Swagala

A couple hours ago, I decided to finally take some time and just sit with myself for a bit. After a few minutes of just staring at a random charger block on my bed, I began to feel very isolated and almost like my whole body was floating. Then, I came to the realization that I am alone, as if I am the only thing that's experiencing the 'world'. I then started tearing up and eventually full on crying from the realization that I'm all that's ever here. Then, I started praying, hoping that there is some higher power out there to lead me because I don't actually know what any of this (life) is and how it all came to be and what I'm doing here. I've had a similar experience before several years ago but I don't think I went deep into it. But ever since then, I've always had some sadness lingering inside of me that I didn't quite understand. Such as: there have been times where I'm laughing very hard at something or enjoying myself with family but then I would feel a deep sense of sadness. It wasn't until a couple hours ago that I came to the conclusion that the sadness may have been from knowing that there's really nothing here and that all of this is just a dream- including the joyful things in life that can cause me to laugh very hard. After all that crying, I've been having these insights and most of them are about how life is all just a dream. There's nothing in this life you can actually attain. And because there's nothing to get, there's no reason to want to manipulate anything to be a certain way. And now I'm here, sort of paranoid that I may be reverting back to insanity. For context, I used to be into spirituality up until a few years ago. I left it all behind because none of it had any practicality for what I wanted during that part of my life. And I'll admit, I was also afraid that I may have just been using spirituality as an escape from real life and that all the 'insights' I've ever had were all just fantasy and delusions. But now after experiencing more of life, I'm surprised that I'm still drawn to spirituality. So, yeah... now I'm here paranoid that I may be reverting back into fantasy and delusion; believing that life is just a dream. It feels insane to believe that life is just a dream and almost seems dangerous. Unfortunate things can still happen and it can affect others. If one believes everything is just a dream, there can be room for carelessness and disregard for everything and everyone else around. I honestly just need some guidance from someone right now. Am I going insane? I have a job but I stay home most of the time so, I'm concerned that my isolation is what's causing me to go into this solipsistic way of thinking.

Thanks for sharing. His arguments were good practice for staying open minded. It also helped remind me how far I've gone from how I used to see reality.

Hello, I've just recently become a tiny bit more familiar with "being". If I were to describe it (just so we're in the same page), I would say it was when any need to think was dropped and I was more drawn to deeply being here, being in the Now. I got a tiny bit excited and, I guess, uncertain or scared off because I decided to distract myself by going on this forum and asking some questions that I may or may not already know inside. Here are my questions about "being". Is what I described actually "being"? (If not, what would you call it?) Will I be able to access "being" much easier and frequently if I continue to expose myself to it? Will I ever be able to go throughout my daily life in this state or will I grow farther from it as I interact with reality throughout the day(s)? I was in that state when my eyes were closed but had trouble connecting to it when I opened my eyes. Please excuse me. Please amuse my questions. And thank you!

Well now all the Leo being a pedo allegations make sense.

For the last couple years, I've slowly but surely been convincing myself that I don't have time. Maybe I've just been isolated and in my head for so long that I've lost track of time. I've forgotten how much time there really is to experience life. I've had these ideas and desires as to some of the things that I would want to experience in life but because I've believed that there's just not enough time, I've been suppressing these desires. Almost everyday has been either actualizing what I want NOW or to just give up on it entirely. I'm not proud to admit it but it seems like I've been using spirituality to be okay with the belief that I can't do the things that I want to and can't experience the things that I want to experience. I've been using spirituality to be okay in the Now because I've come to believe that it's the only thing that I can have or achieve. I'm not saying spirituality is an escape but that I've been using it to suppress enjoying life because I've totally believed that I'm not allowed to experience and enjoy life. And that shit has been giving me HORRIBLE HORRIBLE self-esteem issues. I'm pretty sure all the anxiety and uncertainty that I had back when I had to be an "adult" played a huge role in the fact that I've been feeling rushed, like I don't have enough time, these last couple of years. Realizing this almost had me crying from the release of this burden or mentality.

