bazera

Experiencing a breakup for the first time, need advice

32 posts in this topic

@theleelajoker Thanks man

One thing I like to do and that I'd add to that list is just sitting alone in silence (maybe in darkness as well), and reflecting on life in general, the decisions and actions made that led to this place right here. Really trying feeling and reliving old experiences, especially the hard ones. Tears and laughter are also common when I do that. It's not as flashy as breathwork or dancing but it brings some melancholic feelings as well.

I haven't gone to therapist yet but I think I will and tell him / her everything that I am keeping to myself now. It's really hard for me to cry in front of somebody, but therapist would be a nice choise since it's kinda her job to allow me express anything, and that will be conforting. A good place to start.

How does meditation help with that? In what particular ways?

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53 minutes ago, bazera said:

@theleelajoker Thanks man

One thing I like to do and that I'd add to that list is just sitting alone in silence (maybe in darkness as well), and reflecting on life in general, the decisions and actions made that led to this place right here. Really trying feeling and reliving old experiences, especially the hard ones. Tears and laughter are also common when I do that. It's not as flashy as breathwork or dancing but it brings some melancholic feelings as well.

I haven't gone to therapist yet but I think I will and tell him / her everything that I am keeping to myself now. It's really hard for me to cry in front of somebody, but therapist would be a nice choise since it's kinda her job to allow me express anything, and that will be conforting. A good place to start.

How does meditation help with that? In what particular ways?

Yes, just sitting and being there. I agree, that's a great thing I often avoided. 

With my ex, when I found the strength I also confronted the sadness, went to meaningful places (first date, first kiss) or looked at pictures /videos of her/us knowing that I likely would cry. Can also safely be done. 

There are infinite variations of meditation, so it's good you ask. The meditation I do is Anapana and Vipassana.

Anapana is basically just focusing on one spot - I follow Goenka, so it's the nostrils / area below the nostrils - and feeling the breath without judgement, natural breath without changing it. The effect is that I am (ideally) still, calm and simply open to feel. When I open up to feeling, I typically notice that the tension in my jaw (my best indicator for stress/suppressed stuff) decreases. I feel my whole nervous system react in some way. It's just letting things happening, observing. It's basically training myself to feel respectively not to hold back and suppress. It works, but it's gradual for me and not a "on/off switch".

Vipassana is then more or less just moving attention through the body and also observing it. There are some details in the instructions on how to do it, better to learn it from a teacher in a course than me writing it here. It's not magic, IMO just good to have someone experienced with you when you start doing it. 

Re therapist: Just starting the process. TBH, there is also some stuff I did not tell ANYONE so far and I actually am quite happy to have someone trained who I can finally express. I just realize, I am actually looking forward to for once in my life tell someone EVERYTHING :D Some people know this, others know that from my past, family history, present events, but nobody knows all. I guess keeping things inside just increases tensions and prevents release.

Been paying attention not to overshare with friends and family, people can only handle as much re experiences and emotions of others as they opened up to their own.  

 

Edited by theleelajoker

Here are smart words that present my apparent identity but don't mean anything. At all. 

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@theleelajoker

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With my ex, when I found the strength I also confronted the sadness, went to meaningful places (first date, first kiss) or looked at pictures /videos of her/us knowing that I likely would cry. Can also safely be done. 

I just did that today, literally 4 days after the breakup. It was clearly a mistake :D I need to wait a bit more, couple weeks at least to allow emotions to cool down. Another trap is reading old loving messages, that shit hurts.

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There are infinite variations of meditation, so it's good you ask. The meditation I do is Anapana and Vipassana.

I want to start meditation as explained in Culasada's book The Mind Illuminated. That's also basically breath-watching and constant mind-redirecting. I did it on and off for the last couple years, now I really need to make it consistent to see the actual results of what it does to psyche and my experience of life in general.

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I just realize, I am actually looking forward to for once in my life tell someone EVERYTHING

That will feel nice.

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Been paying attention not to overshare with friends and family, people can only handle as much re experiences and emotions of others as they opened up to their own.  

Yeah and all of them give advice, not realising that their advice is hugely biased with their life experience and nobody is aware enough to be careful with that. Which is not bad per se but might be confusing at times.

Edited by bazera

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Cry a lot, punch a few holes in the wall, then become so cool and awesome her new boyfriend looks like a handicapped pigeon in comparison to you.


 

 

 

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8 hours ago, bazera said:

@theleelajoker

I just did that today, literally 4 days after the breakup. It was clearly a mistake :D I need to wait a bit more, couple weeks at least to allow emotions to cool down. Another trap is reading old loving messages, that shit hurts.

Yeah about 3 months passed before I fully went into this, 4 days might be a bit early...but maybe also exactly what you need, who knows?

But it's definitely hurtful that's for sure, 4 days after her presence, her smell etc is likely still very present.

