Finished the LP course

[UnbornTao]

2 minutes ago, Jannes said:

Remote Viewing. 

I do formal training to learn it with a coach and all that..

Ahh, got it, thanks. I thought it meant recreational vehicle, that's why I asked. Fucking Google. 

[Jannes]

2 minutes ago, UnbornTao said:

Ahh, got it, thanks. I thought it meant recreational vehicle, that's why I asked. Fucking Google. 

Haha 

[Yimpa]

21 hours ago, Jannes said:

I like this piece of art.

I am going to steal that! 

[Jannes]

When I came back from a walk today I maybe saw a women from my old theatre club in her car. Not that I ever had a close connection to her, but I pretty much atomatically waved to her just so she could hopefully see me in her back mirror. It was a bit much but I didnt think much of it until now. 

It seems that this group still simply overwhelms me. I am tempted to too many survival goodies with this group. 

I think this is really the reason why its so hard to either part ways or find a new beginning. I cant completely block off internally because of all the benefits but I also cant go there because my mind would be swept away by the group think. And also no one, not even the leader would want to voluntarily talk with me about the club outside of the club because then I could threaten it. 

[Jannes]

One of my seminars is cancelled tomorror. The slop is insane, I have so little commitments. Which is great, speeds up my RV-progress if that ever leads to something. 

[Jannes]

I was just flying through my RV - session today. 

21min, I never had less then 30min before. Also just two mini breaks I think where I wrote down a sentence or two about something I needed to get off my mind. 

Already was in university and stuff today, so this wasnt the first thing in the morning and I had a big meal followed with a second dose of medication before doing the RV session. I felt relatively sharp though. Not sure how all this affects my ability to RV. 

..

I expected a dip in performance today, first because I would likely expect to be better which would ruin my results and second because it was likely just a lucky hit. But it was pretty okay, I would say almost on par with my results yesterday. Maybe I did improve a bit. 

Edited Monday at 03:52 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

The second medicinet pill broke my brain, I was super hyper active adhd. It was actually pretty nice at impro acting but just too much afterwards. That was about 4 hours after I took the second pill though. 

[Jannes]

On 2.11.2025 at 2:17 AM, Jannes said:

Knew another girl from chit chatting before as well. Gosh, I dont know what it is, but I feel super attracted to her. I kind of have a sexual blockade but with her I would do it right away. She has a bf though. She seems authentically interested though, also giving off a few subtle signs with the most obvious one asking me if I want the last gulp of her grapefruit beer as she couldnt finish it. I have to be careful to not drive into the next mess right away -- unless she is poly or something. 

Asked a female friend who hosted the party casually if she and her supposed bf are in a monogamous relationship and she said no, they have an open relationship. OMG! ...

On 2.11.2025 at 2:06 PM, Jannes said:

I woke up in the middle of the night with a boner, dreaming about banging her. Then jerked off to her. 

I dont even know whats going on. 

 

 

[Jannes]

If I know loose interest all of a sudden, my mind is seriously twisted. 

[Jannes]

On 2.11.2025 at 2:17 AM, Jannes said:

I was there with a few friends I know closer though. At one point one said that he really appreciates me for being dead honest and authentic to which another one agreed to. Good to get that feedback. 

Today he told me that my eyes always look red. Interesting. 

[Jannes]

I just remember, so after impro in the cafeteria I was filling oat milk in a coffee of a friend of mine and barely dodged bumping into another person. I was just, thats perfect, I just got all the adrenaline for no cost.  There is some mad cocktail going on in my brain with that second medicinet pill today. 

What is so interesting is that I was also less sensitive. I asked for more stuff for myself, like when I asked if that girl was monogamous. So reading the reactions is interesting. 

[Jannes]

Had a talk with a psychotherapist today. My adhd psychologist recommened them to me. 

The psychotherapist was interesting. She seemed grounded but a bit hard to get warm with. I was in a very weird state as well though, I felt like I was tripping with the medication, so maybe thats also on me a bit. 

She talked how great group theraphy is but that solo theraphy would also be an option. Could start with group theraphy this week or next, afterwards a group is formed and its hard to enter. With solo theraphy it would take a little longer. 

While I was there some things went through my mind. For one, I made a lot of progress so the problems I had back then when I wanted theraphy arent as pravelent as before. I also wouldnt talk about remote viewing I think and importantly I dont know if I would talk about my flirting problem. I dont know how to package it. I imagine people there with little sense of self worth, without a partner and I tell them that I struggle with having too many people who want to smash with me. Who would even believe me when I told them. I opened up on the forum and nobody believed me, I opened up to my parents describing what happened in detail and they didnt believe me, I told my ex-F+ and she didnt believe me, I told the leader of my old theatre club and he didnt want to talk to me, I even told my old psychiatrist and she didnt believe me ... I have good reason not to open up about it. 

And I dont feel like telling her. I think she also just saw a lot of shit in her career. I feel like I have luxury problems when I talk to her. Maybe thats true. Why dont I just take what I want and shut up. Well, now I could but without medication that really wouldnt be possible. 

 

[Jannes]

Oh and hyper sensitivity including the emotional domain is also a thing and falls under neurodivergency. Should look that up as emotional oversensitivity is like the most striking problem for me and it might be a problem of its own or a side problem of adhd. Making that distinction might be important to get crystal clear about my mind. 

