What makes you not commit suicide?

[Schizophonia]

8 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I’m not blocked.

🤷‍♂️

 

In any case, these are repressed/unconscious phenomena, therefore by definition invisible or very difficult to understand.

Then it's just my 2cts.

Valentin's theories.

[Sugarcoat]

13 hours ago, theleelajoker said:

Re your question. Sometimes I get desperate, too. What motivates me to stay alive 

• Don't know what comes after and if it's truly better 
• Experience shows that bad moments pass, too
• Contact, interaction with others. Talks, walks, exchange in general. Extra points for cuddling 
• Life has good surprises now and then 

The first point is legit! What if there is hell? We never know. 
 

I have a hard time with this idea of “it will pass” because I’ve been in this state for almost two years now

I actually struggle a lot with my ability to enjoy social interactions 

 

[Sugarcoat]

9 hours ago, PenguinPablo said:

@Sugarcoat

Tbh I've been there.

Idk what it is.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar ii. Although, I suspect there is more going on.

I've never really fit in. Hence, I've never really a meaningful support system that truly understood me.

A lot of the things I have tried in life don't work out because I mess it up somehow.

I've also had plenty of suicidal thoughts over time, made plans, although nothing 'definitive' or actual 'attempts'.

 

Idk what it is really. When I am in that headspace it is way different than when I am not.

Although even talking about this stuff certainly reminds me. So maybe it's not best to elaborate so much.

 

I guess it's like my brain and my thoughts get fixated in a dysfunctional way. Also a lot of stress in my life.

Bipolar sounds so tough!

Ive never fit in either! I have always been very quiet  

i have no attempts either! I think its because I haven’t reached my absolute limit yet

Stress can be tough! Luckily I don’t have a lot of that. What I have instead is this severe emptiness, dpdr(kinda), and slight constant depression

It’s definitely hard to keep going sometimes!

[Sugarcoat]

9 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

Having something to live for (meaning) and believing things can get better (growth mindset). Suicidality is tightly correlated with hopelessness. Hopelessness is a pattern of thinking that can be challenged.

I feel my condition is due to brain wiring so I’d have to rewire brain to change it

[Sugarcoat]

8 hours ago, Eskilon said:

@Sugarcoat Aren't you curious to know what awakening is? Especially because you had a strong glimpse on 5-meo...

When I tried 5 Meo dmt (small dose) I experienced a kind of emptiness/nothingness. There was not really anything positive about it

But I am open to the fact that it might have been the dose I took so I could have different experience if I tried again and yes it’s something I’d like to try

8 hours ago, Eskilon said:

@Sugarcoat Also how can you be like this since you said your self is mostly dissolved, im trying to grasp that

 

I am not self less. It’s just that I have a very small self because most of it dissolved for me

In my past :

I could get attached to a crush I had, since my self almost dissolved I don’t get attached to anyone anymore

I used to be attached to looking a certain way. I am not attached to my appearance anymore, that disappeared when my self started  to dissolve

I used to have social anxiety and I was attached to having a confident, charming self image. Now that’s all gone 

I used to have as a child chronic existential anxiety, that’s all gone

 

Instead of all of this, which disappeared when I dissolved layers to my self: now different problems arose

I barely feel I exist

That creates a kind of emptiness 

Its almost like walking around in a constant void (almost, not completely because I’m not completely gone)

It is like everything is a bit hollow and lacks richness

Makes sense?

If my sense of self was 100% dissolved maybe this problem would resolve

8 hours ago, Eskilon said:

@Sugarcoat As for what keeps me going I would say I am really curious to what awakening is and I find that I am not at my full maturation yet(not intellectually, spiritually etc) so I am curious to where I can push this self. And the fact that you dont know what comes after death(it could be worse), if anything. This could be the only life you have and then its over(from an non-lucid perspective). Why waste it？

Thats amazing you found a reason!

Yes it could be worse after death so better stay here so long we can somehow handle it

 

[Sugarcoat]

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

@Sugarcoat

what would make your current life situation more tolerable?

It’s not unbearable as of yet luckily

[Sugarcoat]

26 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

🤷‍♂️

 

In any case, these are repressed/unconscious phenomena, therefore by definition invisible or very difficult to understand.

Then it's just my 2cts.

Valentin's theories.

