How to find a partner you're compatible with value wise.

[oOo]

I empathise with you on this subject @Majed .

Most of my life I have struggled between a woman that I feel pulled towards versus a woman that I am rationally compatible with. Especially when they merge where there's an incompatible life context. I have learned that this fundamentally has come down to two factors, my own lack of experience in certain areas, and my own lack of consciousness development at that time. Inclusive of emotional patterns as they relate to the rest of the nervous system and the subsequent experience, for example, it has taken me years to learn to come into greater awareness of my own emotional responses because I grew up in an environment in which I had to suppress my emotions. This is very common in different ways for many different men, and there's a unique and often specific tailored approach for each individual case relative to the level of awareness that can be directed.

With that said, my own solution has been three-fold:

1. INNER GROWTH: I rigorously self-study and self-train inclusive of developing emotional awareness, bodily awareness combined with consciousness transmutation techniques. Specifically as it relates to relationships and dating, this increasingly allows me to discriminate between honest internal signals and signals that instead relate to outdated experiences that are more along the lines of conditioned emotional reactions that need reconditioning. This also has a positive direct and indirect effect on consciousness expansion. The better I can detect the relationship between emotion, bodily experiences and experiences within the mind, the better I can instill agency in the areas of my choosing. Determining honest signals from emotion-body-mind now allows me to better determine where a phenomenological reaction to a woman exists relative to the context of our joining; aka, am I just physically attracted or is there something more, if there is something more, is it based on past experiences that better me in the future or those that do not?
2. OUTER ANALYSIS: By developing increased self-knowledge, now I can begin to map the entire planet on probabilistic dating pools, and the way in which I would navigate those relative to the outcomes I am seeking. This is where I will begin to build mathematical formula specific to my own unique situation; relative to different potential relationship outcomes that can be imagined relative to all probabilistic, experienced and foreseen compatibility. And these are my own self-created equations; while completely emotionally congruent and only gets better following the better unity achieved in number one. 
3. SHARED EXPERIENCE AND DISCERNMENT of Survival & Growth Contextual Compatibility: As much as I may feel compatible with a woman, it may only be through a certain context. In fact in all relationships relative to our life opportunities, this is precisely how it is and we're choosing to sacrifice alternative ways of living for the sake of the relationship itself. Sometimes that can be really beautiful, but in a totally non-judgemental way as its the basis for any true relationship, that's when normative drift occurs relative to a persons awareness of their own life circumstances. Normative drift in this instance is due to the clustering of consciousness that follows any relationship, romantic or otherwise, it has its own temporal gravitational physics. This is why when relationships are coming to an end, or something problematic but unspoken truth exists in a relationship, someone in touch with their own energetic field can genuinely feel it. Everyone's heard of stories where they here a friend say, "I just felt something was off", and then after their proper investigation, well there you go. These particular situations can become so difficult to discern however when someone does that sensitivity and awareness however, but also has prior conditioned experiences that lead to suboptimal reactions that may to the contrary, be false signalling. This is why trust is so important and communication within a relationship that is both cognitive and emotional, where the cognitive is true to the facts, and the emotion is true to the signal that keeps a relationship together. Despite whatever mathematics exists, its the honest signal that counts at the end of the day. Returning to my first point with number 3, therefore ideally what we're looking for in a relationship with a potential partner is essentially a relationship that survives as many relevant alternative contexts as possible; aka same hobbies is a no-brainer for most people, tho its just the beginning. This is the essence of compatibility versus when normative drift becomes a nightmare because you've slept with a hooker you also get along with very wel. But you're the leader of a Christian Church and she's an atheist though you maintain the relationship anyway. This could be a positive indicator, because as much as we want to have compatibility where we can grow with a partner across many varied contexts, we also want a partner in which we can survive against when we have competing contexts. Being a leader of a Christian Church while the woman you're in love with wants to remain a hooker and let's say an OnlyFans star as well because of how much cash she rakes in is a "survival test". If it leads to continuous arguments, or just remains as unconscious contempt in other ways where it isn't properly communicated between them, the survival context becomes evidence for incompatibility, however it moves in the opposite direction, it may actually lead to higher mutual respect and be evidence for compatibility. Further, if the male also desires to become a hooker and join OnlyFans himself while his partner also decides to become a joint leader of his Christian Church say, now what was once only compatibility that existed in a "survival context" shifts to compatibility that now exists in a "growth context" instead. This happens all the times in relationships where communication, honesty, truth seeking, trust, respect and vulnerability, along with any other relevant virtue for the unique context, is put at the forefront of the relationship's future. Other times, its just not the right time or life situational context for the relationship, so temporal dynamics are also a category that would either fall into either potential "growth contexts", "survival contexts" or a bit of both. 

