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Santiago

I don't know if I like her but I told her I do

35 posts in this topic

Hi.. I am 27 years old, male, virgin.

 

I never had a girlfriend, I went out with maybe 8 girls in a date, kissed many of them and didn't feel anything, I just kissed them to see what if felt like not because I liked them. And I dated them just because I wanted to see if I liked them afterwards, and I never did.

Then I stopped caring altogether, just kept masturbating until now, 27 years old, and I never had sexual desires during this period, because I was satisfied by the daily masturbation.

I know I have severe psychological issues regarding relationships in general, friendships, family, girls, etc. I only have 1 friend now and I am not even sure how much I love him.. and I am not sure if I love my family.. It's like I have this huge armor separating me from everybody, I am disconnected from attachment and fearful of connecting with people and depending on others.

 


Then there is this girl from my workplace, a week ago I went out with her and a friend of mine who also works there, we went to dance, and I made out with this girl, and liked it. I mean I didn't LOVE IT, but it felt good, I had a boner and it got interesting. This was a first timer for me, actually enjoying kissing a girl..
This was 1 week ago and since that moment she has come to my house 3 times to sleep, I mean we meet somewhere and then I mention if she wants to come and she does.. I didn't have sex with her, just touching, and giving her oral, but the majority of the time I don't really enjoy it..

 

So, let's put it briefly:

*Only a few moments I manage to really like touching her, her butt, her tits, etc. The majority of time I don't, and I can't connect with her.

*I don't know if I like her, I suppose I do since I had been thinking about her for some time now, but not THAT MUCH, always saw her like she could be a potential GF, but I was never crazy about her (or any other woman whatsoever). I also sometimes enjoy making out with her and touching her, but the majority of the time it feels like I don't connect with her and I am insecure, nervous, thinking, not relaxed, etc.

*She asked me if I like her and I told her I do but I am not actually sure about this, and this girl is 100% invested in me, she has told me many things like she always liked me and I am cute, and she loves touching me, etc... So she is 100% invested.  And I don't want to hurt her!!

 

What should I do? I am not sure if I like her or not, I know I have this issues(and she knows I am virgin and I had issues liking girls before), but I am not sure if I like her and just can't overcome this fears, or if I don't like her and that's it... So I don't know what to do? should I tell her?

I am afraid that I like her but just can't connect because of all this fears and insecurities I have.. But then I have doubts if I actually like her or not, because It could also be that I just don't like her that much... But then again, what If I do?? 
Yesterday, after not masturbating for 5 days I managed to orgasm with her, while rubbing my penis to her leg.... but after that I couldn't get it really hard the rest of the night..

 

Suggestions? I don't want to hurt her, and I also don't want her to leave me if I tell her that I doubt if I actually like her... because maybe I like her and I just need some time to open myself up...

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I would be honest with her, without going overboard. I’ve recently started dating someone I really like. I experienced some feelings similiar to you. I told her I was experiencing several flavors of feelings including attraction, joy, love, insecurity and fear. I also described my blocks to connecting deeper with her. Many women would have left at this point, yet this woman likes a guy that has self awareness, wants to grow and can communicate emotions. And now I know she supports me for who I am and not someone I am trying to portray. 

Remember, these are just thoughts and feelings. You can observe them without attachment. When I shared my experience with my gf, I was stable - not needy. There is a big difference between a guy clutching a woman as cries that he needs her and pleads for her to never leave vs. a guy that initites a sit down conversation and shares that during his recent meditations he observed insecure thoughts/feelings. He became aware that he really likes her and fearful thoughts/feelings may be arising as a prorective mechanism against getting hurt. Yet, this protective mechanism is also a block to developing deeper connections with her. Rather than trying to reduce the insecurity through unhealthy behavior, he shares how communicating this to her is working through the block which enables personal growth and deeper connection.

The first guy is an unstable needy mess - women will run away. The second guy is in touch with himself, stable and can communicate effectively. I pretty much told my gf what I wrote above and let the chips fall as they may. She was blown away and told me she had never met a guy so open and able to express himself so clearly.

Again, it is very tempting to “overshare” under the delusion that I am being open. Yet, it is actually very needy and comes across as needy. I have to be in the position of a grounded neutral observer and speak as if I am describing someone else’s thoughts/feelings that I have been observing.

And remember, EVERYONE experiences insecurity and fear. She WILL be able to relate to you to some extent. Yet, getting consumed by insecurity/fear prompts clutchy/needy behavior which attracts unhealthy people and repulses healthy people.

