How to Move Foward in Life After First Panic Attack?

[Oso]

It happened about two and a half weeks ago. I came home from college to visit family, and one night, deep in research about my future, a very unpleasent wave washed over me. My first ever panic / anxiety attack. 

 

That wave continued lesser and lesser for the rest of that night. My nervous system had just broke down. It was profoundly scary and unnerving.

 

I didn't want to wake family so I was texting with AI that night, the source which helped me figure out what was going on.

 

Waves of panic, tight chest and harder breathing, genuine fear and dread, feelings of being alone, hypersensitivity emotions, etc...

 

Well, it has been two and a half-ish weeks since. Just two nights ago I re-triggered a small episode by digging into research on myself and stuff. It wasn't as bad as the first one, but it still took me a while to fall asleep and I'm still dealing with very strong emotions, sadness right now, and very vulnerable / sensitive.

 

It seems triggering it easy, and what triggered it was a similar event to the first. Existing deeply in my head and hitting a point of overwhelm where my system had to step in.

 

I should mention that I quit school because of the first event. It was clear that such a school was not for me. I was already planning on it, but instead this experience forced it. Life also opened up a new path for me to follow the night of the event, but it still doesn't feel like sunshine and rainbows.

 

It is so hard moving foward. I'm forced to sit with the healing. It is like an injury I can't rush, and something that I can easily "re-injure" if I push too hard or trigger it. 

 

I feel like I should be better by now. I've never had one of this panic attacks before. I feel like my consciousness and spiritual studies would have prevented something like this from happening. I was wrong. Now I feel like my whole life is doomed. It probably isn't, but it feels that way, overwhelmingly sometimes, and it is really hard and scary to sit with. 

 

How long does such a healing last? 

 

I can't sit and ignore it so I find it very rough. Tonight a deep sadness provoked me to write thisit wasn't even depressive, just a deep sad and alone feeling. Other times I can feel disoriented or genuienly scared on a level I've never felt before. Even though I'm around family and have their support, it can still feel so hard and sad. Is this normal?

 

I feel like the whole notion of who I am broke that night. Not like an ego death, but also kinda like it. I don't know. It's like some sort of illusion just all fell apart. 

 

It's just really hard. It makes me feel like a lost and scared child and I just want to be held and guided. Supported. I want to feel like it's going to be okay. I wish my feelings weren't so strong and overwhelming. 

 

Any advice would be appreciated, though I'm not necessarily seeking it. Instead I think I'm just seeking company and people to talk with. People who have been through such things or have wisdom and experience.

 

I don't want to dig into the wound and make it worse. I'm looking for help healing. Reaching out. Not in some I'm gonna hurt myself way. No. Just that I need people. 

[Hojo]

I had terrible panic attack my whole life. Probably thousands of them. They never went away until I awakened.

Panic attack is higher self awaking up imo. Your ego says oh my God Im dying.

Its like a massive burst of gamma waves coming into your brain.

Its a good thing.

If you are to slingshot yourself to heaven panic attack is like pulling back the slingshot.

Edited yesterday at 03:03 AM by Hojo

[Deziree]

I used to get panic attacks in childhood. After a long journey of panic attacks, the parasympathetic system kicks in and takes control, slows down the heart rate and the brain registers it as a false flag. It can be intense in the moment but our memory systems keep all the checks and balances in place. So hopefully they will taper off.

 

[Judy2]

if you allow yourself to feel your emotions more consciously, they won't build up as much and won't  overwhelm you in the moment.

so the task is to register and deal with the subtle anxiety that starts building up before it completely overwhelms you.

you can also start introspecting in a quiet moment what fear is and what it is that you are generally afraid of in life. and sometimes the best way to defeat fear is to run toward the monsters and give them a big hug.

