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Fck it I got nothing left lol.. I remember seeing writing in a washroom on the highway "Life's not worth living until you find something worth dying for" Les do, If we fail we have no safety net. This is very dangerous , fuck it I don't care anymore Nvm, I want life purpose for sole purpose of crushing others in body spirit and soul, in a heartless sense. Connection to oneness is when one gives the need for desire, wanting power means you feel powerless, love when you feel unloved. Charlie is right, enlightenment, a feeling of everlasting love. Should put the suicide thoughts away and simply be so free oh soo beautifully free. Peaceee infinite waters diving deep once again haha Infinite oneness, something nobody in life experiences, ego is so overwhelmingly greedy, hungry and bloodthirsty a terrible beast wanting to kill. Enlightenment, freedom

7578 sample of questions my mind randomly spits out Why would I motivate myself with the idea of presenting all I got done each day in a journal? That is inauthentic motivation. Do I have to rate information now and sort out whatever is not in alignment with my values? Is life really that short? Is time that limited? What will I regret on my deathbed? Which way to choose, since taking a bit of everything is about to make me fail again? Is my ego taking over (again)? Were all the feelgood states of mind I had during the end of my stay in the Netherlands just a by product of passive smoking in my student dorm? Or was I just too undercarbed? Or was it my brain changing through the new environment? Or just my euphoria after the dip, my recovery with actualized.org binge watch? Will I ever feel this way again? How much does ground cost? Where exactly am I going to live when my studies will be finally over? Not believe in anything that is not true? How can we even know? Does my ego only like knowledge because it wants to be labeled smart? Does my ego only like art because I had positive experiences with it from early on? Suffer just a bit by meditation to then shine around even though my life is still a mess? What is my tricky mind doing again? How do the others perceive me? How am I really acting? When was the last time I looked at my actualized notes? Or the last time I watched more than just the weekly episode? Why am I so unconcious again? uh-oh... Just like the metereologists do observations and predict the weather I could take a closer look at my life and do some predictions... But what I might find might mean that I need to change a bunch of things again. A bunch. Of things... I just want to be ok. This sentence sounds rather harmless. But it is actually terrible I just found. It is a mindset I fall into again and again. Not only does it usually not help much since it indicates nothing but the fact one is not in a good state but it is rather a complaint about reality on the one hand and the ego´s victim mentality saying: Oh look at poor me that has had it so hard all this time but I am so humble-all I want is to be ok (I am as well angry at life and very jealous of the ones around me that "are ok") on the other... So I guess I better say: Don´t feel guilt for wanting more than just being ok. Don´t find excuses for not working upon it. Don´t loose gratitude only because you want to feel better. Don´t say you don´t deserve or it is not possible to be more than ok-don´t limit yourself. Don´t just want to be ok. I admit-there is a problem. I accept reality. But I don´t just want to be ok. There is no motivation in "I just want to be ok". I just want to be ok came out of surviving and not growing. It is unstrategized, unconscious and non purposefull. This phrase is self actualization suicide actually... Yes, I wrote this entry without knowing what I would write about... Just pulled this out of my ass. How did you know?- You are very smart. Last Monday I accidentaly left my things in the males changing rooms at the sports center. But it was really early so nobody was there and nobody noticed... Except for me who came back to the female ones wondering who ubducted my shoes and why my keys were saying 633 when all there was is 700-1200 or something like that. Just hilarious-made my day. (^ ^)

@ArabiaNytes Hi, "ArabiaNytes"? One of the beautiful aspects of reaching 2nd tier cognition is the newly found ability to see who's real and who perhaps is going to be a possible drain our already limited and precious individual and collective resources. This important piece of wisdom goes hand in hand with an ability to discern and then embrace (or disregard) some ideas in favour of more fruitful, self-sustaining and wholistically nourishing attitudes and relationships. Skepticism is indeed a much needed skill to navigate the dream state of 1st tier deficiency modes of experience. However, while at the stage Maslow coined as "The Momentous Leap", according to the research one no longer need employ an attitude of skepticism, but instead lean toward a tendency of increasing "Witnessing presence". This witnessing is a much more advanced mode of processing reality, and therefore is a lot more accurate than mere "throwing bait" and waiting for a bite. A good rule of thumb that has served me well during my years of self-development is to pick as accurate a framework (or "Map") as possible, lest I become led on a wild-goosechase with some random and empirically questionable New Age pre-rational mindset, and inadvertently make my life more of a mess that it previously was! I'm extremely glad however that this very common catastrophe has not been the case for me So, as this map seems to be working for me, (and many other thousands of Intergal people) along with the help of a large community of mature self-actualizers and developmental psychologists (professional post masters degree psychologists, in fact) I have absolutely no problem recommending it to other aspiring self-actualizers who are serious about their own self development - and I mean serious in the capacity that their lives depend on it! Those of us who don't feel our lives depend on it are welcome to chose from a varied catalogue of other self-development maps that currently accessible to us in this day and age. Fortunately for those of us who DO follow this map and reach high levels of awareness, it becomes apparent to us that we can never define "people" by any random colour - but merely point out that certain cognitive patterns belong to certain levels of cognitive development. If you are unfamiliar with this phenomena I'd like to direct you to Alfred Korsybski's work "The Map Is Not The Territory" here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Map%E2%80%93territory_relation This will explain things in better terms than I have time to to at this point. Despite the obviousness at 2nd tier that the map is indeed not the actual territory,I hope you would agree that it is wise and sensible for relative convenience-sake to categorize, say for example, the great Manchester United F.C. as a soccer club of "Premier Division" quality. Mostly because of the obvious work, investment and skillset the club has developed over the years. If we can certainly define a premier league soccer club, we can certainly define a person's level of ego development. There is one developmental stage we currently know of however who flinches at the mere whiff of drawing any such hierarchical value judgements. This is the "green" or pluralistic stage of cognitive development. Unfortunately for us at this time this is the current centre of gravity in the academia world. While we continue to indoctrinate and churn out "en masse" this particular flavour of deficiency mindset based on the works of philosophers who collectively (but not surprisingly) had a high rate of suicide, while it is an indeed crucial aspect of the evolution of consciousness, it is thankfully not the complete picture. I hope that more and more of us are turned on by the cutting edge model of Spiral Dynamics and other such "colour coded" models of development, and wholly embrace their already tried and tested capacity to individually and eventually collectively pull us all out of the deficiency mindset and catapult us into a new transformative and radically inclusive way of being. I hope that you too will be able to join us also! Warmly Mal

