How to live without romantic love?

[Never_give_up]

I have an asocial brain(, probably autistic if the psychiatrists that examined me were right), I am slow thinker, non creative, not smart, not good memory, I am super great at analyzation as far as I can tell but that's all I am good at. All these have serious implications like not being able to relate or talk to others, not having humour, being humiliated in social interactions if a bully disrespect you and don't know how to act. And generally not being able to think quick solutions in daily matters that require fast flexibility. I am short, I can't work cause of autism (i am on welfare that is super low money, although I am greatful for it of course). I was bullied and now I can't function properly (i don't want to remember the painful trauma details). I am also super short 167 cm (5'6 I think).

I asked how to have a girlfriend on this forum months ago, I lost a lot of weight although I have a long way to go, but I start to slowly realize that I am not going to have a girlfriend. Hope and encourangement is good but some people just weren't meant to have relationships. I mean, it's a neurological problem, not a matter of self fufiling prophecy and lack of trying. Today I saw my crush with another guy and I felt both relief and sadness. If everyone is ONE then some lifetimes were meant to live this situation. 

When you have a ton of things to communicate to a person, my non creative mind is blank, it literaly can't find anything to talk about. It's not anxiety or lack of skills, it's an innate biological blank brain. I like drawing and I can't even imagine anything to draw, I don't have aphantasia but it's pretty close to it I think. 

 

I don't think I will ever find a girlfriend and that's ok if you know how to cope, but I don't know how to cope that well, I need help. I am kind of embarassed to talk to that to my psychologist but I may will talk about it, but other people's opinions is a good thing. ''Just practice'' doesn't work to me, I know people that give that advice have good intentions and I appreciate their advice but this is not a typical situation. 

So... how to live without romantic love?

[Yimpa]

It sounds like you really do want it. Don’t give up. It’s in your name.

[Cred]

I highly recommend you reading this. Especially if you also have ADHD (non-conformist) together with your autism:

This is the most relevant part of the post:

Quote

It is almost painful how easy it is to connect with and fall in love with someone who is also non-symbolic. It is also painfully easy to make someone who is non-symbolic fall in love with you. If you are both autistic and are both interested in each other's special interests, you already have established intimacy since sharing ideas is intimacy for autistic people.

So when you know how to find and identify them, getting a cute non-symbolic girl to be interested in you is extremely easy.

You can find love if you find someone who also connects with people via analysis. 

This is also relevant:

A good option for you to contribute in a wage labor context would be that you ask some company to give you access to a shit ton of their data (or code if they are a software company for example) and then you just spend your work hours plunging into the data and search for patterns. If you understand these so called "highly functional" symbol oriented people, you will realize that none of them really know what they are doing. They all just run some shallow script of conformity. They need people like you who can see everything as it is otherwise they are unable to make good business decisions.

But it is not important that you contribute in the wage labor context. You will already contribute enough when you just talk about your interests on the internet.

Also, you can talk to normies and analyze their lives, informing them about contradictions in their relationships for example

Edited Friday at 08:47 PM by Cred

[Never_give_up]

@CredSo how do I understand that a woman is autistic? and how do I interact with her?

Edited Friday at 09:22 PM by Never_give_up

[Cred]

1 hour ago, Never_give_up said:

So how do I understand that a woman is autistic?

Once you know how autistic people carry themselves, you can recognize them immediately.

I suggest you watch videos about people who are autistic (roughly as functional as you) and try to learn the patterns.

You can usually immediately tell just by their (lack of) facial expressions. Also, what they focus on when they talk. The more information dense the things are that they say in social contexts, the more likely they are to be autistic.

Also, if they ramble about some topic, they are autistic.

1 hour ago, Never_give_up said:

how do I interact with her?

This is the easy part. You can't really do anything wrong when interacting with an autistic person lmao. They have just as much social anxiety as you so if they sense you are anxious, they will not find that unattractive. In fact when they sense you have anxiety yourself, they will see this as relatable and cute, and it will allow them to relax, so you really have nothing to worry about.

Overstimulation is also not a problem. When you talk to an autistic girl, and you feel like you need a break because of overstimulation, it is really not a problem because it is likely that they are also overstimulated and need a break too 😂 I'm telling you it is impossible to do anything wrong hahhah

The way you make an autistic girl fall in love with you is to just ask her what her interests are and then ask a question about it that is as specific as possible (this last thing is important. Autistic people don't like broad questions)

If you are genuinely interested, she will like you automatically.

The only mistake that you can do really is not being explicit enough. If you like her, you need to tell her. Don't try to figure out from her implicit, non-verbal communication whether she is interested, because autistic people don't do implicit non-verbal communication. If you want to know if she is interested ask her. She will always appreciate explicit communication.

[Sammy123]

I don't think you should give up. Some things people are given and other things people need to work harder for. Some people are born into wealth others need to work really hard for it. If its something you want i think you should make it a goal and break down the steps you need to take and start working. Are there dating apps for autistic people? Out of everything I have let go in life, having a deep mutual love with someone is something I can't seem to shake. I've been on vipassana retreats super happy like I could live that way forever, but still deeply craving partner. 

[bazera]

This dude had a beautiful wife and kid. Just sayin.

If you want something out of life, hatch out a plan, and go execute, until you fail so much that in the process you figure out solutions and get what you want.

