Vytas

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  1. For those like me that are struggling with finding gf with bad looks. Background - I am 25yo male struggling with dating. Phisically I have mega-wide hips and mega-narrow shoulders, have child like face which makes me look like a girl in a way and conventionally very unattractive. Ou, and I started to get bald in a last two months... I feel very insecure and i am aware of those traits. Often when get laughed at or after unsuccessful date I ll use porn to cope with my 'hopeless' phisical situation... But! Today something marvelous happened. I was riding subway back home and saw simmilar looking dude across the wagon. He was also in his mid-20s, balding, had mega wide hips, quite narrow shoulders, also child-like face. And. To my biggest surprise he was hugging and kissing I suppose his gf. She was very cute, very lovely. They were in deeeeeep affection. And man... Whem I saw simmilar to me looking dude in this kind of love situation I got really happy and even more hopeful and motivated to drop porn completely as a coping strategy, take more action, not hide my traits and face the fact that finding gf even with such genes is doable 😌😌😌 Less porn watching and more action towards intimatcy, playfullness and relationships 🙏❤️💪
  2. Main point is a simple observation: even a guy with bad genes can find love (lol, its cliche, but when I saw this in reality it amazed me) As a side note i mentioned that I sometimes watch porn, and that it is more of a coping strategy for compensating lack of relationships and unfullfilled sexual needs. When I saw that dude in a subway with his gf, it gave me hope for the possibility of what can happen and in result it motivated me to stop using porn and engage more in social activities and dating
  3. Recently OpenScience gave free access to AI text generating model "Bloom". Not as powerful as GPT-3, but still. This is a free model so I played around a bit generating Person and Bot conversations. Finally I swapped word 'Bot' to 'God' and the response was quite fun Prompt: "Person: I feels lazy today. Should I simply watch youtube all day? God:" AI's generated response: "Person: I feels lazy today. Should I simply watch youtube all day? God: (Throws you into a room with a TV) You can watch youtube all day. I will be watching you."
  4. This experience I am about to describe is a good representation of my perspective and look on life. For me all the thoughts I am about to share seem truthful. Yet I do understand the extent to which I could be deluding myself. Therefore reader is encouraged to point out limiting/false beliefs that I have. I would really appreciate it. Where do I start? Perhaps from the background. 24 y/o, male. Weight 80kg. Past experiences: two times acid; one-time dmt; one-time mdma; a handful of times cannabis. But because all of them were in small doses, therefore I would consider shroom trip of 3.5 grams to be my first real trip. It's been a while since the last time I tripped. Life changed a lot from then. So I thought, It would be interesting to try psychedelics again. To introspect into reality; to expand consciousness; to experience luminous presents. Damn, I was so wrong, so naive, in a way fooled by the consciousness-expanding quality people report. Things went not as expected. Let this post be a monument for future explorers to be more precautious and more honest about whether they can take it. I still believe that for a majority of people psychedelics can open eyes, broaden perspective, give a sneak peek into whats real and raise consciousness. But for some, be it minority, it can be unhealthy and damaging. Let me expand on this by writing my story. So it was Saturday. I had a productive week at work, alrighty post-work life - attended dance lessons, meditation session, yoga, took evening walks. As the weekend came, I found a whole day free of plans and decided today is the day I will do the trip. Ate last meal at 3pm. Some house chores. At 6pm listened to Sadhguru on enlightenment, Ram Dass on relationships. At 7pm took a walk. At 8pm sat down for meditation. At 9pm drank ginger - lemon - chamomile tea with shrooms and a little bit of honey. Sat on the floor, listening to trippy/ritualistic music. At 9:20om it began. Body load gradually grew on me. Heart going alright. Breathing normal. Yet felt some adrenalin. And serotonin. I can pretty accurately identify when my body produces it. I immediately have a peculiar sense in my belly. A very pleasant sensation. My head started to become heavy. Wall started breathing. My vision periphery was lit by green and red lights interchangeably. Yet, my head was even heavier. Consciousness started diminishing. It was - hard. Hard to sit. Although body was very pleasant, my head felt huge pressure. Thoughts flooded my consciousness. Its like I entered very dense thought cloud. But not in a good way. In a way like, there was less life then before drinking shroom tea. Although visuals very beautiful, and body