Edited by Serotoninluv

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I have a similar problem, sleeping with her might help. Sounds awful, sure but it can really help. It helps with your insecurities if nothing else.

Giving oral is boring.

Either way you probably don't like her that much, maybe you just like her because of her gender, it's a common thing.

If you want to have a sex drive don't masturbate for, say 2 weeks and you'll be in the mood for sure.

Edited by Spiral

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On 23/11/2017 at 8:04 PM, Spiral said:

 

On 23/11/2017 at 7:14 PM, Serotoninluv said:

I would be honest with her, without going overboard. I’ve recently started dating someone I really like. I experienced some feelings similiar to you. I told her I was experiencing several flavors of feelings including attraction, joy, love, insecurity and fear. I also described my blocks to connecting deeper with her. Many women would have left at this point, yet this woman likes a guy that has self awareness, wants to grow and can communicate emotions. And now I know she supports me for who I am and not someone I am trying to portray. 

Remember, these are just thoughts and feelings. You can observe them without attachment. When I shared my experience with my gf, I was stable - not needy. There is a big difference between a guy clutching a woman as cries that he needs her and pleads for her to never leave vs. a guy that initites a sit down conversation and shares that during his recent meditations he observed insecure thoughts/feelings. He became aware that he really likes her and fearful thoughts/feelings may be arising as a prorective mechanism against getting hurt. Yet, this protective mechanism is also a block to developing deeper connections with her. Rather than trying to reduce the insecurity through unhealthy behavior, he shares how communicating this to her is working through the block which enables personal growth and deeper connection.

The first guy is an unstable needy mess - women will run away. The second guy is in touch with himself, stable and can communicate effectively. I pretty much told my gf what I wrote above and let the chips fall as they may. She was blown away and told me she had never met a guy so open and able to express himself so clearly.

Again, it is very tempting to “overshare” under the delusion that I am being open. Yet, it is actually very needy and comes across as needy. I have to be in the position of a grounded neutral observer and speak as if I am describing someone else’s thoughts/feelings that I have been observing.

And remember, EVERYONE experiences insecurity and fear. She WILL be able to relate to you to some extent. Yet, getting consumed by insecurity/fear prompts clutchy/needy behavior which attracts unhealthy people and repulses healthy people.

 

Thanks for the feedback!

Yeah I thought about being honest, but I don't know how can I tell her that I don't know if I actually like her or not...

I might tell her that I am terrified of falling in love or relating with people, and it might be true, but I am not even 100% sure this is the reason I feel like this with her.. (and any other girl I have tried with)... maybe I am gay and I don't even know, after all I have dated many girls now and never really got too aroused with any of them, just a little bit with this one in particular.. it could be fears and disconnectedness, but it could also be something else... like me not actually liking her or being gay, who knows.

How do I tell her that I might like her but I am not sure, and that I am even doubting my sexuality at this point, and that maybe I am blocked by fears and I can't let go and enjoy her company, or maybe I just don't like her...

I am actually thinking in doing this.. in talking honestly with her and tell her all my insecurities and doubts, and let her decide what she wants to do.. because it's honest, and I don't want to mislead her anymore. But at the same time I am afraid she will leave me and then I will find out that I actually liked her and I just needed a little bit more of time to connect with her..

 

On 23/11/2017 at 8:04 PM, Spiral said:

I have a similar problem, sleeping with her might help. Sounds awful, sure but it can really help. It helps with your insecurities if nothing else.

Giving oral is boring.

Either way you probably don't like her that much, maybe you just like her because of her gender, it's a common thing.

If you want to have a sex drive don't masturbate for, say 2 weeks and you'll be in the mood for sure.

 

Yeah I thought about nofap, and I am doing it right now, but it's difficult when you are seeing a girl twice a week and you end up kissing her and rubbing your penis to her body.. it's like edging.. or you end up in bed trying to have sex and getting a boner and pre-ejaculating but not being able to orgasm.. it kills nofap, because it's edging.

 

And suppose that I manage to do 2 weeks nofap without seeing her, what next? I meet her and have sex and then the next day my libido is zero like before..

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What is liking her to you anyway? And is it valuable or necessary for the relationship?

And also you can thankfully learn to connect more over time. Meditating and self-inquiry can help you realize how you're not actually separate from her. It's natural for a person to want to keep themselves from loving other people. It's scary. You can try to get more used to the idea of commitment (not because it's "right" or anything, just so that you can commit to things and focus on it instead of always watching out). I remember this video helping me out, maybe it helps you.

