I Want to Wake Up as God and Escape the Human Dream — Why Is That Not Happening?

[Yeah Yeah]

 

I’ve been deep in this work for a while. Reading, meditating, contemplating, journaling, testing ideas, and chasing every glimpse of awakening I can get. I’ve listened to Leo, I’ve listened to others, and I’m fucking serious about this—not just interested in spiritual fluff or talking about the ego. I want the real thing. I want to wake up fully, now, in this lifetime.

And yet here I am—still stuck in this human dream.

Still broke.
Still a virgin in my late 20s.
Still getting up at 3:30 a.m. to clean toilets.
Still driving a shitbox car that could die any week.
Still dealing with cravings, pain, loneliness, depression, and rage.
Still “being called Isaac” by the world. Still “having to survive.”

I don’t want this. I want to wake up as God. Not as some blissed-out gaslit version of peace, but actual, undeniable remembrance of my infinite self. I want to exit the dream. Not escape like a coward, but exit like an awakened being who remembers the game is up.

Everyone keeps saying I’m already God.
That I already am awake.
But that feels like total bullshit when I’m still subject to this matrix of limitation.

If I’m God, why can’t I just wake up right now?
Why do I still have to “earn money,” “go to work,” “get old,” “possibly die in some tragic accident,” or rot in my own aging loneliness just because that’s what this life path seems to be?

I don’t want to “wait for awakening” until after death.
I don’t want to pretend that suffering is okay.
I don’t want to just gaslight myself by saying, “None of this is real,” when it still feels very real—especially when poverty, rejection, and time are punching me in the face daily.

I’ve meditated while stoned.
I’ve tried “quantum leaping” into God-consciousness.
I’ve tried sitting still with my suffering.
I’ve even tried waking up by death, like pressing so hard into the dream that maybe I’ll snap through. But nothing sticks.

So what the fuck am I missing?

Why is awakening dangled like a carrot I’m never allowed to reach?

If I am God, why don’t I have access to God’s full memory?

Why can’t I rewrite this dream on my own terms?

Why do I have to suffer through the game to “earn” what I apparently already am?

Don’t give me “just be more aware” or “you’re already there” unless you can back that with real, lived clarity—because I’m done with spiritual riddles that go nowhere. I want the exit. Or I want to know, for real, that there isn’t one.

Because right now, it feels like I’m trapped in a loop:

 “You’re God, but you’re also this human. Just keep suffering until you die, and maybe then you’ll understand why it had to be this way.”

No.

If I’m infinite and sovereign, then I want to wake up like it.
Otherwise, this is just one more scam inside the dream.

So tell me—what the hell is actually going on here?

[Schizophonia]

Take care of yourself.

 

Edited Wednesday at 06:12 PM by Schizophonia

[Sugarcoat]

Standing between you and god is the illusion of self. And your self is your psyche. Can you bring your attention inward towards your self and your psyche. Can you observe it closely, that’s first step in the dissolution. But most don’t pay much attention to themselves, their attention is out on the world. The self is kept alive through UNawareness

[Schizophonia]

5 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Standing between you and god is the illusion of self. And your self is your psyche. Can you bring your attention inward towards your self and your psyche. Can you observe it closely, that’s first step in the dissolution. But most don’t pay much attention to themselves, their attention is out on the world. The self is kept alive through UNawareness

Op has mood issus.

He needs friends, psychotherapy and maybe some antidepressant cures.

Edited Wednesday at 06:18 PM by Schizophonia

[Sugarcoat]

5 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Op has mood issus.

He needs friends, psychotherapy and maybe some antidepressant cures.

Yea but I think we’re all entitled to wanting to see true infinity, no matter what situation we are in. I don’t think you need to be in the best situation in your life for it to be worth it to strive to see infinity. It’s like it’s the one true longing. I think it’s a good idea to strive for both a good life on the human level and seeing infinity. One doesn’t have to exclude the others 

Edited Wednesday at 06:24 PM by Sugarcoat

[Yeah Yeah]

@Schizophonia  I hear you, but “take care of yourself” doesn’t really engage with the depth of what I’m saying. I’m not asking for life tips—I’m asking why, if I am God, this game is still ongoing with no clear exit. Saying “take care” feels dismissive when what I’m laying out is a direct confrontation with the paradox of awakening.

