I'm not sure if I should break up with my bf

[AliceK]

I would really appreciate if you could share you opinions on my situation.

I feel I should break up with my boyfriend. It's really difficult to do.

We have been together for 5 years and started living together 1.5 years ago. I'm 26F and he's 28M.

If you had asked me one week ago how I feel about my relationship I would say great, but 4 days ago my perspective changed.

A few days ago my bf told me ''You don't know how to open the window - look what you've done. Go and do it the right way.'' I didn't notice I had made a mistake, and immediately got up to fix the window. But then I told him: Look I don't appreciate how you talk to me. It's not ok. And then it's how it went downhills - he started being quiet, I asked him what it was and he told me he is unhappy with out relationship and wants to break up. 

We cried a lot and I convinced him we should go to a couple therapist together before giving up a 5 year old relationship. 

He said he is unhappy because of little things, like me not washing up the knife after cutting something, putting my legs on a coffee table, bathroom being wet after I shower etc.. and that he can't live like that anymore.

I get that I was messy and that I can be messy when I'm having a bad day, but recently I've been really trying and still it's not enough. For example that window, I was not aware I didn't do it right and it was not my intention. I feel I can never change and be who he wants me to be.

He told me he sees me as a child and can't imagine me being a mom.
On the other hand, I don't like how he talks to me,  he can be really rude and then dismissive about it. I actually have PTSD when I'm making lunch or something that he is going to be angry about something I'm not aware of.
Actually he is not really aggressive, he just gets really impolite and it hurts me.

I talked to my friends about this, and they all told me that they had noticed him being mean to me. They were talking about situations him being mean I was not aware of.

 

Honestly I was really being dismissive about him being mean, saying to myself it's nothing, but I get really sad when I see how other men treat their girlfriends. And I ignored all of this until a few days ago when I really started questioning the relationship after he told me he is unhappy.

He told me he is aware about him being mean and that his father does the same thing to him, and he doesn't like that and he will try to be nicer. But on the other hand he doesn't accept my feelings, I told him I was sad about him being unhappy and that it hurt me, he told me I shouldn't be hurt but I should try to be better in a relationship. He also told me I have a high opinion about myself and that no one would like my behavior.

I feel like he doesn't like me anymore. I'm not sure when all of this started but it wasn't like this for the first couple of years of our relationship.

[LastThursday]

This sort of thing happens all the time when people live together whether in a relationship or not. People will annoy you eventually. I have a friend who can't stand me flossing, and she doesn't even live with me.

The thing is, what to do about it? It's all about give and take with a dose of decent communication. Firstly, you can only control what you do. You can encourage each other to be open and communicate what's annoying you both. The danger here is that it can get a bit emotional, but it doesn't have to be, just be direct and to the point. Then ask yourself "am I willing to change for him?", if not then simply tell him so and why.

Most relationships have a honeymoon period where you tolerate each others' bad habits and let them slide. But that's hard to maintain longer term, living together can be intense and you sometimes have to come to an agreement about "how to live together", to actually verbalise it.

The second, is that if either of you are questioning the relationship, then that has to be taken seriously. A one-sided relationship never works out in the long run, someone ends up being unhappy, probably both of you. The thing is a relationship can change day to day, so it can be hard to tell. You kind of have to step back and look at the bigger picture over time.

One red flag is when you have an unequal power dynamic, where one person tries to dictate the relationship. You will have different roles in the relationship, but there should be equality and compromise at some level. If one person is unyielding, then that is normally a bad sign. Unpleasant communication can be a sign of power games, or just plain immaturity.

So. Step back, take some time to think, maybe a month or so to see how things go. Ask yourself then "do I want to be in this relationship?", "can I live by myself for a while?", "will I have a better relationship with someone else in future?". You're still young you have time.

 

[ExploringReality]

Study what narscissm is and what BPD is. Study mental illness in relationships, not saying he is narcissistic but if you notice patterns, lack of accountability, blame shifting, denial, lack of self reflection and low empathy, try to recenter yourself and own your version of reality regardless if he sees it differently, you seem like someone who seeks feedback and is open to learning and self reflective, continue that but don't sacrifice your perception for his. Agree to disagree, stand your ground. I cannot tell you what to do with your relationship, but your need for the relationship can be used by him as power and leverage for his narrative. 

[Ramasta9]

Sometimes its good to take a break so you can both reflect on your own life and obviously needing (space) is important to help integrate one another's energies and get a clearer reading of where you both stand and what is the next move. After sometime then you can both come together and decide what you wanna do, to work on yourself and grow as a couple or part ways. Its hard, relationships are some of the hardest things we have to go through but at the same time can help us grow and mature a lot if we can integrate the teachings/lessons we encounter.

Give it some time and space, spend a few days or weeks from communicating or being around each other, try not escape with too much entertainment and emotional eating and see if you can be more deeply in tune with yourselves and uncover what is going on beneath the challenges.

You don't always have to break up so abruptly unless its been an ongoing toxic cycle for a long time and doesn't seem to be getting better or neither of you seem to be growing, maturing and learning. Take a little break, a little time and space, do some soul-searching and shadow-work, see how that goes.

 

[Hojo]

The second you leave he will beg to have you back. He is pushing you away for some reason. Sounds like he's looking for stuff to get angry about. 

[theleelajoker]

l had the opportunity to observe long term couples a few times. Visiting friends, family and being part of their daily life for a while.

What I often see is a trend:

• X is saying/doing something to annoy/hurt etc 
• Y reacts by doing/ saying something to X
• X returns the favor by saying/ doing something to Y
• .....

You get the point. There's no start and begining, but people look for that so they can say "he/she started it" or "it's his / her fault"

Sometimes it's very subtle, micro agressions, sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes people do it "by accident" but in truth it's simply not conscious for them that it's a authentic expression of their inner world. 

I have seen two major reasons for that:

1. "Hidden" partnerships conflict: There's a feeling of "that's not fair, the other should XYZ", but it's not dealed with openly. Since the feeling is there, but the conflict is avoided, the subconscious punishes the partner. Small comments, actions, non-action. Very clear signals of hostility to an observer, but subconscious for the couple.
2. "Hidden" inner conflict: some lack, insecurity, trauma, avoided emotions etc are projected on the partner. Has zero to do with the other person. "I feel shitty, so I increase my self worth by making you as small as possible." Also happens subconsciously.

In both cases: Tensions just increase, they cumulate and after a while it's like Kindergarten. It's all about assumptions, hurt ego, expectations, guit, blame, manipulation , fight for control of narrative to control feelings and what is really important - growth, learning, opportunity towards towards freedom, responsibility, joy and inner peace - gets lost. Typically it goes along with a radical decline in sexual interactions and /or bad sex. 

 

The separation is just for structure, IME 1. and 2. go hand in hand, even if seems not logical to the mind that it can be about the other person and only about my inner world at the same time. But those two are interdependent. 

In my experience, you need BOTH to have an attitude of: "Ok, I see that. Yes I want to change this. I want XYZ instead. Please tell me when I show this behavior. Tell me how to change because I can't do it on my own. I do everything that is in my control, can you support me when I reach a limit? Let's do this together, even if I am afraid, even if it feels super hard and painful now. I know the only way to freedom is to go for the things we are avoiding now"

You either avoid it or you go right into the stuff that is buried. That's it. No middle ground, no half measure, no BS. You can do it YOUR way, in YOUR pace, gently, caring and patiently - yes. But you go for it with no plan B.  All in. No avoidance.

When do you do it? Now. 

You do it, but your partner is not ready, or vice versa? You are wasting the time of you both. Move on.