Check out these two: Woods of Ypres - Death Is Not An Exit The bleak life and modern times Of grey skies and electric light Life... life... So life is precious, after all Respect the body, for it is all you really are Life... life... So life is precious after all Protect the body, for it is all that keeps you on We are confined, to the nature of reality Where the failure of our system, will be the end of our dream Between the fields of darkness, before and after we exist Earth is a spiritual place, but there is nothing after this. We were nothing... for a billion years before our time And we will be... nothing more again, for an eternity yet to come Whoa! Death is not an exit (death is the flick of the switch) Whoa! Death is not an exit (death is a flick of off the switch) The bleak life and modern times...Of grey skies and electric light In the bleak life and modern times...Of grey skies and electric light Woods of Ypres - Career Suicide We were born to live, in a desperate time Where it seems the death of dreams, is the end of life But we have only one life to live, just one opportunity And failure is not the end of the world, that's just society! Career suicide is not real suicide, Career suicide is alright Career suicide is not real suicide, Career suicide is fine We are all expendable, and we can be replaced. They have supplies of infinite lives, and no time to waste. But we have only one life to live, one time to exist And though there is no afterlife (after all), there is still more to life than this! Career suicide is not real suicide, Career suicide is alright Career suicide is not real suicide, Career suicide is fine Career suicide is not real suicide its not real suicide at all... Career suicide is not real suicide, its not the end of the world... Death is the failure of our parts, Failure is just the death of dreams There's more to life than suc-cess but only death is real... ONLY DEATH IS REAL! Death is the failure of our parts, Failure is just the death of dreams There's more to life than suc-cess but only death is real... Career suicide is not real suicide, Career suicide is alright Career suicide is not real suicide, Career suicide is fine Career suicide is not real suicide its not real suicide at all... Career suicide is not real suicide, its not the end of the world...its not the end of the world.

Of you course you are right I might have been too unspecific, I want to give a better definition of what i imagine to be the NEW version of a Universal Genius, a "Wholistic Human" Lets propose one Person is investing 50h per week into "A" ("A" is his main thing/interesst can be a business or science research or the likes ...) Now he could invest 30h more per week into "A" and make it 80h work in that area, become an expert, do that for 5+ years and expect to be "on top" of this field "A" (maybe getting several promotions / beeing head of department etc...) but i say what will happen is... (and i KNOW very successful people who exactly experienced this)...he will be burnt out/ joyless / depressive not only if he failed to reach all of his (neurotic?) goals but EVEN IF!! he reaches his goals, because the goals are 99% just sublimations for something else that person realy wants! he is neuroticly onesided! (in lack of a better word) The Alternative would be, to instead invest the 30+ extra hours into totaly unrelated areas, that seem to not benefit his "career" on the first look form our western goal-oriented point of view and short-term thinking what success is: -learning an instrument!! (Crazy! what? ..no! better communication between left& right brain hemisphere) -meditation!! (again better l&r communication, also more creativity, more "grounded" personality) -going for walks (reducing stress hormones, beeing alone) -investing in doing maybe 2 kinds of different sports, boxing and yoga or gym and swimming (awakening the body-intelligence) -having a fullfilling love-life & gratuitously help people ("total waste of time right"?? no! beeing emotionaly secure/connect ) In 5 years the same person, would instead of hoping for a promotion, have an amazingly expanded horizon and easily just start his own business/ create real value/ beeing confident of making his "own game" instead of trying to 80h/per week "suicide-working" himself to the top of a sick industry that means nothing to him really... So what i mean by "universal genius" is NOT learning about everything the mind can learn, but seeing that the mind is only ONE part of a human, and now learn about everything that is HUMAN! Investing in equal parts into intellectual work (which i still hold realy important im not saying to become a neanderthal ) , in emotional understanding, in creative expression, in love and comapssion, and in body & health ... a Person who can do THAT! is my defintion of the NEW TRUE UNIVERSAL GENIUS in the HUMAN sense! Because that´s what we are after all! PEACE! I know this might sound crazy but i think it is quite beatiful

