Oso

@Raze Thank you for sharing those resources. I'll look into them and see what happens.

@RendHeaven Lol well I don't find this to be too big of a problem myself. I'm afraid to admit my own attractiveness despite what others say, so I won't admit to being ugly or attractive. It appears to be a relative thing from my experience. But what is stopping me? I mean, I'm moving, but it's just slow and I'm still working heavily on developing the proper self-discipline. It's just been a long process so far. I'm not stopped though.

@samijiben I'm actively working on it, but it is bleak and unforgiving, especially so as I work on breaking out of this scaredy-cat nature I developed growing up. My main focus is working on building myself into the being I want to be. I am ambitious and faulter a lot, but there is direction within my chest. My intuition is strong, I am listening to it and trying to act on it despite failure. I am showing up still.

@samijiben I understand the giving aspect. I have done it before, and it is a wonderful thing. However, if I approach it with the mindset of getting something out of it, I will fumble, and fumble hard. I'll want to avoid that to the best of my abilities as such a way of existence sucks. However, there are forms I want to give in and have simply been slacking on as of late. If I invest into these, things will naturally start to click as long as I'm consistent and stay tuned in. As for nothingness and your more advanced points, I'm aware and familiar of them, however, I'm at a stage where I don't feel like embracing them. Not yet. I was more spiritual when I was younger but neglected more egoic and human parts of myself that have needed to live. I face the consequences of that now, and seek to live, even in the face of my own ignorance so that I may be free of regret later.

@Leo Gura What exactly do you mean when you say I alone should be enough to sexually satisfy myself? I feel like in bodily pleasure, a genuine female partner is hard to beat. So, what exactly are you getting at there? And in what form? I know and am familiar with masturbation, but I also know of the existence of breathwork amongst other things which might be worth exploring. Besides that, I understand what you are saying about the work. A good journaling session or several with a focus on what work would be needed for my desires would likely yield a solid direction to begin walking in.

I have decided to write whatever is about to come out via pen and paper as my perfectionism has less of a grasp around my throat as in comparison to writing in a doc. There is a million places I could start. Perhaps first I should address you, the reader. I don’t know at the moment where this will end up but it is my desire to talk with you. I desire it deeply. Being able to reflect with another human is a great gift. Therefore, I genuinely invite you to respond and speak your mind to the content herein. I would like to hear what you have to say. I'm at such a point in life where that reflection is needed. - - - So, all of that precursory information for what? Well, I need to shine a light on myself and my current condition. I am 21 years old. The next thing that came up in my head was “I am sexually frustrated.” That is true. I am. I place a lot of value into the thought of an intimate partner, yet lack so much genuine experience. I’ve had a handful of various relationships with women, and have had far less sexual experience, something I both crave more and feel starved of the older I have gotten. I don’t even know what to say about it. I’m experiencing the intuitive feeling that I have got this all wrong and mixed up. - - - I feel like I’m going crazy in so many ways. As I write this, I attempt to remain grounded in some form of calm sanity, yet it is tough. The more I dig, the closer I feel to breaking open a raging demon’s cage. Intense and overwhelming blank-mindedness floods my head, and I feel how I imagine a hollow from Dark Souls feels. It all feels rather fucky. From this point I don’t know where to go. On my chest is the weight of a million things that want to be said, but I can’t make out what any of them are. It is frustrating. I need to talk this out.

Hey everyone, I’ve reached a point in my life where the essence of my being, which has felt like a black hole for several years, has finally pulled me in close enough that I can no longer run or hide from it as an ego. I’m 21 now. For years, I’ve gone through eras of small, specific focuses or have just drifted along to whatever seemed like the best option. I have an associate's degree, a 200-hour yoga therapy certification, and have poured countless hours into researching so many different things. Yet, I feel like I’ve done nothing with any of it. It feels like I've dug a million random holes, and when I look at them, they feel hollow at their core. My first shift in consciousness happened in my sophomore year of high school while reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth.” I don’t remember the exact line, but I vividly remember the observer becoming present for the first time, an awareness witnessing it all. In that moment, the ego dissolved. My life changed completely. I was no longer "me." My ego became a shell, losing all its weight and substance. All that was left was selfless observation and the raw feeling of my Being. But that first awakening shot me into a spiritual arc that I would fall in and out of for years. The ego grew back quietly until it had taken over again. For a long time, there was no pure awareness, except for random split-second moments where that dissolution would overwhelm me and upset my egoic state. Just recently, the clouds parted again and the sun of awareness was exposed. This time, it feels different. It feels like a final reminder that my living has not been truthful, that I have been faithful only to the agenda of the ego and have suffered deeply because of it. This leads me to the real problem I'm facing now with my direction in life. I can’t put a nail on what it is I want to do because I don’t know which part of myself to listen to. I want to say my gut, my Being, because it emanates a direction like a compass. But the signal is so vague that trying to map it out practically just fries my mental state. I feel very unsure how to navigate this. So, I have a couple of core questions for anyone who has walked this path: 1. How do you practically learn to live from this deeper place? My Being feels like a compass, but I don't know how to read it. How do you learn to interpret this guidance for real-world decisions (like career) without the mind getting fried? 2. How do you distinguish a genuine impulse from your core/gut from a sneaky, rationalized desire of the ego? 3. Once this door to awareness opens, it feels like it can’t be closed. How do you pursue this deeper truth while still living a practical, functional human life? Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you have gone through a similar experience, I’d be very grateful if you shared your wisdom.