[Yeah Yeah]

@Sugarcoat I appreciate this more thoughtful response. And yes, I’ve spent a hell of a lot of time looking inward. Journaling, meditating, stripping layers. But that hasn’t dissolved this “self.” It hasn’t ended the loop. So either I’m not going deep enough (even though I feel like I’ve gone to the core), or this whole structure is rigged in a way that no amount of self-observation can undo without some divine intervention. I wonder if there is more than just watching the self die slowly?

[Yeah Yeah]

@Schizophonia That’s incredibly reductive, man. You’re assuming this is just psychological when I’m talking about metaphysical imprisonment. You’re reducing a spiritual dilemma to a DSM diagnosis. That tells me more about your framework than mine. Maybe I do have mood issues—but don’t assume you understand my reality just because it’s rawer than what you’re used to. Also... you post under the name Schizophonia. You of all people should understand that sometimes spiritual and psychological states blur.

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, Yeah Yeah said:

@Sugarcoat I appreciate this more thoughtful response. And yes, I’ve spent a hell of a lot of time looking inward. Journaling, meditating, stripping layers. But that hasn’t dissolved this “self.” It hasn’t ended the loop. So either I’m not going deep enough (even though I feel like I’ve gone to the core), or this whole structure is rigged in a way that no amount of self-observation can undo without some divine intervention. I wonder if there is more than just watching the self die slowly?

We lowkey have similar experience. Because I’ve also done a TON of introspection and I still haven’t dissolved myself although I have came close. It’s like I can’t peel the last layer of self. So I’m wondering the same. It’s like a miracle needs to happen…But I do think the key is in seeing through the self, because it’s like it’s the barrier to non duality 

Edited Wednesday at 06:30 PM by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

2 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Yea but I think we’re all entitled to wanting to see true infinity, no matter what situation we are in. I don’t think you need to be in the best situation in your life for it to be worth it to strive to see infinity. It’s like it’s the one true longing. I think it’s a good idea to strive for both a good life on the human level and seeing infinity. One doesn’t have to exclude the others 

That's true.

I responded that because i intuitively felt less the real craving for infinity/awakening than finally succeeding having a pleasant life.

[Leo Gura]

@Yeah Yeah I explained this precisely here:

https://www.actualized.org/insights/wrong-state

Realistically, to crack this nut you would need to sit down and meditate non-stop for weeks, or find a suitable psychedelic.

Edited Wednesday at 06:40 PM by Leo Gura

[Sugarcoat]

3 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Yeah Yeah I explained this precisely here:

https://www.actualized.org/insights/wrong-state

I read the post. Really good. That’s why I’ve felt like no amount of contemplation does anything for me, because it’s just going around inside my mind, it’s on a mental level purely for me.

 

[Schizophonia]

20 minutes ago, Yeah Yeah said:

@Schizophonia That’s incredibly reductive, man. You’re assuming this is just psychological when I’m talking about metaphysical imprisonment.

You have justified your spiritual venture on the fact you are virgin, have a bad car, and in general a a disappointing life.

You are the one who declared all this.

The most caring thing, little energetic gift i can do is give you height.

Quote

You’re reducing a spiritual dilemma to a DSM diagnosis.

Yes.

Quote

That tells me more about your framework than mine.

Of course, i am in mirror in you and vice versa.

Quote

Maybe I do have mood issues—but don’t assume you understand my reality just because it’s rawer than what you’re used to.

You don't know + it doesn't has importance and if you want to dissolve don't say this kind of sentences. 

Don't capitalize on your suffering.

Quote

Also... you post under the name Schizophonia. You of all people should understand that sometimes spiritual and psychological states blur.

Actually i just found this pseudo funny lol.

I will probably ask for changing it one day btw.

Nevermind.

