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About Taavi

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  1. This topic is about the question how to proceed in spiritual realization. Before getting to the meat of the question I would like to provide some backstory, in the hopes of making the place I am coming from a bit clearer. I have been following actualized.org content for 5 years now since I was 22. I have done various kind of spiritual practices, studied and partaken in hypnotherapy and transpersonal psychology for 2,5 years, been through 50+ psychedelic trips, meditated for 30-40 minutes daily, though having some breaks in between when the lows hit me, read shitload of books, been in spiritual workshops and tantra camps etc. I have had some strong peak experiences as might be expected (unity, loss of self, realization of complete relativity in the minds workings ). Right now I am in a place where it is easy to see how I am constructing all meaning and I can shut the mind off rather easily for a short period of time. And this place brings me to the question: whats next? I am still a construct of the mind. I cannot get past this. Fundamentally I can see that this I, that I am, is kind of a sham. In the sense of not being any more real then my idea of an apple. Sure, the idea exists, but only in my mind. So does this I reside only in my mind, relating to and giving meaning to all the other concepts and sensory experiences. So I guess my real question is that is it possible to transcend this mode of experience? This I, that I have so clearly seen to be a construct, yet still that I am. No matter the short lived experiences of not being "it". In a sense I am more confused in this point, then I was starting this journey. Is it really possible to be without this I for extended periods of time or even indefinitely? If so, in what direction should I look to proceed? I am getting tired of seeing and at the same time not seeing. Ps. I would appreciate input from people who have actually gone past this point and know what they are talking about. I am in no need for "just look within yourself" advise or other such parroting.
  2. Hi! i was wondering if you guys have book recommendations on business. I am looking for practical books that talk about the actual process of creating a business, not motivational business books or law of attraction books, I have read these kind of books already and I am trying to incorporate as much as I can from them. Right now I would really like to read a good book that goes through the process of starting a business with practical examples and day to day stuff that I will have to figure out. Ps. I have Leos booklist and I have read most of the books on business there but there wasn't any book that I described. Help is appreciated
  3. First of all, I do not even really know what enlightenment is. I have been doing this consciousness work for 3 years quite intensively and I have realized that I have no idea what everybody is talking about, when they talk about enlightenment. Is it the state where I am not thinking and just feel good about being? I have recently discovered that all of my thoughts (the WHOLE STORY of me) truly are not the reality, before I knew it intellectually and thought I understood but now I can just let go of mind work and just "be". There is nothing mystical or anything about it really besides that it feels good to just be and I feel more whole. Is this something to do with enlightenment? Like everything is as it was before but I no longer really believe my mental story since I can switch to "being" mode quite easily and see that the story is not true. Was this the whole point of this work? It does feel great and I think that I am happier then pretty much anyone else that I know but is this it or is it just a stage or something? I feel that there is much more to get into being, to reorganize the whole mindsystem to function better and that my work has not ended by no means, it feels more like I can actually really start working now since I am not bound so much by the story anymore. Of course when I get back to my story it stills operates in many faulty ways and I do forget myself into the story quite a lot but I feel like there is no real going back to only that mode of experience. It was a bit of a ramble I know but I just want to hear if someone has a similar experience or has gone through it. Not really looking for cool quotes or stuff like that, someones personal experience would be nice though.
  4. Hi.. I want to describe my situation a bit and ask if someone is going through a similar experience. I have been doing consciousness work for about 3 years now (contemplating, meditation, reading various spiritual books, psychedelics etc.) and I have had some very deep experiences where the "I" structure dissolved. Now I am in a state where I have nowhere to ground myself. The "I" structure (the ego, the self or whatever have you) is back in business for most of the time but the illusion cannot be completed anymore as it once was. In a sense I have opened doors that cannot be truly unopened anymore. Now it is like a limbo where I am between two stools, the "I" world and the being world( it is the best description that came to mind). This limbo like existence is very disturbing as I cannot take anything seriously anymore but in the same time my mind is causing great suffering as it is constantly trying to grasp at something to hold on to and re-create itself. This grasping inevitably fails as my perspective has changed too much after these spiritual experiences. It has been almost a year now where I am in this state and it keeps getting more and more intensive as I feel my sense of self having to immensely struggle to keep it up. It feels like I was a boat and now I have poked too many holes in it and the "I" has to keep throwing out water to stay a float in the sea of reality. But the holes are getting bigger and bigger and the boat is disappearing. I dont know if this makes sense but it is the best metaphor I was able to come up with. It also has a strong component of nihilism to the experience, as everything is seem meaningless from the "I" perspective as it self has been seen as illusory with all the rest of the shenanigans that go along with it. But nihilism itself is part of the illusion, I know that on some level but I cannot seem to find a way to resolve this conflict. I am 24 at the moment and I really would like to solve this conundrum as I do not want to spend another 50 years in this kind of limbo state of suffering. Is there anyone who has gone through this or is feeling the same experience? Help would be greatly appreciated.