I cant take this anymore, lately i,ve been having thoughts on suicide, i even cut myself, im so pathetic but pain is just too much for me to cope, i just want to live freely, efortlessly, all these chains, constraints, mental prison. I even dont know if it is fault of my genetics, or my past experiences, i dont know if im clinically depressed or not. I just cant accept myself, i want to but i just cant. i have too much limiting beliefs, insecurities, and my friends and everyday situations affirm it more and more. i feel like no one loves me, no one understands and accepts me, i feel like they are looking at me like pathetic human being, coward, worthless, and i feel like they always judge me. I can't just tell myself to change my attitude, to change my thoughts, i cant do that! jeez i wish someone could help me, all these people who dislike me, hold me in disregard, disrespect me, are looking down at me, i wish they could see the world from my eyes for a day maybe. Im already so fucked up with my self-esteem and all that shit and plus everyday they are adding up and up. I just really want to know how the fuck am i being perceived, how do i seem from distance, that i cause so much hatred and laughter. I just wanted to write here and release all this crap that i have bottled up inside, i cant even speak to anyone openly about this. now i sometimes consider what leo says in his videos, staying the fuck at my home, alone, doing nothing, not socializing, cutting ties, but then what? when im left alone, firstly my friends just wont get it. secondly, i will always feel like i ran away, that i couldnt achieve shit, that i coulndt make real friends and bonds, i couldnt gain respect and love from my friends and peers, i never had a girlfriend or fucked a girl beside a prostitute, i have never fought and got my ass kicked or i have never kicked someones ass, always running away and afraid of conflicts and confrontations, not standing up for myself. so thats why i just ran away, but how can i live on after that, how can i forget my past, how can i forget such a failure and worthless piece of shit i am. real coward! I should be living according to my own balls! but i guess i dont have them. thanks for your attention.

this is only another concept, but it might shed some insight into the nature of reincarnation. I think we as humans really underestimate our power. With the help of religion we are taught that we are simple beings under the control of a higher power which we have no chance of replicating. This entire existence is because of the contrast of nothing and something. The nothingness that makes up consciousness creates everything that we know. We are a creator. There was a study done in which people were told to think about a certain phenomenon (aliens, angels, god) before entering sleep paralysis. Of course the people that believed in UFOs and alien encounters were abducted and probed in a hyperrealistic experience. The people who strongly believed in God had a spiritual experience involving angels and heaven, or an image of Jesus. They all felt this was real, and that it really took place in real space. This is why there are so many different truths that are fought over, because something is real to everyone but not everyone can believe that everything is real. People become addicted to this world and their ego so much that if they leave too soon that attachment/manifestation has so much momentum that it doesn't end with the physical body. This is why suicide doesn't help people, the pain theyre experiencing doesn't end with the body. I think one of the benefits of enlightement allows you to break free of the physical and to experience it finally without attachment, which allows you to leave this existence when your body dies. In conclusion, we experience what we believe and create. These concepts might make sense and make me feel like I know these answers, but they are only that: concepts. I think reincarnation is just as real/not real as anything else you've created. All I know is it's fascinating to think about.

Is Suicide The Fastest Way To Enlightenment? This question demands that you know what enlightenment is. And do you really? I think Suicice would be the ultimate egoic act in many ways.

My Worst Fears 1. I’m afraid that I’ll never express my deepest potential and to realize how amazing my life could be. The scenario of my fear plays out like this! As a child, I was a highly creative and imaginative child who conveyed his imagination through acting, roleplaying, creative writing, and storytelling. I would tell everyone from my therapists, my friends, and even my camp counselors and my siblings my imagination and I loved immersing them entirely in my own imagination. I strongly identified with Buster from “Arthur,” Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes” Alice from “Alice in Wonderland” and Belle from “Beauty and the Beast.” Yet as I grew older, I stopped expressing my imagination and I abandoned it in the graveyard of broken dreams, dead memories, and untapped potential where unexpressed potential dies and rots away. As an adult, I completely abandoned my imagination and childhood to become “normal” and I would mindlessly go through the day feeling deeply unhappy but not knowing why. I would be unconsciously trapped in a midlife crisis where I forgot how it felt to be happy and all those dreams and aspirations from childhood were never realized and died. As I grew older, I became more regretful and I started to realize how miserable and unfulfilled I was all along because I didn’t express my potential and I never truly lived. I wallowed in the mire of regret and missed opportunity and sunk slowly in that swamp. I wasted my life! 2. I fear being trapped in a dysfunctional situation permanently like a bad financial situation where I’m constantly trapped in the cycle of poverty and debt where my opportunities are completely limited. The worst dysfunctional situation for me would be the situation Jesse Ridgway is in where he is trapped in a dysfunctional family with a tyrannical father who forces his power on Jesse, who mentally abuses him, and who destroys his possessions and who victim blames his son and denies his anger, tyranny and being a psychopath. I feel like in that situation, I would stoop to such a low level that the cycle will continue and only worsen. I feel like the situation would end in me committing suicide or feeling deeply bitter and hating humanity and completely losing my optimism and exuberance. I feel like Jesse will have a damaged self-esteem that is beyond fixing, a deeply pessimistic outlook on life, a bitterness and hatred towards his father, rejecting advice and help, and a deep anger that will destroy him from the inside out. I can identify with Jesse’s passion for gaming and I want to be his best friend to help him lift his spirits, regain trust, and realize his own potential. I feel like my worst fears are becoming deeply bitter, angry and neurotic and being trapped in a dysfunctional situation like a damaged family, poverty, depression, self-loathing and inner pain. 3. I’m afraid of losing my freedom and individuality and being made a slave by my parents, society, or a master or by an oppressive government. A fictional scenario would be that I was kidnapped and made a slave and my masters killed my individuality by ripping away my culture from me and by ordering me to obey with the threat of punishment. My humanity would be denied and I would so silenced and censored that my freedom would be seen as damaging. My masters would tighten their control and their power over me and would reject the concept of freedom as a dream or fantasy! Even worse, my masters would delude me with the idea of freedom to keep me in slavery! I would be so controlled by rules, masters, and toxic beliefs that I’m permanently stuck. 4. I’m afraid of being trapped in a bad family situation or relationship situation. The scenario would look like this. For a bad family situation, I would have a cruel and sociopathic child who never expressed any love or gratitude for me, would scream at me all the time and order me around, would threaten and attack me, and who would say “I hate you and I want you to die.” The child would create so much emotional pain for my life that everything goes to Hell. I would end the day feeling drained and just wanting to burst into tears and to explode in rage and vent. For a bad relationship situation, I would meet a woman who had charmed me with her charisma but I discovered how toxic of an influence she was on me and how she tightened so much control on me. The woman would dominate and abuse me and shatter my individuality and force me to “love” her without truly understanding genuine love. I would become my wife’s slave and she would completely shatter my will and will resist my freedom. Someone like Amie Carter was in both situations of having a cruel and psychopathic child who abused and manipulated her and she was in a toxic relationship with her ex-husband who cut her and his child out of her life, spread lies about her, and blamed her for being a “bad mother.” My Four Worst Fears Simplified 1. Never expressing my creativity and rotting away my potential until it’s too late. 2. Being trapped permanently in a dysfunctional situation like a broken family or poverty 3. Losing my individuality and freedom 4. Having a bad family or relationship situation where I feel powerless. What all these fears are themed around is never expressing my own creativity or discovering my potential, feeling completely helpless when faced with a toxic situation, having no freedom to express myself authentically and not to fight back, and to be a prisoner who is completely robbed of my freedom. I’m also terrified of becoming a bitter and toxic pessimist who is angry, bitter, nihilistic and who feels like there’s no point in living. These fears also have the themes of self-expression, identity, and dysfunctional situations.