@Never_give_up Read your usename again 

Edited 21 hours ago by bazera

[Judy2]

18 hours ago, Yimpa said:

Don’t give up. It’s in your name.

i've told him that before.... he probably regrets it by now because people keep firing it back at him:)

jokes aside though, you really shouldn't give up @Never_give_up. although sometimes taking the focus off a thing may just be what's needed to help things fall into place. are there ways for you to be happy and complete now, while trusting that you are also constantly evolving?

[Never_give_up]

@Judy2I have many things that make me happy, but there are some random parts of the day that I really wish I had a relationship.

People tell me I shouldn't give up and it makes me hopeful but on the other hand I don't understand what I should do, I am confused, I have no guidance. Normal advice won't work for my atypical brain.

[Sincerity]

What do you do to have fun?

Do you experience joy in life? If so, doing what? Anything outside your room? Are there times when you have an optimistic outlook on the day and you’re just feeling good?

These questions may sound unrelated, but they are important. Basically I think the best way to find a girlfriend is to 1) be in a fun, loose, optimistic state while 2) being basically anywhere outside your room where there is at least a single woman who could be gf material. This is how I found my gf (now ex) and I have 100% confidence that I will always be able to find a new girlfriend eventually, because I can act on this formula which I know simply works. Even though I am barely social.

The first time I met my ex was when she was a barista and I entered the cafe smiling and in a light state. She was attracted to my state, we had brief small-talk and I took her IG. That’s how it started and I wasn’t even attached to the idea of „picking her up” so everything went effortless and I did „pick her up”. In the end, I got exactly what I wanted then (which was a gf).

[Judy2]

4 hours ago, Never_give_up said:

@Judy2I have many things that make me happy, but there are some random parts of the day that I really wish I had a relationship.

People tell me I shouldn't give up and it makes me hopeful but on the other hand I don't understand what I should do, I am confused, I have no guidance. Normal advice won't work for my atypical brain.

hm, i get you.

first of all, if you are autistic (or similar), your brain may be "atypical" - but compared to the brains of millions of people on this planet, it's also typical enough, i'd say. and it doesn't even matter if you are typical or atypical. I get the challenges of being atypical though - but the important part is finding a structure in life that helps you deal with your unique challenges.

you say you are a good analytical thinker. would it help to make a table and rank all of the activities you do in a day on a scale from 1-10 in terms of how much joy they bring you and how much you estimate they contribute to short term vs long-term happiness? bring out all the excel sheets you want if that helps. could you make a separate list of the activities that you think you would be happily engaged in once you are finally in that perfect relationship, and slowly start doing more of that until things fall into place? what are the random parts of each day that you really wish you had a relationship, and how could you make them more bearable and joyful today?  atypical or not, people tend to be unhappy when they spend too much time projecting all joy and fulfilment onto a hypothetical future self, and it can help to focus on how to take good care of today-self (while keeping long-term health and fulfilment in mind).

hope that helps. if it doesn't, maybe you could explain what you mean by the kind of "normal advice" that doesn't work for you.

[Ramasta9]

How did you live before you learned about romantic love? Its usually a good start to questions like these.

Also this "I have an asocial brain(, probably autistic if the psychiatrists that examined me were right), I am slow thinker, non creative, not smart, not good memory" is a poor / bad program you are "reinforcing" into your reality thus you attract more of it. 

Change the way you see yourself and your reality changes too. The mirror does not smile first.

Don't let the world and your thoughts shape who you are, you can reinvent and rebuild yourself at any given moment.

Ultimately, change and inlightenment is a conscious choice you can make right now.

One small step at a time, and it can all start with a smile or positive thought about yourself.

Then others naturally will notice this to, for you radiate out what you feel within.

Universal Mechanics 101 

Edited 1 hour ago by Ramasta9

[Cred]

27 minutes ago, Ramasta9 said:

you are "reinforcing" into your reality thus you attract more of it. 

Change the way you see yourself and your reality changes too. The mirror does not smile first.

This is dangerous and bad advice. The label "disabled" can be very freeing for autistic people. 

"The mirror doesn't smile first"? tf does that even mean?? There has never been a functional person who just decided to "become" autistic and then suddenly become dysfunctional. Like what the fuck

It's ALWAYS people who don't function and them ask themselves why

This notion of "you can do anything if you just believe in youself" is incredebly hurtful for autistic people because it invalidates their struggles

When you are autistic you can become functional but only if you ACCEPT the label and learn how to cope with autism. If you rejct the label you are at square one again which is "what the fuck is wrong with me"

One thing we can agree with is that he should reject the "not smart". The difference between neutotypicals and autistic people is that autistic preoples brains are way more complex which makes it process information more deeply and therefore more slowly.

So when you give a neurotypical person a task, they give an answer immediately and you might say: Wow that was fast! How smart! But when you look at the answer you will notice that it doesn't really have a lot of substance.

When you ask an autistic person a question what can happen is that it takes them three businessdays to answer. But once they DO, it will be the most precise and deep answer you will ever hear.

If you are mega autistic you suck at IQ tests bc they have time contraint. That's the only reason why they suck at IQ tests in my understanding of autism. If you give them unlimited processing time, they will always outperform everyone.