Should Love Be Reciprocal?

[Blood is Life]

There aren’t many philosophers exploring the ideas of love, at least not as many as those exploring other topics. As a beginner, I came across Erich Fromm and his book The Art of Love. It delves into the idea and meaning of love, and I really enjoyed it, agreeing with much of what he wrote.

One of the main ideas in the book is that love is about giving, not being. You don’t “fall” in love, you are in love. Fromm explains that giving isn’t physical, like gifts, but rather giving of oneself with your time, effort, care, and attention. An important aspect is that one should give without expecting anything in return. This makes sense to me, and I agree with it in theory, but my own experience has taught me differently and left me confused.

I’m 22 years old and a little over two weeks ago my girlfriend broke up with me. Naturally, I started analyzing why. Without going into too much detail I enjoyed giving to her, as I should, without expecting anything in return. But after a few months I found myself expecting at least a thank you, which I did get most of the time. That’s beside the point though. The issue was that I felt like I was giving far more than I was receiving, perhaps 80/20 with me doing the majority.

I still enjoyed giving and didn’t think too much of it initially but over time I started feeling frustrated because I wasn’t getting much back. Unconsciously, I began resenting her which led to me no longer enjoying our time together. I didn’t feel like giving as much anymore and things quickly fell apart. Looking back, I don’t even miss her much. According to Fromm, true love doesn’t perish, so I suppose it wasn’t love.

To sum up, I’d like to understand one thing. Was I wrong to expect something in return when loving someone? Or did I do what I was supposed to, but the other person just wasn’t the right one for me?

 

[NoSelfSelf]

You must be clear on your expectations of her,dating is a process to see does she fit into your vision.

You must plant the seeds to communicate what you like and dont like,how you live and what you want.In a way that is not forcing.

You dont force her to give you things,she will give it based on how she sees you and your influences.

You give at all times, but if she doesnt follow instructions on your expectations of her, choices she makes on her own, then shes not for you.

So she will give based on who you are and some of them just dont give at all so you choose if thats okay.

Ofcourse its not you just giving  "love" is conditional,unconditional love is for yourself.

Edited January 19 by NoSelfSelf

[Blood is Life]

5 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

You must be clear on your expectations of her,dating is a process to see does she fit into your vision.

You must plant the seeds to communicate what you like and dont like,how you live and what you want.In a way that is not forcing.

You dont force her to give you things,she will give it based on how she sees you and your influences.

You give at all times, but if she doesnt follow instructions on your expectations of her, choices she makes on her own, then shes not for you.

So she will give based on who you are and some of them just dont give at all so you choose if thats okay.

Ofcourse its not you just giving  "love" is conditional,unconditional love is for yourself.

I understand what you’re saying, and I agree that clear communication is key in a relationship. However, I also believe that love shouldn’t feel like a list of demands or instructions. It’s about understanding and respecting each other’s needs and feelings. Of course, giving and receiving is important, but if it feels like a one-sided effort where the other person isn’t giving anything back, it doesn’t feel like a mutually fulfilling partnership. I believe love can be both conditional and unconditional at the same time, but it needs to be balanced and fair for both people.

 

[gettoefl]

There is undivided effort and there is spreading yourself too thin.

Some people spread themselves too thin because they are stuck in stuff they are immersed in.

They say they are free but the reality is they are not.

They delude themselves; they delude you.

This takes time to discover.

Both should be equally free.

[Blood is Life]

9 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

There is undivided effort and there is spreading yourself too thin.

Some people spread themselves too thin because they are stuck in stuff they are immersed in.

They say they are free but the reality is they are not.

They delude themselves; they delude you.

This takes time to discover.

Both should be equally free.

There’s definitely a difference between giving your all and spreading yourself too thin. People sometimes get so caught up in their own world that they lose track of what it really means to be free in a relationship. Both partners should have space to be themselves, without getting trapped in false ideas or unnecessary pressures. It’s about finding a balance where neither person feels overwhelmed. Figuring out if the other person is on the same page with that freedom takes time, but it’s key to a healthy relationship.

 

[Yimpa]

56 minutes ago, Blood is Life said:

Fromm explains that giving isn’t physical, like gifts, but rather giving of oneself with your time, effort, care, and attention.

I am curious as to why it can’t be both? 

[gettoefl]

23 minutes ago, Blood is Life said:

There’s definitely a difference between giving your all and spreading yourself too thin. People sometimes get so caught up in their own world that they lose track of what it really means to be free in a relationship. Both partners should have space to be themselves, without getting trapped in false ideas or unnecessary pressures. It’s about finding a balance where neither person feels overwhelmed. Figuring out if the other person is on the same page with that freedom takes time, but it’s key to a healthy relationship.

 

Yes you summarized well. Our priorities are what count: where we place our energy and how much flexibility do we allow in this. To be compatible means we have similar amounts to bring to the table. It is not so much material things that matter but more to do with priorities and values and maturity.

[NoSelfSelf]

59 minutes ago, Blood is Life said:

I understand what you’re saying, and I agree that clear communication is key in a relationship. However, I also believe that love shouldn’t feel like a list of demands or instructions. It’s about understanding and respecting each other’s needs and feelings. Of course, giving and receiving is important, but if it feels like a one-sided effort where the other person isn’t giving anything back, it doesn’t feel like a mutually fulfilling partnership. I believe love can be both conditional and unconditional at the same time, but it needs to be balanced and fair for both people.

 

Im telling you how it is when its stripped away from the fairy tale of love and feelings.Its transactional and if you wish to get things in return be of value,have structure,instructions for your vision.If you want it to be on random by following feelings,love then logic and strategy fails just wait for it to unfold ,without asking queastions why this happened or that since love and feeling are unpredictable.