Self love and a positive approach to yourself also helps plenty with connecting. Since if you're more connected with yourself, it is easier to connect with others. These 2 videos helped me create that, the first one comes with an exercise I recommend doing at least once

https://youtu.be/abRaPYjb6mA

For how to connect with others, it's not so much about "figuring it out" with your thoughts. Try to feel how you're feeling and see how she's feeling. Sort of sense your energies or in other words the underlying messages. Let things flow from there on.

 

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@Santiago open up. tell her that you're struggling to discover this thing called love because it's an unexplored territory for you.

being sincere is the best way to create valuable connections.

dunno if you like gypsy jazz, but this one is for you:

 


unborn Truth

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@ajasatya I like how you are always about just opening up and sharing what you feel. 

That's very important indeed and makes for better communication and your bond deepening


In the depths of winter,
I finally learned that within me 
there lay an invincible summer.

- Albert Camus

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On 26/11/2017 at 8:07 AM, YaNanNallari said:

What is liking her to you anyway? And is it valuable or necessary for the relationship?

And also you can thankfully learn to connect more over time. Meditating and self-inquiry can help you realize how you're not actually separate from her. It's natural for a person to want to keep themselves from loving other people. It's scary. You can try to get more used to the idea of commitment (not because it's "right" or anything, just so that you can commit to things and focus on it instead of always watching out). I remember this video helping me out, maybe it helps you.

Self love and a positive approach to yourself also helps plenty with connecting. Since if you're more connected with yourself, it is easier to connect with others. These 2 videos helped me create that, the first one comes with an exercise I recommend doing at least once

https://youtu.be/abRaPYjb6mA

For how to connect with others, it's not so much about "figuring it out" with your thoughts. Try to feel how you're feeling and see how she's feeling. Sort of sense your energies or in other words the underlying messages. Let things flow from there on.

 

 

Thank you very much! This is exactly what is going on, I am terrified of commitment. I am terrified of depending on somebody else and giving them so much power over me, and also the possibility of letting them down, I fear they will get to know me better and reject me, because of my low self-steem... and as Teal Swan says, it all boils down to the kind of relationship I had with my parents when I was a kid..

All this time I have been hiding from relationships, not only romantic relationships but also friends and family, I isolated myself and I don't let myself feel anything for anybody, because I am terrified of love.

 

On 26/11/2017 at 8:56 AM, ajasatya said:

@Santiago open up. tell her that you're struggling to discover this thing called love because it's an unexplored territory for you.

being sincere is the best way to create valuable connections.

dunno if you like gypsy jazz, but this one is for you:

 

 

I am really thinking about opening up and telling her all this.. But I am afraid she will stop wanting to see me because she will notice how much of a mess I am, and she might not be up for getting involved with a 27 year old guy that is so emotionally blocked and afraid.. 
How will she keep wanting to date me after I tell her that I am doubting everything, even that I like her, and that it all boils down to this fear of commitment that I've had all my life, and that I am not 100% sure if I will be able to let go and connect with her and love her. Think of this: I even doubt loving my father and brother, how will I open up with her in a short period of time?

I doubt if I will be able to handle this, and overcome this fear fast enough to form a loving relationship with her. She might not be willing to wait for me, even tho she has told me that she has liked me for a long time and she is crazy for me...


Thanks for your words guys, and for helping me out to figure what is going on.

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5 minutes ago, Santiago said:

I am really thinking about opening up and telling her all this.. But I am afraid she will stop wanting to see me because she will notice how much of a mess I am, and she might not be up for getting involved with a 27 year old guy that is so emotionally blocked and afraid.

huh, do you think she's clean? hahahahahaaahahahha!

open up and get ready, because she might open up too!

this is where intimate relationships start to become interesting! you might find an ally, a companion for the path of spiritual liberation.

opening up is the very step towards emotional clean up.


unborn Truth

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@Santiago Even if you feel like you're a mess, going through this seeming crisis is a sign of development. A guy who thinks they got it all and never is confused isn't going anywhere great. You're actually developing yourself which leads to realizations and being confused. Keep moving forward and looking for these moments of discovery ^_^

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On 11/25/2017 at 8:32 PM, Santiago said:

Yeah I thought about being honest, but I don't know how can I tell her that I don't know if I actually like her or not...

I might tell her that I am terrified of falling in love or relating with people, and it might be true, but I am not even 100% sure this is the reason I feel like this with her.. (and any other girl I have tried with)... maybe I am gay and I don't even know, after all I have dated many girls now and never really got too aroused with any of them, just a little bit with this one in particular.. it could be fears and disconnectedness, but it could also be something else... like me not actually liking her or being gay, who knows.

