Experiencing a breakup for the first time, need advice

[bazera]

Hey,

For the last couple of days I've been experiencing a break-up of my 4 years old relationship (I'm 29 years old guy currently). Before that I haven't really had any relationships so this was a first time, and the breakup is also the first one.

So as this was an unknown feeling, I wasn't prepared for it and it hurts like hell. 

For the context, she broke up with me, and she already had another guy in her life which she had feelings for, so the decision went against me. The reasons for that are pretty messy, it involved mistakes from both sides.

Basically, insecurities, addictions, cravings, fear of truth and lack of consistent conscious communication and maturity are the reasons relationship fell apart over the months. I think we could have rebuilt it if she was willing but the trust is completely gone from my side because she literally started to have feelings for another guy and didn't stop seeing him for couple weeks before she told me what was happening. But anyways, at least she was truthful in the end. 

We weren't living together, nor we planned that, or anything basically, we were just going with the flow, and that flow took us to a dead end. There was not a conscious leadership from my part, especially over the last couple months. 

First few days was like a constant dagger in my heart with lots of crying (which really helped to be honest, I have not cried for so many years but now it really helped me). Now, I feel horrible emptiness, it's like part of myself is cut off after so much time and it's just emptiness there. I'm trying to fill it with friends, family, exercise and stuff to do but I also realize that is just an attempt to ignore reality of this emptiness and embrace it with just sitting in silence. 

Also, I have a problem of idealizing her, in my mind she had most of the things I value and want as partner, a cute girl with the same values as me, same interests mostly, great sense of humor, etc. But that didn't turn out to be enough for us to sustain a healthy conscious relationship. 

What I want to know is when will this wound be healed. I also know that it varies from person to person, but what is your experience?

Also, I want to use this experience as an exercise to look into the existential part of it. I mean, I was fulfilled in this relationship at some level but I felt I still lack something. Even if everythig had gone well, I intuit that I'd still not be really satisfied. And now I think it won't matter in the future as well, relationships of any kind won't make me as fulfilled as I want, like existentially speaking. And I'm not sure what to make of that idea. Maybe I'm wrong.

I will use this experience as one of the greatest resets of my life, and I'll make sure not to do the same mistakes in the future relationships, because if I don't make an effort towards that now, those years will be for nothing really. 

How do you cope with breakups?

The reason for posting was also to just have some people to talk to about this who are aware of consciousness work, survival games and stuff like that, because I want to view relationships in that proper context, what really matters ultimately.

Edited September 22 by bazera

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0ctRMR8qXM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmNbrlmn00w
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5qdBMIaS_c
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eit85FAj4wg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLH7yUwkBPg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p3-MJJm_R0
https://www.girlschase.com/content/coping-breakup-without-breaking-down
https://www.girlschase.com/content/what-do-after-break-heal-completely

Use these to move on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

[TheGod]

8 hours ago, bazera said:

Hey,

For the last couple of days I've been experiencing a break-up of my 4 years old relationship (I'm 29 years old guy currently). Before that I haven't really had any relationships so this was a first time, and the breakup is also the first one.

So as this was an unknown feeling, I wasn't prepared for it and it hurts like hell. 

For the context, she broke up with me, and she already had another guy in her life which she had feelings for, so the decision went against me. The reasons for that are pretty messy, it involved mistakes from both sides.

Basically, insecurities, addictions, cravings, fear of truth and lack of consistent conscious communication and maturity are the reasons relationship fell apart over the months. I think we could have rebuilt it if she was willing but the trust is completely gone from my side because she literally started to have feelings for another guy and didn't stop seeing him for couple weeks before she told me what was happening. But anyways, at least she was truthful in the end. 

We weren't living together, nor we planned that, or anything basically, we were just going with the flow, and that flow took us to a dead end. There was not a conscious leadership from my part, especially over the last couple months. 

First few days was like a constant dagger in my heart with lots of crying (which really helped to be honest, I have not cried for so many years but now it really helped me). Now, I feel horrible emptiness, it's like part of myself is cut off after so much time and it's just emptiness there. I'm trying to fill it with friends, family, exercise and stuff to do but I also realize that is just an attempt to ignore reality of this emptiness and embrace it with just sitting in silence. 

Also, I have a problem of idealizing her, in my mind she had most of the things I value and want as partner, a cute girl with the same values as me, same interests mostly, great sense of humor, etc. But that didn't turn out to be enough for us to sustain a healthy conscious relationship. 