I've committed to a specific program that's hosted by a handful of colleges throughout the United States. I've narrowed it down to three schools of interest. One of them feels intuitively right to me, more so than the other two. However, the logical part of me urges caution, reminding me to consider all the other factors like quality of education, environment, experience, opportunities, and essentially, my future as a whole. I'm looking for some external wisdom to help me approach this decision with clarity. For those of you who have had to choose between multiple schools, or made any big, committed decision where you had to weigh intuition against logic, how did you go about it? What helped you make your choice? What worked, and what did not? Any perspectives are appreciated.

Lol yes I am a male. My mind tends to have more flamboyant fantasies in comparison with most people I know. Not sure why, but I am highly creative in various areas.

Those are valid points. But yes, I agree to what you said. That mindset is heavily dependent on fate and relying on fate alone seems rather dangerous and ignorant, at least for me. Instead, meeting someone through fate seems more fitting to be a cherry on top of actively living life and putting in the work towards whatever it is your want to do. For example, the self development. Whatever you work on has tangible results naturally. Depending on what you do, this can increase or decrease your chances towards something, in this case, a sexual partner, girlfriend, etc... So, I guess I'm kinda rambling there. But, main point I'm clarifying on is that by taking the actions things tend to fall in place in a weird but natural way. A lack of action, which I have especially experienced here, leads to self induced suffering amongst other things.

Yes, a little work. That what is seems like when I reflect on it. Even still, I haven't really gotten far in successfully meeting someone in this regard. I met a few people, but there usually ends up being some crux which breaks it before anything actually goes down. I understand this is healthy in it's own way, but it kinda sucks being impatient or lustful, even when I have had to cut it. Each comes with valuable lessons though. Seeing that I'm not actually hopeless kinda scares me. The self-development I have to undertake to be with the women I really want shakes me up pretty good and brings up defensive patterns. But I don't think I can die free of that growing regret and fear if I don't go for it.

That is a perfectly valid way, and yes masturbation can and does help, no doubt. Even so, I don't want to masturbate forever, and honestly I'd rather just let it go. But in it's place, albeit selfish, I would much rather prefer to have a sexual partner. Lucid dreaming appeared at such time and in such a way where it just feels like more attractive and advanced masturbation lol. It's attractive because there's not really any commitments to a real person, it can be with whomever, wherever, etc... But again, I'd prefer a consistent and genuine sexual partner/s in waking life. I'm just semi-confused on if I'm successfully walking towards that goal or not, hence I've been trying to lucid dream to fit this desire.

No, I would say I'm generally pretty open. Though, I do find my moral values are pretty high and have limited me in the past. It's a good thing for keeping me out of trouble but it's annoying when I'm in a more lusty state. However, I haven't had a ton of experience, so I can't be super sure about what I'm saying in this regard.

Lol you guys are funny. I say that because of a few reasons. Firstly is sexual fantasies with fictional characters. That is something which is simply not actionable in waking life. Or so it appears. Secondly is with people who'd likely be very hard or impossible to sexually engage with, like celebrities, people of history, etc... Honestly, just having sex with anyone of desire. That doesn't even seem like a wise or possible decision to go after in waking life.

Though I haven't been able to successfully lucid dream yet, I have come back to it again and again due to this idea. On one hand, it appears to offer the ability to experience any sexual occasion in any way you'd like, or something along those lines. On the other hand, it seems to be an escape from genuine sexual experience and growth. There are sexual experiences I can't fulfill in waking life, but at the same time, one of the things I really want at my younger age is to explore sexuality and learn through direct sexual experience. In other words, I want to learn about and have great sex through actually doing it. I cannot tell if taking on these desires through lucid dreams, which I have still yet to have success with, is a desire spawned out of ignorance and fear, or a genuine medium to explore all the sexual fantasies I have. I'd appreciate any feedback or thoughts.