It's likely to be a bit up and down too IME. Sometimes felt like I'm over it and then...ah not 100% yet. It's interesting to observe how the percentage of my thoughts going to her steadily decreased that's a good indicator IMO. 

8 hours ago, bazera said:

 

Yeah and all of them give advice, not realising that their advice is hugely biased with their life experience and nobody is aware enough to be careful with that. Which is not bad per se but might be confusing at times.

Yes that applies to most. Luckily there are exceptions, but those people are typically for some private or professional reason trained in having perspective beyond personal bias.

One person I talked to recently said "well, if you would ask X, he would say that, if you ask Y, she would say this, and now if you ask me, I am a like that and thus I say it's this". 

It's good to be aware of the biases you mention. You can also use it to your advantage, so if I need more XYZ energy I know which friend is living a lot like this.

Do I need motivation? Assertiveness? Understanding? Acceptance? Calmness? Inspiration to become active?

 


Here are smart words that present my apparent identity but don't mean anything. At all. 

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@theleelajoker

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But it's definitely hurtful that's for sure, 4 days after her presence, her smell etc is likely still very present.

Yeah, pretty much.

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It's interesting to observe how the percentage of my thoughts going to her steadily decreased that's a good indicator IMO. 

Somebody said this on reddit which made me a bit more hopeful: "there will be a day when you realize that she's the second thing you think about when you wake up. then soon she will be the third. and the fourth. then soon enough it will be hours, days, a week even and you realized you haven't given her one bit of thought."

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 You can also use it to your advantage, so if I need more XYZ energy I know which friend is living a lot like this.

Yeah that's exactly what I do. But sometimes I want none of those, just my own judgement and contemplation, which I often ignore and postpone, because I guess it's scary to confront truth about the self. But without this I can make same mistakes in future relationships.

That's what is twisted about this situation. Simultaniously it's really painful and benefitial at the same time. It's a huge growth oppotunity, with multiple pillars like having all this emotions and attachment on the surface to work with, planning and hatching a plan of getting better in different ways and actually executing on those bit by bit daily weekly monthly, etc.

So yea, I think when I look back after 5 years, I'd be glad that this happend. But that will require some years.

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3 hours ago, bazera said:

@theleelajoker

Yeah that's exactly what I do. But sometimes I want none of those, just my own judgement and contemplation, which I often ignore and postpone, because I guess it's scary to confront truth about the self. But without this I can make same mistakes in future relationships.

Well...there is a thing about repeating mistakes, and there is a thing re being over-correcting with past experiences O.o

Few years ago I had a gf, and it was difficult with her because I learned that she almost never took responsibility. Did not work out. So I paid attention with the next girl. She was really taking responsibility for her actions, and I respected that a lot. Problem: Over time I realized she took TOO MUCH responsibility, she felt guilty when I did not see any reason for her to do so (told her that, but it did not help). 

Also some years ago, I had a gf where she felt uncomfortable introducing me to her family even as some time passed. She had trouble committing. The gf that followed after her introduced me to friends and family relatively early (approx 6 months)  and proactively, without me even mentioning anything like that. How it ended: With the first gf the break-up was more from my side, the second one left me very sudden and the break up was completely one-sided - all the introduction and commitment meant nothing in the end LOL

Moral of these stories: First, careful what you wish for :D Second, it makes me laugh about myself and my love life :P
 

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That's what is twisted about this situation. Simultaniously it's really painful and benefitial at the same time. It's a huge growth oppotunity, with multiple pillars like having all this emotions and attachment on the surface to work with, planning and hatching a plan of getting better in different ways and actually executing on those bit by bit daily weekly monthly, etc.

So yea, I think when I look back after 5 years, I'd be glad that this happend. But that will require some years.

 

Yeah IME it can be tricky. What I mean is:

  • to be too much on the "I will grow from it big opportunity etc" track  --> creating a story without feeling the emotions, pain. It's then potentially intellectualizing the situation too much. It might turn into "thinking your feelings vs. feeling them"
  • to be too much on the "this sucks, pain and suffering" track -->  too overwhelmed for too long by emotions, not accepting, having resistance instead of moving on when time is right

No idea how (or even if) the balance can be found. Good luck! :) 

Edited by theleelajoker

Here are smart words that present my apparent identity but don't mean anything. At all. 

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@theleelajoker Yeah...you are right.

There is no rush of improvement either. I also take my time, sit and think a lot on what has happened. Not only in the last 4 years but before that as well. I think one thing that ending this relationship will cause for me is that I'll become more contemplative in general, because without that I'm like running hamster on the wheel, towards next relationship and next hobbie and next XYZ. 

I need to slow down. 

Thanks for the advice. 

One thing I didn't anticipate are dreams. When I think that emotions cooled down a bit and I can concentrate on work for example, and then take a nap and dream about some scenarios with her, I wake up super anxious and the circle starts all over again.

