Not me

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About Not me

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    Lesser Chimp

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    Finland
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  1. @ElenaO If you are still having trouble with this I would highly recommend you to read The oxygen advantage. The techniques in that book will cure all kinds of health issues, especially ones related to breathing and the areas involved in it. I discovered this book only recently but I can say it's one of most important health books I've read. This book is based on the idea that most of us are chronic over breathers and this creates lots of health issues and so by reducing our breathing volume we can get back to amazing health.
  2. Aallriighttt last journal entry for a while. Yesterday I discovered a way I can remove the pain from my body. I just put a lot of cold gel on my left arm and almost all of the pain disappears. I don't even have headaches and most importantly I don't have to eat those painkillers like candy all the time. For the last couple of weeks there has been a lot of suffering every day. The pain has been so insane. I haven't really been talking about it that much here since I don't want to complain but having heartburn and crazy pains all the time has been difficult. So now I'm really relieved because there are at least some signs of healing. Now I'm about to leave to the meditation retreat. I've done a lot of sports training camps so I kinda see this as a meditation training camp. We will wake up at 5 am there but it's not that bad because the retreat is in another country and the time zone is one hour less from our own so I only have to wake up one hour earlier than I usually do. Anyways I'm really excited. I don't have that much experience with retreats or sesshins but now it's a good time to get one in. Yesterday I ate 2400 calories and meditated for 20 minutes. Now I won't be counting calories for the next two weeks but I will be eating moderately and very mindfully. I'll see you in two weeks!
  3. Okay the neurologist didn't find anything so at least I shouldn't have any neural issues. I think my bicep might be somehow torn because yesterday I tried to do muscle membrane relaxation and some stretching and soon after that my left bicep area got really sore and there was a lot pf pain there. I tried to put some cold gel there and it helped a little. I still don't understand why the pain radiates to every other part of my body but at least I'm one step closer to finding out. And also one step closer to relieving the pain. Since I'm going to the retreat tomorrow I won't be able to get any tests done before that. My mum said that if she has any pains they will always go away when she does a retreat. So we'll see what happens to me. My exam week is over so is my period of focusing on studying. Now it's time to move to spirituality. I'm really excited about that. Yesterday I ate 2000 calories and meditated for 20 minutes.
  4. Ahh thank god today I will go see a neurologist. The pains are just intolerable. I'm unable to sleep at night and having hard time concentrating during the day. My mind is really worried that there's no solution to this and that I will keep experiencing this for the rest of my life. There's also worry that I won't be able to attend the retreat. I really hope they will find some way to fix this. Today is my last exam. I didn't even care to study to it that much. I want to go to holiday already. Yesterday I watched Leo's latest video and started thinking that I haven't really been creating compelling visions about what do I want my future to be like. I started thinking about what do I want out of life and realized that the thing that fascinates me most at this moment is becoming highly conscious. It just seems like there's nothing quite like it. I don't have my full vision ready yet but I identified the first step I will need to take. It is that every time before I start doing something I briefly pause and ask myself why am I doing this. Then I bring the vision of how this thing will help me grow into my mind. Then I proceed to do the task. I think this should really help keep me in touch with my big vision. And of course I won't be doing this with every single task. Just the ones that are really important and the ones where I most need motivation. Meditated for 30 minutes, ate 2400 calories, studied for one hour.
  5. Yesterday I had my English exam and it wen't pretty well. I always struggle with essays since I try to get very high points from them and that makes me think way too much about what is the perfect next sentence. I have two more exams left: physics and mathematics. I will try to get decent grades squeezed out of them but they are not really subjects I'm interested in studying. I think I will make this be my last physics course. I have to focus my energies more on what matters to me. My preliminary plan for this summer is to spend the first half of it very immersed in meditation. The first two weeks will be spent in the zen monastery and then after that I think I might meditate for six hours every day for the following two weeks. Then probably do some shadow work, exercising, reading and socializing on the side. On the second half of the summer I will focus on socializing. I will read some books about human relations and perhaps do a pick-up program as well. Then I will go out with my friends and to see new people and implement the theory I have learned and have fun at it. During this phase I will meditate and exercise on the side. I don't always have my books with me so I've had hard time trying to finish physical books. Now I realized I can buy kindle versions of books on Amazon and read them on my laptop wherever I go. That's really good since the books won't be taking any space and I always have them available. Yesterday I bought The book of not knowing and will start reading it after my zen retreat. My weight this morning was 79,9 kg and my waist was 84,6 cm. I meditated for 30 minutes and studied for one hour. I ate 2100 calories. It's funny how fast I start to lose fat once I get my calories handled.
  6. Yesterday I played some video games with my brother and I could literally feel it destroy my concentration, at least for a while. After playing I wast in this high adrenal mode and it was really hard to focus on anything, I tried to meditate but my mind was running like crazy and it kept thinking about the game over and over again. For the last five years I haven't really been playing video games because I have seen them as a waste of time and I still think they are. It probably isn't that bad to play once in a while with friends but I really don't want to waste too much of my life playing video games. Especially after what I have read about them overstimulating the dopamine system. I realized a funny thing. I often have hard time falling asleep because it's so hot in my room. But yesterday I ate my last meal at around seven and went to bed at around 10.30 pm and I my body was total cold. I even needed to take another blanket because I was freezing. I will try doing this to see if I can sleep even better. I'm not really sure how I will be able to function in the retreat next weeks since we won't be sleeping much there. Perhaps the meditation will get me to stay awake. Meditated for 30 minutes, studied for 2 hours, ate 1900 calories.
