Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I had many difficult RV - sessions, but this one felt like a different beast altogether. My mind is going insane, it feels impossible to calm down my mind for RV. Ideally you want to enter a no-thought zone, I did that often but right now it feels like a distant memory. 

At the second part I happened to just my background so I strong contrast of black and white was created instead of the usual soft contrast of light-wood with white. That seemed to increase my awareness quite a lot.

There were two moments in which I felt relatively confident that I actually got the essence and not just an interpretation of my mind and I was super on point with those. My target was a waterwall and for movement I had "fall" and for color I had acryl and brightblue. I am really happy about that. 

[Jannes]

Just had an idea for a foursome. Two very emotionally intense and ungrounded people A&B (adhd folks for example) have sex with each other. Their sex is completly over the top intense because they can reach both reach incredible emotional and awareness peaks. But they are also very ungrounded and burn out relatively fast. So each of them has another person C&D that is really grounded but not as intense. C&D prolong the sex of A&B as they help to regulate their emotions and keep them from burning out. So A&B have amazing sex. C&D on the other hand also benefit from regulating the emotions of A&B because they co-experience the desire and emotional ups and downs of person A&B like watching an intense movie.

[Jannes]

RV - session went okay today. Actually had a couple of really good hits but also mostly misses. 52 mins.

No notes .. WHAAT!?

I had the idea of creating a simplified Metagame on Pokemon Showdown for Newbies from Level 1 to 3. It would entail most of the core mechanics but it would be vastly resuced in available Pokemon to like 20 maximum, types, movepool, items etc. so that you could get it relatively quickly as a newbie. But even with that you could integrate most of the core dynamics. And because it would be such an artificial format it could be designed with the compedetive intent and not be up to Gamefreaks random ideas. I blocked all Pokemon but can still do research on my Phone. This and my creativity and Game knowledge is enough to distract my mind a ton. I know if I would just play a little I would be an addict for the next couple of days. Repressing that was hard in the RV - session. 

I guess its because I do this dopamine fasting atm. Well I dont really care about dopamine fasting, I just dont want to get distracted/ unpurify my mind. 

[Jannes]

A lot of uncomfortable emotions come up. Eww 

I guess its because I took my medicinet so early today, that it lost it effect already. 

[Jannes]

I was explaining chatgpt the situation in full detail which is a bad habit. But it kind of highlighted many instances where she was definitely very interested and likely just overwhelmed with her nervous system which is why she was defensive. 

That plot made some sense. 

At the same time I feared the whole time that I might loose a friend with whoms girlfriend I have a good connection with and was already thinking about back to my old theatre club if things arent getting better either way. 

Then at the impro spot that guy was completly on fire, he never acted that well before. And other people had strong performances as well. 

This provoked two things in me. For one the connection with the guy seemed fine after all but it requires a lot of emotional adaptation which started in that moment. And second I doubted strongly that I was actually that attractive with the girl if the other guys could act that well. The plot that she was overwhelmed by me seemed less reasonable and so I stronger sense of guilt and shame came up. 

I can kind of name these dynamics at least but I still feel kinda shitty. 

[Jannes]

21 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I was explaining chatgpt the situation in full detail which is a bad habit. But it kind of highlighted many instances where she was definitely very interested and likely just overwhelmed with her nervous system which is why she was defensive. 

That plot made some sense. 

At the same time I feared the whole time that I might loose a friend with whoms girlfriend I have a good connection with and was already thinking about back to my old theatre club if things arent getting better either way. 

Then at the impro spot that guy was completly on fire, he never acted that well before. And other people had strong performances as well. 

This provoked two things in me. For one the connection with the guy seemed fine after all but it requires a lot of emotional adaptation which started in that moment. And second I doubted strongly that I was actually that attractive with the girl if the other guys could act that well. The plot that she was overwhelmed by me seemed less reasonable and so I stronger sense of guilt and shame came up. 

I can kind of name these dynamics at least but I still feel kinda shitty. 

I am just describing what I am feeling, not what logically makes sense. 

