Not me

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About Not me

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    Finland
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  1. Feeling a little sick so skipped school today. Right now the subjects I have in school are biotechnology, developmental psychology, electricity (in physics), integral functions (in maths) and English. All of them are very interesting so it's nice to look forward to going to school every day. I also study independently Portuguese, history of religions and social studies. Didn't count my calories yesterday but I would estimate they were around 2500 calories. Feeling a whole lot confused as to what I should do with my life in the future. Psychology interests me but I'm not sure if I want to spend all my time studying and then working in a job after that. I would love to travel the world and live somewhere abroad. I also wouldn't want to chase success and money too much. I really don't have a clear dream at this moment. Perhaps my exchange year will make things a little clearer and give some perspective. Meditated for 30 minutes. I feel my focus improving.
  2. @Sevi Thanks for being so helpful . I agree that I sometimes can be a little neurotic about going to the gym and getting results. I still think that it was due to lack of stretch/mobility because I only do two times one hour of training for my upper body (per week). That shouldn't be very hard for the body especially because I have done it for five years already. So I think it was due to doing those exercises in which my shoulders couldn't move with proper form. But I do agree that the stress hormones from dieting probably made it worse.
  3. @Sevi Oh yeah I forgot to mention. I went to see a doctor and he diagnosed it.
  4. Okayy discovered that my chest and arm pains were caused by an inflamed nerve. It has become inflamed most likely because I have done too much lifting and too little stretching. No I can't do gym for one week ( so sad I know) . Luckily I can still do other forms of exercise. I'm so grateful there was a solution to this pain because it was really uncomfortably, made it hard to focus and made me nervous. I really was afraid that I might get a heart attack. I ate 2200 calories. No effort needed. I even ate some ice cream but didn't have any binge urges. It's still snowing here in Finland on some days . Some books I have been listening to recently: Power vs Force, The power of now, The willpower instinct and Change anything. Last week I started The Natural (RSD) and yesterday A new earth by Eckhart Tolle. I like to listen to Eckhrat Tolle when I go for a walk. His voice makes it really easy to become present and I like to be constantly reminded of the tricks of the mind. I meditated for 30 minutes.
  5. Felt like crap yesterday but realized some things: I take myself way too seriously, I make my problems way bigger than they are by focusing on them even though I tell myself I don't think about them (for example yesterday I had pains in my chest and arm and I started getting super worried and couldn't think about anything else and I thought I was gonna get a stroke or something.) Objectively I know it probably won't happen but I tend to constantly observe if there's anything wrong in my body and this makes me worried about even the smallest things. I have done this since last winter when I had an some kind of disease in my lungs which caused uncomfortable feelings in my chest all the time and I always checked if the feelings were still there. I also realized I'm still a perfectionist on some level. For example I wan't to get perfect sleep and trying to get good sleep becomes this performance where I try to do everything right. This of course makes it harder for me to fall asleep. Ate pretty moderately yesterday: 2300 calories. There wasn't much hunger and I had a strong grip over any urges. I meditated for 40 minutes.
  6. I tried to fast the whole day yesterday but I was feeling so weak and unable to focus that I had to stop. I fasted till 6 pm and then ate a lot of chicken, some potatoes, rice and salad. Didn't count my calories but I would assume they were around 2000-2500. I probably didn't lose much weight this week but I got five solid days of good eating. I will continue to focus on eating moderate meals and improving. Doing long cardio sessions and fasting for long usually trigger binge eating in me so I will eliminate those this week and see how it affects things. I have usually done those to lose more fat but I have to admit they have almost always backfired. When I want to overeat I never have in mind why I should stop and why this is harming me. I have to keep reminding me of the exchange year thing and how binge eating will totally destroy my life. Practicing self-acceptance has helped me so much but it's time to get serious and totally eliminate any overeating out of my life. I meditated for 60 minutes.
  7. @West Thanks! I have tried it and I actually lost a ton of fat but it is hard to maintain now that I'm in school because a lot of what we have for lunch contains carbs. Maybe I will try it in a month when my school is over.
  8. Not sure if I calculated my calories right or just ate a whole lot of chocolate . I got 3500 calories. I was soooo close to bingeing. My mother brought us some chocolate because she came back from Sweden and I decided to have a bite. Ended up eating a little more than just a bite and I felt the same old emotions and thoughts rushing into my body. There were thoughts like: "Aaaah fuck that you already blew it" "Eat now it doesn't matter you can fast tomorrow". I ate one omelet and then I was just like OK let's not fuck this up and totally accepted that overeating. Then I drank some water and the urges disappeared. Today I will reread never binge again. I want to focus on building habits of lean people so that maintaining low body fat levels becomes effortless. I'm definitely going in that direction but there are still some quite big slips. I meditated for 30 minutes.
