I Fucked Up.

[Zenterus]

Hey guys, I just went on a date with one of the people who works in my building. She actually reached out to me. I heard through the grapevine that she's been asking some of my colleagues about me, and eventually she found me on LinkedIn and messaged me asking if I wanted to go out.

I work in a building where I'm basically a barista for the people who work there, so she's one of my customers. I was hesitant at first because of the fact that we work in the same building, bur when she reached out to me, I'm not gonna lie, I didn't want to reject her. I figured, okay, she's very attractive, so why not give it a shot and see what happens?

My original plan was to spend about two hours together, have a coffee, and then leave. I'd go home, sit with how I felt about her, and then decide whether I wanted to pursue things further.

It didn't quite go according to plan.

We ended up spending three and a half hours together. We drank wine, smoked a joint, kissed, and she ended up sitting on my lap. I feel like my old pickup conditioning took over a little bit. Instead of staying present and actually figuring out how I felt about her, I slipped into that mindset of seducing the girl and just letting the interaction escalate.

By the end of the date, she was clearly very happy and excited. She was also much more flirty than I expected. She comes across as pretty shy and awkward, but verbally she's actually very playful. At one point she joked that she was going to make sure none of the girls at work talked to me because I was "her man" now and she expects heart-shaped latte art everytime she orders from me. She's a quirky person, and I genuinely enjoyed talking to her and spending time with her.

The problem came afterward, when I had some time to reflect.

As much fun as I had, I realized that I don't really see myself dating her long-term. Even while I was walking her back to the station, I found myself noticing other women around me who were much more my type, and it made me realize that I probably wouldn't be happy in a relationship with her. There were also a few other things about her that I didn't particularly like.

And now I feel kind of shitty about the whole thing because I have to reject her after giving her a pretty romantic experience. I flirted with her, escalated things, kissed her, and let the whole interaction go much further than I originally intended, only to realize afterward that I don't actually want to pursue her.

Especially because she mentioned that she's had a complicated relationship with men in the past, I feel even worse about potentially adding another negative experience to that.

I don't think I had bad intentions. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her and I was attracted to her in the moment. But I also feel like I should have been more grounded and honest with myself instead of letting my pickup conditioning take over.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys and get it off my chest.

 

Edited 15 hours ago by Zenterus

[Yimpa]

Thanks for sharing!

[Emotionalmosquito]

🚩 🚩 🚩 

Immediately start documenting every single bit of evidence you have of her consenting to everything you did. Take screenshots, record as much as possible. Some girls don’t take it too well when you win their heart only to cut them off shortly after. Always be prepared. 

[Miguel1]

Those shy type of girls are the wildest when they are comfortable letting loose.

As for your situation, what makes it way less bad is that you didn’t have sex with her. But yeah, you did lead her on pretty hard and now she is overly excited about you.

Wheb you reject her, there will be a very strong RAS flip, for her to feel better about herself.

This is why I advocate very hard for conscious dating based on full truth, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability — from the get go.

[Zenterus]

@Miguel1 I just texted her my thoughts. 

Very curious, bro. Since you're on a similar path, do you still do nightgame as lead source for a potential life partner?

 

[Valach]

13 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

@Miguel1 I just texted her my thoughts. 

Very curious, bro. Since you're on a similar path, do you still do nightgame as lead source for a potential life partner?

 

I would definitely hard avoid any alcohol or substances for that matter on any dates. That is going to make it easier for you to keep your intentions clearer.

As for whether she is right for you or not? Have you considered that this might be just avoidance?

Edited 3 hours ago by Valach

[Miguel1]

14 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

@Miguel1 I just texted her my thoughts. 

Very curious, bro. Since you're on a similar path, do you still do nightgame as lead source for a potential life partner?

Yeah, I think being as honest as possible explaining what happened without hurting her feelings is key here. She is not conscious and mature enough to be able to handle 100% truth without being deeply hurt.

I do do nightgame as I love dancing but it’s not really the best place. I try to incorporate more niche places like art events, self-help / spiritual gatherings, and I also try to make IG content that are as authentic as possible to attract like-minded people.

They also have bigger spiritual / yoga festivals here in Finland. Right now I am attending a more mainstream / artsy festival called Flow Festival.

I haven’t been on dating apps but I am considering it. It’s shallow as fuck but I could filter very strongly with a strong bio. With my face, I should be able to get some high quality leads there.