[Jannes]

29 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I was explaining chatgpt the situation in full detail which is a bad habit. But it kind of highlighted many instances where she was definitely very interested and likely just overwhelmed with her nervous system which is why she was defensive. 

That plot made some sense. 

At the same time I feared the whole time that I might loose a friend with whoms girlfriend I have a good connection with and was already thinking about back to my old theatre club if things arent getting better either way. 

Then at the impro spot that guy was completly on fire, he never acted that well before. And other people had strong performances as well. 

This provoked two things in me. For one the connection with the guy seemed fine after all but it requires a lot of emotional adaptation which started in that moment. And second I doubted strongly that I was actually that attractive with the girl if the other guys could act that well. The plot that she was overwhelmed by me seemed less reasonable and so I stronger sense of guilt and shame came up. 

I can kind of name these dynamics at least but I still feel kinda shitty. 

At the cafeteria was a weird mood though. Silence. And he seemed just a touch more distant. 

But they talked with each other and it seems good, just takes a bit of time until it stabilizes again I think. 

[Jannes]

Had a short moment where I got into the mood of telling a poem. I layed on the coach there, it was perfect. 

Then someone ringed at the door to get their package. Even though it was just like 20 seconds, it shocked my nervous system enough so that I couldnt reenter that state. This is very painful. I remember being thrown out of an almost mystical level love meditation by my ignorant mom back home. I will never forgive her for that. 

I never reached the same intensity and depth in meditation like back in my last school days. Hmm I experienced the biggest stage orange drive and was pretty aware from not being able to distract myself in school from youtube and even at home I rarely consumed anything and had the self control to not even look at the screen. I had a mad drive going for a year of NoFap. But all of that also resulted in having more sucessful meditation interestingly. When you have so much control that you can force a no thought meditation to happen .. thats quite something. 

Maybe just having a more active week and less distraction will get me mostly there, or perhaps my change in attitude really did make it more difficult. 

[Jannes]

I feel like this about ADHD sometimes too. 

Well the hyperfocus can be misguided as well, like when Trump though there would be a trap when the escalator didnt work properly at the UN meeting. 

[Jannes]

3 hours ago, Jannes said:

Then at the impro spot that guy was completly on fire, he never acted that well before. And other people had strong performances as well. 

I always wondered how one person in my old theatre club was such a prodigy, so much more gifted in acting then everyone else. 
He was gifted for sure but I think it was also his nervous system being constantly firing. He was living pretty hardcore and had the support to ground himself, which put him in a natural position to perform intense roles. I came to that conclusion back then and I come to it again. 

Coming to that conclusion because I feel like my friend acted that well today because his nervous system seemed on fire. And I notice the same thing about myself. 

Edited November 10 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I finally wrote the names of all of my close neighboors down so that next time I get asked if I take a package for someone I can confidently say yes or no, depending if they are on the list or not. 

Wanted to do that for at least a year or so, so great that this finally happened. 

[Jannes]

I let my mind find a new way to distract itself. This is so unstimulating and I need to think a lot myself, I dont think this will be damaging. Its an experiment.  

[Jannes]

Even found a way to listen to Vlad Vexlers basic talks through his facebook. If I am not signed in I have very limited access to facebook, just enough to view his recent talks. Hope that works. 

[Jannes]

I might have really stumbled upon something.

Yesterday evening my mind went nuts. Creativity and vivid imagination through the roof, a ton of clearness, emotional processing, having fear looking at myself in the mirror because it was dark haha. 

This thing allows a combination of things, it keeps my mind busy while not feeding it entertainment garbage and also I need to be active instead of passively watching for example. I knew I needed exactly something like that, which is why I was so looking to learn knitting and stuff.

Its the next morning and I had incredible dreams. Good dreams. And I feel heightened awareness, everything has a bit of an ASMR touch to it. 

Just incredible.

[Jannes]

A part of that heighteneed feeling yesterday could also be his gf asking me why it was so quit at the cafeteria. I also noticed that.

14 hours ago, Jannes said:

At the cafeteria was a weird mood though. Silence. And he seemed just a touch more distant. 