  5. Thank you for your responses. @Prabhaker I read that book and feel like I have a little bit better understanding of this work. Thank you.
  6. I experienced non-egoic consciousness, at least what I think of it. Everything that was in my awarness, I did not relate to "myself". Everything just was, as it is. Suddenly it became clear how silly everything that "I" does is. "I" am always concerned with my stories, always thinking how something will benefit me in one way or another. How this story is true compared to another story and so and on... This is the whole base of "my" existence, keeping different stories together and imagining that I will get something. "I" am never here, never one complete being, there is no center, only one silly story after another. It is like I am asleep, believing that I am awake just because I manage to stumble my way around without dying. I try to remember this experience, but the memory is just that, a memory, another story. A story that gets more and more distorted as time goes by. But I understand now, one small part of "me" atleast does, that this is what I am to do in this world. To become more conscious. To become one, not many. To think, not let thinking happen to me. And this truly is a difficult task, everything in my environment and in my psyche gravitates towards making me unconscious. I am suprised that I even managed to achieve such a state considering all the odds against it. Even as I write this I am not awake, but I know that from experience now. How long can this sustain me, I do not know. A question to Leo or anyone else who has actually experienced this. What to do next? All that I did before seems ridiculous, all the characters, games, manipulations, status seeking, considering other peoples opinions of "me". I do not want to go on in the old way, I feel like I cannot even if I tried. I have gone too far, part of me already knows. But what now? "I" has already come back with all the patterns. How do I live in this society, where everyone sleeps and wish nothing more to continue sleeping? How great are my chances of developing myself further without personal assistance from a teacher? I know that I must do all the work myself, but how big of a part does a teacher play? Must I find all that there is to find in solitude, in myself? Sorry for rambling, it is very difficult to express in a clear way. Everything is gone and is at the same time still here. Any insights in to this matter would be greatly appreciated.
  7. Discerning what anything is. Things have gotten spooky after "just being", without categories and stories. The hard part is trying to know if my understandment and experience is the same as what you are saying in your videos.
  8. @Siim Land I think it really does depend on the book. If you are reading a practical psychology book, then you really need read slowly in order to contemplate and make connections to your own life experience. Otherwise it would be a quite useless read, a faster one, but useless nonetheless. Same goes to books on philosophy and spirituality. If you are trying to understand the author`s point on a complicated subject, especially if it is abstract in nature, then it does take a lot more then just skimming to the "most important parts". Well, that is my experience anyway. We are both from the same country btw.
  9. https://www.amazon.com/Man-Symbols-Carl-Gustav-Jung/dp/0440351839 This.
  10. @kurt Yes.
  11. @kurt I see you as consciousness. Manifesting itself in writing. I know the kurt named archetype writing his beliefs out in a forum. We have all been there, it`s okey. It`s not me in the end who you have to convince, it`s yourself. I know I might not get throught to you with what I am saying in a satirical way, but that`s okey, we all learn in a different way according to how we like to see things. If you want the power to be right while claiming my need for it, then it is fine, it really is.
  12. @kurt That sure isn´t analyzing, pure experience and observation. Throwing around psychological terms sure isn`t analyzing. Writing out a story of what I am doing for yourself sure isn`t projecting. Really? Lol.
  13. @kurt Replace psychoanalyze with spiritualanalyze and that is what you get with your statement.