Repressed is not the same as unconscious phenomena . Unconscious simply means going on in the background, not in conscious experience. Repressed means it’s some mechanism holding it back. In my case it’s that I experience a disconnect from my self , my inner life, so it’s like it’s not being able to “reach me” like the pathways in the brain have been sewered. It’s not the same as repressed

Edited 21 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[Xonas Pitfall]

For me, it goes like this: I feel empty, something random happens that sparks my curiosity, and I get immersed in it. Then, that thing fades away, and I feel empty again. Then again, I expose myself to something new, something random happens, I get immersed, and then it fades away again. Rinse and repeat. Occasionally, I experience moments of "lack" in certain areas of my life and wish to heal or fix them, which leads me to immerse myself once more. Other times, I feel a sense of "curiosity," and that drives me to immerse myself in something new, but eventually, it fades again. Rinse and repeat.

I feel like most of my life follows this cycle, or at least that’s how I tend to view it when I enter these empty states. My mind needs something external to become immersed in, something that I can't currently imagine or be aware of. So, I need to expose myself to exterior people and things until something "hits me". It’s like seeking your own trance.

Of course, if you have goals, things to look forward to, and aspirations, that immersion can last indefinitely. But I understand that in these empty states, those feel impossible, which is why it feels meaningless to just say, "Hey, invent something." That's why realizing the cycle I described works better for me.

It's a good parallel to Leo's post on "states of consciousness" being everything.

In the current state, you can't grasp or understand anything about spirituality, God, consciousness, etc. But then, you have a shift, like a psychedelic experience, and your state changes. Suddenly, things make sense that didn’t before.

The same can often be true with depression. In a nihilistic state, it's hard to imagine anything beyond feelings of despair or thoughts of suicide. Then, you meet someone, have a realization, take a supplement, drug, or find yourself in a new environment or experience, and suddenly, it’s hard to imagine what your old self was like.

[Schizophonia]

46 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Repressed is not the same as unconscious phenomena . Unconscious simply means going on in the background, not in conscious experience. Repressed means it’s some mechanism holding it back. In my case it’s that I experience a disconnect from my self , my inner life, so it’s like it’s not being able to “reach me” like the pathways in the brain have been sewered. It’s not the same as repressed

In psychoanalysis, repression is not the feeling of struggle; what is subject to struggle is not really repressed.
What is truly repressed is invisible.

 

[Schizophonia]

50 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

disconnect from my self , my inner life, so it’s like it’s not being able to “reach me” like the pathways in the brain have been sewered. It’s not the same as repressed

Yes it is exactly repression eheh

[Xonas Pitfall]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

I could get attached to a crush I had, since my self almost dissolved I don’t get attached to anyone anymore

I used to be attached to looking a certain way. I am not attached to my appearance anymore, that disappeared when my self started  to dissolve

I used to have social anxiety and I was attached to having a confident, charming self image. Now that’s all gone 

I used to have as a child chronic existential anxiety, that’s all gone

Instead of all of this, which disappeared when I dissolved layers to my self: now different problems arose

I barely feel I exist

That creates a kind of emptiness 

Is it possible that you’ve simply moved beyond more shallow desires? Do you feel like you now resonate more with "higher" desires, like service to others, contributing to humanity, helping, meaningful and stable connections, or the expression of love and wisdom?

I'm not entirely sure if this is the case, but everything you described above seems like a perfect setup for someone noble and selfless to do the right things this world needs. But I’m not sure how you actually feel, just wondering!

[Sugarcoat]

17 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Yes it is exactly repression eheh

Repression makes it sound like something is actively holding something down, caused by some belief “this is not moral” “this isn’t pure” (if you’re religious for example) or “this is taboo”. I don’t have anything like that. I don’t have a belief or self image I try to protect, (like being stoic, when I say I’m stoic I’m not attached to that image, it’s just descriptive of how I am nowadays)

But sure if your definition of repression includes what I deal with then yes it could be that

[Carl-Richard]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

I feel my condition is due to brain wiring so I’d have to rewire brain to change it

Brain rewires by changing behavior. What are you currently doing on a day to day basis?

[Eskilon]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

10 hours ago, Eskilon said:

@Sugarcoat Aren't you curious to know what awakening is? Especially because you had a strong glimpse on 5-meo...

When I tried 5 Meo dmt (small dose) I experienced a kind of emptiness/nothingness. There was not really anything positive about it

But I am open to the fact that it might have been the dose I took so I could have different experience if I tried again and yes it’s something I’d like to try

10 hours ago, Eskilon said:

@Sugarcoat Also how can you be like this since you said your self is mostly dissolved, im trying to grasp that

 

I am not self less. It’s just that I have a very small self because most of it dissolved for me

In my past :

I could get attached to a crush I had, since my self almost dissolved I don’t get attached to anyone anymore

I used to be attached to looking a certain way. I am not attached to my appearance anymore, that disappeared when my self started  to dissolve

I used to have social anxiety and I was attached to having a confident, charming self image. Now that’s all gone 

I used to have as a child chronic existential anxiety, that’s all gone

 

Instead of all of this, which disappeared when I dissolved layers to my self: now different problems arose

I barely feel I exist

That creates a kind of emptiness 

Its almost like walking around in a constant void (almost, not completely because I’m not completely gone)

It is like everything is a bit hollow and lacks richness

Makes sense?