But I trust that that will also fade away with time. 

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@bazera 

So crazy you mention dreams!

Seriously, this morning I woke up and the second night in a row, I had an intense dream where I processes significant life events from recent weeks and months. I wrote a message to a friend joking about it, telling her that I will send a wish-list to my subconscious, telling it that now I would like to have topic X and topic Y in the next two dreams so I can finally process that! :D 

I take it as a good sign with the dreams, because I can feel that some stuff got resolved. Literally, the storyline in one of those two dreams was that I had to fight for my right to do a certain action (this action in the dream actually has been a hurdle for me in recent months in real life), and at the end of the dream I got the official allowance to finally go for this action from a dream character.   

Suddenly all this "inner parts" and "inner family systems" stuff I heard of kind of makes sense, even if I never engaged with it in any way before. Literally, one part of my subconscious gave another part of my subconscious within my dream the formal allowance to do something, isn't that crazy? LOL 

My take is that it has a lot do to with the stuff we talked about in previous posts. Freeing up and feeling emotions, getting ourselves into a safe space mentally, reducing resistance to what is. Seems the chain of events is like that : Before: Holding back, tensions, (subconscious) suppression --> Then: Letting go & acceptance, moving body etc. --> No more resistance --> subconscious says "ah ok it's safe now to feel & experience" --> Feeling emotions, experiencing --> "Experience has been felt, event has been completed" -->" I can stop with protecting behavior" --> Frees space for new actions, new behavior, new emotions --> more freedom

And if it's any help, before those two dreams I woke up many times soaked in sweat, with no "resolution" like in the last two dreams. Very strange period in my life, all this experiences are new territory for me..


Here are smart words that present my apparent identity but don't mean anything. At all. 

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@theleelajoker Dreams are strange, overlooked phenomenon. It's cool that you've been using them for resolving life issues. 

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Seems the chain of events is like that : Before: Holding back, tensions, (subconscious) suppression --> Then: Letting go & acceptance, moving body etc. --> No more resistance --> subconscious says "ah ok it's safe now to feel & experience" --> Feeling emotions, experiencing --> "Experience has been felt, event has been completed" -->" I can stop with protecting behavior" --> Frees space for new actions, new behavior, new emotions --> more freedom

Yeah seems to be something similar. Going through that chain is the bulk of the emotional work I think.

But at the moment I'm so exhausted emotionally, I don't event want to frame that as "work". 

For some time, I'll spend 80% of the time in solitude contemplating on my past, actions, this relationship in particular, attachments, pain, heartbreak, etc. And I'll feel everything that comes up. And I'll spend 20% of my time researching stuff, maybe there is something I miss, like an approach that helps with something, or some way to distance myself from all this and look at it objectively. 

Again, thanks for sharing, helps a lot. 

 

Edited by bazera

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4 hours ago, bazera said:

@theleelajoker Dreams are strange, overlooked phenomenon. It's cool that you've been using them for resolving life issues. 

DEFINITELY overlooked IMO. Yeah can't really say I "use" them, it's rather just happening...or maybe dreams characters are using my "real" life to solve their stuff lol 

The more I think about it, the more sense the last idea makes :D

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Yeah seems to be something similar. Going through that chain is the bulk of the emotional work I think.

But at the moment I'm so exhausted emotionally, I don't event want to frame that as "work". 

For some time, I'll spend 80% of the time in solitude contemplating on my past, actions, this relationship in particular, attachments, pain, heartbreak, etc. And I'll feel everything that comes up. And I'll spend 20% of my time researching stuff, maybe there is something I miss, like an approach that helps with something, or some way to distance myself from all this and look at it objectively. 

 

Yeah, it is fucking exhausting at times. I guess intuitively, you are doing the "right" thing.  Will likely be non-linear, up and down, one step forward, two steps back and vice versa. But it sounds like a good path you're on. 

Same time, may suggest a little tweak? Maybe just 5% of time, ask yourself "How can I do something good for me? How can I make this a fun day? A happy day? Or even 1h, or 5min of fun and happy?"

If that does not work, maybe only "how can I make the whole process 1% lighter, more fun for me?" 

Speaking of experience, this little tweak can have very nice impact. It does not mean you don't confront what's there, you still do, you still process and learn from it, it just means you do it slightly different. 

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Again, thanks for sharing, helps a lot. 

My pleasure. Happy there is some value for you

Edited by theleelajoker

Here are smart words that present my apparent identity but don't mean anything. At all. 

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@theleelajoker

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Same time, may suggest a little tweak? Maybe just 5% of time, ask yourself "How can I do something good for me? How can I make this a fun day? A happy day? Or even 1h, or 5min of fun and happy?"

If that does not work, maybe only "how can I make the whole process 1% lighter, more fun for me?" 

That's a very good idea, I'll surely do that

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