Suicide Is The Most Foolish Thing Q: Dear Gurudev, I have had thoughts of suicide many times in my life. What happens if one commits suicide? Suicide Is the most foolish thing a person can ever do. It is like, someone is shivering in the cold and he goes out and removes all his clothes. What will you call him? Foolish! You are already feeling cold in a heated auditorium, and you go out into the open and say, ’I am so cold’, and remove your jacket, your t-shirt, your inner garments and throw them all out. Will the cold become any less? No! People who commit suicide find themselves there because they are so attached to life. They are so attached to some pleasure, so attached to some joy, that they want to kill themselves. And when they kill themselves they find themselves in a bigger soup. They feel, ‘Oh my God, this restlessness, these desires which had created such intense agony inside me has not gone. My body has gone but the agony has remained. It is only through the body that you can dispel the agony and get rid of misery. Instead you destroy the very instrument by which you can get rid of agony. That is why this knowledge is so important. If you do pranayama, Sudarshan Kriya and meditation, you will realize that you are not the body. Dedicate Your Life For Some Higher Cause What is it that you are hankering for in life? Are you hankering for love? Attention? Money? Pleasure? What is it that you are hankering? These hankerings are boiling desires and they are creating this foolish idea inside you to commit suicide. If you feel you want to commit suicide, I tell you, I need you. I need you to do my work, so you better stay back. Dedicate your life for a social cause; for some higher cause. When you think only about yourself, ‘What about me, what about me’, then this is what happens. Depression comes in. Forget about yourself. Die for a cause but don't kill yourself. It is worth dedicating your life for something higher. I need you. Come here (to the Ashram) and do work. There is so much work to be done, help me out. Know that you are useful to me. If everyone else says you are useless, remember, 'No, I am here, born at this time because Gurudev needs me. I have some work to do for Gurudev. I am not going to commit suicide', got it?! So, do my work. If you cannot do yoga and meditation, then sweat it out and do my work. I have lots of work I can give you. I can give some work to the entire nation, and the entire population. I have plenty of work to be done. And whatever you need, I will provide you. You need a roof above you, I will provide you, I guarantee you this, but don’t kill yourself. The Human Body Is So Precious After so many different lives and different bodies you get a human body; a human birth. After being a worm, a frog, a scorpion, a chicken, a mouse somewhere in some hole, a cat jumping around here and there, a dog, a bird, etc., then you get a human life, after going through all those births. So it is very precious! Your Hankering For Pleasure Is The Cause Of Depression In You Wake up and see, all pleasures are momentary; how long will they stay? See that they are so momentary. Five to ten minutes of joy and then it is gone. What is it that you are hankering about? Some people appreciating you? My dear, it has no meaning. People appreciate you in front of you, behind you they feel jealous about you. That is what happens. They praise you today, tomorrow they criticize you. So what? Do you see what I am saying? What is appreciation? It is just a few thoughts that are passing through the mind of someone.Do you think they are going to do it forever? Some people have good comments and some people have bad comments, so what. If someone criticizes you, so what? Those who criticize you are also going to die, and you, the one being criticized are also going to die. One day all will be finished! So why are you so much bothered about somebody’s appreciation, or criticism? Why can’t you just be yourself? You know, it takes such a big load off your head not being bothered by anybody’s criticism or adulations. You can just be yourself; natural. And if you live like this, so lightly, then where is the question of depression? Do you see what I am saying? If You Get Thoughts Of Committing Suicide 1. Know that it is just your prana which is low, so do more pranayama 2. There are millions of people who are suffering more than you, look at them. When your suffering becomes smaller you will never think of committing suicide. 3. Know that you are needed, you are useful. You have to do something in the world. 4. Forget about what people think of you. People commit suicide because they think they have lost their prestige, their status. What status? What prestige? Who has time to think about your prestige? Everybody is entangled with their own problems, with their own mind. They can’t step out of their own mind, where do they have the time to think about you? These types of tendencies come because you think others are going to disrespect you. I tell you, it is worthless to worry about what the society thinks of you. Mainly, we must realize that suicide is the worst thing. This is one of the major reasons that we should conduct as many Happiness Programs as possible. Do you see what I’m saying? When you start the breathing exercises, it all goes away!