If my sense of self was 100% dissolved maybe this problem would resolve

I see, I thought getting your self dissolved to some degree would bring liberation, not hollowness and lack of richness.

But maybe that depends on the person and their persona prior to it, dont know though. Could be something about development.

[Carl-Richard]

Just now, Eskilon said:

I see, I thought getting your self dissolved to some degree would bring liberation, not hollowness and lack of richness.

But maybe that depends on the person and their persona prior to it, dont know though. Could be something about development.

Feelings of hollowness and emptiness after awakenings are common. But it's one thing to react to that egoically and another to accept it and keep moving forward.

[Schizophonia]

14 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Repression makes it sound like something is actively holding something down, caused by some belief “this is not moral” “this isn’t pure” (if you’re religious for example) or “this is taboo”.

Yea exactly, that's not repression.

14 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I don’t have anything like that. I don’t have a belief or self image I try to protect, (like being stoic, when I say I’m stoic I’m not attached to that image, it’s just descriptive of how I am nowadays)

But sure if your definition of repression includes what I deal with then yes it could be that

 

[Eskilon]

4 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

Feelings of hollowness and emptiness after awakenings are common. But it's one thing to react to that egoically and another to accept it and keep moving forward.

Yes, I know. But I guess it depends on how fat your ego was prior to it too. 

For example if you were really attached to your self image, and to meaning. That awakening would crush you to your bones. But if you were relatively more detached than average it could be an easier time(but still really difficult to deal).

Edited 19 hours ago by Eskilon

[Schizophonia]

2 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

Feelings of hollowness and emptiness after awakenings are common. But it's one thing to react to that egoically and another to accept it and keep moving forward.

Yet you're still here, and you still have energy, an appetite, the urge to pee and poop, etc.
So it's not as if your ego has been blown away; it's just a superficial part that leaves a void.
And if you let yourself go with your heart/will to love, karma takes its course and you're filled again; unless the next karma is repressed by certain limiting beliefs (themselves more or less repressed, to avoid pain), which blocks everything.
I don't know exactly how to do it; for me, it's an automatic process, but the stronger the repression, the less obvious it is.
The process would be something like "what would I do if I only had two weeks to live?" or "what would I do if I were on cocaine, benzodiazepines, or any other de-inhibiting drug."
Psychedelics can also perhaps help a little, on a different way.

[Sugarcoat]

3 hours ago, meta_male said:

@Sugarcoat I still get those thoughts too from time to time, last year was pretty bad.

What helped was dropping the idea that I had to find some great reason to live. I stopped chasing meaning or purpose like it's the only thing to live for. I remember thinking: fuck you Leo for being an emotionless piece of shit, fuck you Actualized community, you idiots have no clue what it's like living right on the edge of life and death. Keep talking about awakening. Keep having your petty debates about which guru is most awake, how society’s doomed, and why everything’s a simulation. Oh, and don’t forget the weekly Owen Cook post. That whole place felt like a cassette stuck on loop. Just like my brain. I thought this community would be filled with like-minded people, but I felt just as left out here as I did in my own family.

I realised there's no point to socialise with anyone online or offline when you're in that state. Especially not with people who've never actually been through crisis. It just makes it worse. So I stuck to myself, did stuff that grounded me. Dumb shit like building a Lego model. Taking photos. Going for walks in nature (I hated those so much). And just to mirror my inner state I watched A LOT of GoPro combat footage, 18+ footage of people getting killed or dying in accidents.

At some point I booked a trackday and just raced it out and it clicked for me. There was no depression when facing my fears and my heart is pumping like crazy. 

Turns out I just have to keep moving. Keep doing shit that scares me. It’s not some grand life philosophy. But for now, it works fine. The thoughts still come back, but I’m not trying to solve them anymore. I’ve spent enough energy on this shit.

I find I am okay with not having great reason to live so that’s something I got down

I feel odd anywhere I go so I can relate to that!

Great that you’ve went in a positive direction!

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

It’s not unbearable as of yet luckily

good:) and what would make it better? can you name one thing that would feel good, and do that? just one thing.