Feels Like I'm Wearing A Mask All The Time.

[Max_V]

Since I was about 12 I started developing a habit where I always  laugh at every joke, always try to look happy even when I'm not, always listening to everyone, always trying to please everyone. This mask I have been carrying till right now. December 2015, I started reading and meditating every day, this helped me understand my social anxiety better and overcome it step by step. Most of the time when I'm alone It's not hard for me to become present and mindful and I can feel peace and content with this moment. However when I'm at school or a social situation I slip back into my mask and get unconscious. I have to put so much effort into how I feel like I have to respond to people in a conversation or how I look at people that I can't keep my focus on my breath or my body. My question is: How do I become conscious in social situations and what can I do to feel more authentic instead of wearing  that mask every time when people are around.

Regards,

Max

[egoeimai]

Is this some kind of fear? Im questioning myself. Anxiety,I believe,always comes from fear,its a coping mechanism.Same applies to when you feel shame/embarrassment.

I think its the mind trying to help you with fear. So you just put this mask on,for not being judged by others,and when there's noone around you just relax. Maybe this mask is to protect yourself,you put yourself in an alarm-mode and I think its very logical to do so. 

If you can remind to yourself that you ARE in charge with your thoughts and reactions,that noone can harm you or make you feel this way or that way and noone can think your thoughts,noone can judge you but yourself. There's nothing to be afraid of. Noone can force you to feel a certain way. Noone can react for you. Keep that in mind. You get to choose everything. Give up the struggle. Noone can hurt you If you are just relaxed and calm and If you are not letting those words of others,really affect you.Practise that. Be uncomfortable. But first acknowledge that. You dont have to hide yourself,there's no intention of others to hurt you. 

Keep going. Good luck.

Edited April 17, 2017 by egoeimai

[HelloThere]

Was listening to the video about backsliding today and how homeostasis is the default position that you tend to be dragged back into whatever you are trying to do unless you spend energy and emotional labor to get out of it. I realised that at some point in my life I went kind of onto autopilot mode and it felt comfortable but something was a bit off. I had learned how to respond to people in social situations and sort of dodge most uncomfortable encounters with people by defusing the situation in one way or the other but it was just so I could avoid the uncomfortable. Avoidance of conflict was my default position that I didn't want to change because it was "the nice thing to do". I've started to think now that being uncomfortable is not a bad thing and being not liked always is completely fine if you do it sincerely and respectfully. You start feeling more true to yourself when you express how you feel even if you know it will likely bring some friction between you and that person/group. Just don't lose sight and start stroking your ego by criticizing every situation or seeking attention with bold statements or something (kind of do that sometimes). If you do it carefully and slowly with small expressions of yourself it will feel like being yourself more and the friction won't be as big. You'll develop in chunks. Think Leo had some video about how not to be a people pleaser.

My main motivator was thinking something like how the hell am I supposed to have any relationships and connection with people when all they know is the mask behind me and them. That's one sure way of being forever alone even when you are surrounded by people. Plus apparently being authentic (not people pleasing) is attractive so in a funny way you will actually be liked if you stop trying to be liked. So if all you want to do is be liked then I guess even then you should get rid of the mask

Edited April 17, 2017 by HelloThere

[HelloThere]

14 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

homeostasis is the default position that you tend to be dragged back into whatever you are trying to do unless you spend energy and emotional labor to get out of it.

Point being it's not supposed to be emotionally comfortable and "painless" to get out of what you are doing now and it probably helps to accept that and just take the action and feel a bit weird about it after.
You said you always laugh at other peoples jokes. You could try not laughing or if you think it would be funnier told in a different way you could retell the joke differently. Express yourself somehow to show that you think it is less funny. You don't automatically have to be a dick about it

[Prabhaker]

7 hours ago, Max_V said:

Since I was about 12 I started developing a habit where I always  laugh at every joke, always try to look happy even when I'm not, always listening to everyone, always trying to please everyone. This mask I have been carrying till right now.

From your very childhood you have been taught to wear masks, beautiful masks. There is no need to have a beautiful face, just a beautiful mask will do. Your whole training is to hide your original face, to wear masks - masks which are appealing to people,masks which are appreciated by people.

A man who is ready to drop all masks, all pretensions, all hypocrisies, and show to the world what he, in reality, is. He can be condemned, dishonored, or crucified.

[Arman]

Try making less of a distinction between masks you wear in social occasions and more subtle masks that are worn when you are alone. The programming/conditioning is always there - it is just heightened or triggered when you are around people - so if you are struggling to create mindfulness and act from a more grounded space when you are around people, then remind yourself that gains can be made at all times. Any time you meditation or return to your body, you are improving. 

