I am sorry you had to go through that. It's such a humilliation.. and I can sense how powerless you must have felt.

This is a very touchy subject... Have you considered talking to a therapist?

I hope you get well!

Thank you i am feeling so lost.Thanks you for reading this.I feel completely used and humiliated by this total stranger woman.I know this may sound like I’m overreacting, but I genuinely felt violated.I was practically hand raped by this pervert weird short skinny mature ugly total stranger woman.It was probably the most humiliating experience of my life. I just felt so powerless.I’m so terriby deeply humiliated by her.People often think i am stuck up arrogant and a bit of a snob when i am NOTHING like that at all,i have also been told that i think i am better than everyone else.People are saying to me that i look very serious, arrogant, and stuck up.People have told me that they always thought I was stuck up or that I thought I was too good for everyone else.I hate that so much….especially because the total opposite is true.Well, this never happened to me before, until now. I am 42year old woman.It was probably the most humiliating experience of my life.I was totally numb while she was touching me.I have no desire to do anything sexual with a women.I am 100% straight. I’ve never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. In all honest just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes me cringe.I’m posting this here since the incident was mildly traumatic for me even though I definitely wasn’t raped but i really think I was sexually assaulted. I just kind of want some thoughts or advice from people and don’t want to talk about it with people I know.I just kind of want to hear opinions or advice or something from someone. Should I tell my husband? I want to tell him but Im afraid that he might get mad at me or something.I need someone to talk to.I just want someone to talk to. I don’t really know who.I understand that I’m being a wimp.It seems as though she targeted me from the very beginning.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 5inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget but she was not intimidated by me.Why? 

Edited May 14, 2018 by Stella1976

[Robert]

Sit him down and just tell him straight out. Be open and honest and have a spine. Learn from your mistake with the older woman.

Also, stop calling people ugly. It's not nice.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Stella1976 Sorry, I am not able to read your whole post.... but I suggest you watch Leo's victim video first... it will help with wording this from the point of view of acceptance... if your husband "blames you" for being assaulted,  then perhaps it's time to find a new partner... 

[zoey101]

2 minutes ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

@Stella1976 Sorry, I am not able to read your whole post.... but I suggest you watch Leo's victim video first... it will help with wording this from the point of view of acceptance... if your husband "blames you" for being assaulted,  then perhaps it's time to find a new partner... 

Agreed  

@Stella1976 if you doubt he will be supportive and loving towards you, then you may need to either examine the relationship itself, or examine how your abuse has possibly warped your mind and how you think about others and how you trust or don't trust them. 

Therapy is never a bad option, if you are able to do it. I think that if you give him the chance though, he could surprise you  I truly do believe that most humans wish to love and protect their mate much more than hate and reject them. 

Thank you for being strong enough to take the first step. Now you need to take the next one, and only you can decide what that step is and how big it will be. Then just keep taking steps toward the person you want to be. You are stronger than you think! And love more than you believe.

Just stay strong! You can do this! You are worth it!

[Stella1976]

1 hour ago, zoey101 said:

Agreed  

@Stella1976 if you doubt he will be supportive and loving towards you, then you may need to either examine the relationship itself, or examine how your abuse has possibly warped your mind and how you think about others and how you trust or don't trust them. 

Therapy is never a bad option, if you are able to do it. I think that if you give him the chance though, he could surprise you  I truly do believe that most humans wish to love and protect their mate much more than hate and reject them. 

Thank you for being strong enough to take the first step. Now you need to take the next one, and only you can decide what that step is and how big it will be. Then just keep taking steps toward the person you want to be. You are stronger than you think! And love more than you believe.

Just stay strong! You can do this! You are worth it!

I don't want my husband to found out of that situation with this short skinny awful pervert ginger old woman. He is going to blame me.  4 years ago I had an affair on my husband which I regret terribly.It has been a difficult journey for my husband,he can't seem to forgive me. My husband looses it at times and says some really crappy things about me in front of our daughter and I am afraid of what she may think of me.I don't want this to ruin her future,which I feel could. I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.My husband and I where going through some sex issues at the time. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair. 

This other man can't compare to my husband as far as having character (just because I fell prey to this situation doesn't mean I've lost my ability to recognize character and integrity - I realized I've comprised mine BIG time). My husband is a WONDERFUL man that any woman would LOVE to have...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely). 
The affair has been done and over and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me atleast. It's almost like he is hearing it from the very first day all over again.He is soooo angry still,I can't understand it. I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened. I don’t have an issue with lesbians doing what they do and i don’t dislike them as people.I am not homophobic.I’ve been having this feeling of having been violated and I think I have been because this awful pervert woman just walked all over my boundaries.It is a very horrible feeling.I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself.I’m confused and my mind doesn’t stop. I really worry that I’m going to lose myself completely! I don want to waste anyone’s time but I had to get some of this out of my head.What is wrong with me? Is this a normal reaction to getting attacked…to disappear into your head and go limp or rigid? I’ve never heard anyone say they did this and I’m so ashamed that I couldn’t even say no or push this pervert hideous short skinny mature total stranger woman away. I have large boobs, and men like to tell me about them. Men talk about them a lot, but no man ever dares to touch them. If he did I would tell him to fuck off. If he did I would scream. If he did I might even report it. It is all my fault. I let that woman walk all over me.