Edited Wednesday at 06:50 PM by Schizophonia

[Salvijus]

38 minutes ago, Yeah Yeah said:

Still broke.
Still a virgin in my late 20s.
Still getting up at 3:30 a.m. to clean toilets.
Still driving a shitbox car that could die any week.
Still dealing with cravings, pain, loneliness, depression, and rage.
Still “being called Isaac” by the world. Still “having to survive.”

Awakening is not going to solve any of that. Focus on mastering living in alignment with grace instead. Graceful living will lead to continues rise in conciousness. Enjoy the ride. 

Edited Wednesday at 06:47 PM by Salvijus

[Schizophonia]

16 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

We lowkey have similar experience. Because I’ve also done a TON of introspection and I still haven’t dissolved myself although I have came close. It’s like I can’t peel the last layer of self. So I’m wondering the same. It’s like a miracle needs to happen…

Fake you know you're a S tier introspector when you turn insomniac.

 

Jk

[Amilaer---]

@Leo Gura Any other ways to change the state other than hardcore meditation and psychedelics? Could you recommend something else? Maybe kriya yoga? 

[Leo Gura]

2 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

Awakening is not going to solve any of that.

Yeah. Awakening not meant to fix such issues. That is personal development.

[Leo Gura]

4 minutes ago, Amilaer--- said:

@Leo Gura Any other ways to change the state other than hardcore meditation and psychedelics? Could you recommend something else? Maybe kriya yoga? 

Kriya yoga might work. You'd have to try and see.

Kriya yoga requires years of consistent practice though. If you don't do it every day for years, expect nothing.

People who achieve Awakening quickly all have special genetics, which is very rare.

Edited Wednesday at 06:54 PM by Leo Gura

[Yeah Yeah]

@Leo Gura

Thanks again Leo, I appreciate the post. I'm really trying to sit with what you're saying — that the only reason I’m not awake is because I’m in the wrong state. I want to take that seriously. But here's where I get caught:

If state is everything, and none of the things I’ve tried so far — meditation, weed, writing, deep contemplation, surrender — have shifted my state into that “radiance of God” you describe, what specifically changes it? Like what changed it for you? Because it’s not that I’m not trying — it’s that when I ask “how do I shift state,” I keep running into abstract answers like “raise your consciousness” or “change your frequency.”

So here’s my question — does changing state mean moving into higher vibrational states? Like David Hawkins' map of consciousness: powerlessness, grief, fear, desire, all the way up to joy, peace, enlightenment. I've even heard some spiritual folks say that if you get too blissful, too joyous, your body starts to "de-manifest" from physical reality because your frequency is too high.

Is that what you’re pointing at? That I’ve gotta basically drop my painful life story — stop identifying with the suffering, poverty, loneliness — and instead force my state into one of joy or love or expansion? And then that will be the gateway into God-consciousness? Or are you saying that even that wouldn’t be enough unless it’s a radically different state that overrides all vibrational emotional states?

Because honestly, I’m tired of what feels like gaslighting myself. I want something real. I want to actually wake up, not just pretend I’m not the person struggling to survive in a shitty life. So I’m open — I just need some clarity: does the path involve transcending the lower states by reaching joy, or is the path something else entirely? Because if the answer is just “be in a different state,” and I’ve tried everything I know, then how do I actually get into that state?

[Hojo]

@Yeah Yeah you basically see you exist forever so there is no reason not to be in any situation. Your situation won't change but your outlook will. God knows it exists forever so it dosent care at the end it ends up in the same spot. There is a big reason why people go athiest before God you are looking for something to save you when you are it. Christianity tells us God is out there looking at us but its inside of you and right now its pissed off that what its trying isn't working. Stop trying start living the seed is already planted. 

God can't be happy cause you aren't.

The best thing you can do if you haven't seen God is just live life the way you want too and ignore everyone who's shitting on you.

The worst is trying to see it. Its already there in front of you. By trying to see God you are saying its not in the spot it is.

Edited Wednesday at 07:06 PM by Hojo