When I went through schooling, it never felt like I was actually learning. It felt like I was only ever remembering stuff to pass tests. In math class, I was like a robot that just copied all the formulas, placed the numbers in and solved the equation. Like I said, I was just remembering instead of learning. Same goes for all the classes I had. I also kept to myself, mostly stayed in my house. I never felt like I had any close connections to anyone or anything in life. Basically, it's like I was living in this bubble of ignorance up until this point (21y/o). I didn't actually know anything about how anything worked. I just had assumptions and vague ideas or images of what it is. I don't even know how the government works but I would still participate in all this bickering as if I knew what I'm talking about. I saw reality as this black and white thing instead of this complicated work of art. These past 6-ish months, it's felt like I've started off from scratch. It's felt like I didn't know anything. I became very concerned that all the LSD that I've taken has messed up my brain. It's also felt like there must be something wrong with me. Even now, I still have remains of these small concerns with me. It wasn't until these past couple months that I've began to want to experience and learn the world. Just tonight, I found a textbook that I bought in college about government. When reading it, even the most basic things about government felt like it was the first time I was actually learning or understanding it. I'm actually excited to learn and understand this deep complicated work of art. So, yeah. I feel like I know the answer to my question but with all the (what seems to be) advanced spiritual stuff I'm seeing, I don't think I've read anything relating to this. Which I'm sure there are but I just haven't dug deep enough or put in enough effort to find them. And if what I'm saying doesn't seem like anything close to the spiritual path ('cause I honestly don't know what the spiritual path is anymore), please guide me the right way. Or send me to the insane asylum, whichever is the case. ♥️ Also, if what I'm saying isn't actually insane I'd love to hear your similar past experience or current experience. Thank you.

For the first in my life I've finally felt home. It's like I've finally opened my eyes for the first time. I've always had this feeling like I'm never looking at anything or seeing things clearly but now I understand why. Whenever I have tried to relax in the past, it never felt like I've been doing it right and now I understand. It's like I found a piece of existence that I've never noticed before. I can actually feel my body- I'm actually here! I've been experiencing my whole life but have never really been present. It kind of feels like I've missed so much from only finding this until now. Makes me wonder if everyone has this presence that I've been missing my whole life. When I became aware of this happening, a story came up. It was a story of a boy who was so unsure of himself that he hid from the world. He kept his head down, avoiding eye contact or any attention. It wasn't until he found love for himself that he finally had the courage to look up again.

There I was just 2 days ago, giving up on spirituality. I was tired of chasing and understanding. I just wanted freedom. I just wanted to relax and let go. I didn't want to care anymore, I just wanted to feel love and peace. And then yesterday I realized how weak Fear is and and how irrational giving into the feeling of Fear is. I'm still trying to understand it all. It's so fucking amazing ? The amount of joy and happiness there is is so much that it seems so irrational to not want to stay with it and to always feel connected with it.

Back in college when I was depressed and found Actualized.org, I binge watched a lot of the deep videos. I was basically high on eating up concepts that I really didn't understand. I built up strong ignorance after watching all the videos and naively thinking I knew what Leo was really trying to transmit without ever having a mystical experience. Fast forward to now, I've been having mystical experiences but I am having trouble understanding what's actually going on. I decided to watch the old videos I've watched and even ones I did not watch back in those depressed college days. It was a tough pill to swallow; accepting that I have to start all over because I was full of delusion. Now that I've had mystical experiences, the videos have much more truth than I would have ever imagined.

I was just staring. Sitting, staring at a carpet. I saw how there was so much going on while "just looking at a carpet". So I sort of blanked out and let whatever is going on visually do its thing. I should also include that I was also breathing lol. I was breathing and staring at the same time. When I wasn't focused on the breath, that's when I'd drift off into somewhere else but here.

I'm not sure if I can actually describe it well but I'll try. There was an experience of a higher state of consciousness. The state I was in felt like it was the only place. My experience was the only experience. There was nothing going on, there was only now. This place felt like it's where people can tap into to really understand what the human experience really is. It was a universal place. Honestly, I may be naming my experience as "mystical" incorrectly. My vocabulary- the words I choose to use to name things feel arbitrarily picked at times. I don't know what other people would actually consider my experience as in terms of naming it. Maybe it was just a standard "spiritual" experience although I don't know yet what the difference between a spiritual or mystical experience is if there even is a difference. Or it was a small awakening. My apologies for my lack of... whatever you wanna call this.

For me, it works. I've been smoking CBD (basically legal weed) this last few days and I've gotten very mystical experiences. In fact, I had what I can confidently call my first Awakening experience. Total not knowing and nothing made sense. Adding in meditation and some shamanic breathing really helps out.