What I want to know is when will this wound be healed. I also know that it varies from person to person, but what is your experience?

Also, I want to use this experience as an exercise to look into the existential part of it. I mean, I was fulfilled in this relationship at some level but I felt I still lack something. Even if everythig had gone well, I intuit that I'd still not be really satisfied. And now I think it won't matter in the future as well, relationships of any kind won't make me as fulfilled as I want, like existentially speaking. And I'm not sure what to make of that idea. Maybe I'm wrong.

I will use this experience as one of the greatest resets of my life, and I'll make sure not to do the same mistakes in the future relationships, because if I don't make an effort towards that now, those years will be for nothing really. 

How do you cope with breakups?

The reason for posting was also to just have some people to talk to about this who are aware of consciousness work, survival games and stuff like that, because I want to view relationships in that proper context, what really matters ultimately.

Find a purpose and if you can - move cities.

Exercise a lot. 
Be gentle with yourself.

Take your time. 

When I broke up with my first gf it took me 2 - 3 years to fully healed.

See it as a great opportunity for self-improvement. 

Most importanly don't fuck other women to forget her, it will just bring more pain (first hand experience).

 

[theleelajoker]

Yeah so I didn't come across a magic formula how to deal with break ups. Unfortunately.

Time has been my best ally. Sounds a cliché but it's true.

If you can cry, do it. I had one break up that was so sudden and emotional for me (she broke up seemingly out of the blue) that almost every time I stumbled across a picture or video of her on my phone or in my flat, I got tears in my eyes, had the impulse to cry. Helped tremendously do do it.

Also sometimes felt that this sadness was more than just this breakup, so that's the potentially bonus you even may can get some stuff (suppressed emotions from past?) out of your system.

What I cannot recommend it to think about scenarios where she might change her mind again, or how you might win her back.That truly distracted me from feeling the and accepting what it.

Friends, sports, be nice to yourself. Don't blame yourself more then her. Ok maybe you were insecure about XYZ, but a "good" GF potentially also just accepts this right?

Meeting other women from time to time was good after breakup. Some connections, some intimacy, some other thoughts and topics. I was open towards them that it's kind of a rebound so it felt fair for me I didn't pretend anything just to get to do something.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to reset your whole life, things happen more gradual IME.

Other than that: really sucks, really hurts, break ups are just hard 

 

Edited September 23 by theleelajoker

[bazera]

@vinc3nc

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"Every woman is special until you meet another one. Have more options & you will see how most of them are the same. Your emotions make you think she's special."

Yeah but there are some objective traits that you appreciate in another human being (especially as partner) then others, right? 

But I guess the point made is that those traits can be found in other people as well, and thinking that only this one was a perfect case for it is silly. 

Quote

"Her revenge is getting another man. Your revenge is getting into the best shape of your life, making money and forgetting all about her."

No, I don't want to be framing any of my actions as "revenge".

Quote

"She replaces. You evolve."

She replacing me is a type of evolving that she does.

Sorry, but these quotes just reinforce the biases of just one side.

This is a quote I really liked that helped me emotionally:

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"there will be a day when you realize that she's the second thing you think about when you wake up. then soon she will be the third. and the fourth. then soon enough it will be hours, days, a week even and you realized you haven't given her one bit of thought."

 

Edited September 23 by bazera

[bazera]

@TheGod

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if you can - move cities.

I can't unfortunately, and lots of places that we hung out are still around, so I have to deal with the memories all the time.

Quote

Exercise a lot. 

Yup, I already started / resumed.

Quote

When I broke up with my first gf it took me 2 - 3 years to fully healed.

That's hard to hear, but it is what it is. 

Thanks 

[bazera]

@theleelajoker yea, thanks man.

Quote

Also sometimes felt that this sadness was more than just this breakup, so that's the potentially bonus you even may can get some stuff (suppressed emotions from past?) out of your system.

Exactly, my dad passed away last year and I wasn't able to cry, I am not sure why because I loved him very much. But now I went to his grave and cried my eyes out, and that felt really good, it felt like I emptied a year or pented up emotions in 30 minutes.

Quote

What I cannot recommend it to think about scenarios where she might change her mind again, or how you might win her back.That truly distracted me from feeling the and accepting what it.

Even if she did, I would refuce to get back to her because I can't trust her no more. And for me trust is very important in a monogamous relationship.