pleasant. Because of this heaviness, and because of this huge pile of racing thoughts, the present moment was the opposite of luminous. It was contracting. I pretty much laid on the ground. *** Some dark thinking happened. About why all this reality happens, why so much injustice. Why most of the humanity acts like suffering does not exist. An intense feeling of anger for all the humans, for all the universe... So much injustice. I will expand on the thought process later in this post. *** At one point I stood up, went to my bed, laid there, continue thinking about reality. Head being very heavy and pressured. Lower body feeling pleasant. As I was thinking about the reality, I realized sheets were becoming dark. I touched my nose. It was bleeding. Fuck. Am I dying? - I thought. Immediately realizing that this is temporary. Fuck I was so mad. Felt like being cheated. Did not expect that mushroom trip can have such an effect. Why people do not talk about damaging your body. I stood up again. The bleeding stopped or went directly into my throat, can't tell. Either way. I felt like overheating so went to the kitchen for a glass of water. At that moment my body felt very heavy. Very much heated. My neuron connections were very loose. If somebody would have asked me basic things like, what I ate at breakfast or what is the name of the president I would not be able to answer them at that time. Drank water and went back to the room. This feeling of heat and pressure intensified. I was tired. My body was tired. I thought this is the opposite of serenity or clarity. Damn. Wtf. What is wrong with me. Am I disabled in therms of experiencing psychedelics? Spent the last hour in a semi sitting-lying position contemplating my inadequacy. Not being able to enjoy the experience. Not being capable in general in life. Felt very much anger at all the lies I told in my life. Anger on other people who spread lies. Fuck. Trip somewhat ended at 2:30am. Super tired with a heavy head I went to sleep. Crawled into sheet with bloodstains, left cleaning task for tomorrow. Woke up in the morning with a headache. Looked at the phone "11:11". Lol. What I make out of this. My body and mind is not ready for psychedelics. I have yet a lot of work to do. I would LOVE to imagine myself conscious, healthy, strong, but the truth is I am not. And it is hard breaking to see that I am still years of sadhana away from a state of healthy, strong and attentive body & mind. As a note, my body was weak from the very early age. I always had a runny nose / cold at school. Most often low in energy. Headaches every two weeks in senior years of high school. If we take game as a metaphor for life. I would say my starting stats were very low. Last two years I did yoga plus some extra exercise every day. Started socializing more. Working on my career more. And I thought that enough progress was made, my body and mind became strong enough to go through psychedelic experiences. I misjudged... For those whom psychedelics help - great. Use them as a tool. For others like myself, it is possible your body is not prepared for it. This tool is not for everyone. For me, at least now - it is not helpful. In terms of serenity, health, joy - sadhana is more effective. This is my experience. Hope this gives perspective into what individual edge cases look like. About the *** thinking *** part. To summarise the whole 2-hour thinking process, one word emerges - hypocrisy. It seemed to me we are all very much hypocrites. How? Well. We talk about this love thing. And about being loving to others. And about noble "help" to others. Yet we purchase fucking ikea furniture which is being packed in a loud, dusty, cold factory in some 3rd world country. How is this possible. We purchase food at bare minimum cost, which is produced with all the toxic chemicals because otherwise farmers would not be able to compete in the market. We build esthetic environment around ourselves, yet turn our back to the polluted water/air. We say to one friend get therapy and are supportive for him, yet bully another with different views into mental disorder. We brag about the demons we embraced during shadow work, yet turn cold to the homeless on the street. Also I was angry on the universe. Why do some people get to grow in poor conditions with weak bodies, others in nourishing conditions and with strong bodies. I know people who eat random food, don't exercise, yet have statue-like bodies and are strong, others no matter how much effort put are trapped in asymmetrical bodies or 'unattractive' bodies. Why such injustice. I feel like these questions most people answer to themselves in their teenage years, yet I am still looking for an answer. It somehow still bothers me. These issues might be a huge projection on my part. But from small little me perspective these things seem to be real. And it makes me mad. Makes me sad and angry. This post went from trip report to rant on existence. But because rant relates to the trip I thought I would share them both here.
