Holy Character Development

[Ayham]

I am not rich (yet), I don't look cool, nor have I had sex, yet I feel like I am peaking.

I am 18. Been watching actualized.org since I was 15, lots of shit happened but right now:

1. I have read about 50+ books, a lot of which are from the book list, took so much notes and learned so much
2. I was an introverted guy who had only one friend and can't talk. I forced myself to go out of my bubble and have went on hundreds of random adventures, encounters and made so much friends, even though I am still an introvert and I hate socializing. Now I have connections everywhere in my country and other countries and I know someone for every thing I ever need
3. Going deep into spirituality and feeling reality shattering sober
4. Published a research paper, have around 20 certificates in various things like marketing and programming, finished an internship, won a hackathon, did a graduation project as a freshman, getting a patent soon, and excelling academically while being a second year student at university in my field (AI and robotics engineering)
5. Changed the trajectory of the lives of a lot of people I know to the better, having a direct influence on them
6. Having the opportunity to learn from people who are much better than me
7. Did a lot of public speaking in local events
8. Started making content recently (in Arabic)
9. Been heart broken twice, really strengthened me 
10. Staring a company soon that probably will fail but will try my best for the learning experience

 

All of this while being from a third world country, fatherless, and a war survivor. I was born brain washed with Islam and I had to get out, this is where actualized.org got in and I am confident to say it had the biggest impact on me.

Yet here is the problem:
I have self-hatred issues and I noticed I have a fear of being ordinary, I act differently socially just because I don't want to feel "ordinary", this was not a conscious thing, it took a lot of jouranling to figure this out.

I feel like all this I am doing is just the interface, I don't feel like I am growing enough on the inside, my character is not... developing? I feel like I am not changing in a fundamental way, but maybe its just supposed to be gradual.

I feel like I am never good enough, despite doing all this, I feel like a fraud

I want the key for real inner change and transformation
I want to be able to change grow in a serious way that I feel like I outgrew my previous self
I want to be able to build real strength and identity that is not dependent on any outside achievement
 

I will contemplate the answer for myself and I want to compare what I get with your answers, so give me your thoughts.

 

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Ayham said:

I have self-hatred issues and I noticed I have a fear of being ordinary, I act differently socially just because I don't want to feel "ordinary", this was not a conscious thing, it took a lot of jouranling to figure this out.

It can go both ways.

You might have some toxic beliefs here. But also, don't forget that everything we do here is very much extraordinary.

This is not ordinary work for ordinary people who want ordinary results.

You may just be someone who wants more than ordinary. In which case the real healing here is for you would be to accept that and stop letting people gaslight you into being a normie.

Also, you are doing very well for someone who is 18. Be very patient with yourself, this is a long journey.

Edited Thursday at 11:20 PM by aurum

[UnbornTao]

I'd add: don't operate from an ideal. You may be comparing yourself to an idealized, imagined version of a future self - finding your current experience lacking, and then blaming circumstances for your suffering. Notice that you can take action without engaging in many of the dysfunctional and ineffective forms of mental activity we often fall into unconsciously. This may be hard to perceive experientially, but becoming aware of it is absolutely worth it.

You might be referring to superficial manifestations of a deeper, shared condition - such as not feeling real as a self. You might be asking for an easy, 10-step method to tackle a much bigger dynamic. But I don't think addressing that subject is necessary for your purposes. Ask yourself what your goals are, and what's required to move closer to them each day, through every small action.

Also, most importantly perhaps, recognize that you are already complete as a being - feeling broken isn't required in order to take meaningful action toward your goals. This is an assumption we tend to operate from. The overall sentiment could be phrased as: "But if I am happy, what will motivate me to move?" Still, it is a false assumption.

Hope this helps in some way

[Miguel1]

Yes, as others have mentioned. Consider that maybe you just have high ambition, like many of us here.

It is not normal to accomplish all that you have at such a young age. I don’t even know how you managed to do all that in such a short time.

[LifeEnjoyer]

Amazing, brother.

[Salvijus]

Fear not to be Grand. Just do be grandiose. 

Grandness is quality of God. Gradiosity is of ego. 

Gradiosity says: look at me, I'm so special. 💪 

Grandness says: there is no me, there's only the Greatness of I AM. 🔆

Edited 10 hours ago by Salvijus

[ZenSwift]

On 09/10/2025 at 3:45 PM, Ayham said:

Here is the problem:

I have self-hatred issues and I noticed I have a fear of being ordinary

I honestly believe personal development is like split between self-improvement, and the other half being self-love, which comes from deep compassionate understanding and even acceptance. 

In my experience I had fears around being herded along like the rest of the sheep, which honestly is a healthy fear to have in my opinion if it really motivates you to take massive action. Taking massive action is going to be what sets you apart.

 

But you may end up realizing that this uniqueness of you will not actually leave. Sure it may not flower as much if you do not give love to it, but I don't think it'll actually completely disappear. Just notice where you're being authentic to pursuing excellence and where you are being neurotic of trying to not fit into the crowd. 

Every year I find myself establishing even deeper groundwork for what self-development actually is.

I almost feel like I'm starting over every year, but on more firm ground. Or sober ground. 

 

[Mada_]

My thoughts (huge Integral Theory/SD bias):

There’s a part of growing up where you feel “specialness”. It’s a feature, not a bug. What is the opposite of feeling “ordinary”? - Based on your age this could be one part of what you are experiencing. 
Ken Wilber has a mindfulness course on his website called Full Spectrum Mindfulness and he guides people to become aware of this. 
Exercises like feeling into to your desire to be a fucking rockstar, to be on the big stage and have fans screaming your name, without judgment. 

Remember an expression of Red is big picture, grandiose thinking, and you needed to activate this meme each time you needed a push to “get the job done”. This meme is also egocentric.

It is gradual, remember it takes 3-5 years to change into the next meme. 

You sound awesome bro keep going, you are completely right and wise to expect failure and remember this post, all your skills and inner capabilities, and your list of achievements when you do fail. It’s ammunition and irrefutable proof to keep going.

Remember personal development is a choice. This was huge for me. I came to this realisation with the help of a therapist when I was 18, and it is also kind of demonstrated in Spiral Dynamics imo. Spiral Dynamics tells us we can’t grow if our Life Conditions suck, but why is Joe Rogan still stupid? He’s got a mansion, eats amazing food etc. but he endorsed Trump at the last election. Inner work is a choice, it seems to take a certain kind of person but you could drop it whenever you wanted to. Idk if this is what you’re experiencing, but I remember all of this anxiety and guilt around where I should be, internally, materially etc. But I am choosing to pursue my ambitions, to contemplate, to attempt to transform. If I were to die tomorrow and not get any of it, the world would keep spinning. Remember the “controlled folley” from the LP course? The Olympian must be able to train his whole life, fail the jump and shrug it off, because he knows that fundamentally it doesn’t matter. 
 

It’s this funny balance when you’re trying to grow, you need connection but people feel like distractions. At least this was what it was like for me. If I could go back to my teens I would have sex with the girls who offered it to me, I’d dance at clubs when I turned legal age, I’d go camping way more, maybe do some wwoofing, as well as work way harder and take my youth as seriously as you’re taking it. 

Take all this with a grain of salt. 

Godspeed bro