It depends on the mind and why you are killing yourself. For instance Jains kill themselves by starving themselves to death (Sallekhana), but they do it, usually, at the end of life. "When death is imminent, the vow of sallekhanā is observed by progressively slenderizing the body and the passions. Since the person observing sallekhanā is devoid of all passions like attachment, it is not suicide." In most of cases killing yourself will not bring you to enlightenment. Because the reason you are doing it is most likely tinged with hatred(of self), greed and delusion. If you have attachment to not being, or being, etc... that will obscure enlightenment. Now, have there been beings that have gotten enlightened that way? Maybe(depending on their minds/reasons)... but it is really, really rare, and not something anyone should consider if trying to reach enlightenment.

Is this the laziest solution to enlightenment?

I must say that today has been a tempting day. I felt compelled to think about this one fan fiction work I had previously worked on, and I actually caved in. I still say that my anti-gaming and anti-anime week still stands, for it wasn't severe enough to be considered a backslide. I at least dealt with it, though it did waste almost an hour of my time, since I did end up planning and writing part of it. I can continue to see that my social awkwardness remains essentially unchanged, but that does not mean I will stop tyring. I'll continue to attempt to improve this issue while accepting myself and this problem. Ruminations Sometimes, I look back at this journal and ask myself why my current ideas are so mundane, so repetitive; I remember that I had more varied ideas, but it seems that only a few ideas now enter my mind; however, this may have always happened, and I may have only noticed now. It is interesting to look back at a word which I used to use frequently but have not used for a while. One of these terms is time dilation; a year ago, that term would come up so often, yet I now just remembered that word. At times, it feels like I forgot that word, though if the right situation arose, I would remember it. In a similar respect, the ideas which seem mundane and repetitive at the moment may not seem so in the future, perhaps in the next week. Since I began this journal, I realize how many different ideas I have had and how some now seem foreign to me. Maybe this realization itself may seem unusual in the future. It is always interesting to see what I have written in the past; although I can agree that in terms of my behaviors, I have not changed much, I can at least see how much my attitude on certain ideas and concepts has changed. Yesterday, in my actualized.org journal, I began discussing my opinion on the Fundamental Question. Certainly, the question is important, but looking back at my thoughts yesterday, it seems that the question more serves my ego. It is a question which caused me to simulate conversations with other people. This happens normally, but knowing that this issue increased the frequency of these thoughts, I know that there was another reason why the question appealed to me so much. The appeal of the question likely stems from its universality and the fact that it feels like a good, sophisticated question to ask others. In other words, it likely appealed to me for selfish reasons, as conversation bait with other people. I myself know that I usually do not say the things which come up during my conversation projections, so perhaps this question itself is somewhat toxic. Of course, the question itself is an important one. The problem lies in ensuring that my ego does not use this issue to dwell upon conversations with others or too be so caught up with what I would say to others that I fail to actually live. Knowing this, discussing the issue at least moderately should be fruitful. What question supersedes all else in importance? “Is life worth living, and if it is, how should one live?” The first part of this question is inspired by Albert Camus’ emphasis on the need to deliberate on suicide. Most individuals would agree that life is worth living. Certainly, that is the starting point. One cannot question the proper way to live without first considering whether or not simply dying would be better. The best answer I could see for being pro-life, using this term unconventionally, is that by continuing to live, one can continue to question life and aim at truth. A rational person is one who, given a sufficient reason, would change his or her position on any issue; certainly, one who chooses to die cannot even continue to consider whether his or her positions were correct. Any realization which seems to suggest that life is not worth living could be wrong, and by ending life immediately, these reasons could not be realized. If one decides that life truly is worth living, the second half of the question is much more difficult to resolve. This half is itself twofold: 1.What constitutes the happy life? 2.How should one act in order to be virtuous or at least to master the art of living (for those who see no need for virtue)? Clearly, this question does not have an easy answer( unless one believes that religion suffices, but even then, religion usually does not have a specific answer for living a happy life, although it does outline virtue and the like). I have almost finished Seneca’s 75 letters from his work, Letters from a Stoic. Never have I seen such profound writing concerning the art of living and practical philosophy. Rarely do his letters cover trifling matters, and even his seemingly trifling matters, in which he deliberates upon the meaning of certain words and upon the causes of the universe, are fairly important. It is interesting how often individuals believe that society has worsened or that individuals have become more foolish. From my readings of Seneca, it is evident that little about humanity has changed during the last two millennia. It is typical of people to believe that the herd or the multitude has become more stupid, more prone to error, and less cultures. These individuals believe that recent advancements have led to the loss of important values. However, such a belief has occurred throughout history, in the works of Seneca, and even in that of Aristotle. The multitude, the masses, have for the last two thousand years, continued to be foolish. Individuals under such passion in large groups are certainly prone to more error than individually. It seems that the masses have become less intelligent, yet time and time again, thinkers of the past have also noticed how foolish individuals truly are. Certainly, nearly every individual is foolish; only the enlightened few are truly capable of living without these irrational faults. One cannot expect human reason to be infallible when so many cognitive biases and logical fallacies exist. This realization ties somewhat to politics, for it is how great speakers are able to fool the multitude or a large group of people. If one thing has changed throughout the years, it is that although the multitude has stayed as foolish as it has always been, they are easier to manipulate as a result of advances in knowledge. We know more about ourselves, yet the majority of people are unfortunately unaware of their own psychological biases and fallacies. End of Ruminations That should be enough for now.

when tolle was contemplating suicide his consciousness had a realization, it wasnt enlightenment at that moment, but a realization of something relating to something that was happening right then. at that point he had no idea what enlightenment meant or understood it, but the realization that was occurring began to expand in tolle's consciousness, all that had previously been rooted within his consciousness wasnt resisting this realization and it allowed for this realization to expand within consciousness, that brought change.

