My father makes me angry

[Nick_98]

Hello there , putting non dual perspective aside I've already contacted a psychologist but I overestimate the fees that I have to pay for the session regarding this It's a problem I am half way through solving I'm not looking for someone to sit with me for an hour to talk with about my entire past to solve this issue. So that's why I'm seeking advice from someone who is a psychologist here on the forum or someone knowledgable enough to solve the issue. Here's the issue. 

Whenever I see my father I get angry. I live with them , so I'm always faced with this anger everyday and sit through it.

I contemplated why I get angry at my father and I got two conclusions:

I hate my father

I think my father is my enemy

I tracked down the thought process and why I do I hate my father and think he is my enemy, I came to 4 thoughts that are causing the issue and they are: 

1- He is very religious

2-He smells bad

3-He doesn't know when to talk and when to stop talking

4-He is not socially intelligent, He doesn't understand me etc.. 

Does anybody know how can I overcome this ? I laid the thought process for you so it can be easy for you to offer advice. 

Please only offer advice if you think you are knowledgable enough to give one. 

Please don't give advices such as move out , or leave your father. I'm not allowed to do so at the moment, It's going to take a lot of time. 

How can I overcome this ? 

Edited 2 hours ago by Nick_98

[Verdesbird]

How about getting a job and leaving your parents house

[Nick_98]

Just now, Verdesbird said:

How about getting a job and leaving your parents house

Hello Verdes, thanks for offering assistance. However, this is not an applicable advice at the moment.

[Sincerity]

How old are you?

Do you have a job? If not, have you ever had one? Are you studying?

34 minutes ago, Nick_98 said:

Please don't give advices such as move out , or leave your father. I'm not allowed to do so at the moment, It's going to take a lot of time. 

Why are you "not allowed"? If you want any sensible advice from anyone, you should elaborate on this. It's crucial.

[Nick_98]

3 minutes ago, Sincerity said:

How old are you?

Do you have a job? If not, have you ever had one? Are you studying?

Why are you "not allowed"? If you want any sensible advice from anyone, you should elaborate on this. It's crucial.

I'm in my late twenties. 

I already have a job but it doesn't pay well enough to get my own place. 

[LastThursday]

There's a fine line between anger and compassion. The points you listed are in themselves nothing to be angry about, just annoying probably. The thing is family have the ability to trigger us irrationally, like no one else. I suspect just living in close quarters with someone can constantly trigger you, even if they do "nothing". Find a way to get some space, get out of the house and go to something else. And just understand that your dad is a flawed individual, just as we all are.

[Nick_98]

16 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

There's a fine line between anger and compassion. The points you listed are in themselves nothing to be angry about, just annoying probably. The thing is family have the ability to trigger us irrationally, like no one else. I suspect just living in close quarters with someone can constantly trigger you, even if they do "nothing". Find a way to get some space, get out of the house and go to something else. And just understand that your dad is a flawed individual, just as we all are.

I understand we are all flawed individuals, also I want to mention that he has a lot of good characteristics like being polite, nice , and somewhat generous. He curses very rarely and treat me with great respect. But that doesn't eliminate the anger. 

Today I saw him and I was not angry at him. This was straight after I contemplated why I get angry at him, maybe elaborating the thought process in my mind has caused this annoyance to diminish a little bit. 

Do you know if there is anyway i can rewire my subconscious mind or thought process so I stop getting angry/annoyed at him?

Edited 2 hours ago by Nick_98

[Sincerity]

11 minutes ago, Nick_98 said:

I'm in my late twenties. 

I already have a job but it doesn't pay well enough to get my own place. 

Maybe you could rent a room.

If I were you, I'd do anything to move out. Yes, you'd have to hustle and sacrifice some comfort, but what option do you have? You live at your father's place. You're not equals with him right now, you're dependent on him.

The way to overcome your situation is to become more self-sufficient. Put your anger into action and work towards becoming independent. That is a good use of your anger. In my opinion, it's not about emotional intelligence and forgiveness for you right now - it's about getting off your ass and solving your problem.