But they talked with each other and it seems good, just takes a bit of time until it stabilizes again I think. 

..

She also has adhd and is quite sensitive to things like that. I often underestimate how much I need some kind of resonance so that could play a role as well. 

Not sure how to respond to her now. She needs cues but I also make myself vulnerable when I give them, for one because I imply that I know she wants something from me and second because I can read the whole dynamic which might make her bf dislike me. So careful cues it is I guess.

[Jannes]

Going full balls to the walls 20mg medicinet and another 10mg afterwards today. Never took that much. 

I am completly free today so its the perfect day to dry it out. I didnt notice much effect of the 20mg medicinet this morning so that will be interesting. 

My max dose would be about 70mg for my weight so in this context its not extreme. My mind went pretty nuts on 20mg last monday though when I took two doses. 

[Jannes]

My mind went a bit crazy on the 30mg medicinet total today. Wanted to do the RV - session but then had almost an hour of a daydreaming session walking around my room in circles. I very natural thing to do for me back in the day I might add though.

Then the session went okay. I was very confident at a few moments that I viewed the essence but in these moments I got it exactly right. My mind cant yet tell what is correct remote viewing and what isnt.

Got some insights again:

Back in the day I often thought that my mind is naturally very close to enlightenment or what not, I just need to position myself in a position to reach it. Because my mind knows that it is afraid and finds stupid things to throw in my way. And yesterday, randomly, I got to that insight again, as the worlde quiz brought me out of my usual problems. Interesting that my attention is strongly on the dynamic of my female friend and her bf now, I contemplated that dynamic so long. Maybe I can locate that drive for distraction in my mind and stop it. On the other hand I also wrote her a message that would lead to the situation not escalating, so I may not be that bad in the end. 

The artist girl just wrote me asking me a pretty deep question, if I think intellectual abilites can be archieved by anyone in the right environement or not. I already created a boundary asking why she is interested in that question. She said its fun to talk about and open your worldview and stuff.. But the unerlying strategy clearly seems to be to get closer and philosophy/ deep talk is the way to do it. Maybe she also heard of my close to - hookup story. I like her but she has to many mental health problems. And has a bf. Gosh I need my medication to get through this. 

Whats pretty clear in the end though is that my old theatre club wasnt some special fucked up place, it was just fucked up like the rest with its own unique flavour. "Hey guys, I left you because I felt like you were all terrible people, but experience suggest all the other people are terrible as well so that relativises things, so maybe we can be friends again?" Anything other then that would be lying. 

If the hypothesis that advanced meditation work better for adhd minds is correct - that would maybe imply a lot for my remote viewing practice. As remote viewing feels a lot like meditation is many ways. My trainer suggests only one practice to me which is the same for every student. There are other practices as well though.

..

I am getting into social problems or feel like they control me because I am NOT LEADING. Of course, how simple. 

[Jannes]

Even though I didnt do that much today in terms of work, I feel like I accomplished a great deal because my wrote that message to my female friend. So much was implied there, its quite a lot. 

[Jannes]

I played wordle for hours today. Its not fun anymore, at some point your mind goes crazy trying to figure out the word but it does keep you open to do something else at least. 
I went to another social spot today. A friend asked me. I was alone at first though. And I didnt reach a social state at all. I hated myself so much seeing that everybody could seeminlgy have fun while I felt like I was so boring. I talked to two guys in their end 30s to 40s most of the night. It was actually very grounding to talk to older folks. And they had quite interesting takes on different girls in my social spot. One girl I found very sweet they hated on quite a lot and the artist girl they quite liked. That named all the problems as well but said she would be honest. 

...

I hear some ticking noise. Its my watch at the wall. I wonder if the sound is new or if I never heard it before. 

Which reminds me, back in my school days or the end of my school days I could literally hear the sound of my charging cable and I could sleep because of it. My baseline consciousness was higher -- likely because I couldnt distract myself all day. 

[Jannes]

With being more aware, I feel like I could handle psychedelics better. 

I have freakin DMT for months now and still havent given it a try.