@charlie2dogs Ok but, Eckhart Tolle for example had a sudden realisation (according to him) when he was about to commit suicide, he was not aware of what this was on intellectual level and actually researched a while afterwards. For him it was a switch in thinking but he was not aware of what exactly had happened, but didn't care as he was just being. So it literally did happen by accident for him as he wasn't specifically aiming to be enlightened as he didn't even know what that meant

Addiction: 2 days of Pmo Date: 4/20/16 Time: 8:18 PM - 8:54 PM Day #: Day 1 Feelings Felt Psychologically: Distress Feelings Felt Physiologically: Not many feelings Questions You Asked Yourself: Why am I doing this, how will this benefit me, why did I start watching porn and am forcefully yet consciously trying to destruct myself? How Do You Feel After Your Session?: I broke down crying, the porn was just a form of self sabotage, I was trying to destruct myself so I could feel intense feelings of bliss and alleviate suffering, so I needed to be enlightened, to be one with the void. Suicide was the answer, now I know what I was chasing, an escape from a very,very deep neurosis ; Clarity

@Lee You're implying it would make more sense if the universe was less convenient than it is right now? I think you just arbitrarly decided that. So let's place this arbitrary standard in the other direction and see what happens. Why isn't the universe MORE convenient ? Why did it take several billion years for our universe to stop being a lifeless, boring and chaotic mess containing not even a glimpse of organic structure to sustain any kind of sensory capacity or consciousness? Then, how the hell could organic life decide to develop itself through a global never ending mass murder frenzy we call the food chain? And why did our developing society need its armies to murder and rape, its leaders to plot and manipulate and its religions to lie and enslave? And now that things are finally getting a little better, everybody thinks they're getting worse, because they're watching... ...a little too much. Now even less convenient: If we want to change the world, we first have to struggle through the immense labor of changing ourselves. To change ourselves, we have to know what to change. And our subconscious mind will do absolutely anything to prevent us to do so. It often prefers making us commit suicide than accepting our own flaws. And if we decide neither to change ourselves nor the world, then we're stuck walking around like sedated zombies without a purpose. To finally end up as rotting piece of meat, lost in the infinite nothingness of death. You see how arbitrary the convenience of the universe is? That's because convenience is a human concept, not a physical phenomenon. Anyway, sorry for not answering to your question at all, but you might agree it was worth it

This is not a question to help me resolve a problem. It's just a story . TL;DR summary: I had low self-esteem for many many years, hated myself, I was too beta to approach girls, but after some personal development lately and actually becoming able to pick up, I completely changed my perspective and now I think that my girlfriend or even wife would need to match me, would need to also grow and develop herself and walk with me the path towards ascension. Still never had a girlfriend + asexual virgin (never want to lose it, yet I am still able to give sexual pleasure to my future partner if she needs to, using hands and toys and doing sensual stuff, not passing the sensuality-sexuality border myself). Super-long story of my life I am focusing on negativity here. So I was born. I was born with emotional oversensitivity. First kindergarten: when my parents left me there, every day I was crying. Then came elementary school. It was this time. First grade was similar to kindergarten, except I wasn't crying when left by parents. It was the first time I made a friend (a classmate, but he was too immature for friendship tbh). He started school several days later, was very scared at first and I was the first person to just approach him and start talking. My group (class) liked me at first, but we had this war (meh, children) with another group (class) and I probably was the most hated by them. I wanted to be cool, to fit in more. In the second grade began something awful. Lowered self-esteem became reality. The first time I was talking about suicide (8 years old!). When something was wrong, it didn't just result in crying: instead I was hitting my forehead. I wanted to destroy my skull and die. It happened multiple times. It often started when I wanted to be cool. Third grade was similar to the second. Also I am gaining weight. Fourth grade. Now things change a little because now we have separate subjects (instead of integrated classes). Still problems are existing, even worse. We have physical education with that other class. There was my largest enemy there. My psyche worsens. They laugh at me that I'm fat. After some time, things are starting to brighten, I have better contact with my class. But bullies from elder classes show up. Even younger guys harass me. Fifth grade, things starting to loosen. The war is over. We have grown. Still that one dude is my enemy. But well, I made some contact with the other third class. This is the time when boys and girls think about these mysterious relationships and all these butterflies in stomach and kissing. I'm of course a human-ruin so that's not what I do think about. Well, now whenever a girl asks me something and giggles, I am becoming angry and think that they want to make fun of me. Sixth grade. Begins similar to the fifth. But here that one girl gets my number and we start texting (or maybe it was in fifth?). And during vacation she writes if I love her, I say "yes" (even though I wasn't sure). She replied that she just wanted friendship. But during school I had some cool friends (even girls) who just liked me. Secondary school. First impression: disaster. A fat, yet strong and self-confident guy in my class is bullying me through all years, yet sometimes we talk normally. But it was getting better gradually. Still I wanted to fit in and be cool. And in the first and second grade of secondary I cut myself when something bad happened but I wanted teachers to see this, it was kind of protest. I fell in crazy love with friend of my cousin. Of course she didn't know about it. I remained in that state for like 5 years (if not longer if it was already in elementary school). She even was in my home (with my cousin) several times and during these 5 years, I might have talked with her 30 full sentences. I was just so embarrassed to speak. Well, here things are more complicated. I was always imagining me with her being some perfect unity towards ascension. I haven't ever felt sexually. This is the point I started to realize there's something different. I was opposite of demisexual (so I had no sexual attraction towards loved ones). Just clean romantic relationship and growing together. I read a lot of PUA guides but never have balls to use them. I also text with other friend of my cousin, but this time I don't expect anything. High school, the time me and my two best friends think about business. Others are partying, we are writing down business plans. I am still crazy about that girl. The first grade of high school was kind of hard, because I called one girl a slut because of the way she dressed. This resulted in me sending photos how I want to hang myself and going to psychologist. Then in the second grade of high school I started being much more spiritual, but it was a secret. I only told it to my one girl friend (not girlfriend) whom I trusted completely. University. Away from home alone. My girl friend leaves me because of emotional problems (or I did something wrong maybe?). But I make new friends. And a new girl friend. I fell in love several times with her (unrequited). Third semester. She already dropped out but I have great contact with her. But subjects are hard. Christmas: my family attacks me how ungrateful I am. I rent a room but my landlady is crazy. Also a lot of spiders and I have arachnophobia. I am getting depressed. I count on my girl friend. She found her second boyfriend (over facebook LOL) and writes how awesome he is instead of anyhow helping me. I reached the lowest point in my life. I started taking drugs to function normally (not antidepressants but psychoactive OTC cough medicine). I cut myself like never before. It was about year and two months ago. I came back home. Then again I reached some top. I sent that friend love letters. She refused in stupid way. I just went furious and we quarrelled. But I felt better and better without her. When in September we reconciled. I started from the beginning on other university. Still that girl friend is my friend. My best friend actually. She is my teacher. There is metaphysics between us. I felt like I am finally well. However, about four months ago I was again complaining. The only thing I felt lacked was pure romantic love. My friend just told me to meditate. And another friend told me to find internal love towards myself. Everything changed. I describe everything since then on my blog https://inneraurora.wordpress.com/?order=ASC. I became self-confident, tried picking up girls with amazing result surprisingly quickly. On the second semester a girl I knew from high school joined. I always thought she's kind of cute, but was never confident enough to talk to her. Until now. I asked her out. Turned out she's thousand times more shy than I was then. But her life was too simple and individualistic for me. Even though the looks and personality were cool. And here goes the point: now I don't think about having any girl. My girlfriend must match me completely. She must think about personal development, spirituality and ascension. To this day I have never had a girlfriend. I am still virgin (even though I'm asexual). I still want romantic relationship. However, it's worth waiting for the perfect one. For the one I can become unity with, for the one I can ascend with. Even if she turns out to be sexual who needs it, I am able to fulfil her desire without losing virginity. Yet, I'm constantly breaking the rule because I want to romantically attract (using Law of Attraction) the hottest girl on my year. I have quite good contact with her. She turned out not to be anyhow related to metaphysics, yet I still dig inside her mind and soul . And I don't believe in such thing as friendzone. Also @Leo Gura, it really irritates me when I read (http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-get-a-girlfriend) Seriously?