  5. First of all. Yes mdma and acid seems like a better option. In contrast to my shroom trip which made me numb, foggy, dull and in pain, acid actually gave clarity and mdma gave me lightness as well as empowered sense of imagination. Funny how differently psychedelics effect people, even in terms of phisical effect. Secondly, as 48 hours have passed - it makes me appreciate present moment so much. I am glad I have this phenomenal human body. My fingers listen to me, they quickly type letters which I need to form sentences. My mind is sharp, I drove flawlesly through city today, solved complex challanges at work. Feel light-hearted. Its beautiful how coherently body-mind functions. When it functions. Atm i clearly see the value of simple things like food, fresh air, rest, exercize. It might seem that phisicality has no importance, but to me it seems tremendiously important. At least to me, body very much influenced mind and mind very much influences quality of life. And only when quality of present moment is luminious I feel spaciousness overflowing. Love
  6. On the second thought, I feel grateful. Now I truly know which path suites me and which does not. I will no longer need to consider what if I did mushrooms. Now I do know. I did them. It humbled me in a way that I know that my body needs way more care. Needs more work. I now value yoga even more. It did for most part removed my runny nose. For the most part removed headaches. Still so much space to grow and adjust. In comparison, mushrooms downgraded my body not in a fun way.
  7. I do To me, meditation seems way better tool for spiritual work.
  8. Tempted to write long commentary, but ll keep it short. What you are doing is great. Hiding from life with a shield of "only holy stuff here" is not the way. My journey is similar to yours although even more incelness ? Currently doing not as many approaches, but picking up the momentum. Your commitment towards resolving relation with woman, dating and socialization is inspiring. Keep it up brother ?
  9. ? Okay, so I checked it. Damn this really hit me. Dude is definitely right on the "importance of Volume" part and "Soup" texting. Thanks. I haven't exposed myself to theory behind dating because a few videos that I watched seemed delusional. But this Mike guy nailed on the volume-confidence relation part. Its really simple concept, yet somehow I thought it doesn't apply to me. Now I see it does. I need to increase volume waaaay more. Noted Thats why I never created an account. But it is lockdown in my country. So I figured, until bars/cafes reopens I might as well see whats up with this Tinder thing.
  10. Situation: I messaged back and forth with this girl. I asked her for a number so we could chat on the phone. She replied why not to go for a walk instead, she likes seeing person live. So I said sure, lets do it. On a scheduled day she wrote I can't go out today. I said something like "when would you like than? Given you still want to meet" and she didn't replied. My thoughts/feelings: Of course in ideal situation I would burry this case and move on. But she seemed fun and relatable, also quite my type, and I think that she might ghosted me because of my poor pictures on tinder. I feel like if we would meet in person she would realize that in-person we are same 'league' and have much in common. At least I think so from a few days of messaging with her. Question: should i try to ask her out one more time? If so - what is the way?
  11. @kras Well yeah ? this thread shows that. Her just not answering showed me that jup I am creating expectations and investing emotionaly too soon. Basically I am too egoic. Its true. @Evil Raccoon will do ? @Preety_India @Chew211 Seems that leaving it and moving on is simple and wise next step Thank you - people from the internet - for your input ?? Others perspective is precious
  12. @Gesundheit I expected this answer and yet did not wanted it, and you served it. Thanks ? Any opinion/suggestion is welcome here. Your opinions on this are most effective for burning my illiusions/blindspots.
