growing pains in the relationships department

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

lately im noticing a shift in my perspective toward women and relationships. 
i really had enough of them to realize and get a true insight into the dynamics between men and women. 
women have both this amazingly seductive and beautiful quality that attracts me to them, but also this annoying and nagging vibe of being so obsessed with their looks and feelings. I find relationships to be fun but only in a casual way, when it becomes too intense and long term the tide shifts and the seductive energy evaporates and theres only a feeling of "duty" and annoyance from my inability to be free in my thinking. i feel like i just cant be myself in a satisfying way around a women long term, only casually, only as a game. when we try to play "serious" i just get tired from this obsession with social life and not enough of the inner life and philosophy. i just dont seem to find any girl as interested in that as me. in fact many of them are scared of that dimention and prefer to "keep it light" and not go "too deep" on such topics. No girl i ever dated seems fond of trying to unravel life's dynamics and understanding that there is more to life than meets one's eye. 
By practicing day time pickup i also realized that as much as sex could be fun - it is not at all as fun as in my egoic fantasies. I got to experience first hand how i could take a girl i literally felt pain in my chest from her beuty go into bed with me just to realize - its not that awsome in real life. and actually even sucks sometimes. 

so i feel this transformation in me from being this needy and thirsty horn-dog into a more mature and complete men who is closer to himself then ever. 

yet new challenges keep popping: there is this fear of going through the tides of life all by myself if i wont find any suitable women to join me, there is the fear of missing the right timing of bringing my own children and deriving the joy and meaning from their existance in my life and our relationship when im still healthy and competent. yet i cannot reconcile it with being authentic with my feelings that just tell me secretly in the back of my mind that maybe thess experiences are not suited for me in this lifetime. 

did you guys deal with any similar thoughts? Id like to get more perspectives on that, thanks!

[Sincerity]

I’m at a different stage in life and not seeing things your way (though I do feel an empathy towards it), but here’s what I can add. It doesn’t address the specifics of your post much, but still. Maybe someone else can provide that instead.

Go where your highest excitement in the moment is. Just follow that in each moment. And try to work through the fear thoughts/beliefs you mentioned. Trust that as long as you’re following your highest excitement and being open, everything will be okay. Also, focus on genuinely enjoying reality for what it is in the moment, and not needing/wishing it to be anything else. Everything is going to be alright.

[Miguel1]

It comes down to finding a relatively conscious partner, as I’ve always said.

Very hard tho.

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

10 hours ago, Sincerity said:

I’m at a different stage in life and not seeing things your way (though I do feel an empathy towards it), but here’s what I can add. It doesn’t address the specifics of your post much, but still. Maybe someone else can provide that instead.

Go where your highest excitement in the moment is. Just follow that in each moment. And try to work through the fear thoughts/beliefs you mentioned. Trust that as long as you’re following your highest excitement and being open, everything will be okay. Also, focus on genuinely enjoying reality for what it is in the moment, and not needing/wishing it to be anything else. Everything is going to be alright.

problem is its not always clear and usually obfuscated by many other thought and feelings.. cant really be sure.. 
@Leo Gura i'd love to hear your perspective on that area too.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

2 minutes ago, NoN-RaTiOnAL said:

problem is its not always clear and usually obfuscated by many other thought and feelings.. cant really be sure..

Do you feel able to name and genuinely feel a wide range of emotions? Is it easy to accurately identify emotions in your experience - or are you often trying to understand a state with the mind?

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

26 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Do you feel able to name and genuinely feel a wide range of emotions? Is it easy to accurately identify emotions in your experience - or are you often trying to understand a state with the mind?

usually im trying to understand the many different voices inside of me as symptoms of some burden on my system. 
for example when im generally depressed i get this itch to impulsively go meet new women, but also a need to isolate and just take it easy today. both appear and have conflicting interests but are generated by the same overall state of mind. 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

8 minutes ago, NoN-RaTiOnAL said:

usually im trying to understand the many different voices inside of me as symptoms of some burden on my system. 
for example when im generally depressed i get this itch to impulsively go meet new women, but also a need to isolate and just take it easy today. both appear and have conflicting interests but are generated by the same overall state of mind. 

Thanks for sharing. I read some measure of restlessness and avoidance of emotion here. But I could be wrong. Very difficult to be in touch with purpose in such cases. I've been there. 

What makes you most excited? When you do feel energized and eagerly anticipate something in life that does not have any association with women? What are those moments like? 

[Rishabh R]

18 hours ago, NoN-RaTiOnAL said:

bed with me just to realize - its not that awsome in real life. and actually even sucks sometimes. 

so i feel this transformation in me from being this needy and thirsty horn-dog into a more mature and complete men who is closer to himself then ever. 

Even though I have never dated but this is wisdom , transitioning into maturity which I realized after my massively failed attempts to get into relationships,to impress women. 😁

Congratulations.

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

6 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Thanks for sharing. I read some measure of restlessness and avoidance of emotion here. But I could be wrong. Very difficult to be in touch with purpose in such cases. I've been there. 

What makes you most excited? When you do feel energized and eagerly anticipate something in life that does not have any association with women? What are those moments like? 

creative writing, philosophy, generating new ideas, theater, stand-up
those moments are like meeting new women, alluring but also exhausting 

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

6 minutes ago, Rishabh R said:

Even though I have never dated but this is wisdom , transitioning into maturity which I realized after my massively failed attempts to get into relationships,to impress women. 😁

Congratulations.

yeah, getting rejected also helps, reminds you to take it easy and not so personally,  but one yes is equal to like 50 rejections developmentally speaking from my POV.