You can forgive him for who he is and what he did to you later, when you're not dependent on him. That'll be the next move in your relationship with him. But first, gain autonomy. Everything changes when you stop being reliant on your parents.

[LastThursday]

Yes, but you won't like it. Go up to him, give him a hug and explain to him why you like all his good traits, just as you've done here.

[Nick_98]

11 minutes ago, Sincerity said:

Maybe you could rent a room.

If I were you, I'd do anything to move out. Yes, you'd have to hustle and sacrifice some comfort, but what option do you have? You live at your father's place. You're not equals with him right now, you're dependent on him.

The way to overcome your situation is to become more self-sufficient. Put your anger into action and work towards becoming independent. That is a good use of your anger. In my opinion, it's not about emotional intelligence and forgiveness for you right now - it's about getting off your ass and solving your problem.

You can forgive him for who he is and what he did to you later, when you're not dependent on him. That'll be the next move in your relationship with him. But first, gain autonomy. Everything changes when you stop being reliant on your parents.

I live with my mother as well. She can't afford me leaving her place, she's very reliant on me emotionally and I respect her and won't do this to her. I live in the middle east it's not always the right solution to move out. You might lose ties with your family entirely not only your father. If I move out then I might lose ties with all my relatives that I highly respect and that some day can help me if I face a problem. And In the country I live in, you. need your relatives to survive, the more social ties you have the easier your life becomes. I can't afford to alienate myself for a small problem, I can literally live with it I have done so for the last 2 years but I think life would be better if I don't get angry at him. Seems to me that the only solution is to move out, I hoped that there was another solution. Till that time to comes when I move out , I want to thank you for your advice. 

Just to clarify, the only two valid reasons to leave your house in the middle east is that if you are going to get a new house to marry , or if your career situation depends on it for example traveling for studying/working abroad etc.. That is the only way you can move out without losing your ties and relatives because they know you moved out for a valid reason. But if i just tried to rent my own room I face couple of problems 

My parents will get really upset why did he leave us ? 

My relatives might alienate from me , Why did he do that ? 

I might stumble across a roommate that is religious and smells bad , I might get angry at them as well. So can you tell me now how is that problem solved ? 

I loose a lot of money. Instead of channelling my money to something that is going to help me I waste it when I already pay nothing at the place i'm staying in. 

My mother cooks for me , so If I leave I will have to pay for cooking , shopping , etc.. all that is extra work. Is that a valid reason to go through this route just because I get angry at my father because he smells bad ? That makes no sense. 

I can live with it.. It's fine 

I don't mean autonomy is not important , of course autonomy is important. But living with my parents saves me a lot of bucks and effort , which gives me room to focus on my work. 

Autonomy is VERY important. But right now I don't have enough money to live fully autonomous. I need some support , I don't get paid a lot. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Nick_98

[LordFall]

So you're a dude that lives in your dad's place doesn't contribute financially and complains? You need to meditate more to find peace in your situation because clearly you have no power in it. Or learn to make money online and do whatever the fuck you want. 

[Nick_98]

1 minute ago, LordFall said:

So you're a dude that lives in your dad's place doesn't contribute financially and complains? You need to meditate more to find peace in your situation because clearly you have no power in it. Or learn to make money online and do whatever the fuck you want. 

Thanks for your advice. I have made an account on an online platform and paid a good amount to find a job online. I did spend on connects , connects are like coins you can use to apply for jobs. But unfortunately didn't get any job online. I tried. 

[Nick_98]

Anyways I think the replies on this posts are very valuable. You all offered me great advices I really appreciate it. 

However, that was not what I was hoping for, I didn't want the thread to go to this direction " moving out " and "leaving your house". I understand that they are reasonable advices. But as I mentioned above, it currently is not the right move in my opinion and I'm not financially at great ease, the disadvantages outweighs the benefits here. 

