Vytas

@Something Funny True. You see, of course there are many solutions to a given situation, its just whether or not one is willing to look broadly. For me I had a negative/pessimistic view on life. More focusing on limits instead of opportunities. Genuinely thanks Its cool to dispel self-created problems, and this "I am doomed to have unattractive body" is one of them. Thanks for pointing it out

@Chives99 Thanks :)) Indeed the apps are exhausting I am lucky, I live in a city where there are a few universities. And so there are many girls at around age 19-24. For me thats kind of perfect

@Something Funny Good question. Indeed those features are bloated in my mind. Well I have a twin brother and he is big man, broad shoulders, strong and seeing him getting attention from girls when we were kids and from women now, it pisses me off sometimes. Its a huge insecurity I am working on but still, this hatred for those features is rooted deeply. Also at around age 21 I went to the gym with a buddy of mine for a whole year. We bought program from professional every 3 months, he measured us and advised us on diet. It was serious and I put hours into gym. As the year went by I got demotivated. He progressed I didnt. To the point where even our instructor was sad looking at measurements after a year. In general seeing my peers getting results kind of increased my insecurity about my body type. Working on acceptance. But still long way to go

I wanted to write in this forum as I feel like a have something to share, not for everyone, but for those who feel totally frustrated, lost, bitter and hopeless. In short this post is of my personal experience which I think some (maybe only one or two, idk) may find uplifting I am almost 26yo and I just entered relationship. Before that, NOTHING, no hookups no kisses or any physical intimacy. But let me start from beginning. From middle school I started noticing my physical and mental capabilities were not great. Psychically I was weak, very skinny, very narrow shoulders, huge nose (was bullied at school and all) had many allergies. Mentally I did great in STEM subjects and very poorly in literature and humanitarian subjects, had terrible social skills, basically if I have to guess, was a bit on the autistic spectrum. Girls were never interested in me (although looking back, some were I was just incapable seeing that). Know my own flaws, especially physical weakness I never pursued relationships, furthermore my poor social skills led me to ditch socializing altogether. At age 18-19 I told myself first, let me pursue enlightenment, mastery of meditation and then, someday I will go on dating. Well, meditation was okay, but I longed intimacy. So at around age 22-24, I overcome my physical insecurities and installed dating app. Through tons of anxiety I started getting comfortable being ghosted, rejected but learned a bit about texting. Went to overall like 5 coffee dates. The thing was I was very conscious about my looks and lack of experience. There was one girl which I liked, and knew she liked me, we dated a bit. Every time we met, at the end of date I wanted to kiss her, but my overthinking that she would judge for going for a kiss and doing it poorly that I started getting anxious and was stunned. During that time I hated myself for not rushing to kiss and touch her. Felt like crap. I also got a bit too attached, knowing that she might be one out of many thousands who finds me somewhat attractive I really wanted to push myself into intimacy. Like, " this is 4th date, I NEED to kiss her or else I am total failure". Long story short, things faded. I felt soooo much anger on myself. Also anger on my body. Anger on everything. Around that time, I was 24yo and this new thing occurred - balding. To all the cons of my body I was not ready to also add balding. This, I swear am not lying, triggered so much anxiety I almost got panic attacks. Like fuck, now I am really really fucked. This physical phenomena, plus my last failure in dating a girl, got me to stop dating. My world came crashing down - everything sucks. I was in the lowest at my late 24 and early 25. At some days when I was about to get happy I looked into the mirror and that view as well as memories of my failures in dating triggered depressive (or perhaps just very very sad) mood. And so I naturally became frustrated and hopeless. I cant describe how bad my mental was during some nights. About 4 months ago I went to a trip abroad. One day I was riding metro and in front of me was this couple, about my age, like mid-late 20s. Cute and lovely girl hugging in the arms of this guy, who also had very narrow shoulders, average face, skinny and bald. They were glowing, this warm feeling just hit me and the fact that looks do not matter that much to women, or at least to some girls. At that point my hopelessness faded a bit. It was there, but to lesser degree. Now I kind of had idea, love is alive, love is possible. After few more months I installed dating app again. Only this time no expectations, no rush, no "I need to be attractive" and "I need to be cool, chill and goofy". Just let me see what is there. I texted with minimal effort for a month. Went to 3 dates on the 3rd I met this girl. We vibed. She was chill. I was in no rush now, nothing to prove. And slowly, naturally, with no manipulations and try-harding we started to hangout more often. I ditch a thought of "I need to make a move, this is already n'th date". Over a few months we got comfortable with each other. Now we are physically intimate, we both had many first-time experiences and damn. I wish somebody told me that there is no need to be a rizz-god. There is no need to go on a thousand dates do a million approaches to find love. Its there. Just be. Be you. Fuck. It sounds boring. But its true. Hope this post helps to lessen dating-anxiety for some of you, who are lonely, frustrated and maybe angry as I was. Have a great day

Morocco are fucking defensive gods. Not the most beautiful football but heck, if it works it works. The problem is they have many injuries in the team, so I feel like Argentina vs France in the finals. Fingers crossed, we will be able to see open football between those two in finals

Drank coffee twice a day for ages. Stopped last week. I miss the taste of that juicy dance of roasted beans with the sweat of honey on my tongue. I cant say I noticed any difference thou. Perhaps overall not as tired. Like 5-10 percent more alive in the evenings but thats about it. Of course this one week is super short term to judge is there any effect. Idk. I love the taste of coffee, but might continue the challenge in order to observe effects on a long term scale.

