Samuel

I’ve been contemplating my own self deception quite a bit. For me, self deception seems infinitely deep. Whenever i uncover my own bullshit I have this moment of clarity, insight, awareness, but soon i get used to that level and it becomes the new deception. I’ve got to the point where i feel like i can’t really rest since i feel that i’m always decieving myself on a deeper level that i’m not yet aware of. How to make sense of this?

I got comfortable. Put on some tribal drumming music and started the 30min session. I felt dizziness in my head very quickly and started to feel a sensation of spiraling around in my mind. At first, it was hard because I wasn’t used to a dry mouth, but after about 5min it got easier. As the session went deeper, My chest area started to tingle quite intensely. I started to feel a bit cold too. I slowly started to disassociate from the bodily feelings and drifted off into a no-body state. I don’t think I got as deep as I could have but it was powerful nonetheless. I then began having some mild hallucinations. Like my visual field zooming out to infinity. Eyes closed of course. At some points, my breathing wasn’t as deep because I got too distracted by some new phenomenon happening in me. At the end of the 30min session, I felt quite calm. And laid there for 10min in silence. Mind chatter was still present but I was at ease with it. No resistance. edit: Later on today I have felt light and carefree. Emotions don't feel sticky either. They sorta just pass. Overall this was an interesting experience and I'm keen to do it again next week or earlier.

Hell yeah. Good job man. I like the way you wrote this, nice and straight-forward! What a paradox, trying to escape the paradox you may end up digging yourself deeper into it... peace.

Observe the fear. Detach yourself from it, if just for a couple seconds. See what mental movement causes the feelings you feel. You are not your fear... All I can say is face the fear with the intention of simply looking at it straight in the eye and giving it some love by simply acknowledging its presence. It's not dark that you fear, but the reactions it seems to cause you.

@Aware Cool! I will never be satisfied until I find out what is TRUE. I don't give a shit about peace of mind anymore. I just want to know what is TRUE!

Funny how Mind works. I just had an epiphany. For a while my mind has wondered why it's feeling such disturbance and unease, even though I've been pursuing enlightenment for nearly 2 years now. "Hey sam, don't you think some amount of consistant bliss would be pouring in by now, since you do know that all beliefs are bullshit, and that life is absolute infinity." You sly fox. I hadn't really fully acknowledged it, but learning enlightenment and consciousness work brings its own sneaky beliefs along with it. Just because the work is about stripping away beliefs, concepts and assumptions does not by any means mean it does not contain its fair share of beliefs. I actually realized this for myself after experiencing a great plateu in this work. "Why am I stuck?! "Why am I not getting MY tranquil experiences?!" You little trickster... What a sneaky mess you have made...

My friend is fascinating. He does not follow any self help, or enlightened gurus... Yet, after I told him about consciousness work and consistently conceptually mindfucked him with No Self, Enlightenment, Non-Duality, Absolute Infinity he slowly started to shift his paradigm and move to a more Non Dual way of thinking/conceptualizing. He is at the point, where he BELIEVES that enlightenment is true and a non-dual perspective is the right perspective, yet the thing is, he doesn't care to do any of the hard work to become enlightened. He does not meditate, or read any books to advance his overall intellectual knowledge on the subject. He simply lives life like everyone else does. He has a girlfriend, who he is very happy with, and he has a passion, which is music, he smokes weed, drinks, eats junk etc. I just had a deep conversation about this with him and I curiously asked WHY it is that he cannot put in the work to become more conscious. He told me that the truth was, that he simply doesn't feel that he needs to know the Truth. He said he is completely content with the suffering that he has to go through while living in a conceptual reality. Now he also admitted, that he has never had any direct experience with the true nature of anything, other than on LSD (maybe.) He said he ultimately trusts life. He believes that whatever is true and meant to be, will come to him, and if he is meant to do enlightenment work, it will eventually come to him. For now though, he finds no need in inquiring rigorously about the Truth. He likes his conceptual reality. Still, he talks and understands many of the concepts of enlightenment on an intellectual level and agrees on pretty much everything that I communicate to him about this work. I want to know, is there anything wrong with this approach to life? I'm asking this simply because I feel that I am largely stuck in this same stage of development. I conceptually understand and believe a whole lot of what is being discussed here, but I sure as hell don't live it through my bones. I still go out every now and then and drink/smoke/put on roles filling my void. I'm still clinging onto myself, not wanting to accept the nothingness that I am. I guess the only difference between us is, that I put in the work to make this stuff a reality, not just more beliefs and concepts. What does it mean when he says, that he is fine with all the suffering that comes with living in a concept based reality? is there something wrong with this attitude? Does my friend have potential with this work?

How do I resist sudden urges to party/have sex/eat junk? I've been having a lot of urges for sex, and it has made me go out and party to meet girls. Theres nothing wrong with this really, its just that I end up drinking or smoking and it sucks because it really ruins my momentum for self actualization/consciousness work. Also my sleep schedule gets fucked, and I have a lot less energy. I'm currently making a pre mortem for my two month summer holiday. I want to make this a productive holiday in terms of personal growth, and I identified sexual urges as being one of the biggest possible causes for failure, because it makes me do some low conscious stuff to get the girls and really puts me off track in terms of spiritual and intellectual development. What could be a solution for this cause of failure?

@Shanmugam We are, it's a private retreat. I would love to see something like this made for students serious about consciousness work. Maybe a future business idea..

@FirstglimpseOMG I like this idea. Let's see if we are in a state that allows us to write stuff down though. ...and that's an awesome name.

@Erlend That could be a good idea. We'll consider it. My friend is an old class mate I met when I was 14. Lucky, we both generated a similar interest in Truth/Consciousness work.

@Arman Yeah, i know how confusing talking can get. We want this retreat to be a growth trip more than anything. Yes, we would like this retreat to be fun and all, but I think the real growth happens when we cut all the bullshit and stick to the inner work.

@Captain Flint Well I couldn't think of any. I created this topic mainly to get feedback for the structure of the retreat.

Me and my friend have been planning a 5-day retreat this summer, where we meditate for the first 3 days. Then, at the end of day 3 (in the evening) we will ingest some magic mushrooms. After the trip, we stay at the retreat for another 2 days to contemplate and ponder. We will be completing this retreat at my friends summer cottage in the woods. Our plan is to do the first 3 days of formal meditation in complete silence, and no distractions. As for the mushrooms, we are still unsure whether we will allow talking during the experience or not. What do you think? Then, we would get back to meditation/contemplation (again with complete silence) for the upcoming 2 days, but, this time allowing pen and paper for notes. What are your thoughts on this retreat idea?

Happy birthday Leo. Thanks for everything. You are a great inspiration and a true hero. You got me onto the path of true understanding of life and existence and everything, and I am eternally grateful for that. Thank you for getting me interested in meditation, contemplation, self-inquiry, enlightenment. These are gems I wish to teach others about one day. Thank you for all the effort you put into your craft. THANK YOU. -Sam