Some things I experienced: Visual distortions were noticable. A rainbow of colors were in my vision. Patterns appeared, all the usual trippy stuff. When I spaced out with eyes open, it was like my eye's field of vision got horizontally wider. Everything in my vision started to look like a wall right front of my face. My body and the wall 5 feet away from me started merging, there was no space. As I was sitting on the floor, I noticed how bad my back felt (I have terrible posture and have upper back pain) so I started imagining popping or cracking my spine. I naturally ended up doing movements that I've seen from Kundalini yoga videos. I was circling my spine around and then I bending my spine backwards and forwards. I could hear my spine cracking so close to my ear. I cracked my neck as well. There's a spot around the middle of my spine that still feels "crackable" but it feels like it won't. Then my attention was caught by a sensation my sexual region. I could *feel* some kind of fluid. When I focused on it long enough and then contracted, this fluid started going up my spine, maybe 1/3 of the way up which was the highest it went up out of the multiple attempts. There were times when I was startled or started getting a bit anxious of something happening but it was so easy to brush the anxiety off and just go back to the place of peace. I didn't care if the anxious thoughts were going to be true or not, I just knew I'd rather be in peace. I started loving myself. Looking at it now, the reasons why I loved myself seem somewhat selfish or self-centered. The traits that I had seemed like I was meant to have them to grow and love myself. Something in me told me that "whatever brings you peace, follow it, follow your heart, trust in your goodness. Trust in your pursuit of becoming more loving towards people and yourself." Near the end of the trip, the headache that I had during the whole trip began to be unbearable. I took it as a sign to stop and just sleep and relax for a bit and not go any further. Thanks for reading.

At some point in my meditations, I start feeling like my forehead and hands are one. And if I keep focus on this connection, I can feel my consciousness shifting. I have terrible focus so I can't stay on it for longer than maybe 5 seconds. I can feel deep peace and bliss whenever I focus on this connection. I usually sit crisscross and with my hands clasped and resting in front of my crotch area. I've tried having my hands resting on the knees, facing upwards. It kinda feels like both hands are shooting a constant beam of energy towards my forehead. Has anyone else had this sensation and any meaning it may have?

It was a little over a few months ago when I first took LSD. After and during every trip, it felt like I didn't know anything, I didn't know how things actually worked. I felt insane, like there was something wrong with me for not having a clue as to what's true or not true. During the times I was sober, I saw how the LSD may have rewired a few things in my mind. It was as if I couldn't see the relationship between a lot of things, how they were connected. The whole experience was confusing and fascinating at the same time. One thing that also happened during and after tripping on LSD that's left me feeling unsettled was how gullible I've become to the thoughts and ideas that pop-up. While on LSD, my mind would think up all these fantastic ideas of what's actually going on and I would believe them. Some ideas were unsettling but I still believed in them, some were selfish and gave me pleasure just thinking about them and I also believed. After a month of taking LSD every week and ending it with a 6-tab dose, my supply got cut off. In my mind I was confident that I'd be fine. But after some weeks pass, I fell apart. I became obsessed with the idea that LSD was my only real way of becoming "enlightened" and that if I don't become awake, then what else is there? For months after the withdrawal, my whole personality was full of frustration and anger. I was angry that my supply was cut-off for what seemed like no reason. All the text that I would read would be read in an angry voice, even most of the thoughts in my head were full of frustration. Every insult that I heared felt like a huge attack or threat against me. Every day, I would think about how I didn't have LSD to keep me on the right track which then left me feeling lost, confused, and frustrated. Every single thought that popped up in my mind, I easily believed. And this was months after being off of acid. It felt so difficult to take a step back from the thoughts, it was a tug-of-war between buying into the thoughts or frustratingly trying to stop and suppress them. I just wanted to bang my head against a wall from all the commotion going on in my head. It wasn't until yesterday that I began to truly heal. A sudden awareness let me see how I've been letting thoughts run my life. It was thought after thought 24/7 throughout most of my life. I saw that there was no thinker. Thoughts began to seem like chatter just to fill up space. That's all they were, chatter. They had no real importance, nothing was accomplished from any of the chatter. It was like I woke up after sleeping for so long only to find that nothing's been done, nothing's been accomplished. I also saw how thoughts worked as if they were only reactions to stimuli. I see a car, thoughts pop-up related to cars. I hear the thought in my head, here's another thought that relates to that thought. Oh, I've become aware of my thoughts? Here's some "spiritual" thoughts about thoughts. I finally saw how much of an affect leaving this thought producing machine running 24/7 had on my life. As I went through my yesterday, I had way less anxiety compared to the days before. Thoughts of how I looked and how I should look were almost no where to be found. I had no thought of how I should have been acting as I went outside. I was less controlling of situations, I was less alert but more aware, I was less opinionated and less judgemental. Looking back now, I feel like my supply getting suddenly cut off and all the pain after that was a blessing ? and a needed lesson. I am filled with so much Appreciation.

Yesterday, I figured out how to get somewhat disconnected from this body. Basically I pick an item from across the room and have an intention to grab it. Then I just watch the body move on its own without even having to keep thinking about what I was trying to do. Also when I just finished moving around like flipping from laying on my back to my front, I would say "I did not do any of that." It works with thoughts too(ish) after the mind finishes up a train of thought and then all that's left is silence. It feels great being the one observing everything.

These are great! Thanks for sharing!