Red car - Chromatics Red moon - Prince of Falls

Main point is a simple observation: even a guy with bad genes can find love (lol, its cliche, but when I saw this in reality it amazed me) As a side note i mentioned that I sometimes watch porn, and that it is more of a coping strategy for compensating lack of relationships and unfullfilled sexual needs. When I saw that dude in a subway with his gf, it gave me hope for the possibility of what can happen and in result it motivated me to stop using porn and engage more in social activities and dating

For those like me that are struggling with finding gf with bad looks. Background - I am 25yo male struggling with dating. Phisically I have mega-wide hips and mega-narrow shoulders, have child like face which makes me look like a girl in a way and conventionally very unattractive. Ou, and I started to get bald in a last two months... I feel very insecure and i am aware of those traits. Often when get laughed at or after unsuccessful date I ll use porn to cope with my 'hopeless' phisical situation... But! Today something marvelous happened. I was riding subway back home and saw simmilar looking dude across the wagon. He was also in his mid-20s, balding, had mega wide hips, quite narrow shoulders, also child-like face. And. To my biggest surprise he was hugging and kissing I suppose his gf. She was very cute, very lovely. They were in deeeeeep affection. And man... Whem I saw simmilar to me looking dude in this kind of love situation I got really happy and even more hopeful and motivated to drop porn completely as a coping strategy, take more action, not hide my traits and face the fact that finding gf even with such genes is doable ??? Less porn watching and more action towards intimatcy, playfullness and relationships ?❤️?

Recently OpenScience gave free access to AI text generating model "Bloom". Not as powerful as GPT-3, but still. This is a free model so I played around a bit generating Person and Bot conversations. Finally I swapped word 'Bot' to 'God' and the response was quite fun Prompt: "Person: I feels lazy today. Should I simply watch youtube all day? God:" AI's generated response: "Person: I feels lazy today. Should I simply watch youtube all day? God: (Throws you into a room with a TV) You can watch youtube all day. I will be watching you."

First of all. Yes mdma and acid seems like a better option. In contrast to my shroom trip which made me numb, foggy, dull and in pain, acid actually gave clarity and mdma gave me lightness as well as empowered sense of imagination. Funny how differently psychedelics effect people, even in terms of phisical effect. Secondly, as 48 hours have passed - it makes me appreciate present moment so much. I am glad I have this phenomenal human body. My fingers listen to me, they quickly type letters which I need to form sentences. My mind is sharp, I drove flawlesly through city today, solved complex challanges at work. Feel light-hearted. Its beautiful how coherently body-mind functions. When it functions. Atm i clearly see the value of simple things like food, fresh air, rest, exercize. It might seem that phisicality has no importance, but to me it seems tremendiously important. At least to me, body very much influenced mind and mind very much influences quality of life. And only when quality of present moment is luminious I feel spaciousness overflowing. Love

On the second thought, I feel grateful. Now I truly know which path suites me and which does not. I will no longer need to consider what if I did mushrooms. Now I do know. I did them. It humbled me in a way that I know that my body needs way more care. Needs more work. I now value yoga even more. It did for most part removed my runny nose. For the most part removed headaches. Still so much space to grow and adjust. In comparison, mushrooms downgraded my body not in a fun way.

I do To me, meditation seems way better tool for spiritual work.