  13. Alrighty, thank you @WonderSeeker @Leo Gura Did it. Told that it was fun talking to her but havent felt the chemistry. It's a bitter feeling now, but the right one probably. Yeah, havent framed it in this way of being unfair with her if telling watered down truth. Checked a few of them. He's telling the truth most of the time, but I dont feel like coach is needed for me. Its fine. Although some tips and trick would be great
  14. God damnit... I am very very new to the whole dating aspect of life. And i am in a situation where I have no clue how to act properly. Context: I had a call-date with this girl who is nice, virtuous and friendly. After some chatting I realized we do not match, at least I am not attracted to her personality. I then had a thought to end the conversation, but the thing is she seems nervous and low-selfesteem and because of all these traits I did not know how to say bye. So we chatted for a few hours. It was fine, she is friendly but I am not attracted to her. And because the call ended on a neutral/semi-positive vibes she wrote a few messages afterwards, and I am just like "how the hell to say bye to this tender human". Idk maybe simple honest "You are great but I do not think me match each other" message is enough, but because i am very new to dating, I am not sure. What do you guys/girls think would be a great way to say bye? P.S yeah, I know its a small thing, but she didnt seemed very high self-esttem girl so I don't want down her by being rude
  15. @Waken i know isha staff is creating a platform for doing courses online which were done in-person in the past. The platform is in testing phase, i think in the near future you will be able to do inner-engineering-total program online.
  16. @OBEler I learned it in person during 4-day inner-engineering program. Idk if you are familiar with yoga concepts, but I would explain Shambhavi practice consisting of holding some of Niyamas attitude, doing Asanas, Pranayama, Pratyahara and Dharana.
  17. 6 months Shambhavi Mahamudra Kriya report: First of all - nope I did not get enlightened Despite that it absolutely changed my life in a snowball effect. From a depressed anxious VERY lethargic person it gave me energy and made me vigor, more joyful and willing. By willing I mean - my general mode was always "I don't feel like doing", "why every task is so daunting", "I don't want to do X and Y"; and now my general mode is "sure, lets go for it", "happy to take part in doing X or Y". Being more energetic may sound like not a big benefit, but for me it is transforming. I am now able to participate in life. Live life. Decision to do kriya constantly (even through days while I had fever or felt like laying in bed) was hard, but one of the best ones I ever made. Like moving heavy object from its restful state, hard at the beginning, but gets easier with time (object generates momentum) so is with kriya hard to do in the first few months, then gets easier (at least for me).
  18. His friend Raghu Markus has a podcast dedicated to spreading Ram Dass wisdom. In the podcast for the first 10 minutes he gives his comments on the specific topic followed by ram dass lecture or talk. There are 170 episodes as for today. Great source of insights into spirituality https://open.spotify.com/show/3Dz4DL2ZMvnNQUnDSXqSdm?si=Vifi66imSiWYDPwEwrosMg
  19. https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg/videos I feel like this is a high consciousness resource worth sharing with. The talks vary from topics like depression and anxiety to dharma and meditation
  20. First things first, this will not be a journal, but more like a book of confessions which I am going to update whenever I find time for it or remember something important to mention. Why I am doing this? Well, to write something like this, to share my darkest memories I first thought of about a few weeks ago and since then the idea never left the mind. I am currently clogged with all the shitty stuff I have done and so I have this urge to share, but dont feel brave yet to tell it my family/friends. Also, the idea was fueled even more when I found modmyth's journal (even though it is different, the idea is to share important life experience). Of course, to make confessions is way better do it with real people in real life, but because I don't feel ready yet (feels like to much is in me to spill it for friends and shock them), so I will start here. Sharing all the confessions with anonymous people on the internet. Time to show my dark side.