@Flower I want to be more transparent. I've met (slept with) more than a few women who thought they needed a new partner every day. This makes me feel disgusting to admit, but I'm completely numb to the feelings of girls. I never had guilt about it until a girl told me she loved me and that I broke her heart. She attempted suicide by drinking bleach, but I was unaware that sex to her was a big deal. (or that our hookups were somehow mistaken for commitment). Amber is a good girl, but we have nothing in common. I myself have had suicidal tendencies, so I told her that I couldn't love her back. Intellect is something I desire above all else, but I exert a lot of energy in repressing my sexual desires these days. If I acted on them every time it would most likely end up costing my life.

I'm simply trying to be a better myself spiritually as well as physically. Hello I'm Armand which is why I have this long running joke of a name "Mandy". My friends really have stuck to it over the years. Wanting to reach a point where I can be happy with the person I decide to be, and then maybe try and build up from there. I honestly am a pessimist trying to convert my thoughts to a more positive place. I've attempted suicide before because I thought that my very soul was meant for this one person I was with. Only to find out she wasn't really what I think I needed at the time. I regret that sometimes I would pretend she were gone for good because she hindered me from making a lot of new friends. She always made my life harder on me by causing unnecessary drama as well as always thinking that I would want to cheat on her. She is a beautiful woman, but not worth chasing after. My parents are very strict Christians who preached some pretty warped opinions on sin. My father physically abused me until I was old enough to defend myself. It's not really something my pride wanted to admit on here, but anyway. A lot of my behaviors have become bad ones. Such as smoking and drinking then hooking up with people just because I'm bored with needs. I was with a girl not that long ago that was really sweet, and she might of been really good for me. Then I managed to mess it up by not being exclusive (which I had no idea she even wanted). I guess I'm a simple guy working a job that pays well, but it's not my dream to crunch numbers all day for the rest of my life. Needing this forum to help me stay on the right path instead of making things harder on myself which can lead to falling farther behind in life.

Look. When I was your age I thought about commiting suicide. Though I felt emotions. Was stressed, didn't like the people around me and stuff. My girlfriend in the age of 16 tried to commit suicide. Well she didn't take it seriously. She just cut her arms crosswise with a butter knife. Of course I thought back then that my life doesn't really matter anymore. That dying isn't such a stupid option. What I didn't know was what kind of possibilities I have in my life. I can't judge life when I never really discovered what can be done. And of course it can be difficult to try new paths in life. But this is what life actually is. It is about leaving the comfort zone and make something great. Drinking alcohol was kind of a motivation for me to exist in the age of 16. Hanging out with people and get wasted. That was cool. And just knowing that my parents don't like that. Felt like a rebel. But there where moments in my life that actually brought tears in my eyes. Moments worth living for. Falling in love, sky diving, trips to foreign countries, not superficial dialogues with people,. Just going out and doing something. It is all much better than just spending my time in this forum. Just be patient. Maybe it is all going to change. Still I feel like you don't open up too much. If you really take this conversation seriously then take a piece of paper and write down what you do throughout one day. Write down what is happening every hour or so.