Quote

Friends, sports, be nice to yourself. Don't blame yourself more then her. Ok maybe you were insecure about XYZ, but a "good" GF potentially also just accepts this right?

Yeah of course she has her set of problems, I had mine. I try not to blame either of us because that was the point of maturity that we were on at that time. Maybe if I met her older, I'd be more mature to not do stupid shit that I did. But it was what it was.

Thanks for the advice

Edited September 23 by bazera

[trenton]

I have experienced two break ups in my life. The first one definitely hit hardest. The second one I was more relieved then anything because that second girl was a thorn in my side and she broke up with me because I refused to give into her emotional blackmail.

My first romantic relationship is from when I was five and I met Alice. We wanted to get married, but we were separated because her parents moved and I had no way of contacting her. I used to be happy with her even though the other kids would make fun of me for having a girlfriend. I felt like I would be willing to die for her no matter what the other kids did to me. However I discovered that although no amount of suffering would ever make me regret being with her, once she was taken away my suffering became meaningless. It was like a void was placed inside of me the moment I realized that I would never see her again.

I never really cried outwardly. I just told myself that I have to just get used to her being gone. Outwardly I would act normally, but on the inside I would quietly morn what could have been. This void never went away and often times I found myself hoping that she would one day come back or I would see her again. Imagining seeing her again often made me feel happy but I would eventually remember this is a lie.

It seems that deep down I want this void inside of me to either go away or be filled. I have been looking for ways to fill this void nearly my entire life. To me it feels like this void is permanent and I just live with it. I never really cried about Alice though even though sometimes I feel happy imagining seeing her again. There is still part of me wishing to see her again even though my rational mind says that is never going to happen. in fact I would prefer to look forward to dating other women in the hopes that one day someone will be able to see me for who I am. Ultimately I would like a hug after being seen and heard rather than left to the sound of silence in the void.

Occasionally my mind still goes to these crazy 1 in a million of seeing her again. This occasionally feels disruptive as it doesn't let me focus on more realistic probabilities. It seems that my coping mechanism largely involves fantasy and false hope. It still makes me feel happy even though part of me says it's not true.

[bazera]

@trenton I saw your other posts in other threads about God Realization and spirituality. Doesn't that help? I mean, you seem to have some spiritual and existencial understanding of reality, how does that change an experience of breakup if it does?

I mean, doesn't that help shift a perspective from self-centered to a bit more objective, thus making coping with suffering easier?

or maybe that's just my fantasies about spirituality speaking.

[theleelajoker]

4 hours ago, bazera said:

@theleelajoker yea, thanks man.

Exactly, my dad passed away last year and I wasn't able to cry, I am not sure why because I loved him very much. But now I went to his grave and cried my eyes out, and that felt really good, it felt like I emptied a year or pented up emotions in 30 minutes.

Even if she did, I would refuce to get back to her because I can't trust her no more. And for me trust is very important in a monogamous relationship.

Yeah of course she has her set of problems, I had mine. I try not to blame either of us because that was the point of maturity that we were on at that time. Maybe if I met her older, I'd be more mature to not do stupid shit that I did. But it was what it was.

Thanks for the advice

re the your dad and ex:  yeah interesting that there is parallel experience with you as well. Glad you could access that grief, women can be really good re putting us men in touch with emotions that have been hidden or stuck

Re the trust: yeah, for me last time it was different because she was open and honest (or at least I have the impression she was). In your case, it's clearly different. Which is hard but also makes it easier to deal with

Re "it was what it was":  Yes  

One friend once said something funny when I told him about a break-up in the past. He said, "OK, next one"

 

[bazera]

There is also this constant regret and "what ifs". 

What if I did this, what if I did that, etc. Everything would go great. But I didn't, and it didn't.

The only thing hopeful is the possibility of improving myself. That's the source of a real motivation. 

I guess handling this emotions, not becoming desperate and miserable and staying hopeful is part of that process.

[StaraX]

@bazera I had a very similar situation, except she didn’t find anybody new. First of all, notice how your mind creates these narratives like “she is so special” or “she is the only one.” The reality is that there are plenty of women who are better than her in every possible way. Also, the painful emotions you’re feeling right now won’t last forever. In the future, you’ll be much stronger. Just like iron that becomes tougher after being put into the fire.