  7. I'm still having some issues with heartburn . The only way I can get it to go away is by not drinking anything with my meals. The only downside is I don't know when to stop eating. If I don't drink anything I don't have any cues to stop and I feel like I'm still hungry no matter how much I eat. The heartburn might be caused be eating so many painkillers so I hope it will go away after I stop taking them. I will go see a neurologist on Thursday to see what he can do. I will again try drinking just one glass of water with meals to stop my eating. Yesterday there was a really awkward but also cool moment. My parents suddenly started talking about magic mushrooms. And they were all excited about them. They talked about a study where they gave mushrooms to terminal cancer patients and almost all of them experienced great relief from their pains and even said it was the most important experience of their life. Then they started talking to me about it and telling me how I should also listen to the podcast about mushrooms. I was just trying so hard not to laugh and tried to act like I didn't know anything about the subject. Then my mom even proceeded to talk about lsd to me and how psilocybin and lsd are basically the same. She also said that the problem is you can get bad trips and get fucked up by that. I had no idea my parents knew that much . Then she also said that mushrooms can induce enlightenment experiences but the problem is that if you get them from a drug dealer, you don't know how much you are getting and what the quality is. They were really positive about psychedelics and I wast just amazed. Yesterday I ate 3000 calories. Looking back to the last couple of weeks it seems like I haven't really been able to implement never binge again successfully. I have lost some weight but I have also ate more than I wanted almost every single day. I have to really start taking this seriously. I know I can do it. I meditated for 75 minutes and studied for 2,5 hours. I was really focused as I studied but mainly I just studied English because that's the one subject that will really be important for my future.
  8. Yesterday was a happy day. I really focused on my studies and learned a lot of new stuff. I didn't study for that long because it was a beautiful day and I didn't want to just spend all of my time studying. So I took a one and a half hour walk. It felt really good to get moving after sitting many hours. And the weather was just great. It was warm and the evening sunlight looked magical. The flowering trees which are everywhere were really beautiful too. I din't even listen to audiobooks or try to do anything as I walked. I just walked and enjoyed it. I will study for about five hours today and rest of the time I will spend meditating or exercising. I really think I should move more. I hate when I have to sit for long periods of time because of studying. I can't live my life being sedentary. That's totally unnatural for me and I can only imagine how my health would be in the long run. 2600 calories yesterday. I studied for three hours and meditated for one hour.
  9. Five days of school left. Time goes so fast it's almost scary. I have four exams and then one more day of school after that. The amount of partying after school ends will be mind blowing. I won't have time for that. My kind of partying will be going to a zen retreat . I will go there on next Saturday and stay there for two weeks: one week of retreat and one week after that. I won't be journaling there so this will be my last week of journaling for a while. Progress feels so damn good! After I stopped competitive sports I haven't really experienced that clear signs of progress. The progress has always been very suddle and I have only noticed it looking back at the previous year or month. Compared to when I did sports I felt myself progress almost every week or even every day. But now with fat loss I'm experiencing it again. I can clearly see in the mirror how my body changes day by day. It's so exciting! This morning my waist was 85 cm and my weight 80,1 kg. I still have pains in my shoulder so I can't lift weights but the progress is still pretty good. I studied for two hours, meditated for 30 minutes and ate 2000 calories.
  10. Wow I have now done 27 weeks of exercises from the six pillars of self-esteem and I can say I definitely feel more confident than when I started. There are four weeks of those exercises left. After completing them I will probably start doing shadow work in the mornings. Yesterday was going so well and I had 1700 calories by the evening. Just amazing self-control. Resisted strong craving like ten times throughout the day. I was still hungry in the evening so I decided to have some chicken and then some cake which we had on the table. I new I was in control but I was just so hungry. I ended up eating 3400 calories. Again I didn't let it go for long, just until my hunger was gone but in that time I managed to eat quite a bit of it. Self-acceptance is difficult when you are feeling so shitty afterwards but I'll do my best. I studied for five hours and meditated for 20 minutes.
