This experience I am about to describe is a good representation of my perspective and look on life. For me all the thoughts I am about to share seem truthful. Yet I do understand the extent to which I could be deluding myself. Therefore reader is encouraged to point out limiting/false beliefs that I have. I would really appreciate it.
Where do I start? Perhaps from the background. 24 y/o, male. Weight 80kg. Past experiences: two times acid; one-time dmt; one-time mdma; a handful of times cannabis. But because all of them were in small doses, therefore I would consider shroom trip of 3.5 grams to be my first real trip.
It's been a while since the last time I tripped. Life changed a lot from then. So I thought, It would be interesting to try psychedelics again. To introspect into reality; to expand consciousness; to experience luminous presents. Damn, I was so wrong, so naive, in a way fooled by the consciousness-expanding quality people report. Things went not as expected. Let this post be a monument for future explorers to be more precautious and more honest about whether they can take it.
I still believe that for a majority of people psychedelics can open eyes, broaden perspective, give a sneak peek into whats real and raise consciousness. But for some, be it minority, it can be unhealthy and damaging. Let me expand on this by writing my story.
So it was Saturday. I had a productive week at work, alrighty post-work life - attended dance lessons, meditation session, yoga, took evening walks. As the weekend came, I found a whole day free of plans and decided today is the day I will do the trip. Ate last meal at 3pm. Some house chores. At 6pm listened to Sadhguru on enlightenment, Ram Dass on relationships. At 7pm took a walk. At 8pm sat down for meditation.
At 9pm drank ginger - lemon - chamomile tea with shrooms and a little bit of honey. Sat on the floor, listening to trippy/ritualistic music.
At 9:20om it began. Body load gradually grew on me. Heart going alright. Breathing normal. Yet felt some adrenalin. And serotonin. I can pretty accurately identify when my body produces it. I immediately have a peculiar sense in my belly. A very pleasant sensation. My head started to become heavy. Wall started breathing. My vision periphery was lit by green and red lights interchangeably. Yet, my head was even heavier. Consciousness started diminishing. It was - hard. Hard to sit. Although body was very pleasant, my head felt huge pressure. Thoughts flooded my consciousness. Its like I entered very dense thought cloud. But not in a good way. In a way like, there was less life then before drinking shroom tea. Although visuals very beautiful, and body pleasant. Because of this heaviness, and because of this huge pile of racing thoughts, the present moment was the opposite of luminous. It was contracting. I pretty much laid on the ground.
*** Some dark thinking happened. About why all this reality happens, why so much injustice. Why most of the humanity acts like suffering does not exist. An intense feeling of anger for all the humans, for all the universe... So much injustice. I will expand on the thought process later in this post. ***
At one point I stood up, went to my bed, laid there, continue thinking about reality. Head being very heavy and pressured. Lower body feeling pleasant. As I was thinking about the reality, I realized sheets were becoming dark. I touched my nose. It was bleeding. Fuck. Am I dying? - I thought. Immediately realizing that this is temporary. Fuck I was so mad. Felt like being cheated. Did not expect that mushroom trip can have such an effect. Why people do not talk about damaging your body. I stood up again. The bleeding stopped or went directly into my throat, can't tell. Either way. I felt like overheating so went to the kitchen for a glass of water. At that moment my body felt very heavy. Very much heated.
My neuron connections were very loose. If somebody would have asked me basic things like, what I ate at breakfast or what is the name of the president I would not be able to answer them at that time.
Drank water and went back to the room. This feeling of heat and pressure intensified. I was tired. My body was tired. I thought this is the opposite of serenity or clarity. Damn. Wtf. What is wrong with me. Am I disabled in therms of experiencing psychedelics? Spent the last hour in a semi sitting-lying position contemplating my inadequacy. Not being able to enjoy the experience. Not being capable in general in life. Felt very much anger at all the lies I told in my life. Anger on other people who spread lies. Fuck.
Trip somewhat ended at 2:30am. Super tired with a heavy head I went to sleep. Crawled into sheet with bloodstains, left cleaning task for tomorrow.
Woke up in the morning with a headache. Looked at the phone "11:11". Lol.
What I make out of this. My body and mind is not ready for psychedelics. I have yet a lot of work to do. I would LOVE to imagine myself conscious, healthy, strong, but the truth is I am not. And it is hard breaking to see that I am still years of sadhana away from a state of healthy, strong and attentive body & mind. As a note, my body was weak from the very early age. I always had a runny nose / cold at school. Most often low in energy. Headaches every two weeks in senior years of high school. If we take game as a metaphor for life. I would say my starting stats were very low. Last two years I did yoga plus some extra exercise every day. Started socializing more. Working on my career more. And I thought that enough progress was made, my body and mind became strong enough to go through psychedelic experiences. I misjudged...
For those whom psychedelics help - great. Use them as a tool. For others like myself, it is possible your body is not prepared for it. This tool is not for everyone. For me, at least now - it is not helpful. In terms of serenity, health, joy - sadhana is more effective. This is my experience. Hope this gives perspective into what individual edge cases look like.
About the *** thinking *** part. To summarise the whole 2-hour thinking process, one word emerges - hypocrisy. It seemed to me we are all very much hypocrites. How? Well. We talk about this love thing. And about being loving to others. And about noble "help" to others. Yet we purchase fucking ikea furniture which is being packed in a loud, dusty, cold factory in some 3rd world country. How is this possible. We purchase food at bare minimum cost, which is produced with all the toxic chemicals because otherwise farmers would not be able to compete in the market. We build esthetic environment around ourselves, yet turn our back to the polluted water/air. We say to one friend get therapy and are supportive for him, yet bully another with different views into mental disorder. We brag about the demons we embraced during shadow work, yet turn cold to the homeless on the street.
Also I was angry on the universe. Why do some people get to grow in poor conditions with weak bodies, others in nourishing conditions and with strong bodies. I know people who eat random food, don't exercise, yet have statue-like bodies and are strong, others no matter how much effort put are trapped in asymmetrical bodies or 'unattractive' bodies. Why such injustice. I feel like these questions most people answer to themselves in their teenage years, yet I am still looking for an answer. It somehow still bothers me.
These issues might be a huge projection on my part. But from small little me perspective these things seem to be real. And it makes me mad. Makes me sad and angry.
This post went from trip report to rant on existence. But because rant relates to the trip I thought I would share them both here.
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