I hoped that there is someone out there who is emotionally intelligent , to tell me how to convert these thoughts, into something that I can work with. Not change my outer world , but my inner world. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Nick_98

[UnbornTao]

You could reflect on why you feel hurt - let's assume for the moment that this pain is what anger is based on. It's a tricky topic. Even though it seems like circumstances are causing your emotional state, it's actually you who are generating it, including the anger. The tricky part is turning this abstract idea into a real insight.

For example, you can probably feel anger toward your father even when he isn't physically present. What does that tell us about the emotion?

[Nick_98]

5 minutes ago, UnbornTao said:

You could reflect on why you feel hurt - let's assume for the moment that this pain is what anger is based on. It's a tricky topic. Even though it seems like circumstances are causing your emotional state, it's actually you who are generating it, including the anger. The tricky part is turning this abstract idea into a real insight.

For example, you can probably feel anger toward your father even when he isn't physically present. What does that tell us about the emotion?

Great advice, thank you.

Generally speaking when he is not around I don’t feel any anger. But then he shows up and this emotions start to rise, I keep focus on my breath, try not to judge him and Treat him with respect. I think I did a great job in the past maintaining and preserving our relationship, when we pass by we say Hello, Good Morning and Good night.

but I thought that there could’ve been a trick or a technique I can trick my mind into stopping generating these emotions. But unfortunately I can’t find any. I would have to face my own curse. 

[Joshe]

You have to go deeper into what the actual problem is. Make your emotional map as high resolution as possible. Is it irrational frustration, agitation, anger? What is it actually? It’s usually not just one thing, but many things serving different functions. Anytime you’re dealing with a problem that has several causal factors with multiple functions, these are not easy to solve. You have to go deep into every facet. 

Or, if you just want to skip the emotional map, you could just maybe practice loving-kindness meditation on him u til you accept his smell and character traits you don’t like. 

We resent imposition. And parents impose. So, either stop resenting the impositions or figure how to make them stop. Either way, it’s not an easy problem to solve. 

[Nick_98]

2 minutes ago, Joshe said:

You have to go deeper into what the actual problem is. Make your emotional map as high resolution as possible. Is it irrational frustration, agitation, anger? What is it actually? It’s usually not just one thing, but many things serving different functions. Anytime you’re dealing with a problem that has several causal factors with multiple functions, these are not easy to solve. You have to go deep into every facet. 

Or, if you just want to skip the emotional map, you could just maybe practice loving-kindness meditation on him u til you accept his smell and character traits you don’t like. 

We resent imposition. And parents impose. So, either stop resenting the impositions or figure how to make them stop. Either way, it’s not an easy problem to solve. 

Thanks Joshe

[UnbornTao]

11 minutes ago, Nick_98 said:

Great advice, thank you.

Generally speaking when he is not around I don’t feel any anger. But then he shows up and this emotions start to rise, I keep focus on my breath, try not to judge him and Treat him with respect. I think I did a great job in the past maintaining and preserving our relationship, when we pass by we say Hello, Good Morning and Good night.

but I thought that there could’ve been a trick or a technique I can trick my mind into stopping generating these emotions. But unfortunately I can’t find any. I would have to face my own curse. 

It's an activity you are actively generating, not a curse. You want it (unconsciously) because it is serving a function for you.

Maybe start by allowing yourself to feel the anger completely. No need to act it out, just feel it. Then you'll be in a better position to ask what anger is and why you are feeling it in this case.

Investigate your experience of the anger as it occurs. What is it? Find out what it is for real. What makes up the emotion? For example, it seems to me that it exists in relation to a past time. It's about something that has passed, even if only a millisecond ago.

[LordFall]

2 hours ago, Nick_98 said:

Thanks for your advice. I have made an account on an online platform and paid a good amount to find a job online. I did spend on connects , connects are like coins you can use to apply for jobs. But unfortunately didn't get any job online. I tried. 

Don't look for an online jobs, those are mostly scams. There are very few benefits to hire someone that can't come into your business in person unless they're have a rare skillset so it's not a logical thing to do.

No reason you can't start an online business yourself though. 

 

[Alex_R]

I feel that there is something on Him that is present on You and you dont like it subconcoiusly so you repress it and got anger by that repression