[Jannes]

Considering my mental state I went through my RV - session pretty fast today in 26min. I only made a break with the previous post. And I also thought about how much damage I took from the leader of my old theatre club withholding a response from me. 

Judging by the results my session went pretty badly. Yesterday I expected to get worse, today not so much so this sucks a bit. Its the normal process though to have a few sessions which go very well but most going badly for quite some time. 

[Jannes]

I dont know how to organize going about all the girls I flirt with atm. 

So with the wpmi-girl I am keeping distance for now, even though she was nice last time.

The mario-kart and chill girl is a difficult case because I already know that I dont want anything serious from her but she already committed to a certain extend and I also see her all the time. So when I flirt with another girl its bad but when I do as well because I see her so often. 

The girl who is in an open relationship I see on thursday, next to the wpmi-girl and the mario kart and chill girl so thats a bit of an unfortunate overlap. 

On wednesday I also kinda flirt with another girl but she has healthy standards and looks for something a bit more serious I think. Or at least I see her more of a gf material and would like to free resources if I approached her. 

..

Thats one side. The other side is that I dont truly know what I want myself. I am swinging back and forth between wanting casual sex and a deep relationship. 

Its weird, I feel like without medication I would have just found something authentic but I wouldnt be able to manifest it. Now I feel like I am just falling for a mistake. On the other hand maybe this is the only way I can learn atm. 

[Jannes]

2 hours ago, Jannes said:

I dont know how to organize going about all the girls I flirt with atm. 

So with the wpmi-girl I am keeping distance for now, even though she was nice last time.

The mario-kart and chill girl is a difficult case because I already know that I dont want anything serious from her but she already committed to a certain extend and I also see her all the time. So when I flirt with another girl its bad but when I do as well because I see her so often. 

The girl who is in an open relationship I see on thursday, next to the wpmi-girl and the mario kart and chill girl so thats a bit of an unfortunate overlap. 

On wednesday I also kinda flirt with another girl but she has healthy standards and looks for something a bit more serious I think. Or at least I see her more of a gf material and would like to free resources if I approached her. 

..

Thats one side. The other side is that I dont truly know what I want myself. I am swinging back and forth between wanting casual sex and a deep relationship. 

Its weird, I feel like without medication I would have just found something authentic but I wouldnt be able to manifest it. Now I feel like I am just falling for a mistake. On the other hand maybe this is the only way I can learn atm. 

Spent some time with me to get more in touch with myself and what I really want. That was nice. 

All of this is just survival shit. The only person I really seem to be interested in is the girl who seems to have higher standards at the social spot. 

..

But I am just too stupid to follow that. I need to get some sloppy sex to get it out of my mind. 

[Jannes]

So I ended up reading Blame! to the end. I feel like the best inspiration was at the beginning, I didnt get much out of it afterwards. This moment was funny. 

[Jannes]

Oh my dreams. 

Somehow a baby elephant got to me and I took care of him. I probably didnt do a good job at it as he seemed to loose a lot of weight looking like a noodle. When we went swimming at the beach together I thougt about if I should feed him bananas or lentils. I was loosing him at some point, then was very relieved to find him again. I felt like I have gotten to him a bit egoistical though, seeing him as something I own. So he swam away like your own child that you cant keep in your house forever.. bzzt so when I searched for Mr. Baby Elephant at the public train and saw him at another train I had a breakdown and punched the window of this train with my blank hand, not to intimidate or take him back, but just to show and express him how much I love him and care about him and want all the best for his future. He barely even noticed me which was seemed totally expectable. 

Edited Wednesday at 11:42 AM by Jannes

[Jannes]

Cant open up the emoticons. Huh, the last time that happened I permanently couldnt upload pictures, maybe another function is shut down. 

[Jannes]

16 hours ago, Jannes said:

I dont know how to organize going about all the girls I flirt with atm. 

So with the wpmi-girl I am keeping distance for now, even though she was nice last time.

The mario-kart and chill girl is a difficult case because I already know that I dont want anything serious from her but she already committed to a certain extend and I also see her all the time. So when I flirt with another girl its bad but when I do as well because I see her so often. 

The girl who is in an open relationship I see on thursday, next to the wpmi-girl and the mario kart and chill girl so thats a bit of an unfortunate overlap. 

On wednesday I also kinda flirt with another girl but she has healthy standards and looks for something a bit more serious I think. Or at least I see her more of a gf material and would like to free resources if I approached her. 

..

Thats one side. The other side is that I dont truly know what I want myself. I am swinging back and forth between wanting casual sex and a deep relationship. 

Its weird, I feel like without medication I would have just found something authentic but I wouldnt be able to manifest it. Now I feel like I am just falling for a mistake. On the other hand maybe this is the only way I can learn atm. 

I feel weird describing my relatively successful dating life when it seems like a few people are reading this, it feels like bragging almost. 

Two things: 

For one I dont want to change my rhetoric one bit, I want to keep it authentic. 

And two I also seem to have blockades about opening up which likely overlaps a bit with what I describe here which.

Part of my survival strategy seems to be to be undercover/ keep a low profile. Which is something which happens to people who were bullied. Although I am not conscious of how this exactly manifests.