I suffer from OCD, and the pain in my chest felt like having a 50-pound bar pressing on it all day long. Remember, at this very moment, thousands of other men are experiencing the exact same emotions. Some men view this as an opportunity to find someone better. As a man, you should sleep with least 10–20 women to burn out the desire. Now is your opportunity to do that. I'd suggest to watch Leo's how to get laid videos (part 1-3) and seriously invest the time and energy required to solve this issue as a guy. 

[trenton]

8 hours ago, bazera said:

@trenton I saw your other posts in other threads about God Realization and spirituality. Doesn't that help? I mean, you seem to have some spiritual and existencial understanding of reality, how does that change an experience of breakup if it does?

I mean, doesn't that help shift a perspective from self-centered to a bit more objective, thus making coping with suffering easier?

or maybe that's just my fantasies about spirituality speaking.

My understanding of spirituality has shifted my perspective on many aspects of relationships, but I'm not sure about break ups specifically. The closest thing I have found is that being is love and it does not necessarily require the presence of another human being to be felt. We have a lot of beliefs around what it means to love, but when we are wrapped up in these ideas it becomes performing love rather than being love. From this point of view love can be like my inner world giving a hug to a wounded child and allowing him to cry without trying to change it. Love seems to include the acceptance of pain rather than the avoidance and denial of it. This would mean that love is part of the grieving process and it is not actually absent even though it seems that way during a breakup. This would fit with things like unconditional love including letting go rather than clinging. It would still be more of a felt experience rather than an idea and an act about what we think love should be.

Does this help?

[theleelajoker]

1 hour ago, bazera said:

There is also this constant regret and "what ifs". 

What if I did this, what if I did that, etc. Everything would go great. But I didn't, and it didn't.

The only thing hopeful is the possibility of improving myself. That's the source of a real motivation. 

I guess handling this emotions, not becoming desperate and miserable and staying hopeful is part of that process.

Becoming miserable, feeling the emotions, becoming desperate is good and IMO nexessary. FOR A WHILE.

Not staying in them is the key IME. 

 

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

― Sigmund Freud

Is the quote "true" or not? My experience with past emotions and maybe the thing you mentioned with your dad seems to indicate there is sth to it

Edited September 23 by theleelajoker

[bazera]

@StaraX

Quote

First of all, notice how your mind creates these narratives like “she is so special” or “she is the only one.” The reality is that there are plenty of women who are better than her in every possible way.

I realize that the reason my mind comes with thoughts like that is due to inexperience. If I had experience with lots of women, I'd probably not idealize her as I might be doing now to some degree (she had her own obvious flaws, but still).

The key for me now it to gain more experience, that's the next best thing I can do in this case. First of all, iron out all the flaws that messed up this relationship from my side (will take couple months at least), contemplate the experience of the last 4 years A LOT, and hatch a new plan of socialization and all the stuff Leo talks about in that 3 part series. It's scary to be honest, but in couple years when I look but, I will be very grateful I'm sure. 

Edited September 23 by bazera

[bazera]

@trenton I'm not sure what love is at the moment. I haven't experience being love as you mention, but I loved this girl, but I'm not sure what I mean by that. She told me she loved me and then chose other person. I guess what we call love there is basically a combination of attachment, satisfying needs, companionship, friendship, value alignment and may other things. 

I also have a small cute dog who jumps up and down licking my face every time I see her, and gets very sad every time I'm not around. To me I feel loved when that happens, even though it's "just" a dog. But maybe if she had an ego of it's own and we had conflicting biases, it won't be that simple, which is the case for two human beings.

Oh man, relationships are messy, at least I figured that out. 

[bazera]

@theleelajoker

Quote

Is the quote "true" or not? My experience with past emotions and maybe the thing you mentioned with your dad seems to indicate there is sth to it

Yes, I kinda think that is true, but not sure.

Do you know any other ways of experiencing and expressing that pent up emotions in a safe way? One thing that comes to mind is shamanic breathwork, because every time I did it some emotions would come up, maybe some tears as well, some laughter. 

But I'm not sure if I'm bullshiting in that moment or something fruitful is really happening.

I guess psychedelics would be another option, but I don't have access to them at the moment (or near future)

[theleelajoker]

2 hours ago, bazera said:

@theleelajoker

Yes, I kinda think that is true, but not sure.