This experience I am about to describe is a good representation of my perspective and look on life. For me all the thoughts I am about to share seem truthful. Yet I do understand the extent to which I could be deluding myself. Therefore reader is encouraged to point out limiting/false beliefs that I have. I would really appreciate it. Where do I start? Perhaps from the background. 24 y/o, male. Weight 80kg. Past experiences: two times acid; one-time dmt; one-time mdma; a handful of times cannabis. But because all of them were in small doses, therefore I would consider shroom trip of 3.5 grams to be my first real trip. It's been a while since the last time I tripped. Life changed a lot from then. So I thought, It would be interesting to try psychedelics again. To introspect into reality; to expand consciousness; to experience luminous presents. Damn, I was so wrong, so naive, in a way fooled by the consciousness-expanding quality people report. Things went not as expected. Let this post be a monument for future explorers to be more precautious and more honest about whether they can take it. I still believe that for a majority of people psychedelics can open eyes, broaden perspective, give a sneak peek into whats real and raise consciousness. But for some, be it minority, it can be unhealthy and damaging. Let me expand on this by writing my story. So it was Saturday. I had a productive week at work, alrighty post-work life - attended dance lessons, meditation session, yoga, took evening walks. As the weekend came, I found a whole day free of plans and decided today is the day I will do the trip. Ate last meal at 3pm. Some house chores. At 6pm listened to Sadhguru on enlightenment, Ram Dass on relationships. At 7pm took a walk. At 8pm sat down for meditation. At 9pm drank ginger - lemon - chamomile tea with shrooms and a little bit of honey. Sat on the floor, listening to trippy/ritualistic music. At 9:20om it began. Body load gradually grew on me. Heart going alright. Breathing normal. Yet felt some adrenalin. And serotonin. I can pretty accurately identify when my body produces it. I immediately have a peculiar sense in my belly. A very pleasant sensation. My head started to become heavy. Wall started breathing. My vision periphery was lit by green and red lights interchangeably. Yet, my head was even heavier. Consciousness started diminishing. It was - hard. Hard to sit. Although body was very pleasant, my head felt huge pressure. Thoughts flooded my consciousness. Its like I entered very dense thought cloud. But not in a good way. In a way like, there was less life then before drinking shroom tea. Although visuals very beautiful, and body pleasant. Because of this heaviness, and because of this huge pile of racing thoughts, the present moment was the opposite of luminous. It was contracting. I pretty much laid on the ground. *** Some dark thinking happened. About why all this reality happens, why so much injustice. Why most of the humanity acts like suffering does not exist. An intense feeling of anger for all the humans, for all the universe... So much injustice. I will expand on the thought process later in this post. *** At one point I stood up, went to my bed, laid there, continue thinking about reality. Head being very heavy and pressured. Lower body feeling pleasant. As I was thinking about the reality, I realized sheets were becoming dark. I touched my nose. It was bleeding. Fuck. Am I dying? - I thought. Immediately realizing that this is temporary. Fuck I was so mad. Felt like being cheated. Did not expect that mushroom trip can have such an effect. Why people do not talk about damaging your body. I stood up again. The bleeding stopped or went directly into my throat, can't tell. Either way. I felt like overheating so went to the kitchen for a glass of water. At that moment my body felt very heavy. Very much heated. My neuron connections were very loose. If somebody would have asked me basic things like, what I ate at breakfast or what is the name of the president I would not be able to answer them at that time. Drank water and went back to the room. This feeling of heat and pressure intensified. I was tired. My body was tired. I thought this is the opposite of serenity or clarity. Damn. Wtf. What is wrong with me. Am I disabled in therms of experiencing psychedelics? Spent the last hour in a semi sitting-lying position contemplating my inadequacy. Not being able to enjoy the experience. Not being capable in general in life. Felt very much anger at all the lies I told in my life. Anger on other people who spread lies. Fuck. Trip somewhat ended at 2:30am. Super tired with a heavy head I went to sleep. Crawled into sheet with bloodstains, left cleaning task for tomorrow. Woke up in the morning with a headache. Looked at the phone "11:11". Lol. What I make out of this. My body and mind is not ready for psychedelics. I have yet a lot of work to do. I would LOVE to imagine myself conscious, healthy, strong, but the truth is I am not. And it is hard breaking to see that I am still years of sadhana away from a state of healthy, strong and attentive body & mind. As a note, my body was weak from the very early age. I always had a runny nose / cold at school. Most often low in energy. Headaches every two weeks in senior years of high school. If we take game as a metaphor for life. I would say my starting stats were very low. Last two years I did yoga plus some extra exercise every day. Started socializing more. Working on my career more. And I thought that enough progress was made, my body and mind became strong enough to go through psychedelic experiences. I misjudged... For those whom psychedelics help - great. Use them as a tool. For others like myself, it is possible your body is not prepared for it. This tool is not for everyone. For me, at least now - it is not helpful. In terms of serenity, health, joy - sadhana is more effective. This is my experience. Hope this gives perspective into what individual edge cases look like. About the *** thinking *** part. To summarise the whole 2-hour thinking process, one word emerges - hypocrisy. It seemed to me we are all very much hypocrites. How? Well. We talk about this love thing. And about being loving to others. And about noble "help" to others. Yet we purchase fucking ikea furniture which is being packed in a loud, dusty, cold factory in some 3rd world country. How is this possible. We purchase food at bare minimum cost, which is produced with all the toxic chemicals because otherwise farmers would not be able to compete in the market. We build esthetic environment around ourselves, yet turn our back to the polluted water/air. We say to one friend get therapy and are supportive for him, yet bully another with different views into mental disorder. We brag about the demons we embraced during shadow work, yet turn cold to the homeless on the street. Also I was angry on the universe. Why do some people get to grow in poor conditions with weak bodies, others in nourishing conditions and with strong bodies. I know people who eat random food, don't exercise, yet have statue-like bodies and are strong, others no matter how much effort put are trapped in asymmetrical bodies or 'unattractive' bodies. Why such injustice. I feel like these questions most people answer to themselves in their teenage years, yet I am still looking for an answer. It somehow still bothers me. These issues might be a huge projection on my part. But from small little me perspective these things seem to be real. And it makes me mad. Makes me sad and angry. This post went from trip report to rant on existence. But because rant relates to the trip I thought I would share them both here.