[Blood is Life]

27 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

I am curious as to why it can’t be both? 

I think it can definitely be both. Fromm focuses on emotional giving, like time, effort, and care, but that doesn’t mean gifts or physical gestures aren’t meaningful too. It’s just that the emotional connection should come first, and gifts should be a way to show that, not replace it.

 

Edited January 19 by Blood is Life

[Blood is Life]

26 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

Yes you summarized well. Our priorities are what count: where we place our energy and how much flexibility do we allow in this. To be compatible means we have similar amounts to bring to the table. It is not so much material things that matter but more to do with priorities and values and maturity.

That’s a great point, I think it’s easy to lose sight of what really matters when things get complicated.

 

[Blood is Life]

9 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Im telling you how it is when its stripped away from the fairy tale of love and feelings.Its transactional and if you wish to get things in return be of value,have structure,instructions for your vision.If you want it to be on random by following feelings,love then logic and strategy fails just wait for it to unfold ,without asking queastions why this happened or that since love and feeling are unpredictable.

I still think there’s room for both logic and genuine connection in love. It’s not just about structure or being transactional, there’s something meaningful in being vulnerable and open too. It’s a balance between strategy and letting things unfold naturally.

 

[NoSelfSelf]

5 minutes ago, Blood is Life said:

I still think there’s room for both logic and genuine connection in love. It’s not just about structure or being transactional, there’s something meaningful in being vulnerable and open too. It’s a balance between strategy and letting things unfold naturally.

 

I dont know how can you be logical and objective if you fall in love with a woman,if you have that talent go for it.

[AION]

There is no one kind of love. In English there is only 1 love but the love between two brothers is different than the romantic love or love between child and parent.

In other languages there are different words for brotherly love versus romantic love, versus parental love.

I think love is recognizing yourself in the other and seeing yourself in the same boat to some degree. If your love is very low, the relationship will be very transactional (nothing wrong with this) but the more you see the other as in the same boat/faith, the less transactional it will be. 

Nowadays relationships are very transactional so it is hard to find real love. And a lot of guys are burning their fingers going in unconditionally while the women are monkey branching. Or the other way around. You have to understand the dynamic and act accordingly. Women are very sensitive to these dynamics. They understand it subconsciously. 

[Sugarcoat]

Why would she be with you if she’s not gonna love you? Isn’t the reason for being with someone that you love them, what’s the point if not? Her breaking up with you shows that she didn’t love you. Ofc you expect someone to give you love if they’re gonna be with you. Not in a needy way, but as a given. Very simple. (Not in dating but in relationship)
 

Also drop any idea that you need to love in a certain way due to some philosophy. Be honest with yourself about what you truly feel and think about it and become clear with yourself what you think genuinely not what some philosophy says

Edited January 19 by Sugarcoat

[puporing]

That's awfully imbalanced.. things don't have to be 50/50 exactly, but if the gap is too great, you will eventually feel tired out or taken advantage of, or you feel like some kind of "parent". It could also be something you have to grow in yourself too.. eg, what is the point of being in close quarters with someone like that? 

[Tenebroso]

Everything you are doing for her that you think should be appreciated is now considered the bare minimum.

[Blood is Life]

35 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

I dont know how can you be logical and objective if you fall in love with a woman,if you have that talent go for it.

Being logical doesn’t mean you can’t feel deeply. Emotions and clear thinking can coexist, it’s all about balance.

 

[Blood is Life]

31 minutes ago, AION said:

There is no one kind of love. In English there is only 1 love but the love between two brothers is different than the romantic love or love between child and parent.

In other languages there are different words for brotherly love versus romantic love, versus parental love.

I think love is recognizing yourself in the other and seeing yourself in the same boat to some degree. If your love is very low, the relationship will be very transactional (nothing wrong with this) but the more you see the other as in the same boat/faith, the less transactional it will be. 

Nowadays relationships are very transactional so it is hard to find real love. And a lot of guys are burning their fingers going in unconditionally while the women are monkey branching. Or the other way around. You have to understand the dynamic and act accordingly. Women are very sensitive to these dynamics. They understand it subconsciously. 

It’s true that different types of love exist, and relationships today often feel transactional. I agree that understanding those dynamics is key, but I also believe that true love requires more than just recognizing someone’s value in a transactional way. It’s about building something deeper together.

 

[Blood is Life]

22 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Why would she be with you if she’s not gonna love you? Isn’t the reason for being with someone that you love them, what’s the point if not? Her breaking up with you shows that she didn’t love you. Ofc you expect someone to give you love if they’re gonna be with you. Not in a needy way, but as a given. Very simple. (Not in dating but in relationship)
 

Also drop any idea that you need to love in a certain way due to some philosophy. Be honest with yourself about what you truly feel and think about it and become clear with yourself what you think genuinely not what some philosophy says

Love should definitely be a two-way thing in a relationship. It’s not about following a certain philosophy, it’s about being real with yourself and with the other person. You can’t force someone to love you, but you can’t be in a relationship if there’s no genuine love there. I think it’s important to trust your own feelings and not try to fit them into any predefined idea of what love should be.

 

[Sugarcoat]

1 minute ago, Blood is Life said:

Love should definitely be a two-way thing in a relationship. It’s not about following a certain philosophy, it’s about being real with yourself and with the other person. You can’t force someone to love you, but you can’t be in a relationship if there’s no genuine love there. I think it’s important to trust your own feelings and not try to fit them into any predefined idea of what love should be.

 

Exactly bro