Bandman

Then why do you have it on your booklist?

Thank you all. I only said i fantasized about sliding on Leo, it wasn't a threat. I would never harm my own body or other people in this way. I just shared my truth which what i am going through internally. Leo has reached out to me in PM and took the time to personally help and talk to me which I greatly appreciate. Just wanted to let you guys know that even after me having said such fucked up things he was still forgiving, caring and helpful to me. I'm sorry for everyone who was offended by my post, but also my post was an honest exhibition of what i was feeling and going through at that moment and still am although not in that eruptive degree. the truth is not always rosy. I am calmer now and working on positivity, vision, life purpose and taking small steps everyday. I quit mentally catastrophizing but I'm also accepting whatever negativity arises and bringing it into awareness while just laying on the couch and letting it wash over me without identifying with it. I thought that wasn't possible at times but I am learning. It's hard to balance going in a positive direction while not ignoring the negativity and hating all the self-sabotaging aspects of yourself. at times the negativity becomes so overwhelming that I just burst out in internal anger in myself and against the world, but mostly myself, and the outward directed anger is just an overflowing of that cup. I'm also going to try lucid dreaming to heal myself psychologically before i try psychedelics.

Thank you all for the replies. I guess 5meo might kill me. I will try mushrooms but I just can't stand my own being anymore. I don't have money for therapy and the waiting lists are 6 months. psychedelics are my only option.

Well boys it's over, I will take 30mg of 5MEO and let it destroy who I am, and construct me a new king persona, a full transformation. I will leave it all up to God. If it doesn't work I will migrate to Asia to become a monk for the rest of my life, which is basically the equivalent of killing myself without actually doing that, I just can't bear the thought of doing that to my parents so I will never do that, also I only want to kill the mind so ill just do that by becoming a monk and not doing any egoic activity for the rest of my life. I have never done 5MEO but I just need to be blasted away. I hate myself so much it's unbelievable, I literally self sabotage every thing I do, and constantly guilt and critique myself over everything I do. I can't enjoy anything without my mind chattering negatively about it constantly and about itself. The man I want to be is the opposite of what I am and I just can't change it. All I have ever prayed for is to change myself. I don't care about praying for outside things I know that I can reach it with hard and smart work and I can accept what happens on the outside. But this self sabotage is so fucking disheartening. I hate my confused sexuality and I hate Leo for calling people gay when they are not 100% sure about their sexuality. Picture this: literally only seeing women as attractive but finding yourself so inadequate that you watch cuckold and IR porn only. And imagining being the woman being fucked, but never imagining gay sex. And seeing hot women on the street that you would love to be with but being so afraid to not get hard that you never even think of approaching. even though you find them hot. does that make you gay? Leo would instantly say yes. that post where @Someone here questioned his sexuality and Leo replied with: Gay It made me so fucking aggressive man. Sometimes I fantasise about flying to Las Vegas to shoot Leo in the head and then myself. I would never actually do that but I am so done with life and with all this good life stuff on actualized.org when it is so unreachable to me. 90% of the time im torturing myself mentally. This amount of sexual confusion has made it to a point where if I don't fix this, I will leave the western world because in this world I would only want to be a man. only in Asia as a monk could you find happiness without having a wife and kids. I hate myself so so much. how could I have done these things to myself. I know exactly how I want to be but it is just not allowed by the self. So this trip will be the final judgement where I will let god decide if I will be a man or a sexless monk. I can't keep fighting anymore. The supreme self will decide which ego will become manifest. The mental anxiety caused by a bad weed trip is so fucked. and I love weed and would kill to have it again but I just can't because I almost went insane during that trip. so I quit some time ago. imagine quitting weed not because you want to but because your own mind won't allow you to just be. all I want, my own mind takes away from me actively. weed was the last cope I had and now I have nothing. What I do respect about myself Is that I am working hard on my skills, music and IT. im going hard. But also when doing this I am actively sabotaging my own concentration. I just battle through it and do it anyway, even though I am constantly distracting myself with negative thoughts and saying to myself that I am not capable to learn IT even though I clearly am. but it won't matter of course if I become monk. then I will leave all these western pursuits behind . You will all never hear from me again after this trip regardless of the outcome. I just had to share my story, I owe it to you all truth seekers. I love you. I am always so fucking angry at Leo for everything when I doubt the existence of spiritual reality. I realize this anger is bullshit. I just want to die so bad. Not this body; that is why this body will either become a king or a monk. but this mind man. Where did it go wrong. the amount of hate I have for my own psyche is immaculate. Maybe I'll go completely mad because of the trip. But that is worth the risk because this is no life. This will be like climbing out of the tower in the Dark knight rises. And I fucking hate my friends, one betrayed me out of the blue so hard by accusing me of stealing more than 1k from his mothers house, which I would never do, calling me a psychopath. and the other ones don't care about it and let him drag my name through the dirt to everyone I know and trying to convince them I did it. I thought they were the best people ever. Friends are so fucking shit. when you need them the most they turn your back on you. How can reality be Love when it is ruining this life. why can't I just choose how I want to be and just be it. I hate being human so much rn. I am so fucking dysfunctional. and to have a vision of what life can be through Leo's videos, and having all the mental and physical capability to reach it. but just being so self sabotaging that its over. I will blast myself with 5MEO and see what goes after. If its back to this, I will become a monk. Or God will bless me and make my mind whole and manly again. but what I am now will die. I don't know what you guys should make of this story but this is the truth, not some bullshit like I usually spout. this it the raw truth of what my life has come to.

To be in the world.