[Stella1976]

13 hours ago, Buddha Jackson said:

@Gabriel Antonio What has happened in the past has already happened. The best thing you can do is to think compassionately whenever you think of that past experience. Next time if you are mindful you can let the other person know that you dont like what they are doing and walk away 

I don’t want to talk about it with my friends or people I know.I wanted to share this i am to ashamed.I don’t think I can discuss this verbally with anyone.If i meet this pervert woman i am going to put a lot of distance between the two of us.What if i freeze again?I don’t want to go to the neighboring town because of this awful woman.I am so confused about what happened to me!Whether or not it is my fault or not!I feel so ashamed.It is all my fault. I let that woman walk all over me.I’m physically stronger.I let that weird woman get away with so much.I was totally paralyzed.I am scared to see a therapist.I am terrified that I wont be able to even tell the therapist whats wrong with me.Please be brutally honest.I suppose I’m asking the question as to whether I give off subconsicous “please come take advantage of me” signals because it was scary how easily she started touching me.And this woman is short and skinny in her mid 50s.I am physically stronger than her.Standing next to me she looked like a midget.That awful woman ruined me.I was totally paralyzed.I just collapsed into myself.I feel so humiliated.It was like i went into ‘freeze’ mode when she started touching me.I just was in shock.What happened I feel has traumatized me so much.Please tell me am I overreacting? I'm confident that I look good in my clothes my style is "sexy but classy" I don't believe I have ever offended or embarrased myself or anyone with my wardrobe.I am a very classy woman and i would never dress in a cheap trashy way. I have noticed, that at times I apologize for the size of my boobs. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I love my height and my curvy stature. I love satin and silk clothes and dressing up too. I am always in high heels with hair and makeup done. That’s just who I am.I love dressing up, I’ve tried dressing down, but I always end up changing. My clothes are there to be worn!People always ask me why I’m so dressed up.I always like to dress on my best, because I also feel great when I’m dressed pretty. Once, i’d been to the hairdressers and was off to do a little shopping afterwards and the girl at the salon asked where i was going looking so glamorous – i said i was going shopping and she was like “really? You look so glammed up to be going shopping!” I don’t mind though, i’d rather be wearing something i feel good in than look like i just rolled out of bed. I am uncomfortable in social settings and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around other people. I've been asked soooo many times 'why are you so serious' when I'm not feeling serious at that moment. I unintentionally tend to give off an unfriendly aura which has led people to ask if I dislike them. When I feel nervous I try to compensate by being really confident. I guess other people take that as me being arrogant. I've been told I come across as stuck up/snobby full of myself, narcissistic, stuck up etc., and also very unwelcoming to new people. Technically the second part is true as new people terrify me, but the first bit is very untrue.And the truth is, i just can't talk to everyone... not that i don't want to. I just need time to open myself to people. To relax and open up. I hate that I come off like that. When I do speak with people, I tend to be overly nice to compensate and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. People around me (except for the ones who truly know me) have always said that I come across as snobby, stuck on myself, and unfriendly. The truth is, I'm just really shy and insecure when it comes to socializing with people. I do have several close friends, but it bugs me that A LOT of people think I'm a snob when that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been told that I seem snobby and it is because I don't speak up in groups where I am not comfortable. I have had people ask me if I thought I was better than others.

[Gabriel Antonio]

I don't think your husband will help you with this issue... At least for now... 

This blog post might help you: https://www.actualized.org/insights/how-to-find-psychics-healers 

[Stella1976]

5 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

I don't think your husband will help you with this issue... At least for now... 

This blog post might help you: https://www.actualized.org/insights/how-to-find-psychics-healers 

 I feel so foolish and used by this pervert  short skinny old total stranger woman.I have never had this happen to me before.I don't know what to think about what happened.I am really scared to tell my husband or anyone about it. I feel so degraded and humiliated.I feel like i am at the lowest point of my life because of my freeze response to touching and groping by this creepy repulsive short skinny pervert total stranger woman.Thanks for reading and sorry for being such a downer.

[Gabriel Antonio]

The internet has its limits. 

I think is imperative that you seek help with face-to-face therapy (it can be a psychic) to further your healing.

Have you ever heard of family constellation? It might help you also.