  9. Oh sorry I thought you meant the six pillars of self-esteem not sure what you meant
  10. Did my 90 minute swim after which I of course compensated by eating a ton. I ate till I was full but then soon after that we had our family dinner and the food was too good I ended up overeating that too. I ate 4000 calories but didn't feel at all bad about myself because I was fully in control. Next time however I will make sure I drink more water so I get full faster. And because I don't wanna eat until I'm stuffed I will make sure I don't eat this much in the future. I feel I'm super easily influenced at this point in my life. Not sure if it's because I'm a teenager or if it's just me but for example I immediately start to believe everything Leo tells in his videos without much questioning. Even just people telling me something I usually don't even consider it could be false. I guess I will just have to avoid bad influences. I really like changing and improving things in my life. It makes me feel like I'm doing something cool with my life and always on some kind of adventure. I meditated for 20 minutes. I'm still lost in thoughts most times and don't realize that my mind is controlling me but I try to be aware of it as often as I can. I have also noticed I love thinking about stuff. It's like I don't even want to stop thinking. Guess it's true we are quite addicted to thinking. I'm feeling really happy at the moment. Things are going well, I'm mostly free of binge eating and I just get these bursts of joy through my day .
  11. Self-esteem rises steadily. You don't really feel the effects on daily basis but looking back after a couple months or so you realize that you are so much more ok with who you are. You care less what other people think of you and you are able to express yourself more openly and your overall feeling of self-efficacy is much higher. I think that before this book I thought that if I honestly tell people who I am and what I think they would think I'm stupid or start to dislike me. I don't have that any more. Getting the results of course requires daily practice and doing the exercises from the book.
  12. Feeling how self-hypnosis is starting to change my self-image. I'm not that lean yet but I feel that I am . I was tired yesterday and I ate some ice cream and some dessert my dad had made. After that I felt the same old binge urges kicking in but this time I remembered my exchange year and how much binge eating would harm it. That immediately made me it so painful to even think of bingeing that I didn't even need to fight the urges. I ate 2500 calories. Today I'm going to do a one to two hour swim just for the sake of fun and getting some aerobic exercise. I'm feeling good about my progress and I don't have that strong need to get to low body fat levels anymore. I will still keep installing this habit of eating at lower calories and cutting my body fat. I just don't want to obsess over it. I meditated for 20 minutes.
  13. 2200 calories yesterday. I had some strong hunger before meals but I didn't feel the need to act on it. Just a couple weeks ago I couldn't stand the feeling of hunger and always had to eat something. Now it's just like fuck yeah I'm losing fat!! I'm not sure if normal people at my age do anything else than watch netflix, study and party. Sometimes I feel judgmental towards them but I do my best to understand them, I could be one of them. I spent almost the whole day studying and cleaning the house. I studied Portuguese and maths. I should be able to speak Portuguese in four months so I'm in a little hurry . I don't feel the need to spend much time chilling when I'm at home, school is for that. Meditated for 30 minutes and did self-inquiry for 10.
  14. I have cut my meal size to that what a normal person would eat and I'm feeling really really good. I'm not stuffed at all, I feel so much lighter and fitter all the time and I even have more energy . I decided to qualify any eating beyond my stomach being full as binge eating. I will keep eating clean foods and only eat grains or desserts if I'm at a party or somewhere where it would be impolite not to eat. And even in those situations I will eat only one serving of the food and dessert. Any urges or thoughts that will try to make me eat outside these lines are not mine and I won't even consider acting on them. I got a super strong why that I will use whenever temptations hit to remind me of what I actually want: I will think about my upcoming exchange year and how much binge eating would fuck that up. I definitely want to make it great so this is a very strong reason for me to stop. Ate 1900 calories yesterday. Meditated for 30 minutes. Started listening to Power of now again. Every time I listen to it I realize how unaware have I been in my daily life and how I have started to believe the stories of the mind once again. This book really reminds me to stay awake. I have almost finished my notes from The willpower instinct and I have to say I'm surprised by how many good practical insights the book has. I just saw it on my dad's audible and thought it was just some random not that good self-help book. Decided to listen anyway and it turned out to be really good.
  15. Having hard time accepting myself after overeating. Ate 2400 calories yesterday. Also realized I'm way too obsessed about losing fat and I should probably put it on the background of my life for a while. I will just focus on eating in a caloric deficit and not obsess about it. The self-hypnosis should soon kick in so that should also allow me to use less conscious control. I realized I have a limiting belief that hypnosis won't work for me and I spent some time yesterday changing that. I have a sports psychology book called Mental mastery and there's a section for belief change there. I did some techniques there. Basically questioning my limiting belief from many angles and creating an alternative empowering one. The limiting belief lost some of it's power but I think I will do the process again to weaken it even more. I think I will also spend a couple of days changing my other limiting beliefs because it seems I have quite a few of them. I meditated for 20 minutes in the evening.