 

when i had a panic attack earlier this year and a psychologist talked to me, he had a very strict tone and wanted me to recite what exactly had happened in the moments leading up to the attack. i didn't find it helpful at the time, but maybe there is something to this strategy. 

other than that (shocker, i know): have you considered getting therapy/counselling? if it's not accessible to you, there are also many resources online to help you learn about your nervous system and how to calm it down. you can google the butterfly hug and other vagus nerve stimulation exercises.

other things that might help are grounding yourself through hot and cold showers, running up and down the stairs, looking for 5 blue things in the room, then 4 orange ones, 3 red ones, 2 yellow ones, 1 black one (or any other colour and you could also include other senses, like saying 5 things you see, 4 that you hear, 3 that you feel, 2 that you smell, 1 that you taste).

ground yourself through your senses (strong smells like coffee beans, vinegar; intense flavours like chilli, lemon, or sour candy; the visual exercise i described above; or physical stuff like running, squats, hot and cold showers, sucking on ice cubes or running ice cubes across your skin until they melt - the physical stuff probably works best for states of anxiety, the others might not work for you). 

i've also had a handful of panic attacks due to excessive caffeine consumption lol. in case this is you, you know what to change:)

 

sorry for the advice:)

Edited 22 hours ago by Judy2

[Oso]

@Hojo What you say isn't much hopeful. Not that it needs to be, but hearing awakening is the only thing that stopped makes my ego that much more scared. 

I've had much more powerful points of spiritual study and practice in my life. Leading up to this event, it was very little. 

I can understand that my system needs to be in tune with all of that. It is clear that I need such practices and grounding. 

But still. I wish to lead life in normal ways too. I want to be able to live in a state where I'm not haunted by these overwhelming feelings that are so new.

It is such a potent thing. It really does feel like death sometimes. I see how you relate it to a spiritual slingshot, but I can't say I'm ready for that. Not one bit. 

[Oso]

@Deziree It has been tapering off I would say. It is touchy, just like an actual wound. But it is healing, especially with sleep. 

It's weird how much it relates to a physical wound like a sprained wrist or something. If you're not careful it is easy to fuck it back up. 

It generally hurts more than usual, things are most sensitive there, etc...

Except it's my whole system, emotions, thoughts, all of it. They are so much more stronger and I am so much more sensitive. 

I do think I will come to understand how to work and live with it. 

But man... the experience these past few weeks have been something I never thought could exist. It is SO scary and completely sucks. 

I never wish it would have happened, but it did. 

[Hojo]

@Oso Slingshotting is the greatest thing to ever happen to a human.

Your awareness will slingshot to that of the entire universe and will become immortal.

Edited 7 hours ago by Hojo

[Oso]

@Judy2 The things I am afraid of are very clearly naturally. 

The fear of missing out, especially with loved ones and the things I want to do. The fear of death and the natural end of things. I hate that. The fear of pain, suffering, mental, physical. This event is part of that. The fear of not living a content life. The fear of not figuring out what to do with my life.

The strongest fear right now is that I will never return back to "normal," that I'll always be dealing with this state. 

It feels like my whole self broke. Does that make any sense? It is so profoundly scary. 

Perhaps the emotions and such were building under the covers. It seems I don't really properly know how to address them until they break. 

 

I have considered getting counseling and therapy, yes. I'm 21 years old right now. I'm a male. I don't know why that is relevant but I feel it is. I've tried therapy before when I was younger and didn't have much "wrong" with me, and it didn't do much, so I stopped it. But right now, and as I let this heal a little longer, I feel it would be a smart thing to do so. It feels the MOST scary alone. I cannot imagine what I would do without people and support. Gosh, it makes me feel like a little child. 

 

I don't really consume caffeine, but I will keep that in mind. From what you said, and what I've experienced, I think physical grounding works well for me. The night it first happened to me, I would step to out into the cold or touch the cold window for grounding. I really hate that feeling of being ungrounded. It feels so scary and makes me feel like a spec of nothing.

 

However, I'll check out what you shared. Thank you for the words. 

[Hojo]

@Oso Its high intelligence. If you are smart enough to feel terror from death you are intelligent. Its like you are focusing on the unknown in your brain.

Its like a plant shooting its roots deeper into the ground.

Your soul knows what its doing.

You cant die.

This is like a lower realm where you are planting your roots. When you die you will go to a higher realm and these panic attacks are deepinging your roots. Intentionally by a higher intelligence.

Imagine human life as a realm where you plant your roots. Most people dont plant their roots that far.

Most people need to take psychedelics to have an ego death you are so intelligent you can do it by just sitting there.

Edited 7 hours ago by Hojo