How do I tell her that I might like her but I am not sure, and that I am even doubting my sexuality at this point, and that maybe I am blocked by fears and I can't let go and enjoy her company, or maybe I just don't like her...

I am actually thinking in doing this.. in talking honestly with her and tell her all my insecurities and doubts, and let her decide what she wants to do.. because it's honest, and I don't want to mislead her anymore. But at the same time I am afraid she will leave me and then I will find out that I actually liked her and I just needed a little bit more of time to connect with her..

Again, I would express this to her, without going overboard. Yet, I would get grounded first, such that you can observe and sit with the insecurity and uncertainty. If the insecurity and uncertainty does the talking, you will appear as mess. If you are needy and clutchy, you can sabotage your own efforts. Rather than coming across as if you are clueless about yourself, you may be gay and she probably wouldn't want to date you, think about re-framing it. 

1. Rather than being insecure about your sexuality, get curious. Sexuality is fascinating. Sit and observe sexuality - all the possibilities and potential. You could tell her you are curious about your sexuality and want to explore. Perhaps you find various flavors of sexuality intriguing. Get curious about her sexuality? Perhaps ask her if she ever considered exploring her sexuality and how so.

2. Rather than getting caught up fears of losing her, how about letting go of results and getting in touch with your feelings? Again, get interested. What is the source of the fear? Perhaps you could describe these feelings and discuss them. It sounds like you are experiencing a variety of feelings: attraction, connection, caring, insecurity, fear. How interesting. Perhaps you are starting to care for her in a meaningful way and the insecurity is a protective mechanism to protect yourself from getting hurt. Perhaps she has also experienced sexual insecurity and might want to share about her own experience.

The discussion doesn't need to be set up like a black and white decision: either we are boyfriend/girlfriend or we break up. It could be about learning about yourselves. Simply sharing your experience together. When someone opens up, gets vulnerable and is supported by another - that is where the deeper bonding is at. If she wanted a dominant alpha male, she would not still be in contact with you. Yet, you don't have to go to the other extreme and be all needy and clutchy.

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Just be honest and tell her everything.

Relationship where both sides are lying are already doomed from the start.

And just fuck her, spend a day or two with her after, you'll know pretty fast if you want to be with her.

Edited by Shin

God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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19 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

Again, I would express this to her, without going overboard. Yet, I would get grounded first, such that you can observe and sit with the insecurity and uncertainty. If the insecurity and uncertainty does the talking, you will appear as mess. If you are needy and clutchy, you can sabotage your own efforts. Rather than coming across as if you are clueless about yourself, you may be gay and she probably wouldn't want to date you, think about re-framing it. 

1. Rather than being insecure about your sexuality, get curious. Sexuality is fascinating. Sit and observe sexuality - all the possibilities and potential. You could tell her you are curious about your sexuality and want to explore. Perhaps you find various flavors of sexuality intriguing. Get curious about her sexuality? Perhaps ask her if she ever considered exploring her sexuality and how so.

2. Rather than getting caught up fears of losing her, how about letting go of results and getting in touch with your feelings? Again, get interested. What is the source of the fear? Perhaps you could describe these feelings and discuss them. It sounds like you are experiencing a variety of feelings: attraction, connection, caring, insecurity, fear. How interesting. Perhaps you are starting to care for her in a meaningful way and the insecurity is a protective mechanism to protect yourself from getting hurt. Perhaps she has also experienced sexual insecurity and might want to share about her own experience.

The discussion doesn't need to be set up like a black and white decision: either we are boyfriend/girlfriend or we break up. It could be about learning about yourselves. Simply sharing your experience together. When someone opens up, gets vulnerable and is supported by another - that is where the deeper bonding is at. If she wanted a dominant alpha male, she would not still be in contact with you. Yet, you don't have to go to the other extreme and be all needy and clutchy.

 

Thanks for the advice, If I decide to talk to her I will take this into account.

Now I am doubting if I need to talk to her because I am getting more convinced that I do like her :), so maybe there is no need to talk.

 

18 hours ago, Shin said:

Just be honest and tell her everything.

Relationship where both sides are lying are already doomed from the start.

And just fuck her, spend a day or two with her after, you'll know pretty fast if you want to be with her.


The sexual part is complicated.. I slept with her 3 times and wasn't aroused enough to fuck her.. 

