how to handle the burden of making life choices all the time without being too self-c

[Judy2]

...how to handle the burden of making life choices all the time without being too self-centred?

 

these past few weeks, i have noticed just how selfish and self-centred i am, and i don't like it.

i don't mean that i make inherently selfish decisions per se, but the mere act of needing to overthink life plans feels a) exhausting and b) like it inevitably requires great deals of selfishness or at the very least, self-centredness.

how can i handle this burden that is my inevitable, inescapable existence as a person, right here, who wakes up again and again, every morning, and feels so limited, feels constant discomfort, constant pressure because nothing is ever enough to make me feel special or whole? i notice this pattern and how i project my incompleteness onto everything and everyone, and yet, i can't stop.

i hate being so self-centred but i don't see any alternative, given that there is always stuff i need to "figure out" to try to finally make things okay in my life.

Edited 18 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

maybe i just need to do more of the things that make me forget myself? but idk if that approach is fool-proof.

[Someone here]

2 hours ago, Judy2 said:

how can i handle this burden that is my inevitable, inescapable existence as a person, right here, who wakes up again and again, every morning, and feels so limited, feels constant discomfort, constant pressure because nothing is ever enough to make me feel special or whole? i notice this pattern and how i project my incompleteness onto everything and everyone, and yet, i can't stop.

By doing serious spiritual work and raising awareness beyond materialistic things. What would it take to make you finally happy and worth it ? Look at the richest people on the planet..I don’t see them losing sleep from the happiness overload . stop seeking the illusion of completion in a future state. 

See the more you seek the more you reinforce the illusion that something is lacking. What could be lacking in wholeness? What is lacking in perfection? Yet you always believe that something is wrong somewhere. Why you do that? Because that's what motivates you to take action. To accomplish. 

No attainment.. no accomplishment.. no goal.. no matter how many hoops you jump through.. no matter how well you do in the rat race ..nothing’s going to fix that sense of inadequacy. Cause that sense of not being good enough cannot be fixed by anything…Because this sense of worthlessness.. is not true.  But unfortunately you were brainwashed into believing it .

[Jordan of the Shire]

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

...how to handle the burden of making life choices all the time without being too self-centred?

 

these past few weeks, i have noticed just how selfish and self-centred i am, and i don't like it.

i don't mean that i make inherently selfish decisions per se, but the mere act of needing to overthink life plans feels a) exhausting and b) like it inevitably requires great deals of selfishness or at the very least, self-centredness.

how can i handle this burden that is my inevitable, inescapable existence as a person, right here, who wakes up again and again, every morning, and feels so limited, feels constant discomfort, constant pressure because nothing is ever enough to make me feel special or whole? i notice this pattern and how i project my incompleteness onto everything and everyone, and yet, i can't stop.

i hate being so self-centred but i don't see any alternative, given that there is always stuff i need to "figure out" to try to finally make things okay in my life.

Hey Judy

I sometimes feel this way too. There is a quality of the normal way of living that requires constant and unending productivity and strategy that can be exhausting and limiting when not doing something you feel purposeful about. Even when there is purpose and passion, it is possible to become too focused, too tense about it, which ultimately affects happiness.

There is a happy balance between doing, and non doing. When doing something all the time, we don't have time for things that are done, to settle and work on the subconscious or collective level. We need periods of rest and acceptance of the way things are to be able to let things happen.

There is a causal connection between control, and things getting stuck. It can be difficult to let go of control, but an easy way to get some experience is to have a sip of water. When you do, notice that refreshing feeling. Notice how for a moment, things in awareness expand just a bit. Then notice how there is this thing that comes in, to push you to the next moment, or that moves you to the next thing. That thing is the craving for the next thing. It is sometimes phrased as, "the craving for becoming, the craving for things to stay the same, or the craving for things to go away" These are called the Tanhas, and they can be felt as contraction, or control. When you observe the feeling, and soften your eyes or hands, or something in relationship to it, then there is peace. Then the degree to which you can allow yourself to enjoy that peace will determine how long it lasts.

Another way is , try standing on one leg. Are you trying to keep a perfect posture so you don't fall over? Or perhaps youre in a yoga class and doing a posture. Are you trying to look good? Or can you let yourself wobble, and relax the muscles around the posture. Maybe you're not perfect, but things are open, energy can flow. This is also another way that we can see this quality of control. We can use these moments of noticing control as a way of becoming aware and releasing in relationship to this to allow things to flow. 

When this quality of release has moments in your day, you will find yourself experiencing more happiness, and you'll find yourself enjoying that happiness for longer.

Do you have any questions?

[No1Here2c]

Hard to even say I want understanding. At the end of the day I just want to be okay. But why is this? Why do I forsake understanding for comfort and security?

[Judy2]

4 hours ago, Someone here said:

What would it take to make you finally happy and worth it ? Look at the richest people on the planet..I don’t see them losing sleep from the happiness overload . stop seeking the illusion of completion in a future state.

yes, i know....i've heard and thought this about a million times, but i still can't stop cause i don't even know what the alternative would look like.

[Judy2]

2 hours ago, Jordan of the Shire said:

Hey Judy

I sometimes feel this way too. There is a quality of the normal way of living that requires constant and unending productivity and strategy that can be exhausting and limiting when not doing something you feel purposeful about. Even when there is purpose and passion, it is possible to become too focused, too tense about it, which ultimately affects happiness.

There is a happy balance between doing, and non doing. When doing something all the time, we don't have time for things that are done, to settle and work on the subconscious or collective level. We need periods of rest and acceptance of the way things are to be able to let things happen.

