splitting vs paying the whole bill - my stance has changed

[jordankingbn2]

@Leo Gura I'm curious if your views on splitting the bill / paying for the whole bill on dates has changed.

For the last 10 years, i've always taken the view that I shouldn't be paying for the entire bill, because it would be subcommunicating like i'm chasing the girl, or feel the need to buy her things to attract her, which is of course a terrible dynamic, so I steared well clear of that. 

However, in the last year, my perspective has really changed.


I think certain things matter from a logistics perspective. I now would just find it weird to say about splitting the bill, i now find it as the more 'beta' thing to do - I hate that word beta, can't think of another word right now.
There's probably some societal/media things that have influenced my realisation, but I still think it's the right realisation nonetheless.

 

Ultimately though, I think it depends on how you are on dates. If someone is needy/creepy/nervous etc, then paying for the whole bill is probably gonna come across like you're chasing the girl.
But then again, if you're needy, it's not like splitting the bill is gonna save your situation either.


But if you're confident, charismatic - then I actually now think paying for the whole bill just accentuates that whole thing, rather than detracting from it. She's not gonna think you're buying things to attract her, or chasing her because you paid the whole bill.

However, there's a few caveats.

This is only for girls that i'm serious about, and genuinely interested in something long term.

I used to date a lot more casually, nowadays, i'm not going to be taking a girl on a date just because I want to chop her, and if I do, it's gonna be something chilled like a breakfast date.

I'm also not gonna be buying drinks for girls in clubs. I mean, occasionally I probably will spontaneously when the logistics are right, but certainly not something i'll be doing regularly.

 

Edited August 11 by jordankingbn2

[Kid A]

Insisting on and making a big deal out of splitting the bill on a first date is a handicap I would never give myself. 

[Lyubov]

As a man you’re going to pay for the dates. It’s that simple. Don’t argue about it. 

Splitting expenses on the other hand can be done if you are a couple around the same age and salary. Obviously if you’re some loaded guy who is like 10 years older than your girlfriend and she doesn’t have a job, you will pay for literally everything. If just comes down to the flow of things. 

[Jacob Morres]

I def like ur conclusion if ur already seen as an attractive guy, then it will only help you. If ur trying to compensate then it wont work. 

Most girls expect it so i feel like if you dont pay it hurts you 

For me, I hate the idea of it, like im expected to because im a "man". The whole gender role thing is a turn off

I end up paying for it because i feel like i dont have a choice (it literally pisses them off if i dont ☠️). But ive also found girls that are chill and do not care if i dont pay. So yeah def i try to focus on finding the latter

I dated a girl once where i legitimately forgot my credit card and she paid for it "happily", and we went on several more dates. Another time i forgot my wallet in the car and she snarkily was like "dont worry ill pay for it" but her tone was like yeah we are not seeing each other after this. 

Edited August 16 by Jacob Morres

[Salvijus]

I think it's a natural Law that a bigger person takes care of those below him/her. 

I've read it once in a spiritual text that if a man is higher than a woman in a relationship, he will uplift her. If a woman is higher than a man, than a man will pull her down. Based on that I feel it's a natural dynamic in a relationship for a man to take up a higher role and take care of the woman. That translates as paying for her in many cases. 

But of course there are nuances aswell. It should be a genuine relationship and not someone trying to abuse your generosity. That just turns you into a sucker. There's no natural Law in that. In a natural way of things a man is someone a woman should look up to, not look down at (in the context of a relationship). And your true greatness is proportional to your self sacrifice. Like a sea is the greatest and all the rivers flow into it because it's the lowest. 

There are a million ways to interpret what I just wrote in a wrong way tho. Discretion is recommended. 

Edited August 16 by Salvijus

[Miguel1]

If money is an issue for you, go for cheaper dates like coffee / ice cream, and just pay for both - which is anyway the best option for first dates.

It goes for good mannerism and character that the one who invited, pays.

And if you are so broke that to not be able to pay such a small price, then focus on taking care of your basic finances first.