my mother's comments upset me in unpredictable ways and i don't know why

[Ulax]

There will be some understandable reason you feel this way.

For example, maybe you are a highly sensitive person. Maybe you didn't get needs met as a kid, and you have emotional wounding that is getting triggered. Maybe you have a thyroid thing. Maybe you have trauma history which puts your body in chronic regulation. 

I would say though that there is a lot of cultural messaging around how family relationships should work. What we should or shouldn't feel. What is okay and not okay in family dynamics. And imo some of that messaging is toxic, and can make us feel like something wrong with us, when we are just having an understandable response to an unhealthy dynamic. 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Judy2 Do you think you have any sort of approval seeking with your mother?

Or perhaps, you may still look up to her. Mother is the word for God on the lips and in the hearts of children. And it can be quite a huge thing to see our parents as the broken children they are who didn't (and still don't) know what they are/where doing when raising us.

[Yimpa]

6 hours ago, Judy2 said:

have you also struggled with feeling misunderstood and with difficulties to emotionally self-regulate?

Yes and yes. I am autistic and I’m proud!

Edited yesterday at 12:55 AM by Yimpa

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0enaVcRcwRg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVkSwbJ-sFY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCjHxitUIiw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byRYKW0pDuc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFH-jl7UW9g

 

Edited yesterday at 07:18 AM by Raze

[Judy2]

17 hours ago, Salvijus said:

I would guess it has something to do with repetition. Perhaps she made a remark for the 1000 times and you already know what she is going to say, and bam, she makes that same comment that you don't like for the 1001st time. 

I would go nuts also. It's an accumulative reaction with lots of history behind it. 

i am not sure if this is it. it's not like it's the same phrase that upsets me every time. maybe sometimes it is, but not always.

[Judy2]

11 hours ago, Yimpa said:

Yes and yes. I am autistic and I’m proud!

(:

i can see how growing up with autism must have been extra challenging at times. two weeks ago i visited a school for kids with special needs and there were a few autistic boys who were struggling a lot. sometimes the adults had a hard time knowing what was even wrong/what triggered their meltdowns. i almost cried along with one of them because i imagined their world must be so confusing and overwhelming.

Edited yesterday at 12:45 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

13 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

@Judy2 Do you think you have any sort of approval seeking with your mother?

i'm not sure. she basically says i always have her unconditional approval and i know by her actions that she's always just trying to be supportive.

my parents always said i always have their approval and never pressured me about grades or anything, but then i still struggled a lot with very high expectations for myself at school, even though they basically told me to study less. i don't quite get how their saying "do less" resulted in my thinking i need to earn their approval...so idk if that's entirely it, or if it's something else.

[Judy2]

14 hours ago, Ulax said:

There will be some understandable reason you feel this way.

For example, maybe you are a highly sensitive person. Maybe you didn't get needs met as a kid, and you have emotional wounding that is getting triggered. Maybe you have a thyroid thing. Maybe you have trauma history which puts your body in chronic regulation. 

I would say though that there is a lot of cultural messaging around how family relationships should work. What we should or shouldn't feel. What is okay and not okay in family dynamics. And imo some of that messaging is toxic, and can make us feel like something wrong with us, when we are just having an understandable response to an unhealthy dynamic. 

do you think it's possible to fully understand why this is triggering? is it necessary to fully understand this if i want to heal?

[Ulax]

6 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

do you think it's possible to fully understand why this is triggering? is it necessary to fully understand this if i want to heal?

I think so :).

I am still working on healing myself, and I am not an experienced professional so i'm not sure what is required to heal. I think IFS therapy could have some answers though. In that therapy you can talk to triggered parts of yourself and they can tell you why they feel a certain way.

You could search 'IFS meditations' on insight timer and give some of them a go if you're curious

[Judy2]

10 minutes ago, Ulax said:

I think so :).

I am still working on healing myself, and I am not an experienced professional so i'm not sure what is required to heal. I think IFS therapy could have some answers though. In that therapy you can talk to triggered parts of yourself and they can tell you why they feel a certain way.

You could search 'IFS meditations' on insight timer and give some of them a go if you're curious

yes, i've tried ifs before but never gone beyond identifying the conflicting parts.

[Luke W]

I just wanted to say that the book "Letting Go" by David R. Hawkins might be helpful in your case. To me it seems like you have some sort of attachment towards your mother and by letting that attachment go with the technique in the book you can maybe alleviate the emotional pain from your mother's reactions.

[Ramasta9]

Feeling misunderstood by a parent hits so hard because it touches deep emotional needs like being seen, validated, and supported. Even if you know she means well, your brain reacts to the perceived "rejection" or mismatch as if it's a real threat, triggering strong emotions. That's why logic doesn't calm the feeling, and why the cycle keeps repeating. 

Notice the trigger - recognize when your starting to feel hurt, without judging yourself.

Pause and breathe - a few slow breaths can help the emotional intensity settle a bit.

Set gentle boundaries - it's okay to pause or redirect conversations when it's overwhelming.

Reflect later, not in the moment - write down thoughts or feelings after the conversation to process without the immediate intensity. (Ideally on a hand-held journal or paper) not online or on a device, there is an energetic importance to this that should not be overlooked.

Over time, this builds a "buffer" between emotional reaction and rational understanding, so you stay connected without getting overwhelmed.

Hope this helps <3

[Ulax]

15 hours ago, Judy2 said:

yes, i've tried ifs before but never gone beyond identifying the conflicting parts.

Gotcha.

If you're interested in exploring working to resolve inter-part conflict, via IFS, you could give this linked meditation a try. No pressure though 

 

[Judy2]

23 minutes ago, Ulax said:

Gotcha.

If you're interested in exploring working to resolve inter-part conflict, via IFS, you could give this linked meditation a try. No pressure though 

 

thank you:)