A life without passion or enthusiasm.

[Zenterus]

This is my life.

I had to sit down and admit it to myself, last night.

Women no longer excite me. 10 years of pickup has made me numb to them. I've recently began investing in a girl recently for a potential long term relationship. Although I've been super engaged with her, when the third date came around and we finally slept together, I was so underwhelmed by the whole experience. She tried to make it exciting for me but I just preferred chilling and cuddling over going multiple rounds and shit.

Same with my work. I used to be super excited at the prospect if being a comic book artist. I pursued that with all my heart until it broke. I realized there's no future in that industry and, in fact, I've outgrown the solitude that comes with being an artist. I wanted something more. Creative, still, but more.

I came up with an idea but for me to comfortably invest in it, I first have to make sure that I have a solid back up plan, a solid foundation. So now I'm taking various courses and preparing myself to do a Master's in marketing administration, not because im passionate about it but because it will provide me a good safety net to pursue my creative vision.

However, this means that my passion is being postponed and it's numbing.

I could take up some kind of cooking class or fun and new activity to keep the spark of life alive in my chest, but I have limited time: I work as a barista, I hit the gym, Im moving to a new apartment, soon will be learning a new language (cause I live in a foreign country that I dont speak the native language of), I also need time to be alone and contemplate, etc.

So that leave little time for "just fun" other than hitting the club with my boys, or going on dates, or engaging with my sexual nature in whatever capacity.

However, what I've come to see now, is that my passionless life is the main issue in my life right now.

I edge as a way to feel something. When I engage with women whether sexually or socially, I'm devoid of any passion or excitement. I don't bring my most energetic self to my work, like how I used to do. I can't even get myself to sit down and read a book or watch a show. My workouts have lost their vigour. I'm on autopilot.

From the outside though, I'm killing it: I have a goal, I'm working towards that goal, Im taking courses, learning a language, hitting them gym, i dress well, im confident with women and socially charismatic, etc. The only thing left to optimize in the physical domain is my finances, which I'm working on.

And no, i am not depressed. The feeling I feel isnt really sadness or meaninglessness or anything like that. It's just... boredom. Perspetual, chronic boredom.

[Rigel]

You are starting to realize that the hamster wheel won’t ever satisfy. It’s a necessary process to go through. Stop doing stuff & embrace the boredom for a few days. You can’t ever make yourself whole by doing. Passion happens when you are already whole & do stuff for the heck of it. Not because it matters. Cause it doesn’t.

[Ramasta9]

Your at a crossroads  You decide whats next !