More to the point of asking ourselves corresponding questions, you gotta ask yourself as a human being, how far would I be willing to change myself just in a relationship in general versus the relationship itself? The way we answer that question really says a lot about the potential for the relationships future. If I was hypothetically in love with a Jewish woman, even though I already am partly genetically Ashkenazi Jewish I don't follow any particular religion while I am also open minded with respect to learning about any particular one, that said, if their family say or my partner, really wanted me to convert, I'd do it in a love heartbeat. Would I necessarily believe everything about the religion? You don't have to, and many people that are often religious, often don't, because they know it's a human at the end of the day writing the religious texts. Would I devote myself however to understand the spiritual currency of the specific religion? Absolutely, and its this first and foremost that would determine the other half in terms of whether or not I would actually commit to a religion. When you're prepared to make these kinds of life changing decisions, it doesn't necessarily indicate compatibility outside of revealing your own openness to experience, but it does indicate when you're likely ready for a relationship that involves more selflessness and less transactional type relationships. Or that you've got some kind of dependency issue and don't have enough boundaries around the context in which you would versus wouldn't make those kinds of life altering judgements. 

I recently shared a video on vampirism, and yeah you gotta know what you would and wouldn't do. That's certainly one of the belief systems that yeah, I couldn't do, the whole drinking of blood thing just isn't my cup of tea. Though if my partner say, wanted to do a blood ritual with me and it was only her and I, as well as safe and consensual, I'd be open minded about it. That's why we do the whole marriage documents, wedding rings, going on a honeymoon, etc, relative to how its meant to be done not necessarily what happens as more than 50% of marriages as we know, statistically should never have been committed to, symbol tends to also carry a ritual of some kind. That said, if your partner does want to do a blood ritual with you, or any symbolic ritual marriage or otherwise, I think that's the perfect time to determine cognitively just how compatible you actually are before you go into a deeper emotional bond that at the very least is likely to hurt one of you at the end. In general, you gotta do most of the heavy cognitive lifting on compatibility way before you consider even going exclusive with a potential partner which most people simply do not do, though that's certainly changing for specific demographics.

That was all just written on the fly without any pause, so yeah, there's naturally many other factors, categories and spectrums that I haven't considered here as well that are also worth going deep on. 

Good luck!

[Jirh]

6 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

stated values, lived/revealed values and overriding commitments.

Interesting topics for contemplation. I enjoyed reading this post.

However, in practice, I don't think you can find anyone who's perfectly aligned on all three parameters. I think it's rare enough to find someone even generally aligned or seeking alignment. Most people don't even know their values. They haven't contemplated anything. They're mostly low consciousness running on autopilot. Then you have the higher consciousness people who are generally more aligned, but still nowhere near perfect, especially the younger they are. And this all assumes you are collecting the signals accurately, and not imagining things.

I think at some point, one has to sacrifice and make a compromise on the standards they want. Personally, I would not bat an eye on conflict between stated vs. lived values, I think that's pretty normal, given that survival often requires some kind of psychological split. Where I draw the line, though, is when the person is completely unaware or unwilling to close the gap. Or when they are too cowardly to attempt that. For me, these are the biggest red flags in a person. Not the misalignment itself, but their relationship to it.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

34 minutes ago, Jirh said:

Interesting topics for contemplation. I enjoyed reading this post.

However, in practice, I don't think you can find anyone who's perfectly aligned on all three parameters. I think it's rare enough to find someone even generally aligned or seeking alignment. Most people don't even know their values. They haven't contemplated anything. They're mostly low consciousness running on autopilot. Then you have the higher consciousness people who are generally more aligned, but still nowhere near perfect, especially the younger they are. And this all assumes you are collecting the signals accurately, and not imagining things.

I think at some point, one has to sacrifice and make a compromise on the standards they want. Personally, I would not bat an eye on conflict between stated vs. lived values, I think that's pretty normal, given that survival often requires some kind of psychological split. Where I draw the line, though, is when the person is completely unaware or unwilling to close the gap. Or when they are too cowardly to attempt that. For me, these are the biggest red flags in a person. Not the misalignment itself, but their relationship to it.

I agree. 

My post was definitely more pointers to work out values - almost in a dyad style template to contemplate with a partner (or prospective one!). Most people don't even know their values and they unconsciously play them out. Which is why relational approaches can be better than simple analytical style questioning. The person is seen rather than analysed. 

To add more complexity; our values change as we grow through experience. Having the ability to relate to another keeps us in touch with that person's meaning. Rather than falling back on analysing and questioning. Following someone into their experience reveals a lot more. Analysis has its place to supplement the answers we find through being with another in this way.

Many times people are dishonest (aware or not, intentional or not) with themselves regarding values.

Edited 32 minutes ago by Natasha Tori Maru