  21. @modmyth It definitely does. And I change it sometimes. Library is a great space. Nicely put - "going with the grain" environment. However, it is not a quick fix pill for my isolated and distracted life. 24 With No Distractions After Action Report. What I noticed is when being in uni (basically spend there all day, from morning till late evening) around friends, group-mates I have no thoughts about distraction, basically going with a flow, no need to push myself or anything. There, at those times, work and focus comes easily, as did yesterday. What went well? First of all, when faced with a dilemma: to wait 1h with group-mates for the boring lecture or go home. I did stay and it was great idea. Although waiting for 1h as well as boring lecture doesn't sound great, the alternative is going home and spending the evening alone, fighting and forcing myself to study instead of watching internet. I chose to stay and was able during my hour of waiting to do a lot of research work with a help of a friend, and the lecture turned out to be alright. Secondly, in the late evening, once back at home instead of binging on the internet and media, by accident I was saved from terrible day ending. My friends apparently were talking on discord about some nonsense, but I feel like I just needed some sort of conversation, to remind myself I am not isolated. It helped, after the call, I was more psychologically calm and cool. I was able to just do my project work, which I am super behind because of the distracted life during last month and a half. What could have went better? I feel like I need to find some social evening outlet. If not that random talk on discord I could have surrendered to my compulsions and spent evening on the internet, stuffing myself with food. Other time this might not happen. I need to think of something which would remind me that I am not alone in the world. I live alone in an actual one-room apartment - which I call cave . It is not bad, and I try to tell myself it is perfect for meditation and actualization work, but that is just lying. I need other people, I am social being. Till today's evening I will try to think of something that could remind me of that. I have a theory that when these psychological needs are met, working or spending free time in a healthy way is much more easier.
  22. #4 I am afraid to face life This ties with all the confessions mentioned above. All the issues are inter-connected. To solve one of them would mean evaporating others as well. So yeah. What happened is I was getting stuck in my bullshit. Problems pilled up and it now feels unbearable. I try to not look at my life by distracting myself with: mainly internet (reddit/youtube/bbcnews), tv series, movies, music, food, porn (in the past) and sometimes video games. I feel like whenever I am having good time with other people, be it helping others with some work, spending time outside or hanging out I don't even think about distractions. Its all smooth. No thoughts about food, video games or pornography. But whenever I get back to my place, where I live alone, where I am suppose to study, do my individual uni projects - everything collapses. Here, I thought about something - I will try to spend next 24 hours with 0 distractions, and report back tomorrow around this time how it went. And I will write AAR (after action report). For one I know it wont be sunshine and rainbows. The goal is to face life with no distractions in a healthy way. Not like 'fuck it, brute force my way through'. Anyways, lets go. Btw, by no distractions I mean almost no internet, I will use only when looking for a specific thing; with food - just kill hunger, not to overindulge; already going on a solid no pmo streak, so at least that is covered.
  23. I feel like this video has insight on the topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOAVLjJTO6M Video suggest to do it if genuinely inspired, not making it a distraction. And of course it varies from person to person how much is alright. However, when talking about pornography the damage it creates is undeniable. There are like a dozen tedx videos made. You can search for them on tedx youtube channel
  24. #3 I am restless and cant focus properly Whenever I try to study, learn or write something that I am suppose to, I get super restless. This weird feeling in my body. At those times I feel like running away. As if jumping off the chair and leaving the room. My chess tightens. My bladder reminds me I need to go to the bathroom. When one is doing something joyfully - going to the bathroom or eating food can be easily forgotten. Well when I try to study the opposite happens. I get enormously irritated, want to go to the bathroom, or stuff myself with food, or simply take a walk. So fkin restless. At those times two things can happen: 1) I do take a walk or distract myself by watching a movie, reading articles and news, reading forums, laying on the bed 2) I force myself to stay on the target (whether be it essay I need to write, or book to study), and after hours of hard work I get a backlash, start to binge on food and internet videos. This feeling - restlessness. It is wild. Funnily enough I subconsciously create it, not knowing how. Why can I just sit still and in a relaxed way and do the work? I first started noticing this issue in last few years of high school although I assume it was with me since childhood. Should I brute force my way to study? Am I just searching for excuses to be lazy. Who knows.