Where do you mostly meet girls right now?

Edited 3 hours ago by Miguel1

[Zenterus]

@Valach I actually did consider that and I can confidently say that it isn't. I spared some details in my original post as not to be too mean to the girl, but there are a few things about her that I didn't like. One of them being that she "hates men." There were more but that should give you an idea.

@Miguel1 Yeah, my thought exactly. Nightgame is fun, I love dancing to dance too and I especially love grinding on girls, lol. But I find it to be a poor source for quality leads. All girls go to clubs and bars every now and then, so quality girls do exist in those environments, but for the sake of efficiency, going to artsy or spiritual events is more fruitful. 

I don't really "game" as much as I should be these days, but when I do, I approach on streets, at the mall nearby my house, I use dating apps and I am also starting salsa and bachata classes soon, so that will also probably yield some connections or it would allow me to attend latin dance events which will inevitably produce some results.

So far though.. I'm not feeling to hopeful or excited to be honest. Most of my dates go nowhere and as a result, when I see a girl I'm attracted to I already kind of expect it to be a disappointment which is not great for my motivation lol.

[Miguel1]

1 minute ago, Zenterus said:

One of them being that she "hates men." There were more but that should give you an idea.

Huge red flag. HUGE.

Unintegrated, too much shadows and traumas.

[Valach]

1 minute ago, Zenterus said:

@Valach I actually did consider that and I can confidently say that it isn't. I spared some details in my original post as not to be too mean to the girl, but there are a few things about her that I didn't like. One of them being that she "hates men." There were more but that should give you an idea.

Okay, that is a legitimate redflag, fair enough. I just pointed that out because search for the "perfect partner" is more often than not just a defensive strategy for avoiding intimacy.

[Miguel1]

9 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

@Miguel1 Yeah, my thought exactly. Nightgame is fun, I love dancing to dance too and I especially love grinding on girls, lol. But I find it to be a poor source for quality leads. All girls go to clubs and bars every now and then, so quality girls do exist in those environments, but for the sake of efficiency, going to artsy or spiritual events is more fruitful. 

I don't really "game" as much as I should be these days, but when I do, I approach on streets, at the mall nearby my house, I use dating apps and I am also starting salsa and bachata classes soon, so that will also probably yield some connections or it would allow me to attend latin dance events which will inevitably produce some results.

So far though.. I'm not feeling to hopeful or excited to be honest. Most of my dates go nowhere and as a result, when I see a girl I'm attracted to I already kind of expect it to be a disappointment which is not great for my motivation lol.

I used to do salsa and bachata but left the circle (as it’s fairly small here in Helsinki) because we did it with my ex, and I basically gave the whole social circle to her out of love, as we decided to do no-contact. It’s a big joy for her. My own dance style is my main joy, whereas latin dances were hers.

The key is not to go for the tens. Go for the 8-9. More so 8 than 9, and do not go for 18-21 years olds. Even 22-23 are too young, but there are more exceptions here.

24-25 minimun, and 26-27 max as I don’t want them to be too old either.

Also, their clothing style says a lot. With some girls, you can just tell they are chaotic and unintegrated as hell. But also, the other extreme is those status signaling dressing.

The ideal is when a girl has some uniqueness and individuality in her dressing, yet is not chaotic in it.

In the festival I am attending, there’s a lot of stage orange girls inflirtating and taking pictures for status symbol. ALL THESE GIRLS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. What the fuck. They dress the same, they have the same make up, and they look the same (exaggerating a bit here).

How is dating apps yielding you results? Do you screen with your bio at all, or is it optimized for ”results”?

I feel like dating apps could be very high numbers game, without me having to put much effort, so I could really screen hard initially with my bio.

Edited 2 hours ago by Miguel1

[Valach]

8 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

Huge red flag. HUGE.

Unintegrated, too much shadows and traumas.

It is funny how this person hates men yet she is the one seeking connection with them.

[Miguel1]

2 minutes ago, Valach said:

It is funny how this person hates men yet she is the one seeking connection with them.

Too much split in her psyche.

Notice how hard she fell for OP, so fast.

This is way too unhinged and unsustainable. She does not have a stable mind.

With that information, I actually think Zenterus is in deeper shit than what I originally thought. She will triple and quadriple down on hating men after this, and the hatred will be pointed towards him.

Edited 2 hours ago by Miguel1

[Valach]

3 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

Too much split in her psyche.