Considering all this fear, the fact that I am virgin and 27 years old, the commitment phobia, and the clueless I was about what to do, maybe it's not that weird that I couldn't get a solid boner.

Now I am convincing myself more and more that I do like her, yesterday we spent a good ammount of time talking(via internet) and I enjoyed it, at times I wanted to kiss her and touch her, and I had a boner just talking to her.
She is always telling me how much she likes me and has liked me for some time now, and this is giving me confidence and letting me invest myself more into the relationship, it's helping me to open this walls around my heart and I am starting to let me like her, because I feel it's safer now to fall in love I guess.

Last night I fapped to her... not a good idea, but at least I was very turned on by her in my fantasies...

 

The problem for me is that 1 thing is fantasizing and another different thing is when she is with me, I enjoy much more the masturbation, probably because I am not afraid and I relax. When I am with her I don't know what to do, what position, how to touch her, etc.
I also have all this social pressure that I should fuck the shit out of her like an alpha male, and all that BS. And I also fear that I won't perform well and that after a while she will get bored...

I hope that now that I am starting to open myself up I will be able to get more comfortable in bed too.

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If you wait too much (and that's already the case), she will get fucked by someone else pretty quick.

That's not me being an asshole here, that's just reality, so stop being indecisive, fuck her.

@Santiago I did, multiple times, she will go for an another guy. Stop being in your head and just do it.

Edited by Shin

God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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42 minutes ago, Shin said:

If you wait too much (and that's already the case), she will get fuck by someone else pretty quick.

That's not me being an asshole here, that's just reality, so stop being indecisive, fuck her.

This doesn't help with my performance anxiety to be honest.. 

You put it as if it was super simple, "just go and fuck her", maybe you never had this issue so you can't understand it.


Either way I am giving her oral and touching her, she should be satisfied for the moment.. and also she likes me

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1 hour ago, Shin said:

If you wait too much (and that's already the case), she will get fuck by someone else pretty quick.

That's not me being an asshole here, that's just reality, so stop being indecisive, fuck her.

@Santiago I did, multiple times, she will go for an another guy. Stop being in your head and just do it.

Would you recommend taking viagra next time I meet her?

Maybe that helps me get a full erection and fuck her, and I start to gain some confidence back, I can do it a couple times and then start lowering the doses.

If that helps me get an erection and fuck her then I will be able to get a lot of pressure off myself, and maybe next time I don't need to take pills.

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Just now, Santiago said:

Would you recommend taking viagra next time I meet her?

Maybe that helps me get a full erection and fuck her, and I start to gain some confidence back, I can do it a couple times and then start lowering the doses.

If that helps me get an erection and fuck her then I will be able to get a lot of pressure off myself, and maybe next time I don't need to take pills.

Just be closer to her, tell her you maybe need some help (if she's still seeing you she's not gonna freak out).

Pills are for granpa or people who have serious issues down there (and you don't, you're just too stressed).

I'll bet your penis will be pretty hard if she start to suck your dick ^^ 


God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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6 minutes ago, Shin said:

Just be closer to her, tell her you maybe need some help (if she's still seeing you she's not gonna freak out).

Pills are for granpa or people who have serious issues down there (and you don't, you're just too stressed).

I'll bet your penis will be pretty hard if she start to suck your dick ^^ 

Nope, she gave me oral twice and I didn't enjoy it.. I could barely keep a semi-erection

Actually there is something else about my sexuality.. I have been masturbating since I was 8 (my brother taught me), and I do prone masturbation, which is pretty bad... So the normal masturbating motions don't do that much for me and I have weird sensitivity in my penis head.. This worries me a lot too... And makes me wonder how will I feel when I enter inside of her.

Note: the only time I orgasmed with her was while rubbing my penis on her, just like prone masturbation... it's lame yeah.. and it worries me.

 

PD: already told her about all this...

Edited by Santiago

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Just now, Santiago said:

Nope, she gave me oral twice and I didn't enjoy it..

Actually there is something else about my sexuality.. I have been masturbating since I was 8 (my brother taught me), and I do prone masturbation, which is pretty bad... So the normal masturbating motions don't do that much for me and I have weird sensitivity in my penis head.. This worries me a lot too... And makes me wonder how will I feel when I enter inside of her.

Note: the only time I orgasmed with her was while rubbing my penis on her, just like prone masturbation... it's lame yeah.. and it worries me.

Then what about being honest and telling her that you're a virgin and that you need some friction with hands ?

She can do that, then you can start to do it while it's hard.

And maybe ask her if she likes anal, it's way more tight in there, it might work better than her vagina.


God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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