I've just learned about 1P-LSD today and it's apparently not illegal (only for research purposes) but if you get caught consuming it then that's an uh oh. I've also read that it's almost indistinguishable to LSD-25 or "real" LSD. Has anyone had experience tripping on 1P-LSD and can confirm if it really is similar?

In meditation, I will get to a state of peace and stillness. Then I can sense some kind of shifting in my consciousness only for it to stop (not sure if there's any significance or validity to this). When these shifts are happening, I notice that I would be holding my breath. I've noticed that most of time when I'm breathing, when I hear the sounds of the breath, it's like I get attached to it. I would identify as the one making the sounds of the breath going in and out. It's from the distraction of the sounds of the breath that makes it easier for my mind to start thinking. Any have any tips or advice for this? Maybe I might just need to work on my concentration so that I don't get distracted by the breath or whatever. Thank you for your time!

I've been trying to become more conscious about what's happening when I get "turned on" by something attractive/beautiful tovget a deeper understanding of it. I wanted to share the findings I got from focusing on the times when I become sexual attracted to something. I would ppreciate hearing your own explanation for what sexual attraction is. Here it goes. When I see something or someone that turns me on, there's a wanting to become closer. Almost to become whole or one. When I see something attractive/beautiful which turns me on, it's like I see that thing as something else other than me or separate. So when I see something beautiful and believe that it's separate from me, I feel the need to reconcile with it or become one. When I start looking at the beautiful/attractive things or people as if they're a part of me, a different form of me, not separate, the sense of sexual attraction disappears. I'd like to add that sometimes when I become sexual attracted to something, for me, I feel like I'm less than them. Maybe it's just me and my low self-esteem but when I see beauty and then believe that they're separate from me, that's when I feel like I'm less. The beauty is separate from me, so that means I'm not beauty/beautiful. I then become attracted to them or feel the need to become closer to them so I can realize I'm sort of at the same level as them; that I can be loved by something beautiful.

Wanted to share this video where Aaron shared more of his personal experience.

Initially, there was some frustration caused by the random thoughts. And even more frustration caused by the thoughts that felt like I was thinking them, like a narrative voice. I wanted to go beyond the thoughts. So I asked for some help from the higher self for some guidance. I then tried to place my awareness somewhere else on the body away from my head where the thoughts seem to appear from. Then suddenly, I did find the spot. Not really sure where it was, it felt more like I accidentally (or as if something helped me get there ?) sunk right into it. I don't know what to call it but it felt like a void. It was a place that seemed familiar from my previous meditations but this one was way more "vivid". The body felt like it was lying on its side suspended in the air even though it was actually sitting down. It also felt like I was leaning at an angle but I was being supported by some force. It felt like I could have stayed there forever. Thoughts still popped up but they were so easy to identify as thoughts, they were easy to let go of. I've always had trouble being motivated to meditate because the previous ones I did I would just be calming down the mind and would spend the rest of the time focusing on the body and that was it. But this experience was so blissful and peaceful. I want to go back.

These last few weeks, I've been noticing bright lights showing up in my imagination. The first time that it became very apparent was when I tried to Astral Projecting and a flash of bright light covered my whole imagination (with an eye on the middle coming closer and closer) and then disappearing within seconds. I was only able to do it again one more time. There are many times when I do 10 minute meditations that I would notice near the top of my vision, it would look like lights are flickering. When I'm doing deep meditations, I would start to see little flashes of lights show up and I sometimes can't help but twitch because of them. They almost look like spotlights shining down from the middle of my eyebrows. I've also been noticing the area in the middle of my eyebrows start to twitch and sort of move around. I kinda want it to explode because of all the "movement" happening on that area but nothing ever happens. Everytime these bright white lights show up, I can't help but feel like something is happening or is about to happen. Is this a common experience when meditating?

Update. I attempted to re-enter that place again only to gain an insight. I became very aware of the mind narrating. It had the habit or tendency of narrating everything that was being experienced. Then, I started wondering why it was doing that. I was the one experiencing the experiences but for some reason the mind still wanted to describe everything to itself. There's no one else here, anyone and everyone else is irrelevant in this moment. It's only me, so why the need to describe everything? Then I began to be more aware of the fact that there's only me "here". There IS no one else, or at the very least, they're irrelevant right now. The thoughts started to disappear since there was no use for them anymore since there's actually no one else. There's no need to describe anything because I'm the one experiencing it. I already know it. There's definitely a lot of redundancy in that paragraph XD. I also feel lonely now after realizing that there's really only me. It also feels like this attempt to share this insight is pretty much futile since I'm the only one here. I also began to lose me sense of self. Since there's only ever me, the idea of an "I" or a separation did not make sense.