Do you know any other ways of experiencing and expressing that pent up emotions in a safe way? One thing that comes to mind is shamanic breathwork, because every time I did it some emotions would come up, maybe some tears as well, some laughter. 

But I'm not sure if I'm bullshiting in that moment or something fruitful is really happening.

I guess psychedelics would be another option, but I don't have access to them at the moment (or near future)

There is a discussion here with video.

For me, what worked:

• True moments of authenticity and vulnerability with other people (friends, family, gf or therapist)
• Breath work, yes
• Meditation
• Dancing
• Sports (especially Yoga, Pilates for me)
• Psychedelics 
• Fasting
• Stretching (yin yoga!)
• Cuddling
• Singing
• Massage (once gave a non-sexual, but sensitive massage to my FWB..she started crying out of the blue)
• Sex (not the normal stuff, requires some connection and way of doing it I can't explain)
• Screaming and shouting (not at somebody, in the forest for example..or use your pillow)

The order is random except the first point. As long as I wear a mask in front of ALL other people, it can't be released IME. Need to release with SOMEONE, otherwise you are always tense and holding back. It's also the hardest...

The bullet above: It's a system, everything is interconnected. It's not ONE thing only that helps, and not ONE  or same thing for the another person. 

I laughed and I cried in many situations...both are way the that relax and calm down the nervous system. I also wonder if I am bullshitting myself or if it's constructive. All I can say is that I did not express in the past and seeing where it got me...so I am ready to try something new  

Edited September 23 by theleelajoker

[bazera]

@theleelajoker Thanks man

One thing I like to do and that I'd add to that list is just sitting alone in silence (maybe in darkness as well), and reflecting on life in general, the decisions and actions made that led to this place right here. Really trying feeling and reliving old experiences, especially the hard ones. Tears and laughter are also common when I do that. It's not as flashy as breathwork or dancing but it brings some melancholic feelings as well.

I haven't gone to therapist yet but I think I will and tell him / her everything that I am keeping to myself now. It's really hard for me to cry in front of somebody, but therapist would be a nice choise since it's kinda her job to allow me express anything, and that will be conforting. A good place to start.

How does meditation help with that? In what particular ways?

[theleelajoker]

53 minutes ago, bazera said:

@theleelajoker Thanks man

One thing I like to do and that I'd add to that list is just sitting alone in silence (maybe in darkness as well), and reflecting on life in general, the decisions and actions made that led to this place right here. Really trying feeling and reliving old experiences, especially the hard ones. Tears and laughter are also common when I do that. It's not as flashy as breathwork or dancing but it brings some melancholic feelings as well.

I haven't gone to therapist yet but I think I will and tell him / her everything that I am keeping to myself now. It's really hard for me to cry in front of somebody, but therapist would be a nice choise since it's kinda her job to allow me express anything, and that will be conforting. A good place to start.

How does meditation help with that? In what particular ways?

Yes, just sitting and being there. I agree, that's a great thing I often avoided. 

With my ex, when I found the strength I also confronted the sadness, went to meaningful places (first date, first kiss) or looked at pictures /videos of her/us knowing that I likely would cry. Can also safely be done. 

There are infinite variations of meditation, so it's good you ask. The meditation I do is Anapana and Vipassana.

Anapana is basically just focusing on one spot - I follow Goenka, so it's the nostrils / area below the nostrils - and feeling the breath without judgement, natural breath without changing it. The effect is that I am (ideally) still, calm and simply open to feel. When I open up to feeling, I typically notice that the tension in my jaw (my best indicator for stress/suppressed stuff) decreases. I feel my whole nervous system react in some way. It's just letting things happening, observing. It's basically training myself to feel respectively not to hold back and suppress. It works, but it's gradual for me and not a "on/off switch".

Vipassana is then more or less just moving attention through the body and also observing it. There are some details in the instructions on how to do it, better to learn it from a teacher in a course than me writing it here. It's not magic, IMO just good to have someone experienced with you when you start doing it. 

Re therapist: Just starting the process. TBH, there is also some stuff I did not tell ANYONE so far and I actually am quite happy to have someone trained who I can finally express. I just realize, I am actually looking forward to for once in my life tell someone EVERYTHING Some people know this, others know that from my past, family history, present events, but nobody knows all. I guess keeping things inside just increases tensions and prevents release.

Been paying attention not to overshare with friends and family, people can only handle as much re experiences and emotions of others as they opened up to their own.  

 

Edited September 23 by theleelajoker