  11. Yesterday was my first exam. It was economics and it went pretty well. The harder part of that course was doing all the exercises from the book. I wrote over 7000 words for those exercises. Today I will have an off day from school and tomorrow a psychology exam. It's funny how my opinions fluctuate between I really want excel in school and fuck school it's a time waster. I wan't study at least for the sake of building my work ethic but I don't wanna take the exams that seriously. I installed an app called self-control on my laptop so now I can block distracting websites for up to 24 hours. It means I can't access them even if I want to. Yesterday I blocked Facebook and I think I will have to block Actualized.org so that I can only access it in the morning for my journalling. It's study time now and I can't afford to spend time browsing any websites. I don't watch much porn but I also decided to change my settings so that I can basically never access any porn sites again. One post here on Actualized.org really resonated with me. It was about the law of attraction and said that most people focus too much on what they don't want. I have heard it many times before but somehow I haven't seen it in myself. Now I realize that rather than accepting my problems I constantly feel like I shouldn't have them and go into this low level victim mode. Here are some things I have unconsciously been thinking and probably kept attracting: "Why do I have this pain in my arm", "Why can't I stop binge eating", "I don't want to be fat", "I don't want to overeat", "Why am I always unfocused and tired", "Why can't I focus during my meditations". Also in social interactions I focus on the things I do wrong and am not good at instead of all the things I do well. Now I will apply deep acceptance and love to all of these problems and detach from them. Then I will change my focus to: "I wan't to eat moderate meals like lean people do", "I want to be lean". I will focus on the feeling of being focused, and in social interactions I will focus on the thing I do well. 2900 calories yesterday. I ate too much but was able to prevent total destruction. It was hard because I had crazy cravings after eating some bread but I din't give up and ate healthy foods for the rest of the day. I studied for three hours and meditated for 30. Now it's time for a cold shower and a productive day!
  12. Yesterday I was so focused with my studying. I was in flow all the time and shit just got done so fast. I realized I haven't been very effective at doing anything I do after school. I have been way too distracted to get things done well. I have wasted a lot of time on my phone or doing some random shit. I feel like I should move myself away from all possible distractions and just focus all my energies on getting things done. That way I would also have more time for other things like meditation because I wouldn't be wasting so much time on just being unfocused and getting nothing done. I have reduced my coffee and caffeine intake to almost zero and it has definitely helped with the heartburn. It is not that strong anymore and it doesn't occur that often. I also realized that drinking too much water somehow makes me really anxious. I don't know why that's the case but every time I drink a lot of water I get really anxious. This morning my waist was 85,25 cm and my weight 81 kg. Yesterday I studied for 3 hours and meditated for 30 minutes. I ate 2600 calories. A super effective strategy I discovered for dealing with cravings is imagining a wall between me and the cravings. This makes me able to see the cravings as some kind of crazy animal which is locked inside walls and trying desperately to make me binge. Usually it has been difficult for me to separate myself from the cravings but this really does the trick.
  13. I'm getting more and more in touch with my body. I feel a huge difference between eating clean foods and eating shitty foods in how I feel. And as I eat I can feel when my body has gotten enough food even if I would still want to eat. It feels so natural to be in touch with the body and listen to it. When I don't have body awareness it's so damn easy to overeat because I'm not aware of the discomfort that comes from eating too much. I feel like my brain has finally realized how to be aware. I'm able to really watch myself going on autopilot through my day. I was even able to stay aware while watching a youtube video. Somehow I didn't get pulled inside the video like I usually do but I was aware of myself and my surroundings as I watched the video. I also feel like I'm quite conscious through the first half of my day when I'm in school but when I come home and open our front door I feel I instantly go into autopilot and start unconsciously doing the same things day after day. I think this might be because my school days are all different but my ritual at home is often quite similar every day. Of course the real reason for this is not having enough awareness but doing similar things every day just makes it harder to stay alert. Thankfully I'm slowly starting to wake up. I ate 2200 calories. I studied for three hours, meditated for 30 minutes and self-inquired for 15 minutes. I definitely should do more self-inquiry. There are just so many reason (more like excuses) for not doing it. I keep telling myself that in summer when I have more time I will do it. Well luckily it's only two weeks till summer.
  14. I had a preparation camp for exchange students last weekend and I din't have time to post here yesterday. I made some good friends there. The camp leaders were chill and we had so much fun. It was really nice to meet people with similar interests. Hearing cool stories of people's exchange years made me very excited. Once again I realized that I'm way too much in my head and that's what creates my problems. When I was there on the camp I felt like I had no problems because I was constantly talking with someone or we were doing something so I didn't have time to go into my head too much. I also realized I don't need to eat as much as I have thought. I didn't have any hunger there despite not sleeping a lot and eating much less than I usually do. Last week I only got a couple of low carb days but they definitely helped with the heartburn so I will continue going low carb this week. Most of my time will probably go into studying this and the next week. This morning my waist was 85,5 cm and my weight was 81,8 kg. Yesterday I studied for 90 minutes and ate 2100 calories.
  15. I'm starting to realize just how much shrooms have opened my mind. It's hard to describe but I feel like I'm able to see things more deeply. I see more alternative ways of thinking and I there's a sense of clearer understanding of things. Of course I can't be sure if this has happend due to meditation or shrooms but I would bet shrooms have a big role in it. I have realized or rather remembered that all of my problems and unhelpful states happen because of the perspective I have at that moment. If the perspective is negative I will percieve life as hard and go into victim mode. Somehow I don't feel like just awareness and presence are enough. They help me to detach from those states but I won't get to this enthusiastic positive state. This is why I will make it a practice to change my perspective to something more positive (for example how this situation is benefiting me) every time I'm in an unresourceful state. I feel I often go into negative states when I'm tired or hungry or when things go wrong but I'd rather feel good at those moments. Ate 2700 calories yesterday, meditated for 10 minutes and studied for two hours.