 

Edited May 26, 2018 by Gabriel Antonio

[Jamie Universe]

Talking to anyone face-to-face can be the process by which you deal with this.

But I get that's a big scary step to take, you might want to consider making a journal and writing your thoughts out about it. Having the conversation is important, and could be the thing that gives you courage to take action. 

If concerns about your husband come up in your mind when considering to tell your husband about this, then you should realize your relationship with him, if you don't want to tell him because your afraid it will make him more angry, then that signals a dysfunctional relationship. But as I see it, if you tell your husband and he blames you for it, and your relationship deteriorates, then maybe it was for the better? Or otherwise, you appeal emotionally to him and become emotionally vulnerable with him, and that gap in your relationship heals up, and he can forgive you.

The easy thing to do, and what most people probably would do, is to sweep this under the rug. But don't let that happen to you, you need to research/face this problem somehow.  

 

 

P.S. I'm bi-sexual guy, and the politically correct thing is that everyone is open and accepting to LGBTQ, but they forget that there's still the rapists and pedophiles out there, and also because of the strong cultural emphasis on men raping women, its a natural response if a man gropes a women for the women to be able to be defensive and go to court with them. But as you said

On ‎5‎/‎14‎/‎2018 at 3:20 PM, Stella1976 said:

Men talk about them a lot, but no man ever dares to touch them. If he did I would tell him to fuck off. If he did I would scream. If he did I might even report it. It is all my fault. I let that woman walk all over me.

 

I've had a somewhat similar experience (though less traumatic) Where my mom touched me a little to much. I've kind of gave hints that it made me feel uncomfortable and said "stop" or something similar a couple of times, and she stopped now. But I considered taking legal action about it for a while, but decided against it, because I am still living with her. 

So its my best guess that you didn't do anything about it, because you had some sort of inhibition, maybe you were afraid of making a scene in public, maybe your used to repressing bad experiences, and that's your go-to response. I don't know what prevented you from doing something about it, but I'm not surprised. Its pretty typical of humans not to take action against problems.

[Gabriel Antonio]

22 hours ago, Jamie Universe said:

But as I see it, if you tell your husband and he blames you for it, and your relationship deteriorates, then maybe it was for the better?

Good point

[Jamie Universe]

@Gabriel Antonio 

[thehero]

I have such deep compassion, because this reminds me of me at times. Much love <3

[Stella1976]

On 5/26/2018 at 9:59 PM, Jamie Universe said:

Talking to anyone face-to-face can be the process by which you deal with this.

But I get that's a big scary step to take, you might want to consider making a journal and writing your thoughts out about it. Having the conversation is important, and could be the thing that gives you courage to take action. 

If concerns about your husband come up in your mind when considering to tell your husband about this, then you should realize your relationship with him, if you don't want to tell him because your afraid it will make him more angry, then that signals a dysfunctional relationship. But as I see it, if you tell your husband and he blames you for it, and your relationship deteriorates, then maybe it was for the better? Or otherwise, you appeal emotionally to him and become emotionally vulnerable with him, and that gap in your relationship heals up, and he can forgive you.

The easy thing to do, and what most people probably would do, is to sweep this under the rug. But don't let that happen to you, you need to research/face this problem somehow.  

 

 

P.S. I'm bi-sexual guy, and the politically correct thing is that everyone is open and accepting to LGBTQ, but they forget that there's still the rapists and pedophiles out there, and also because of the strong cultural emphasis on men raping women, its a natural response if a man gropes a women for the women to be able to be defensive and go to court with them. But as you said

 

I've had a somewhat similar experience (though less traumatic) Where my mom touched me a little to much. I've kind of gave hints that it made me feel uncomfortable and said "stop" or something similar a couple of times, and she stopped now. But I considered taking legal action about it for a while, but decided against it, because I am still living with her. 

So its my best guess that you didn't do anything about it, because you had some sort of inhibition, maybe you were afraid of making a scene in public, maybe your used to repressing bad experiences, and that's your go-to response. I don't know what prevented you from doing something about it, but I'm not surprised. Its pretty typical of humans not to take action against problems.

Why do I feel so ashamed to tell anyone what happened? Will it always feel like this?  I'm just wondering how do you shake memories that you want to forget and cant? I just wish I could push a button in my heart and instantly fix it. Lately I've been wondering why I was molested by this total stranger short skinny hideous old woman? I know I could have probably stopped her...but I just want to know why she has done this to me. Am I an easy target? Do I have grope me on the top of my forehead and I can't see it? Is it my fault? .It seems as though she targeted me from the very beginning.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 5inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget but she was not intimidated by me.Why? Did I gave her signals that screamed grope me? Will I ever know the answer? 

I'm starting to get angry about this. Is this normal? Being angry about being sexually abused? The main question is: Is this situation my fault?