@oschi No,I did not took any drugs.Also I'm not smoking or consuming alcohol.Yeah,the 7th and 8th grade were tough times for me.Just to make an summary:My mother and father got sick in those 2 years,especially my father..he was about to die.Also in the 8th grade I had to pass 2 exams in order to reach 9th grade,it was very stressful for me.And there were other things that frustrated me...I remember that when I found out that my father got in hospital I didn't felt anything at all.Not worry,not fear,nothing.I don't know exactly when I became numb. Even though I can't feel,I act(naturally) like I feel them.For example,yesterday I was meditating and father entered my room and searched for something.I automatically said to myself, "I hate when this happens".And I can give more examples,you get the point. Good news for me...yesterday I felt an emotion.My father told me that my aunt has cancer.I can't describe or recreate the feeling I've got,but I know I've had it.It lasted for a second.So,I guess that meditation and affirmations will work..I hope.I also discovered an exercise designed to help people with anhedonia.I hope that I will see some progress..To be honest sometimes I think about commiting suicide if I can't get my emotions back.I mean,would there be a point living if I can't enjoy anything? What is worse about this "feeling" is that you don't even realize that you have it.You know when I found out that something was wrong with me?When I discovered Leo's channel.He was talking about so much stuff that normally would have inspired/motivate me.But I was like blank.I just didn't cared.I thought at the moment that I was just lazy or stupid.But for some reason I continued watching his videos...Soon I realized that I can't feel attraction/compassion or any other positive/negative emotion for any person that I know.Then I realized that I can't find joy in anything.Normally,coding,reading,running,playing games(and the list goes on and on) would have relaxed me(at least).I mean,if I can't find joy in these activities,where I can find it?? Sorry If I write to much..

There's what's called a lower death drive and an upper death drive. The lower death drive is when the ego hates itself so much it wants to put itself out of its suffering through suicide. (Not so good) The upper death drive is when the ego is wise enough to realize that it's an illusion, and wants to end it's suffering through surrender to truth. (Very good).

Till this morning, I'd watched Leo's enlightenment related vids. After coming back, I watched some Mooji's vids. I was looking for some answers in his vids. He said 'a way to deal with sufferings is silence.' 1st I thought, "That's what I'd done for a while, then I just get depressed more and more, so started seeing a counselor, then, but, still I couldn't quite getting out from my sufferings, then found actualized.org, then started forum-journaling, and still I feel stuck. Am I going back to the first stage again!?!?" But then, I thought, since my last silence phase, I had a journey. I stumbled and struggled. I'm still in the mid of it. And I'll be in silence, as Mooji said. I don't know how long of this 'silence' will last tho. My monkey-chatter is insane. I don't know the purpose of writing this here, to be 'silent.' <-- This is already a monkey-chatter. I need to observe this monkey chatter from . . what did Leo say? I forgot the word. Kinda like the 3rd eye? or pineal grand? . . . That's what I need to train. BTW, I couldn't observe my dull headache . . I couldn't separate the pain from . . 3rd eye or pineal grand . . today. I think Leo mentioned something like, "when you get older, physical pain here and there. You can separate pain from you." or something. REALLY!?!? I think, it depends of the intensity of the pain, type of the pain, and location of the pain like how close the painful site is to the nerve and/or nerve endings. Especially headache . . is the darn close to the pain center in brain. Observing the headache was impossible for me today. Or, is it a kind of distraction method? <-- This is very common. And re: "People aren't afraid of death is a lie." <-- I guess, majority of the people are afraid of death. There are some minority people who are Not afraid of dying. My environment was . . My next neighbor suicided 15+ years ago. She was a teenager. I used to say 'hi' a couple times a week. We never talked. I regretted. I was too shy to go talk to her. My 'kinda-relative' attempted suicide. She was a narcissist and used to bother me so no comment. My high-school friend was . . I don't know how many times she attempted suicide. Another case: One young guy with relatively chronic disease, but he could move around no problem, suicided. What I meant was, depending on the environment where you are, the scenery is different. You just can't see people who are not afraid of death. And me? I kind of don't want to die, but sometimes I want to die to free from sufferings. But I don't want to die with physical pain. I want to be in coo-coo state with morphine and ativan. I want to go ABSOLUTELY pain-free. . . . this kinda monkey-chatter I wrote after mentioning "i'll be quiet." I wonder if I can really be in 'silence' to deal with suffering?

I just watched "The Benefits of Enlightenment" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfMqtrbjiMs again after checking email from Leo. <-- Yup I'm subscribed. I thought TONS while watching the video. "Life is suffering" <-- I knew it. More like, isn't it the basic teaching in Buddhism? To get out of the life's sufferings is . . when you noticed that you got out from life's sufferings . . when you noticed that you are in different state of mind getting out of life's suffering . . is called 'enlighten.' . . . That's what I've known. Also . . . this thought may be not quite acceptable in Western Christian world . . . To get out of life's suffering, one way is to end their live, i.e., suicide. 'Enlighten after (physical) death.' <-- This is not quite accepted in Western Christian world. Mentioning about suicide is even recognized as 'offensive' sometimes. That's what I noticed living in the United States. Anyhoo, In the video, Leo explained the details of . . his version of enlightenment. I think, I got it. And, so, although I kinda knew it . . working on Life Purpose becomes meaningless when I keep 'enlightenment' in my mind. In a way, it's a relief. And also it's dangerous. In extreme case, I can be a homeless and get enlightened, and on to self-actualization. Now I got another thing to think about. <-- My 'ego' wants to think about it, I guess. <-- 'I' is illusion. <-- This loop. lol. I think, I want to watch the video again. And other Leo's enlightenment related videos too. But . . I got other things to do tho? Watching Enlightenment related videos are more interesting than what I got to do. <-- This is not good. <-- My 'ego' wants to discipline me. <-- 'ego' 'discipline' all 'illusion.' <-- This loop. <-- This monkey-chatter. <-- lol. First, I better start from my Cornerstone habits because it's morning! Man! birds are noisy chirping loud this morning . .