I witnessed suicide

[Lila9]

I woke up in the middle of the night to horrible screams and cries of a woman.

I looked out from the window, I thought something happened in the building in front of mine (there is always something happening there).

It turns out it wasn’t in the other building, but closer. Too close. I saw what appeared to be the crushed body of a young man under my window, his mother beside him sobbing and asking him why he did that. His father was screaming to the sky in despair.

I called an ambulance with the hope that he was still alive and could be saved.
The ambulance came quickly, and the paramedics tried their best for 20–30 minutes to bring him back to life, but unfortunately, he was dead.

Later, I found out that it was my teen neighbor who had committed suicide by jumping from a high floor, his parents’ home, a few floors above mine.
He was bullied harshly at school, and the pain apparently was so unbearable.

He didn’t have to do that, I thought.

He was a beautiful and smart boy, but from the limited perspective of an adolescent, he didn’t realize that although his circumstances seemed to suck right now, this was not permanent and that he had a long life to live in which he would also experience good things.

His death, and the brutal and painful way he died, traumatized so many people around him. His nuclear family, the extended family, the neighbors, his classmates (the few who were his friends), many people are grieving. So many people loved him. But it was too late.

After that, I was afraid to sleep with the window open or look out of the window. I was afraid to go outside when it was dark. I was afraid of random daily things that reminded me of the tragedy. I was hypervigilant. I had dreams of the tragedy or related themes.
In one dream, I was in his position, on the ground, looking from below at the window from which he jumped and feeling his parents’ love.

Since the day he committed suicide, his parents, especially his mother, were screaming in cries, from the window, every early morning, desperately calling their son’s name, even after his funeral. The screams were so painful to hear, so piercing. It is so painful to witness grieving people, especially parents who lost their child to suicide.

At some point, they stopped screaming in grief from the window and just grieved silently at home. His father started to drink. His mother lost so much weight she almost disappeared.

I had hallucinations of them crying later. I had hallucinations of hearing someone’s body hitting the ground after jumping from a high floor.
I couldn’t stop thinking about his dead body, with the broken limbs, how such death can happen to such young and living person.
 

Gradually the obsessive thoughts and hallucinations decreased, and I could function more easily.

It’s still saddens me so much that he took his life. I saw him around two weeks before he died, he was with a friend (who, as I found out later was toxic to him) and he looked to me like a normal, even popular boy.
Though when I noticed his eyes, they appeared empty or sad, I couldn’t articulate it, it was just a feeling. I thought that I may be over-feeling.

My dogs barked at them, so I moved quickly in order not to scare them, I didn’t have time to converse with them and see what was happening between them, which I regret.

This is my survivor’s guilt talking, deluding me into thinking that I had control over the situation.
But maybe if his parents, who knew about the bullying, couldn’t stop him, what could I do?

If that wasn’t enough, I felt another guilt inside me, another type of guilt, which is the guilt of slightly understanding him. Because it is not socially acceptable to understand people who commit suicide. We’re supposed to never want it, right?

And I really don’t want it. I will never do that. But it made me think about how fucked up society is, like, really fucked up and how vulnerable children are to all of this crap.

I read that there has been an increase of 60% in child/teen suicide in recent years. This is crazy, because children are not supposed to die in such horrible ways. It also seems like there is not much talk or awareness about it, as if someone is trying to shift the focus away to keep the social dysfunction that leads to it because it benefits them.

But we, the adults who live in this society, are responsible as well, we actively create it.

Adults bully each other at workplaces, adults are emotionally absent or immature within their family and friendships units, mostly in ways which are normalized snd socially acceptable.

And all this narcissistic cult of individualism, that hurts our lives and the lives of our children but we never question it. And it’s bad because it makes the life so much unbearable, unnecessarily unbearable and more difficult than it should be. Especially for the most vulnerable people in society in their most vulnerable stages of their lives.

Me and another neighbor would like to plant a tree in the spot where the boy fell, for his memory and with the intention to inspire people to be better, kinder, more tolerant the loving to each other. 

Though I personally feel a little bit hopeless about society and humanity right now.

 

[Judy2]

hey, thank you for sharing. this is devastating and my love goes out to the boy's family and everyone who knew him.

sometimes things happen that don't make sense in life. but i fully agree with you that we as a society must find better ways to help those who are experiencing suicidality and also set in place more preventative measures. just make sure you don't lay it all on your shoulders; this is a shared burden and maybe for now, your part in it is allowing yourself to grieve, and also to allow yourself to find happiness again. i know that this can be the harder part, but it's crucial.

[Ulax]

I am very sorry you had to witness such a horrifying event and the suffering it has caused to you. And I can't imagine what the family are going through.

I agree with your points around the issues in modern societies, and it is saddening to hear what that poor boy was going through.

I think your idea of planting a tree is a beautiful one too. 

[Salvijus]

The tree idea sounds wholesome. It feels healing for some reason. 

[Ishanga]

My Sisters 1st son died by Suicide in 2006, he was only 25yrs old, my sister found him, her 1st son, she called her other son over, they both saw him that way(he hung himself).. I was not living in the city when it happened, I came home for the funeral, my parents where devastated, the whole family was, my Mother was always saying 'Why Why" and everyone felt guilt for not doing something more to help him with his problems.. I moved back home to support my parents, it was a rough time for sure, my Sister was not in good shape for the next few years afterwards, but now things are better,  Everyone still remembers and keeps my nephews spirit alive, we had dragon boat teams for 10 yrs in a row after his passing in his honor and other things, but it is a very devastating thing to go thru for sure...

What I've learned since then is to never suffer another's suffering, have compassion for other suffering, do what You can to help them thru it, but don't suffer it, pain is there for sure, but don't hang on to the pain, as it will disempower You for the rest of your life.. My Sister started a Suicide Awareness Walk in the area she lives and other initiatives to lower the stigma towards depression and suicide awareness, she took what happened and used to empower herself and others around her, so proud of Her!!

Edited 6 hours ago by Ishanga