Notice how hard she fell for OP, so fast.

This is way too unhinged and unsustainable. She does not have a stable mind.

With that information, I actually think Zenterus is in deeper shit than what I originally thought. She will triple and quadriple down on hating men after this, and the hatred will be pointed towards him.

It is not his mistake though. It is not like he used her for sex and just dipped. Sure, he might have gotten carried away a little bit but did not do anything horrible. It used to happen quite often to me when woman would be super into me on dates, make out etc. and then did not want to continue and I never took it for a reason to hate them. Definitely felt used for sex couple of times, which was bad, but he did not go that far.

Either way, I am very curious about update on what she will respond @Zenterus

[Miguel1]

2 minutes ago, Valach said:

It is not his mistake though. It is not like he used her for sex and just dipped. Sure, he might have gotten carried away a little bit but did not do anything horrible. It used to happen quite often to me when woman would be super into me on dates, make out etc. and then did not want to continue and I never took it for a reason to hate them. Definitely felt used for sex couple of times, which was bad, but he did not go that far

When you are the bigger person, the more mature, you have more responsibility.

If you fancy yourself as such, that is.

[Zenterus]

3 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

Notice how hard she fell for OP, so fast.

I mean... it's not really her fault. How could she resist my charm?  

 

23 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

The key is not to go for the tens. Go for the 8-9. More so 8 than 9, and do not go for 18-21 years olds. Even 22-23 are too young, but there are more exceptions here.

24-25 minimun, and 26-27 max as I don’t want them to be too old either.

Also, their clothing style says a lot. With some girls, you can just tell they are chaotic and unintegrated as hell. But also, the other extreme is those status signaling dressing.

The ideal is when a girl has some uniqueness and individuality in her dressing, yet is not chaotic in it.

In the festival I am attending, there’s a lot of stage orange girls inflirtating and taking pictures for status symbol. ALL THESE GIRLS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. What the fuck. They dress the same, they have the same make up, and they look the same (exaggerating a bit here).

Very solid list of characteristics here. You clearly thought about this deeply. The only thing I personally differ with is the age. I actually like it when a girl is a little bit older than me. There's something sexy and foxy about it. Obviously, though, I would prefer her to be around my age or younger.

24 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

How is dating apps yielding you results? Do you screen with your bio at all, or is it optimized for ”results”?

Depends by what you mean by optimized. I have good, professionally taken pictures (some of them on my instagram as well), and a bio that is fun and authentic to me. I'm not going out of my way to be super polarizing with it. Plus, for me, dating apps are like "bonus rounds." It's very rare that I'll meet a girl that actually excites me on a dating app, mainly because I hate texting and would prefer to just do a call or a coffee, which most girls are not willing to do so quickly after matching with you -- but those that do, once every blue moon, definitely get my attention.

[Zenterus]

24 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

With that information, I actually think Zenterus is in deeper shit than what I originally thought. She will triple and quadriple down on hating men after this, and the hatred will be pointed towards him.

Nah bro, you're assuming too much based on very little information. She responded very positively to my message and reassured me that we'll be totally friendly at work. Based on her personality, I feel assured that she means well.

[Zenterus]

@Valach Her exact words below: 

"No problem, I completely understand. I actually understand what you mean about the romantic spark, because I didn’t really feel that from my side either. For me, that usually grows over time as I get to know someone better. But no hard feelings at all 😊 We can just be completely normal and friendly with each other at work, of course!"

[Miguel1]

21 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

Very solid list of characteristics here. You clearly thought about this deeply. The only thing I personally differ with is the age. I actually like it when a girl is a little bit older than me. There's something sexy and foxy about it. Obviously, though, I would prefer her to be around my age or younger.

I would also prefer the older girls as they are more mature, IF they have done the work and have integrated.

But goddammit most of them just doesnt cut it for me physical attractiveness wise. And lots of them haven’t done the work either, the shit has just compounded if anything.

Now, if I grew older with her and her looks faded, then I am sure it wouldnt matter.

[Miguel1]

23 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

Nah bro, you're assuming too much based on very little information. She responded very positively to my message and reassured me that we'll be totally friendly at work. Based on her personality, I feel assured that she means well.

Yes, you could be very correct here.

You did have the ”hate men” on quotation marks, so it can be much softer than what hating men really is.

As for her message to you, it sounds good. I would just becareful it is not just to keep things professional, but truthfully deep down she is repressing.