Tired of the human condition

[jillmars7]

I keep thinking that I want to be relieved of the human condition. The need to eat and work to survive. Nothing satisfies me. All I have are addictions to certain distractions such as binge eating and watching videos, looking at bizarre pictures and at certain times I derive satisfaction in the plight of annoying celebrities. Everything bores me. I find most people I meet loathsome. Sometimes I'm angry that they are sheep. I'm also upset with this disgusting ego of mine because of how I want to be recognized for my ideas and how badly I want to be special and adored. But I also don't want the attention of sheep.

I believe in a spiritual realm where fairies and angels live but I am terrified of seeing one. I am afraid of the dark and of evil. I am afraid that I am evil. It terrifies me to think that my soul is corrupted. I know aliens exist and I am aware that all souls are one but I am incredibly lonely. I am also reading over this as I type it and think how incredibly insane it sounds then I feel disgusted in myself. I feel like all I want to do is sound good and make sense. I want to be accepted. I am aware that wanting to be accepted is a condition from my incredibly huge ego. I hate my ego. I believe my ego is the cause of my insecurities. But I can't help but want to be significant.

I believe that somehow service to others is the path to happiness but I can't make myself want to even get out of bed. Sometimes I look up at the sky and want to see alien spacecraft just to know there's something other than this reality I'm living in. Even though I know they exist, I just want to see it with my own eyes. Currently my greatest interest is to go through hypnosis just to see what my higher self wants to say. Sometimes I'm afraid my higher self isn't as magnificent as I would like it to be. I am aware that that's not for me to decide. I am curious who I was in my last life. My ego wants me to have been someone spectacular. Sometimes I wish I was Cleopatra. Although she went through much suffering so I don't know how much I would enjoy that idea. But I just want to be recognized for that in this life. How selfish of me.

I want to relieve myself of the human condition. There's way too much work and burden to feel somewhat fulfilled. So at times I have thoughts of killing myself. I didn't like my life much and still don't. I will not kill myself but my thoughts keep entertaining the idea. I'm so ungrateful and I'm a bit ashamed of it. Some people find joy in living and would probably like my life if they had it because it is comfortable and I live in a first world country, I'm never hungry and there's always something to do if I choose. But... like Leo said in one of his videos, I yearn for life to be magical.

[Shin]

What kind of spiritual practice do you entertain ?

[Preetom]

Find out what you are missing..
https://youtu.be/QY19rcu7Oh0?t=1m21s

[starsofclay]

@jillmars7 do you feel any better after posting this? Sometimes it helps to just get it out...

[Guest Quanty]

If you run from your ego you will fall deeper into it. Start by pure selfishness, forget that other people even exist while you discover who you really are. Path to happiness cannot be the service to others. Service to others is only a byproduct of you knowing who you are in the first place.

You will never find yourself through other people. Embrace and rediscover what human condition really is. Read my post of ''HOW TO Enlightenment Journey'' and start getting out of your mind. 

 

Blessings

[frnsh]

I feel similar sometimes and I have been thinking that most of it comes from being judgmental, to yourself and also others. You want things to be ideal and when they are not, they seem disgusting to you. You see so much in everything to the tiniest details and sometimes it destroys the whole image of that thing. 

What has worked for me is zooming out and having a bigger perspective. This is it, the world is like this and is BEING, so try to Be with the world. Not meaning to be a sheep but to not expect from it so much and see how it is beautifully BEING. Zooming in to people and yourself is great to improve yourself but also hurts as sometimes can lead to disgust. But it doesn't mean it is going to stay like this, it will change as you improve and as your wold gets bigger than seeing mostly negative things in everything.  

[Nahm]

@jillmars7 Reads like an advertisement for meditation. You can escape all that conditioning, and it’s pure joy. The joy is already there, now. It’s covered with layers of shit.

[Vipassana]

sounds like you need some mushrooms for a rude awakening. You'll see demons, sheep, angels and you'll also realize that all of them are you! You're the deceiver, you're the deception.