There is a causal connection between control, and things getting stuck. It can be difficult to let go of control, but an easy way to get some experience is to have a sip of water. When you do, notice that refreshing feeling. Notice how for a moment, things in awareness expand just a bit. Then notice how there is this thing that comes in, to push you to the next moment, or that moves you to the next thing. That thing is the craving for the next thing. It is sometimes phrased as, "the craving for becoming, the craving for things to stay the same, or the craving for things to go away" These are called the Tanhas, and they can be felt as contraction, or control. When you observe the feeling, and soften your eyes or hands, or something in relationship to it, then there is peace. Then the degree to which you can allow yourself to enjoy that peace will determine how long it lasts.

Another way is , try standing on one leg. Are you trying to keep a perfect posture so you don't fall over? Or perhaps youre in a yoga class and doing a posture. Are you trying to look good? Or can you let yourself wobble, and relax the muscles around the posture. Maybe you're not perfect, but things are open, energy can flow. This is also another way that we can see this quality of control. We can use these moments of noticing control as a way of becoming aware and releasing in relationship to this to allow things to flow. 

When this quality of release has moments in your day, you will find yourself experiencing more happiness, and you'll find yourself enjoying that happiness for longer.

Do you have any questions?

thank you for explaining. i think i'll have to re-read this a couple of times before i understand.

i definitely recognise this tension of wanting things to change or stay the same all day. 

Edited 12 hours ago by Judy2

[Hojo]

Just realize its a clown realm.

[Ziran]

11 hours ago, Judy2 said:

I  hate being so self-centred but i don't see any alternative, given that there is always stuff i need to "figure out" to try to finally make things okay in my life.

I don't think being self-centered is the problem in this case.  It's perfectly natural ( and necessary ) to focus on oneself if basic creature comforts aren't being met. 

11 hours ago, Judy2 said:

how can i handle this burden that is my inevitable, inescapable existence as a person, right here, who wakes up again and again, every morning, and feels so limited, feels constant discomfort, constant pressure because nothing is ever enough to make me feel special or whole?

• inescapable
• limited
• discomfort from constant pressure
• nothing is enough

^^ the rat race ^^

You're trapped in a maze, but you're seeking something much more precious than cheese.

11 hours ago, Judy2 said:

i notice this pattern and how i project my incompleteness onto everything and everyone, and yet, i can't stop.

Specific examples of the projection would be ideal.  Lacking that, I suggest a counter-intuitive approach.  If I'm right and the "self-centered" label is a trick of the mind concealing something else, then, probing deeply into the self will reveal the roots of the problem.  ( roots plural because when someone is struggling it's rarely just one root cause.  It's usually 2 or 3 which nurture each other in a sort of "unholy" feedback loop. )

[Ziran]

11 hours ago, Judy2 said:

maybe i just need to do more of the things that make me forget myself? but idk if that approach is fool-proof.

FWIW:  sometimes, men aren't the best at giving advice to women.  The difficulty is more pronounced if there is a cultural mismatch.  It appears to me that it's exceptionally difficult to feel special and whole as a woman in most communities in America.  It's different being a man.

[gettoefl]

For me part of the trap is that when we feel incomplete, we naturally become very self-centered because the mind is constantly trying to solve the nagging feeling of “something is missing in me.” Life starts to feel like one long attempt to finally arrange things correctly so we can feel whole, peaceful, special, or merely okay.

I would suggest by contrast that completeness is not something we achieve through endless self-analysis or better life-management. It can become available in full when we cease mentally withholding from others the very things we want for ourselves.

Were I to walk around seeing others as lacking, annoying, guilty, separate, more complete than me, or less worthy than me, then my own mind will remain trapped in that same energy. Other people are projections in our minds just as much as they are bodies in our world.

When you genuinely begin recognising in others that same worth, depth, innocence, humanity, peace, inner value ... you want for yourself, something unmistakably shifts. It sounds paradoxical, but the qualities you make room for in others begin to light up in your own experience too.

I would say that the answer may not be to become less self-centred by force of will, but rather stop treating yourself as an isolated problem that needs to be solved before life can flourish.

TLDR: To feel complete, see me complete.

Edited 5 hours ago by gettoefl

[Judy2]

 

@Ziran thank you:) 

i guess what's missing is a sense of belonging or being at home. which is a bit paradoxical to achieve when things are constantly moving and developing, and yet, i'd probably complain about being bored if they were too static and there was nothing left to work toward. it's just hard to balance those two.

[Judy2]

4 hours ago, gettoefl said:

For me part of the trap is that when we feel incomplete, we naturally become very self-centered because the mind is constantly trying to solve the nagging feeling of “something is missing in me.” Life starts to feel like one long attempt to finally arrange things correctly so we can feel whole, peaceful, special, or merely okay.

I would suggest by contrast that completeness is not something we achieve through endless self-analysis or better life-management. It can become available in full when we cease mentally withholding from others the very things we want for ourselves.

Were I to walk around seeing others as lacking, annoying, guilty, separate, more complete than me, or less worthy than me, then my own mind will remain trapped in that same energy. Other people are projections in our minds just as much as they are bodies in our world.

When you genuinely begin recognising in others that same worth, depth, innocence, humanity, peace, inner value ... you want for yourself, something unmistakably shifts. It sounds paradoxical, but the qualities you make room for in others begin to light up in your own experience too.

I would say that the answer may not be to become less self-centred by force of will, but rather stop treating yourself as an isolated problem that needs to be solved before life can flourish.

TLDR: To feel complete, see me complete.

i love that:) thank you for reminding me!

[Carl-Richard]

You're alright, don't worry.