I want to get better with women, but I’m hesitant about casual sex

[Valach]

Hey guys,
I’m facing a bit of a dilemma that I’d like to share here.

I recently went through a breakup, and I’ve been thinking about going out again — mainly to practice my social skills, meet new women, and grow in this area of my life. I still have room to improve, and I’d like to build a wider pool of people to choose from for my next girlfriend, or possibly a life partner. I just turned 29, so I feel like I don’t have much time to waste.

The thing is, my views on casual encounters and sex have changed quite a bit since my younger days. In the past, I saw casual sex as something completely normal — nothing wrong with sleeping around, whether it was me or people around me. To this day, I’ve slept with about 40 women, most of them from dating apps, a few through friends, and a couple from cold approaches.

But as I’ve gotten older, I don’t view casual sex or dating the same way anymore. I’ve come to see sex as something deeply intimate and emotional, not just a physical act. I feel like a lot of people — myself included — have used casual sex to fill emotional voids. Many do it to validate themselves, escape loneliness, avoid their thoughts, or simply out of boredom.

The more I’ve connected with myself, the more clearly I see this pattern. Whenever I feel the urge to have someone in my bed, I notice that underneath that desire are feelings of loneliness, low self-worth, or insecurity. And yet, society normalizes casual sex so much that it almost feels like you’re “supposed” to be doing it if you’re single — otherwise, you’re missing out or not desirable. But when I talk to people about their experiences, many admit (or don’t want to admit) that they don’t truly enjoy it. Even the women I’ve dated often seemed like they were just trying to escape something or feel validated.

I struggled with this especially over the summer, when I went on a lot of dates — sometimes almost every night. But honestly, I wasn’t sure what I was even doing. On one hand, there’s this whole pickup culture telling men to be confident, charismatic, and to escalate toward sex. I’ve always found that part difficult — I get anxious and nervous on dates, and I struggle to escalate naturally. On the other hand, even when I did, it often felt forced — like I was trying to create something out of nothing. When there’s no real connection, it just feels empty.

At this point, I’d rather spend time with a good friend and feel present with them than go on a date with an attractive woman I don’t genuinely connect with.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you view it?
Part of me feels like I’ve simply matured, but another part wonders if I’m using this mindset as a way to avoid being vulnerable — to avoid pushing through the discomfort that comes with attraction, intimacy, and social risk.

Would really appreciate your thoughts on this

Btw. All the text is coming from me and my head only. But I admit I used chatGPT for formatting and fixing grammar issues as I am not a native speaker of English. Hope that is fine with all.

[Leo Gura]

Why don't you focus on getting a girlfriend?

Go on dates and if you don't feel a chemistry then don't sleep with her. And if you feel a chemistry, sleep with her and make her your girlfriend.

What is confusing about this?

[Miguel1]

@Leo Gura Pick up brainwashing 

[Hojo]

Whenever you have casual sex you will develop karma with the person. Think like each time you have casual sex you develop a year of karma ( memories) about that person. Or even longer. Its not worth it to cum.

I have sex with 1 woman over 3000 times and I'm still karmically connected to the person after 10 years of not seeing the person.

Imo casual sex is not worth it for this reason. It stops peace of mind.

I have casual sex with another woman 1 time and it karmically connected me to the person for almost a year and I didn't even really like it.

Karma being your body reminds you of the sex you had and you get horny and jerk off or react to the memory.

Edited 12 hours ago by Hojo

[Jannes]

@Valach Thanks for sharing. I am in a similiar mindset sometimes and I dont get myself. Good to see that I am not alone. 

 

4 hours ago, Miguel1 said:

@Leo Gura Pick up brainwashing 

I think thats spot on. 

[Jannes]

29 minutes ago, Hojo said:

Whenever you have casual sex you will develop karma with the person. Think like each time you have casual sex you develop a year of karma ( memories) about that person. Or even longer. Its not worth it to cum.

I have sex with 1 woman over 3000 times and I'm still karmically connected to the person after 10 years of not seeing the person.

Imo casual sex is not worth it for this reason. It stops peace of mind.

I have casual sex with another woman 1 time and it karmically connected me to the person for almost a year and I didn't even really like it.

Karma being your body reminds you of the sex you had and you get horny and jerk off or react to the memory.

Then you would have a karmic bond with your ex for 30000 years. 

Its true though, sex is a pretty emotional experience so you will built some kind of bond. I still think about the girls I hooked up with sometimes. But my body count isnt high, so maybe its because it was just a special experience. 

[Hojo]

@JannesFk

[Hojo]

@JannesIm not accurate on the timing of the karma its obviously completely up to the person I dont know about how long it stays it might stay forever.

[Valach]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Why don't you focus on getting a girlfriend?

Go on dates and if you don't feel a chemistry then don't sleep with her. And if you feel a chemistry, sleep with her and make her your girlfriend.

What is confusing about this?

I guess I have emotionally not moved from my ex yet and need to process it. So I am going out but without a purpose of it.

[Valach]

4 hours ago, Miguel1 said:

@Leo Gura Pick up brainwashing 

I think it is both pickup and general society brainwashing. You are supposed to have sex when you are single right?

[aurum]

33 minutes ago, Valach said:

You are supposed to have sex when you are single right?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

If you're over casual sex, then just decide you're not going to do it. You don't need the PUA community or society's permission.

Exert your mental autonomy.

[Salvijus]

3 hours ago, Hojo said:

Whenever you have casual sex you will develop karma with the person. Think like each time you have casual sex you develop a year of karma ( memories) about that person. Or even longer. Its not worth it to cum.

I have sex with 1 woman over 3000 times and I'm still karmically connected to the person after 10 years of not seeing the person.

Imo casual sex is not worth it for this reason. It stops peace of mind.

I have casual sex with another woman 1 time and it karmically connected me to the person for almost a year and I didn't even really like it.

Karma being your body reminds you of the sex you had and you get horny and jerk off or react to the memory.

Sounds like something sadhguru would say. Nice. That's a good observation imo. 

Edited 9 hours ago by Salvijus