@Nilsi Bro, when did you start working towards those things you have reached, because I'm the same age as you and I feel like I'm on the bottom and you are talking about already having reached Godhead at 22. When did you start working towards this and how many psych trips did It take you. what psychs did yo use. how did you cure all your childhood trauma and how long did it take. How did you fix your social anxiety, it seems like impossible to do. What attitude did you have when starting this work that brought you to reach this level. I feel like I'm having a defeatist attitude with my self, that I broke my mind and nothing can fix it. How did you stop being your own enemy? how long did it take you? How many books have you read? How did you drop your limiting beliefs? How jacked did you get? I'm 22 and I feel like I wasted time and need to succeed now or it is forever too late. Please bro make a thread about how you reached your success in all different areas. Do it for all us selfish bastards who want to succeed as well.

Life is not suffering, nor is it joy. Stop spreading disinformation.

If you keep replying in this tone to your followers the consequences will be dire. Can't you see that what you are doing is wrong? In every post you sound like a high horse asshole. You can't be telling your followers about everything being imaginary and infinite love and still behave in this way, you twisted fuck. Who do you think you are, to shatter peoples realities without at least being loving and caring about it. How can you have reached the deepest awakening on earth but still just be a pus leaking asshole online. You are so fucking obnoxious and nobody dares to tell you because they are afraid of a ban. You deny everyone's spirituality as "being imagined" while constantly whining about your own spiritual ideas. Even though on paper we are allowed to discuss spirituality on this forum, you just reply to every thread which is not about god-realization, that it is bullshit and imaginary. How can you be like this. If someone thinks their spirituality rings truer than your god-realization just let them be and let all ideas be relatively equal on here. Even if for example yoga or advaita is imaginary it does not mean it is not valuable or true.

You were wondering about other beings during your infinity of Gods trip. You said yourself that even though you were so sure about yourself you still had to wipe the slate clean and wonder if you are misunderstanding aloneness. So how can you make a statement like this? And you even said that this trip recontextualized your motivation for teaching. So clearly there was a change in understanding about your solipsism, even though you have been making rash statements like this in the last few years, acting like the ultimate awakening had already dawned upon you.

dEbUNked

How are you so sure you know those two statements you made to be true?

What is mental illness? Basically the discussion I want to have with you guys is whether we should look at (symptoms of) mental illness in a materialistic or spiritual way. Is it a function of the brain? or a function of the psychological ego vs. conscious awareness? The brain is an idea, yet it seems that our brain chemistry/makeup has a lot to do with how or if we can navigate the spiritual domain of life. - The big question I have, is whether our minds are completely malleable if we become conscious enough to realize that our mind's limitations are imaginary? can we become mentally gifted by doing spiritual work, and can we cure all mental illness with it? - Or are some of the brains limitations so "real" that we can never break out of it unless the whole body dies? - Or is there some metaperspective which integrates materialism and spirituality which allows us to understand our brain/mind? - How real should we consider ideas of the brain and chemistry to be in our lives and experiences?=================================================================================================== There are arguments for both sides of the coin that people have made. For example on the materialistic side, neurofeedback therapy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurofeedback And on the spiritual side, the idea that awareness can just become so aware of the mind that it stills all neurosis and symptoms which you would have mentally. I have some experience with this doing Vipassana meditation. Also Shunyamurti seems to be in full support of this notion, considering the word mental illness to actually be a misnomer, and that all mental illness can be healed if the stillness of awareness is able to shine through.: Im curious to what you guys' thoughts are on this.

Things have been going better. I have been practicing Vipassana which works very well, I really enjoy it and allows me to recenter and not identify with thoughts. Along with physical exercise and a better diet, I feel healthier and happier. I also have been examining my anxieties using my intellect, which requires a razor sharp use of it. To use the mind to examine its own bullshit and look past the fears and assumptions that I'm making. I've noticed I have a quite extreme fear of wasting my life, of not living every moment and living up to my full potential. I was also extremely worried that I broke my intellect during my anxiety breakdown and that I became dumber and that I was locked in my own limiting beliefs which became a lot more limited after this breakdown. But now that I am reading books again, and being able to understand an in-depth technical book about how computers work, It has raised my confidence again in my own intellect. I have also realised how strange it actually is to be able to store conceptual knowledge and understanding in your memory. I mean, after reading a book, the understanding persists in your mind, not just facts about a certain subject can stay in your mind, but also how all those facts really work with each other. It seems obvious what I am saying but it is actually quite profound that we as humans can do this. I've noticed this anxiety came from me always assuming that I was smart, because I was allowed to skip a grade in elementary and was tested for 134 IQ when I was in elementary, and basically going through the hardest high school level in my country like a breeze... Still I'm worried that I'm somehow missing something in my psyche or broke something because of all those years that I was a heavy weed smoker... I guess I'll never know because I can't compare the experience of my own mind to the experience of another mind. Yet I still feel this urge to prove that I my intellect is razor sharp, I'm still worried and this gives me the urge to go through a lot of books and completely understand them to prove to myself that I did not break something. I have this urge to do an iq test to see how smart I am and to see how it goes. I'm planning on reading Godel Escher Bach next. ==================================================== For the next weeks I have set a lot of free time to rest, contemplate and work on myself and my skills and understanding. I will do physical exercise almost everyday and Vipassana meditation everyday like I have been doing. For the rest I will practice piano and programming. And I will learn and contemplate about computer science so I can really have a good understanding of it. And I will try to contact a goddess in the coming weeks to heal me, if she exists. I have ordered mushrooms that I will microdose on. For the rest I will not touch any substance for 90 days, including PMO. and see how I feel after these 90 days. If all goes well I will trip on AL-LAD after these 90 days are over. Maybe earlier. We'll see how it goes.

Thanks for highlighting this distinction. I know what I have to do now.

@puporing Thanks for your caring bro. I guess I do indeed need to use relative methods (also) to fix a relative problem.