Particularly it may be useful to process the emotions of the social experiences afterwards when you're by yourself. You will be able to tap back into the tightness/discomfort that you felt and use it as an opportunity to work with it. 

The softer you feel on the subject and the less 'strained' your focus on it is, then the more steadily and comfortably will you start to shift. Soften your attention on the subject by being more gentle on yourself, being more compassionate and by recognizing that everyone around you feels the same way, they struggle with these issues and are wearing masks of their own. If you meditate on the idea that everyone has these layers of conditioning, you'll start to see it as less of a burden or malady, and more as a natural part of being human and part of the process of growing up. Primarily remind yourself that you don't need to actually rid any of the conditioning before you start to feel better. Before releasing the conditioning, focus on releasing your resistance to the conditioning/masks themselves in a gentle, easy and light way. It is what we humans do. The masks were here to help you as a way for you to move through the world and deal with unsure energies as you grew up. It's good to recognize this because then you can move consciously in the direction of your choice through natural attraction to well-being as opposed to the path of aversion. 

 

Edited April 18, 2017 by Arman

[pluto]

LSD takes the mask off for a little while

[Max_V]

@Arman Thanks you are giving some great tips here, I will try and analize every social situation when I'm alone. See what triggered my uncomfortableness and then grow from it. Also I will try and drop the resistance to this mask, I can really see how this is a big one as I have been meditating with the technique to drop all resistance to the present moment and just be content and ok with whatever is here, not needing anything. @Ludwig Has a video explaining this technique, It has been really helpful to me since I have noticed  a lot of resistance to uncomfortable events/feelings in me.

[Max_V]

@egoeimai SoI need to try take responsability for every resistance/ pain I create in myself? For some reason I really have a difficult time accepting peoples opinion about me. Is there any practise to transcend this problem? I am already trying to work on my self esteem issues with Nathaniel Branden's book. That's been a great help to me.

[LiakosN]

@Max_V Read th1is article! 

Edited April 18, 2017 by LiakosN

[Max_V]

@LiakosN Seems like a real intersting article, thanks for mentioning. I will study it

[Salaam]

@Max_V

It's simple really, get more in touch with your personal preferences, your personal chemistry. Spend time exercising and getting more in touch with those preferences outside of other people, so you can then bring them into those interactions.

Individuate yourself. So you can share that in an authentic way with people when you socialize.

You have spent a lengthy amount of time trying to blend in and mirror the actions of others. Now is the time to stand out and be different, be you and to let people respond and react to who you truly are. What do you personally like? What will you personally stand for? What do you personally believe in and value?

I've spent a lot of time developing my own values and preferences and views. I believe in them, I've invested in them and investigated them, exploring them thoroughly. What these actions practiced over and over again have done for me is given me a strong sense of self-authority, self-direction, social resiliency, and authenticity. Which, I can then share with others and exercise to lead conversations in new and different directions, just like the other leaders within themselves I socialize with. It makes for much richer conversations with diversity and deep sharing that only come when a person can do more than just reflect back the output of others.
 

[Max_V]

@salaam

For some reason, even the thought of expressing what I really think or stand out makes me scared shitless. When I was reading your comment already the thought came up "You should not do this, this is dangerous, you will feel uncomfortable".

 

[LiakosN]

@Max_V its from the tape how to live joyously by barry long. You can find it on youtube as well

[Salaam]

50 minutes ago, Max_V said:

@salaam

For some reason, even the thought of expressing what I really think or stand out makes me scared shitless. When I was reading your comment already the thought came up "You should not do this, this is dangerous, you will feel uncomfortable".

 

Great! That's the tension and resistance telling you what you need to focus on and handle if you want to expand from your current position.

I looooooovvvveee, finding those kinds of resistance signals in my body. Please don't run away from that discomfort, don't be a comfort junkie that stays in your cave of safe and doesn't grow. Shed that skin of your comfort zone and grow into more of who you are!

If you do, your spirit will grow and your satisfaction and meaning will also increase!

People can meditate all they want, but this choice before you is the true measure of growth. Do you avoid it or do you embrace it? This is an amazing opportunity for your spirit!

Edited April 18, 2017 by Salaam

[HelloThere]

How To Stop Caring What People Think Of You

How To Love Yourself - How To Like Who You Are Right Now

[Max_V]

@HelloThere Thanks! I was already thinking about watching 'How to stop caring what people think of you' The other will be a great help too